Spilled Journal - Tumblr Posts

It's okay to fall. Heroes do that most of the time. You're not forbidden to crawl. Soldiers do that too, in the battleground. This is your life, this is your story. You can live and write it in your own version. But while it's okay to fall and to crawl. Remember to rise through it all.

-remember to rise,

katie, a time to heal

You claim your world has ended. Maybe it has. But look at you, you're still here. You may have rolled in the mud. Got your bones broken. May have fallen too deep. Bled harder than the rest of us. But you're here.

You're here. And you're breathing. And you're healing...

-breathing and healing,

katie, a time to heal

Billions of stars scattered

Countless galaxies undiscovered

Stones and dusts filling the night sky

All of which are significant

So what makes you think

That you-

Of all God's creation

Are born worthless

Apart from these objects floating

Aimlessly in the outer space?

-significant,

katie, a time to heal

@karineclaire

Love. How can I put it? It changes everything. Before it found me, I was so angry with the world. So angry that all I could think about was revenge. I became numb and cold. I became one with the walls. Unmoving. Uncaring. But so scared of tomorrow. It was preposterous that I casted fury like a villaines and tremble in fear at the same time. I've lived in the shadow of revenge. Reveled in the pangs of wrath for so long that I didn't feel I was still human. Until love found me. And it was a transforming journey. I could feel my armor falling off with my anger. I was vulnerable, exposed to the elements. At that moment, I felt change embracing me.

Love showed me the way to forgiveness. Love showed me the way to wholeness. Love showed me the way to hope. Love showed me the way to self-rediscovery.

Love showed me who I am.

-who i am,

katie, 18:45

@karineclaire

Tears lighten a burden

Tears cleanse a heart

So go on cry a river

Until the pain subsides

It's okay to break

Feel vulnerable once in a while

Don't listen to the world

Telling you it's a weakness

Crying will never be a weakness

Nor shall it define who you are

The real weakness is inability

To show yourself forgiveness

For all that you didn't accomplish

For all that you didn't become

-cry yourself a river,

katie, a time to heal

"Goodnight my sun!" said the moon. "Tomorrow is another day for us to love." So the sun collapsed herself into the waiting hands of slumber.

Oh how they believed each other.

As though they can really be together.

The wind howled to the cadence of their melodious hearts tangled in a dream.

The stars traded their brightness for a way for these lovers.

The universe obeyed.

written in the stars

katie, February 8

If I will allow

My lips

To speak

The words

I should have spoken

Long ago

You would cry

You would try

To take me into

Your arms

And console

My anguished soul

You would rub my back

Kiss my forehead

After that

You would be proud

Of how

I managed

To take the pen

And wrote

A better storyline

For myself

-better storyline,

Katie, 19:50

There are no wrong persons

We're all passersby

Seeking a temporary home

Somewhere we can warm our hands,

Somewhere we can feel we belong,

For a while

For a short while...

However, we get attached

In the process

Even if we know from the start

That we will leave

One day

And when that moment comes,

Goodbye becomes

The most difficult pill to swallow

It buries us in the burrow

Of snow

So we die

For a while

For a short while...

Darling I may be wrong

But may I

May I stay

For a while

Fuse with your heart

Before I escape

With the sullen midnight

And darling may you

Be kind enough

To hold me like your own

For a while

For a short while...

Let me reside darling

In your heart

Even if I'm wrong

But our song

It keeps telling me

In our world...

There are no wrong persons

If there are, then we're all wrong

Wrong for stopping by,

Wrong for seeking shelter,

Wrong for warming our hands

Wrong for filling our hearts

With illusions of love

So it can breathe and survive

For a while

For a short while...

-Temporary home,

Katie, 12:30

I wish life

Would give me

Coffee beans

Instead of lemons...

-katie, 21:00

If we can go back in time, relive every moment we have lost, all the dreams trapped in a blurry yesterday, would you take my hand? If we can fall in love again, would you take the chance?

With me?

(Let's fall in love again)

-Katie, 6:15

You are the blessing I didn't ask for but were given;

You are the miracle I didn't pray for but happened.

You happened. And my love, I've become my best version. Thank you for calming my storm. Now everything in me is pacific. Thank you for taming my demons. Now they kneel and wear golden halos.

Since you happened, the lips that refused to pray started uttering praises to God who made this blissful encounter possible.

Because you happened, I lift my hands up above, call out in the voice of a Seraphim as I feel my wings growing...

Wings that were severed when I-

I renounced my faith in love.

You happened, so I regained everything I ever lost from fear and doubt and wrath.

You are the gift I didn't ask for but were bestowed;

You are the guardian I didn't pray for but were sent to bring me home...

You were sent TO BE my HOME.

-god sent, katie

7th of March 2020 @23:30

But darling will it be fine,

If all I can offer is a dream

Just a dream

I whispered

To the constellations?

(because I've nothing else to offer, seriously!)

-katie, 21:35

I want to escape my mind

Before it kills me

;

-sometimes it's the worst place to be in,

katie, 21:00

9th ❤

for Jeffry

You are the blessing I didn't ask for but were given;

You are the miracle I didn't pray for but happened.

You happened. And my love, I've become my best version. Thank you for calming my storm. Now everything in me is pacific. Thank you for taming my demons. Now they kneel and wear golden halos.

Since you happened, the lips that refused to pray started uttering praises to God who made this blissful encounter possible.

Because you happened, I lift my hands up above, call out in the voice of a Seraphim as I feel my wings growing...

Wings that were severed when I-

I renounced my faith in love.

You happened, so I regained everything I ever lost from fear and doubt and wrath.

You are the gift I didn't ask for but were bestowed;

You are the guardian I didn't pray for but were sent to bring me home...

You were sent TO BE my HOME.

-god sent, katie

7th of March 2020 @23:30

For Jeffry

You are the blessing I didn't ask for but were given;

You are the miracle I didn't pray for but happened.

You happened. And my love, I've become my best version. Thank you for calming my storm. Now everything in me is pacific. Thank you for taming my demons. Now they kneel and wear golden halos.

Since you happened, the lips that refused to pray started uttering praises to God who made this blissful encounter possible.

Because you happened, I lift my hands up above, call out in the voice of a Seraphim as I feel my wings growing...

Wings that were severed when I-

I renounced my faith in love.

You happened, so I regained everything I ever lost from fear and doubt and wrath.

You are the gift I didn't ask for but were bestowed;

You are the guardian I didn't pray for but were sent to bring me home...

You were sent TO BE my HOME.

-god sent, katie

7th of March 2020 @23:30

You don't know

What it's like

To stare

At the walls

For hours

And hours

Figuring out

How the clock

Ticks so loud

Screaming

A hollow sound

Dead, hollow sound

Ringing all over

Your deafness

Making you shiver

Despite your numbness

You don't know

What it's like

To hold yourself

Together because

Breaking down

Is like a drug

Tempting,

A little consoling

But destructive

So you lie there

Trying hard not to feel

Shutting the faint sound

Of blood running

In your veins

Trying hard not

To go insane

You don't know

What it's like

So stop repeating

Words I've heard

Before

For a million times

"You're gonna be fine!"

Maybe I would be

But not today

Definitely not today

-katie, 20:15

Image: Pinterest

You don't know

What it's like

To stare

At the walls

For hours

And hours

Figuring out

How the clock

Ticks so loud

Screaming

A hollow sound

Dead, hollow sound

Ringing all over

Your deafness

Making you shiver

Despite your numbness

You don't know

What it's like

To hold yourself

Together because

Breaking down

Is like a drug

Tempting,

A little consoling

But destructive

So you lie there

Trying hard not to feel

Shutting the faint sound

Of blood running

In your veins

Trying hard not

To go insane

You don't know

What it's like

So stop repeating

Words I've heard

Before

For a million times

"You're gonna be fine!"

Maybe I would be

But not today

Definitely not today

-katie, 20:15

Image: Pinterest

Now you turned

into the sad

poem

that I wrote

under the glow

of the moon

sulking

with the shadows

dancing

with the trees

while I hum

Oh you turned

into the sad

song

that you sang

under the glow

of the sun

crumbling

with the waves

sweeping

against the shore

while you run

while I hum

Oh we run

while we hum

and I wrote

and you sang

a sad poem

a sad song

Melancholy

dripping

colliding

Oh you sang

Oh I wrote

Yeah we rhymed

then we drifted

as you ran

then I began

to rewrite the ending

-sad poem

katie,22:00

December 15, 2019

23:30

Hey, it's me. We talked before. Now I am back again to tell you more stories like I promised. My clock reads 11:30. I'm in bed, drinking my third mug of coffee. I am reading your favorite novel. It's silly but I feel nostalgic as I read it. Every chapter reminds me of you, my darling Ana. Your rawness, your beautiful flaws are all engraved in the words stained in each and every page. But before I totally lose myself in it, I feel it appropriate to ask first, how are you doing tonight?

How are you doing there, in your time? Are you in bed reading too? Or are you in your desk writing the first line of your poem? It's something about him, isn't it? Oh don't worry, I know.

I know that you think about love more often than you should. And you stain your notes with things associated with it. I want to tell you it's okay. It's okay to savor the moment. It's okay to fall in love. I don't know what age you are now. Maybe 16? All sweet and innocent. You know I fell in love for the first time when I was 16. Got my heart badly broken six months after I turned 18. It was a lot to go through but I survived. After that I stopped writing for a while.

They say heartbreak makes a poet. Well it made me numb. I never loved again after I got my heart broken for the first time. I watched my shattered pieces,millions of screaming pieces bleeding on the floor. I spent years trying to mend me. But wholeness seemed evanescent. Lovers came and went, I taught myself to pretend. For years I rolled thousands of I love you's on my tongue while I felt so empty. So empty I wondered if anything could ever fill me up again. For something in me has died that day he ruined my faith in love and destiny.

But he's a lovely memory. I never regretted loving him. He taught me how to sway in gaiety and laugh with the daffodils. He has to leave all right, and life was never the same. I began drinking when I was 19. I theorized liquor could drown my feelings, wash them all away. Since then I couldn't stop drinking. I took shots after shots as the crowd applaused me until I pass out cold. I was young and broken and stupid. Above all, I was numb.

At 23, I became totally cynical. I took love for granted. Love took me for granted in return. I played fire like a fire dancer. I got burned but never minded the scars. I slept with lions but never feared death. Those moments, I was gladly signing my death sentence. At 25 I was totally addicted to loneliness. I began dining alone. I began doubting promises. I began driving people to the wall. I began breaking hearts.

Are you still there? I hope I am not scaring you with my stories. If I disturbed your poem writing, I'm deeply sorry. I just want to feed you tales. Tales you will search in your mind as precedents, before you make a decision sooner or later. Before you catch fire and burn. Before you catch cold and die. You know they always say, look before you leap. Well I say, listen to all these tales I keep. They waited years to be told.

I was 27 when I realized it's time. It's time to lower my guards down. It's time to trust love again. But that one person worthy of everything that I am never came until I was 28. And you know, when I caught a glimpse of him for the first time, I fell dazed. The familiarity was striking. The smile, the voice, the scent, oh it's him. He's the one I've been waiting. I looked at him and the world around me stopped. Everything else stopped. All of a sudden, it's just him and me. Even the cacophony fell silent to hear my heart drummed erratically. It was surreal.

We've been going out for months now and it always feels like the first time. It's crazy but I am head over heels in love with him. And you know what's even crazier, I actually got drank one Saturday to tell him what I feel. Oh, don't laugh at me. It's a clumsy move I know. But I was too nervous like a teenager. Too nervous I can't even act cool when he's around.

Anyway, I hope you're happy my darling Ana. But if you're somewhere trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea, don't fret. Whatever it is that you're facing in your time, trust me there'll be better days. Tears are temporary. You will feel whole and loved again. If you're currently tearing yourself apart, don't revel too much in the pangs of brokenness. But if you have to, remember it isn't the end. Love will find you, slowly, eventually...

Sorry I took a little of your time to tell you things you will later discover. You can go back to your poem writing now. Write about him, your love at the moment. Pour all your emotions, ink your diary with words that describe him. You will read them one day as I do now. And you will smile. But I would like you to know, your masterpieces will come years later. When you're 29 and start to write passionately about the man I told you about tonight.

Wait for him. He will come.

All my love,

Your older self

katie, 16:14

If we will ever come to a point where goodbye is inevitable, I will not ask you to teach me how to forget. Instead, I will ask you to show me how to remember. We made so many beautiful memories together, it's a shame to erase them all just because we have to part, and can no longer go back to the beginning to fall in love again. No, no matter how much it will hurt, I won't ask you to teach me how to forget. I will walk all the paths we've trodden and remember how your laughter sounded, how your fingers curled around mine, how your hair smelled under the sun, how your lips tasted. I will remember every bit of you, so when I am finally ready to let go, I can let all of you go the way I've let all the kites fly away when I was young and life was innocent and gentle and kind.

-let go,

katie, 17:30