Skills Of The Battered - Tumblr Posts

Can you stack dishes silently? Can you put away silverware without making a sound?

I can smile and turn on the charm and climb on top of your dick five minutes after you called me a useless cunt. I'm so good at at " getting over it " for you; I can swallow my pain and rage for an eternity.

I can scrape a life together from ashes and crumbs.

He blames me for his broken heart and life of hardship. He blames me for everything.

I have learned to shoulder all of his disappointments, all of the hurt, all of the blame. They are the only things of ours that are still mine

Building a Basement

I found a way to read measuring tapes, find tools and square up boards through eyes overflowing with tears.

I held boards steady and straight while shaking for fear of my safety.

I only need a minute after you're done kicking me while I cower in fetal position.  I just need to steady my breathing after you’ve finished and left me in a pile. I’ll get back to making dinner and it’ll be ready soon. Don’t worry.

I learned to keep house impeccably. Not only to keep you from becoming agitated, but also to keep my mind and hands occupied on simple, mind numbing yet mildly satisfying tasks.

Busy hands do not shake, and a busy mind does not dwell on that bruise on my shoulder from last night.

Can you take a hit to your person without calling out? How about to your heart?

They’ll never know.

I have a concealer arsenal of greens, yellows and purples. I’m good to go.

The truth - a realization

I was amazing in bed because I was hellbent on getting you off quick and the hell off of me.

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

Thick Skin

I can thank him for that at least. And a very convincing smile.

I kiss with my eyes open.

Symptomatic of the Person I Love and the Person Who Hurts Me being one and the same. 

I can clean a shower without getting a single drop of water on the tile floor.

It doesn't matter that I'll be washing the floor after anyway.

Class

Abuse survivors become experts in damage control. I can handle a lot of tough, semi-humiliating situations with a cool head and a lot more grace and humour than I knew I was capable of. At least on the outside.

I guess people call that class. I called it survival.

Golden

An abused person masters the art of silence.  You sob quietly, scream quietly, pick yourself up from the ground and assess your injuries quietly.  You discover a way to perform all your tasks making as little noise as possible.

You forget the sound of your voice, and all the little sounds of life become a deafening crime you hope go unnoticed.