I Just Want Friends - Tumblr Posts

man I wish people understood how much it sucks ass to be neurodivergent and trying to find the middle ground where people like/tolerate you. like, I'm either "boring" (trying to wait my turn in conversations, holding space for other people, taking a back seat to let others get some spotlight) or "too much" (too loud/talking too much, getting excited to share, trying to participate in group conversations/activities). No one really talks about how much of being neurodivergent is just sort of trying to make yourself palatable.

I feel like so much of my life has been spent trying to find this effortless sort of middle ground everyone else seems to automatically already know, and I'm always swinging too far one way or the other. I'm lucky to have neurodivergent friends who grok me, but goddamn I wish that I could just like, exist without the constant background script in my brain that's like "you're being too loud. You're not talking enough. you're being self-centered. you're being boring. you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong." I feel like I'm back in high school trying to make friends but stuck as the eternal "weird kid"

it's just... lonely and sucks bad.

me after commenting on the posts of someone who I want to be my muti being the nicest person and they don't respond to me or they end up treating me like a weirdo

I’m ace/aro, and like... I don’t want a romantic partner. Like, ever.

I’m currently in a romantic relationship and... it’s really damn awkward because since COVID happened we’ve talked a total of four times. Four. In a year. I’m seeing him tomorrow and I’m planning on breaking up with him. I thought I felt attraction to him a year ago, but I really don’t.

I don’t ever want a romantic partner. What I do want is a roommate who will platonically cuddle me and be nice and give me hugs and help cook and be supportive of me without being romantically into me. I don’t want a relationship. I want cuddles and friends.

That’s it. That’s literally my life goal is to live a domestic life with a ROOMMATE, not a partner.

actually.

i might've been wrong about this. bc later last night/all of today i'm actually quite depressed feeling. and over more than just struggling to do my art again.

i'm lonely. i have all of two friends and one is my partner. i've tried for years and years to find new friends and any friends i did have/made in the past, i've not held on to any of them to this day. my highschool friend i still have now is the longest friendship i've had.

all i've ever wanted out of streaming is to find some cool, cozy, fun people to make friends with/stream with/do hobbies with. maybe i'm kinda foolish in thinking i could utilize streaming this way (rather than as a job like most people do). i thought i had achieved that a few years ago but turns out they were just a bunch of assholes and bullies. and the environment of streaming is different now so i barely get any traction on twitch (tho it might also be bc i don't interact much OUTSIDE my stream now either for all the trauma past people have caused me. i'm overly cautious to not repeat damaging patterns again)

i DESPERATELY want friends but bc of my trauma and autism, i over analyze the steps to making friends and it never feels like anyone wants to be friends with me now. how does an autistic adult make friends in this world cos idk how to do it.

(also, i feel like the only people who ever do somewhat engage with me on my streams are weirdo dudes and i don't want weirdo dudes, if anything, i'm so traumatized by Men i just about don't want them around me ever. i'm here for the queers)

normally, i wouldn't really want to post something like this on my Branded accounts but i feel like i don't ever get any traction on tumblr anyway bc of the State of tumblr and i lost cohost to go whine on, plus i'm already juggling way too many accounts for my vtuber stuff anyway, i don't wanna make a separate account to whine on. i might delete this later when i'm feeling less pity party but man. one or two friends that aren't pieces of shit and have a bunch of common interests with me could fix me.

i don't think i get seasonal depression but i do think i get like. 'feeling artistically insecure/forget how to be an artist' syndrome around this time of year and it SUCKS bc this is the time i wanna draw the MOST cos it's my fave time of year ; w ;

I’m scared of most men. I try to get over it by being friendly with one. They think I want them and try to get me to come over. I get scared again and ghost them.