My Plans Changed Bc I Met My Partner, And I've No Regrets Because She And Our Life Together Are Amazing

My plans changed bc I met my partner, and I've no regrets because she and our life together are amazing

But what a peaceful life this would have been if I 'had to' be on my own.

Living Alone by Yaoyao Ma Van As.

Bad days

Someone should address the people who say hateful things and make cartoonishly bad arguments. But I'm not that someone.

There are professionals and people much smarter than me to take out that trash.

I lived with an abuser for a decade; I recognize manipulation and when someone isn't arguing in good faith.

They use the same tactics. So I'll deal with them the way I dealt with the abuser.

My partner is brushing her teeth before bed and clearly watching something very funny because all I can hear is her giggling from the other room.

My heart is so full and I'm crying.

I couldn't have imagined such a simple pleasant home some years ago.

If you're struggling to find a reason to stay here, try spite. Be a cockroach.

My current plan to recover from my mental and emotional existence is to just go so deep into being insane that I’ll come out sane on the other side. Being a chronic people pleaser plagued with impostor syndrome stretched me too thin, and that leash simply snapped and I am now a completely untethered, unapologetic vermin.

Fuck having impostor syndrome, if I’m not entitled to be here they should’ve barred the doors better. If I’m doing everything wrong because of imaginary rules that nobody told me about, that’s their problem, you should have made your confusing system more idiot-proof.

I’m not here to please everyone and do everything right. I’m here to make bad art, chew on furniture, make people laugh, cook awful food and look at pretty landscapes, and piss off the people who don’t want me to exist. If I have an unseen infinite debt somewhere that I can never pay back, I’m going to keep running that tab until I die. I’m alive purely because the universe is shit at pest control.

Hang on.

It has been 1806 days no contact.  

I was sitting down the other day fretting about mine and my partner’s precarious employment situation.  Her company is outsourcing their IT , and mine is operating in a small town in which it has historically struggled to find clients.  it’s not dire, we have a few years before this will become an imminent problem.

But while I was staring at our finances and looking for places to tighten up, I realized that I was feeling ‘normal’ worry.  The worry you feel when you have a  concern and you need to find ways to mitigate the problem.

That’s not the kind of worry I’m used to.

More than anything, the feeling I had was “we’ll handle it.”  I have never thought I could handle anything in my life.

That “gets better” they talk about is worth the shit you’re going through now.  Promise.