Tw: Sui Thoughts - Tumblr Posts
the walk you do when you go to the place where you wanna commit is crazy fr
I feel like this never ending mourning is gonna be the end of me
What have you had your entire life that I didn’t give you? I’m not getting into it. I’m doing this thing. OK? I don’t owe you fucking anything. I blame myself. I spoiled you. And now… you’re fucked. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re a hothouse flower…that you’re nothing. You’re curdled cream. Maybe… Maybe you should write a book or collect sports cars or something. But for the world? Nah. I’m sorry. You’re not made for it.
When I was expecting with you, I thought you’d save me. I thought you’d love me, and then my…my mother would love me. Even from the beginning, you disobeyed. You wouldn’t…wouldn’t eat, like… like you were punishing me for being born. You made me feel like a fool, like a…like a child. You were a child. And now you come back here……and all I can think is… What? What, Mama? You smell ripe.
Trigger warning: thoughts of wanting to unalive
The fact that su*c*d* is crossing my mind again should scare me but it feels like a gentle welcoming. That should scare me.
VENT + CW: Mentions of self-hate, 4bu$e, SH, Su1c1d@l thoughts, death threats
this is a vent, scroll past if youre just gonna degrade my feelings or feel uncomfortable
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I hate everything about me, my jokes, my laugh, my voice, my body, everything. I wanna make jokes, i wanna make people laugh, but it just gets them hurt in the end. I wanna keep myself safe, but at the same time i wanna get comfy, i wanna be myself. Because when i was young, i never get to be who i want to be because that just gets me abused in the process. It's been too tiring for me to put on a show for people just so they can enjoy me, i'm doing everything just for people to enjoy.
its not like they'll care about my true colors or not, it's not like im anything important to them. I feel like im nothing, like a bag of meat, like a person who just needs to go back into their hole and stay there
I wanna let out my true colors, but its too difficult, people are always there to look down on you. I hate being looked down upon as if im a child. Being takes as a child just makes me feel like im inferior, and i want to be taken seriously. I wanna be myself, but being myself isnt enough. I dont become comfy in public spaces, i dont wanna be babied by people online and in real life, it makes me feel smaller and reminds me more of how much insecurities and problems im holding in my body, it makes me feel like im unimportant.
Now for the abuse part. Theres so many things going on in my life that i dont want to share, but i feel like i should share this: I got heavily abused by my sister not long ago. I will not go into detail about what is she doing to me, but it just keeps happening to me all the time. She keeps telling me to kill myself, i dont want that to happen, i dont wanna keep her in my life, i dont want her to keep doing this to me. But at the same time, i cant, she's always there, always blaming me for everything, always degrading me, always aiming and abusing me when she could. She never respects my personal space, she never wants me to express my emotions healthily, she never wants me to be myself. If i tell one of my "jokes" to her, she'll call me disgusting and resort to yelling at me and verbably abusing me.
This has gone overboard. it has gone to the point of me harming myself, i've been cutting down on sleep, hitting myself, scratching myself, and more. I cant help but feel like i wanna kill myself because of her, i want my life to be over with, its not like anyone will miss me, its not like anyone cared or liked me anyway, its not like anyone will care about me, after all, i'm inferior and a literal baby to them. I'm stupid and useless, i'm a terrible person.
why do i feel okay one second and want to kill myself just because i didnt like the tone of my voice the other
When you remember all the cringe things you said in middle school and try to die
Please read these. You will never know when this information will be needed in your life. And it always better to be safe than sorry.
I love you 🫂
Please read these. You will never know when this information will be needed in your life. And it always better to be safe than sorry.
I love you 🫂
Please read these. You will never know when this information will be needed in your life. And it always better to be safe than sorry.
I love you 🫂
Please read these. You will never know when this information will be needed in your life. And it always better to be safe than sorry.
I love you 🫂
Teen And Up Audiences
No Archive Warnings Apply
M/M
Complete Work
11 Feb 2023
Tags
No Archive Warnings Apply Gabriel John Utterson/Dr. Hastie Lanyon Dr. Henry Jekyll/Gabriel John UttersonDr. Henry Jekyll/Dr. Hastie Lanyon Dr. Henry Jekyll/Dr. Hastie Lanyon/Gabriel John Utterson Mr. Poole (Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde)Gabriel John Utterson Dr. Hastie Lanyon Dr. Henry Jekyll Hurt/Comfort Suicidal Thoughts
Summary
Henry gets comfortable by Hastie & Gabriel