I Wrote This Post In The Early Weeks Of Freedom. Nearly Three Years Later I'm Still Discovering New Impacts

I wrote this post in the early weeks of freedom. Nearly three years later I'm still discovering new impacts of the damage.

Rinse, repeat.  Rinse, repeat.

I have started writing a number of my posts with “The worst thing about an abusive relationship is….” and then having to erase it because it isn’t true.  I can’t call this particular aspect or experience the worst thing.  It’s all the worst thing.

Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

Who would I be if I had broken up with him the first time he cheated on me?  Fifteen years later I can barely tell you who I was before I met him.

The next step.

So what’s next? You heal. You grow. And you help others.

you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.

One time he nearly choked me out because he wore one of his socks inside out.