Abuse Recovery - Tumblr Posts
Leaving my parents on a whim after 19 years of abuse was the best decision I could have ever made. I 100% planned on living out of my car because being homeless was the better option than staying. I'd still be homeless if it weren't for the fact that family friends took me in. The man I'm living with has been more like a dad to me than my own father for years. I did everything to cut my parents off in one day. I packed my important stuff up, I packed up clothes, food, water, and hygiene stuff, I went to the bank and closed/reopened accounts to remove my dad as a signator, I changed my direct deposit information at work, I went to the dollar store to find sustainable food, and I still had time left in my day to relax. Best. Decision. Ever.
A Conclusion.
It is absolutely imparative that I get a companion animal.
Old habits
I make it easy to hurt me. I make it even easier to excuse it.
Here’s an idea:
(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)
Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers. Here’s a few reasons why:
1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.
2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.
3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.
4. The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.
5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation. Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate. Some of us fall somewhere in the middle. These are all acceptable and reasonable.
6. Only we can decide what is best for us. You do not know what is best for us.
I just want to know what it's like to be happy again. Because I have been down so long my ribs have been sewn shut and I just don't remember what a happy day feels like anymore.
I really miss sharing body heat.
I feel the need to repost.
We’ve hit Anger, for now
A few years ago, my friend’s city had to be evacuated due to a wildfire. Pictures from the evacuation process look exactly what I (an atheist, and admittedly not a theology expert) picture Hell to look like. It is pure terror.
Once my friend was able to return to her residence she found that it had burned to the ground. She and her partner had lost everything.
I remember her telling me the frustration she felt trying to talk about it. She heard a lot of “but at least you’re ok, it could have been so much worse!” My experience is different than her’s, but I understand her now much more than I did then.
I am Angry. Yep, Capital A.
When I actually sat down and looked at the numbers, I handed him 6 figures. I got years of therapy and the prospect of never being right again nothing.
When I think about how I’m killing myself to pay off debt that I got into to appease him, and scraping pennies together to try to get myself even half way to where I was with him, yeah, I get Angry.
I am angry for the life he stole from me.
I’m furious he’s sitting in MY home, with MY bed and MY furniture, and gifts MY family got us, with MY money lining his bank accounts and MY trinkets and heirlooms that have no real value in this world aside from the memories and connections they have to me lining his shelves and cupboards.
I have tried to talk about this, and very well meaning people, tell me “It’s a small price to pay.” “You’re lucky you got out.” “It could be so much worse.”
Listen, no one feels my mortality or how “so much worse” it could have been more than me. You weren’t there when he was threatening me with kitchen knives, putting pillows over my face, smashing my head against walls, pushing me down stairs, or threatening me with tools.
You weren’t there. I was. I know. I get the fucking flashbacks that remind me any time I’m feeling too comfortable. Do you really think the other stuff is “a small price to pay?” You have no idea.
I know, they mean well, and they’re trying to make me feel better, but they aren’t. They’re trivializing my loss, and making me feel as though I should feel guilty for being angry.
I’m entitled to my rage; I will take it and let it wash over me.
The next step.
So what’s next? You heal. You grow. And you help others.
I wish I could say this wasn't true anymore. While I can say it hurts less, I can't even confirm that it happens less frequently.
It's incredibly upsetting that despite moving on and finding the most gentle and kind person to be with, he still pervades my thoughts.
I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.
Recovery is a bitch.
you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.
I wrote this post in the early weeks of freedom. Nearly three years later I'm still discovering new impacts of the damage.
Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.
I have started writing a number of my posts with “The worst thing about an abusive relationship is….” and then having to erase it because it isn’t true. I can’t call this particular aspect or experience the worst thing. It’s all the worst thing.
It was his birthday last week. I completely forgot.
Candles
It’s his birthday today. I nearly forgot.
My plans changed bc I met my partner, and I've no regrets because she and our life together are amazing
But what a peaceful life this would have been if I 'had to' be on my own.
Living Alone by Yaoyao Ma Van As.
How to Finish
I drew this poster for Jon Acuff and his FINISH book tour. Big thanks to Jon for this collaboration, his book has some great ideas about how to complete creative and life goals.
The self-loathing bits of my brain are so mad at you right now, OP.
if being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now
trauma tells you being happy is wrong. your body rejects it because it’s unfamiliar, it’s something you have felt out of touch with for a long time. so just know that this is where the self-sabotage begins but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. it’ll just take time to get used to it again, to fully enjoy it and remind yourself you don’t deserve to put yourself through painful situations.
I signed up for a man but you are just a bitch