Late Night Thoughts - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

Me, suddenly noticing the time at one am while thinking it was only eleven pm: Excuse me?? How long has it been Sunday????

Kinda wish I had a future to look forward to aside from the game I’m playing, but alas.

Music is powerful because it hurts. It actually, very physically hurts. It feels like a thick balloon is inflating behind your chest and it's spreading to your stomach and arms and fingers and you want to curl into yourself as if that will stop it from growing but it continues on. The nostalgia will only ever be nostalgia. The weekly visits with a friend are now barely even a text every few months. The fandom you dedicated your life to is barely even a passing thought anymore. The ideas that ran through your head now gather dust as a forgotten word document. Life is better, sure, but life used to have them. Why couldn't life be better and still keep them?

This would have never happened if you hadn’t listened to that music. But oh how beautiful those memories are, and there's a smile on your face despite the balloon threatening to pop if you listen a moment longer.

you ever just have the urge to *violently shakes comfort character*

minor trigun spoilers

trigun x destiny 2 au where the twins cause the collapse in this au like they did the ships (its really all just knives but vash couldn't stop it</3) and it would take place in the dark age and this is just for me cause its merging my two favorite things so i apologize to the poor souls that read this 

Cold egg roles hit so hard in the middle of the night

❀ Pansy n°7 = I'm "over"-everything.

To begin, yes, it is tiring. It’s impossibly tiring to be this prone to overwhelming. 

It never was a secret that I am an overthinker. Like my brain literally never f*cking stops, always fuming and reeling. It caused me too many insomnias - the images, sounds, memories and information in my head running and distorting without break. It’s insufferable.

Yet, that's not all. Sadly it is also difficult to survive overthinking on a daily basis. Especially in a social environment. My brain is just… dying. The world feels and seems constantly against me. I always think that everyone around me is watching and judging my every move. Looking out for the small moments when I’ll mess up and be cringe.

So it’s difficult to allow myself to act as I want because I feel like I will be judged and hated either way, never belonging to the unity. Like I am bound to stand out, to be left out by the social group. To try and avoid that, my brain analyzes everything and everyone but often is irrational. Because I over analyze how people see me, what they might think or feel; but in the end I am just projecting my fears onto them way too much. Yet, I end up stuck, struggling to fit in, alone up in my head thinking I’m not interesting, weird, not worth anyone’s time and hated by everyone.

Nice right ? :) 

My mind just tricks me to believe that I am the worst and cringiest person in the world. I have been told before that I question myself too much. In fact, I prefer to - and cannot help but - analyze every situation in which I could be the source of a problem before blaming the other party. I also try to find many excuses for others. Maybe I am too gullible and try too much to see the good in people, or that I’ve been used to caring for others before myself. The problem with this is that unconsciously I expect the same train of thought from others when most times it is not the case. Sadly, it ended up hurting me as it is easy for people to take advantage of my overthinking.

→ Toxic people (narcissistic perverts…) like to make you feel guilty - often through gaslighting - and overthinkers are the pros for that… :/

However, my cousin has been teaching me to find the positive side of those habits that I don’t like. And I came to the conclusion that this habit made me more observant and that when my worries are communicated it makes for good and deep conversations. Apparently it also makes people question themselves more - or so I’ve been told :/.

Therefore I try to be more kind to myself and calm my overthinking by communicating. It’s not easy everyday… But it is so important. As important as speaking about your feelings.

I’m still learning how good it is for oversensitive people like me. I’ve always struggled to speak up about my emotions because I always thought they didn’t have value or importance or even that I was being overdramatic, faking it. it was like I never had a good enough reason to express myself and make people lose time on me, like I’m not worth it.

So I always second guess myself and think about the true worth of communicating what’s bothering me. Because if it’s little and I’m just blowing it or that in the end it turns out I was tricking myself and faking it unconsciously, I’ll just feel ultra guilty of wasting someone’s time and energy. Especially as I strive to make people around me feel good, safe, heard and comfortable (with me). And I know I tend to blow things out of proportion. Like I feel horrible when someone makes a tiny and precise criticism about my work even though I did all the rest well. Because it’s like I disappoint them by not doing good enough. 

The problem with me is that “good enough” has to be as close to “perfect” as possible. Simply because if I put energy in it I should go 100% and nail it. If it’s not the case then why waste time and embarrass myself ? Though I’ve been trying to understand - more to assimilate - that everyone’s 100% is different and even that every day’s 100% is different. And that’s completely okay and normal.

I’ve just been taught at school that you have to keep a high constant of activity even though it’s obviously not possible. 

Disappointing people is one of my greatest fears. I think that might be why I take things too personally all the time. So many times I tear up when someone makes a remark to a group I belong to, and even if I shouldn’t feel concerned I question myself and feel horrible. “I should’ve thought of it.”“I should’ve done it.”“I didn’t do good.” I hardly let myself fail as I haven’t failed much. So I pressure myself to keep my high average by being the most excellent. Yet I can hardly hold on anymore… It’s logical that I end up burned out. I overdid it and now I'm over it.

I am over with life.

At least that is what I think a lot but I’m working on it. I am trying to be done with being over-pessimistic. It’s not over for me, and if it’s not for you either, dear reader… Then,...

Let’s get over it together <3. 

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

“Open your heart. Someone will come. Someone will come for you. But first you must open your heart.” - The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

"Are you okay?"

No, I want the ocean to hold me as though I'm something precious.

Like it or not; those big, fancy oil paintings of Gods that you see in museums and places of worship are literally just fan art and no one will ever know which version is canon

I Was There

I was there for you.

I listened to all your problems.

If you needed me

I was there for you.

If you struggled

I was there for you.

If you had a breakdown

I was there for you.

If you needed a shoulder to cry on

I was there for you.

If you needed encouragement

I was there for you.

If you needed to vent

I was there for you.

If you wanted to gush about your day

I was there for you.

But when I needed you

You weren’t there.

I felt like the whole world was crushing me.

You weren’t there.

I felt a heavy weight on my soul.

You weren’t there.

I cried on the floor for hours.

You weren’t there.

I was so close to giving up.

You weren’t there.

I felt so alone.

You weren’t there.

I called you.

You weren’t there.

I needed you.

You weren’t there

You weren’t there,

Because you didn’t care.

Thinking about how differently the west and the east profess the same thing.

Hey, I'm going to the store now. Let me know if you need anything. I love you. / I'm going out now, where's your shopping list?

No, you're amazing! You're precious, they don't know what they're talking about! I know it was mean, but but don't let it bother you, okay? Stop crying, please? / They said that? Retards. Like c'mon, have they looked at themselves in the mirror? Donkeys. Now wash your face, it's all red.

I know I was angry, and I said some awful things, but... forgive me? / Hey. Here's some peeled fruit. Stop sulking, okay?

I think that it's because the west sees love as a a form of affirmation- I love you, here these flowers are for you. I'm here for you. I see you. Stay safe- and the east sees it as a form of expression- I bought you pens because you ran out, now give me those chocolates. Come on, I'll talk to those idiots for you. You're working hard, stop it before you get stupider than you are- and I think it's beautiful.

More thoughts late at night!

Jesus. Maybe I should make this a series.

Anywho, this one isn't Ao3 or even fandom related, more of just a personal update/rant.

And holy fuck have I been feeling isolated recently.

And this isn't a cry for anyone's pity or attention, I'd be fine if this got 0 notes, I just want it be out there and off my chest.

Does anyone else have that feeling of desperately wanting to talk to people but just feeling... like a waste of their time? And it's sometimes stuff where I don't even have anything good to talk about/ bring up or ask questions about. But I still want to talk to other people I just... don't even know how to bridge the gap.

So now I'm in this catch 22 hell where I do and don't want to talk to people and it just SUCKS.

Well, that's it for tonight. Sorry to rant at anyone who like, came to this blog for fandom stuff, but my blog doesn't have a theme just a majority of posts.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, feels nice to know there's other people out there sometimes.

<3