I Also Often Wonder Why People Dont Approach Me, Even When I Feel Like They May Be Interested. Am I Unapproachable?

I also often wonder why people don’t approach me, even when I feel like they may be interested. Am I unapproachable? Or is it just because I am good at deflecting things when I feel too involved. Like how people get nervous with intense eye contact, I get nervous with intentional behavior?

I AM SO FREAKING BORED. I finished all the work I had to get done and now all I have on the agenda today is make coffee, listen to an audiobook, and take a nap. Maybe I will get a Chickfila lemonade later. Yeah I think I will do that. I guess tomorrow I will be hanging out with Kate, so that will be fun. We can get a little bevy. I need to do my laundry and that take freaking forever. I love the smell of the laundry room in Hart, it smells like clean clothes. I lowkey like the common area too on that side of Hart. It is lowkey so cluttered and a little trashy but haha it’s kind of iconic. Just as iconic as the weed smell.

(pc: pinterest)

I respect Jane Eyre but I could never be her. Maybe that’s what I am afraid of. I would hate to build an entire life of self sufficiency and then give all of that opportunity over an unfair romance. I am so scared of being treated unfairly. That would not happen if I never exposed my vulnerability. Men don’t get it and they are so predictable. They don’t understand what it’s like living in their heads 95% of the time. They don’t think everything through like I do, and when I explain myself they don’t understand and it makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. But, if I say something then I am seen as sensitive, so I never say anything because that is weakness. Even if the most well meaning man were to read anything I write, they would never understand it. They have never predicted the outcome like a girl or picked apart every angle of a situation in under ten minutes and come up with a resolution that would have taken a man weeks. Sometimes it’s hard living in my head, but what do I do about it. I don’t know how to communicate how I feel, I avoid things (people), I will cause, work through, and solve a billion problems in my head. No one gets it. Maybe some, but I feel really weird and solitary abut this kind of thing. I would never tell anyone this. “I have a lot on my mind” is the understatement of a lifetime. If anyone could ever actually be with me, they need to understand me and what I mean when I tell them things. It is hard to explain everything that goes on in my head, so they just need to be ok with what I am able to give them. That sounds impossible.

My role model Sinead O’Conner🩵

I feel incredibly heartless, but not in a way that hurts me, only those who are more sensitive and well meaning than I am.