Who Would I Be If I Had Broken Up With Him The First Time He Cheated On Me? Fifteen Years Later I Can

Who would I be if I had broken up with him the first time he cheated on me?  Fifteen years later I can barely tell you who I was before I met him.

Edit:  Apparently I’ve already reblogged this.  I suppose that speaks to how bang on it is.

How It Feels

Part II: Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Picture the shittiest customer service job you’ve ever had. Customers are constant and you’re so overwhelmed you can’t think about yourself at all. Your personal life, your bodily needs (you don’t even get a lunch break; when was the last time you had water?) or your emotions. 

You’re expected to perform perfectly and to always keep a smile on your face, no matter what. You need to be polite and accommodating even if people are screaming at you, and even if people threaten you for no reason. 

Your boss thinks you’re an idiot and is constantly condescending and patronizing. He explains your own job to you and implies you’re incompetent, but to avoid offending him, you can’t defend yourself, you can only thank him for his ‘advice.’ He can snap at any minute and fire you, and you need the job desperately, because he has all kinds of contacts and influences in the community and will make sure no one ever hires you again. He makes it very clear that he owns you, but would never say so outright. 

You are not allowed to talk to anyone about how bad this job is, under contract. He considers it unprofessional and a threat to the success of his company, and has threatened to sue if any employees quit and talk about the reasons they quit. He has the power to make your life even worse than it is now. 

But outside the workplace, your boss is known as a philanthropist. He is generous and charismatic, and everyone constantly reminds you how lucky you are for getting the job. 

Now picture that feeling not just at work, but everywhere. This environment is your home. This person sleeps in your bed. They go everywhere with you, or demand you check in all the time. They know all your passwords. They look through your search history. They have access to everything you know and have and are. 

You still have to be polite, accommodating, apologetic, understanding, thankful. You still have to keep smiling.

This is what day one feels like, btw.

I wish I could say this wasn't true anymore. While I can say it hurts less, I can't even confirm that it happens less frequently.

It's incredibly upsetting that despite moving on and finding the most gentle and kind person to be with, he still pervades my thoughts.

I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.

Recovery is a bitch.

One time he nearly choked me out because he wore one of his socks inside out.

I've started a new job teaching English to new Canadians. It is the first time in my life I am actually making Good Money and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.

It's also a problematic job for me. As my mother ( a highschool teacher) says about being a teacher : congratulations, you've won an excellent job that will make you insecure in your abilities and your effectiveness every day forever.

What have i done?