Deep Shit - Tumblr Posts
I hate myself for thinking my voice isn't enough when I'm not being heard.
Forgiveness is not something that the person who wronged you has to earn; it is freely given. However, trust is something that must be earned, deserved, fought for and maintained.
When you trust someone you love, you hand them your heart. In betrayal, they break it. Forgiveness allows you to take what is yours back and liberates you to move on. But by giving them your trust back, you're handing them your heart all over agan; something they have proven to be irresponsible with.
At my core, I am a loving and compassionate person who wouldn't hesitate to take a bullet for the people that I love. I feel this is one of my best qualities. That being said, God has been teaching me recently that the respect and care and consideration I give to those around me may not always be returned. Others may not care about me in the way I care about them. When I decide to put forth effort with someone, I give them everything; I give them my whole heart because I want them to feel the depth of my love for them.
I am learning that not everyone is deserving of all of me. In light of this new understanding, I will continue to embrace forgiveness and I will continue to be loving towards others, but I am no longer handing out my heart like it is nothing of value.
I am so tired of chasing and embracing people that would not and have not done the same for me. I am tired of not respecting myself enough to protect my heart. You want my love? You want my trust? Earn it.
My dad and I once had a disagreement over him using the adage "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
I said, "That's just not true. Sometimes what doesn't kill you leaves you brittle and injured or traumatized."
He stopped and thought about that for a while. He came back later, and said, "It's like wood glue."
He pointed to my bookshelf, which he helped me salvage a while ago. He said, "Do you remember how I explained that, once we used the wood glue on them, the shelves would actually be stronger than they were before they broke?"
I did.
"But before we used the wood glue, those shelves were broken. They couldn't hold up shit. If you had put books on them, they would have collapsed. And that wood glue had to set awhile. If we put anything on them too early, they would have collapsed just the same as if we'd never fixed them at all. You've got to give these things time to set."
It sounded like a pretty good metaphor to me, but one thing I did pick up on was that whatever broke those shelves, that's not the thing that made them stronger. That just broke them. It was being fixed that made them stronger. It was the glue.
So my dad and I agreed, what doesn't kill you doesn't actually make you stronger, but healing does. And if you feel like healing hasn't made you stronger than you were before, you're probably not done healing. You've got to give these things time to set.
you can't spell treason without reason
Please share your secret to being so fucking confident! Like, I’m being criticized on MY blog for the shit I not make or post, just what I reblog- slurs hurt-
Things are gonna get real deep now my love. I could say: haters are losers - and as a winner, I'm busy in a capacity they couldn't even fathom. So I simply do not have enough time in a day to give losers a thought. I could also say: haters are unhappy people with a tragic lives. It sounds like a cliché. But think about it, if you are a well-balanced individual, happy, safe, calm, collected, with a decently put together life and a clearly constructed short-term and long-term purpose/meaning... you won't be going around doing any hating. You simply won't. It's not even in the frame of your consciousness; you won't even be able to access the mere idea of hating on others as a possible task/behaviour to engage yourself with. Which means that a hater must live at the very opposite realm of that. And that must be awful. I genuinly feel sorry for people in this amount of distress - but simultaneously, I have zero empathy for their destructive ways of coping with it. I could also say: diet discipline. The same way your body will evolve and take shape based on what you feed it and what activities you choose to engage it in - your mind will do the same. Feed it with mush and you're gonna turn your mind into mush. I could also say: priorities. 1 minute spent on a hater is 1 less minute spent on a lover. Time is finite. It's your most valuable asset and you get to spend it however you want! With 2 big caveats; you can't take it back and you can't make more of it. With that knowledge at the immediate forefront of your mind, it becomes very obvious why you shouldn't engage with hate. Also, if you'd actually make a list of things that are more important to deal with than your haters, you'd end up with an infinitely long list. Really, clearing the filter of your washing machine is probably 80.000x more important than replying to a mean comment. The few times I actively do choose to engage with a hateful comment, it is to educate people in the "surroundings" by pointing out why this is either; a problematic way to conduct yourself, a failure in logics/reasoning or a generally poor behaviour you should strive to avoid for yourself. Bc I feel it is of value and importance to do our best to mitigate "up and coming" abusers and help steer potential trainwrecks back on track. I could say all of these things. Or I could simply just say idgaf. And all of them would be true.
ok so remember when I said I do poetry sometimes
this one has been well received by people irl so here y'all go, enjoy
slight tw: s3lf h4rm
you're gone
I remember so many things
how it felt to love you
to be loved by you
to hold you, kiss you
to just enjoy being with you
each memory is a new razor blade
too sharp to feel its slice
until the wave has passed
and I am forced to confront my thoughts head on
and only then do I notice the damage
caused by you, despite your desire to never hurt me
only then do I feel the burning
become aware of the drip
drip
drip
of my blood
but by then it's too late
you've cut me too deep
and I will bleed to death
drowning in thoughts of you
I hate how I'm always being supportive but never get anything back
I guess it's the universe's way to say that I don't really matter