I AM SO FREAKING BORED. I Finished All The Work I Had To Get Done And Now All I Have On The Agenda Today

I AM SO FREAKING BORED. I finished all the work I had to get done and now all I have on the agenda today is make coffee, listen to an audiobook, and take a nap. Maybe I will get a Chickfila lemonade later. Yeah I think I will do that. I guess tomorrow I will be hanging out with Kate, so that will be fun. We can get a little bevy. I need to do my laundry and that take freaking forever. I love the smell of the laundry room in Hart, it smells like clean clothes. I lowkey like the common area too on that side of Hart. It is lowkey so cluttered and a little trashy but haha it’s kind of iconic. Just as iconic as the weed smell.

I love going to the library early when almost no one is here. It is very peaceful. I have not had the chance because I have an 8 am three days a week and I like to sleep until 8 on the days I don’t. I just need to stop being a wuss and get up early, because the library opens at 7 am. I can pick my own table by the window and do all my little tasks in total solitude, except for the occasional student library worker. I love solitude. I feel so natural and at ease in solitude. Sometimes I feel like if I spend too much time alone, though, that I start to crave it more in a way that may not be healthy. I obviously like certain people. I enjoy my tri-weekly conversations with **** **** on the bus after class. I like my chats with ****. I am always calling my mom, *******, or ******. And yes, I even like to talk with glasses **** before and after molds and mushrooms. But my favorite times are when I can be alone and listen to my music or talk to myself and rationalize and reason different problems in my head. I live in my head for sure. I have some pretty fine real estate up there and I don’t think anyone does more mental gymnastics than me.

I feel incredibly heartless, but not in a way that hurts me, only those who are more sensitive and well meaning than I am.

(pc: pinterest)

I respect Jane Eyre but I could never be her. Maybe that’s what I am afraid of. I would hate to build an entire life of self sufficiency and then give all of that opportunity over an unfair romance. I am so scared of being treated unfairly. That would not happen if I never exposed my vulnerability. Men don’t get it and they are so predictable. They don’t understand what it’s like living in their heads 95% of the time. They don’t think everything through like I do, and when I explain myself they don’t understand and it makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. But, if I say something then I am seen as sensitive, so I never say anything because that is weakness. Even if the most well meaning man were to read anything I write, they would never understand it. They have never predicted the outcome like a girl or picked apart every angle of a situation in under ten minutes and come up with a resolution that would have taken a man weeks. Sometimes it’s hard living in my head, but what do I do about it. I don’t know how to communicate how I feel, I avoid things (people), I will cause, work through, and solve a billion problems in my head. No one gets it. Maybe some, but I feel really weird and solitary abut this kind of thing. I would never tell anyone this. “I have a lot on my mind” is the understatement of a lifetime. If anyone could ever actually be with me, they need to understand me and what I mean when I tell them things. It is hard to explain everything that goes on in my head, so they just need to be ok with what I am able to give them. That sounds impossible.

Being a woman is getting crotch pics from a man, and then him playing fucking dumb when you tell him you didn’t like that

I think my favorite discovery thus far in 2024 is that the only person forcing me to be an extrovert is myself and I have no obligation to be so. Also, I am not heartless, I just have an emotional family.