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I AM SO FREAKING BORED. I finished all the work I had to get done and now all I have on the agenda today is make coffee, listen to an audiobook, and take a nap. Maybe I will get a Chickfila lemonade later. Yeah I think I will do that. I guess tomorrow I will be hanging out with Kate, so that will be fun. We can get a little bevy. I need to do my laundry and that take freaking forever. I love the smell of the laundry room in Hart, it smells like clean clothes. I lowkey like the common area too on that side of Hart. It is lowkey so cluttered and a little trashy but haha it’s kind of iconic. Just as iconic as the weed smell.

I feel incredibly heartless, but not in a way that hurts me, only those who are more sensitive and well meaning than I am.

If gas was free I think I would just drive all the time. I could just listen to music and drive through pretty land and pretend like I don’t exist. Also, maybe if my car’s check engine light didn’t come on whenever I drive for too long.

Being a woman is getting crotch pics from a man, and then him playing fucking dumb when you tell him you didn’t like that

My role model Sinead O’Conner🩵

I love going to the library early when almost no one is here. It is very peaceful. I have not had the chance because I have an 8 am three days a week and I like to sleep until 8 on the days I don’t. I just need to stop being a wuss and get up early, because the library opens at 7 am. I can pick my own table by the window and do all my little tasks in total solitude, except for the occasional student library worker. I love solitude. I feel so natural and at ease in solitude. Sometimes I feel like if I spend too much time alone, though, that I start to crave it more in a way that may not be healthy. I obviously like certain people. I enjoy my tri-weekly conversations with **** **** on the bus after class. I like my chats with ****. I am always calling my mom, *******, or ******. And yes, I even like to talk with glasses **** before and after molds and mushrooms. But my favorite times are when I can be alone and listen to my music or talk to myself and rationalize and reason different problems in my head. I live in my head for sure. I have some pretty fine real estate up there and I don’t think anyone does more mental gymnastics than me.

I am never marrying a man with anger issues ever. It is not worth the trouble to walk on egg shells and be punished by someone else’s anger for no reason. Its not fair to animals. Its especially not fair because I never know when it is gonna happen and it is instantly my fault. I hate it so much. HATE IT!!! But I can never do anything. I would probably never get hit at my age but its muscle memory and I am too scared to react. I hate being held to some standard or behavior. I am the one in the wrong if I separate myself from the anger. I am in the wrong if I react to it. I feel like I am expected to just be emotionally curb stomped and just take it because otherwise I am “being disrespectful”. I don’t realize how ridiculous this all is until I spend time away from it. I obviously would never want my parents to divorce but I could personally never be married to anyone with issues like that.

Feelings are such a colossal waste of time. They make you irrational, obsessive, and inefficient. It doesn’t even take me an emotionally destructive experience to say that. That is just what I think all the time. I wish that I didn’t have feelings so that life could be easier. Most of the time I feel like I don’t. I kind of feel like my heart is empty except for a few people. And I feel a total absence of any romantic feelings. I don’t know if I can have them. They seem way to embarrassing. I guess I can admire people and want them to like me in some way but I feel gross when I think of them in a romantic way. It sounds totally sociopathic, but the times I have let myself get carried away I become obsessive yet avoidant. I don’t know how to be casual. It’s not even romance, it’s obsession, so I stopped that fast because that is embarrassing. Now, I feel like I have neither obsession nor romance. There might be a little bit of interest and thought but ultimately, because I can never read people, it feels like a waste of time. Also, no one is good enough. I get icked out so fast. Like I can think about the idea of having a boyfriend all I want and how great that would be, but whenever there are actual men it is so gross. I will always find something to criticize. Forget having “standards”, it will take one thing for me to want nothing to do with you ever again. I have to force myself to be nice. I don’t even know what my love language or if I even have one. I have had friends ask me, and I never know what to say. I would say the only one that really appeals to me is quality time, but I love being alone. I feel awkward receiving gifts, and I always find it hard to pick stuff out for people. I don’t like just be touched, and I feel awkward touching other people, like I don’t feel like myself. I have to make an intentional effort to hug people and it shows. I get awkward when people compliment me or tell me good stuff about me and I always feel like they are lying. I am bad at giving intentional words of affirmation because I am too in my head to form words that I feel like are actually meaningful. Also, I like my independence too much to let people help me with tasks. I have a way I do stuff and I don’t like people trying to interfere with that. I just can’t imagine anyone feeling attracted to me in the first place. When that has come up in the past I always assume it’s a joke or something. Also, when I find out, I never reciprocate because that is too gross to me. I can never see myself and romance so I just seem to avoid it. I don’t think I am unlikable, I have friends and family I know loves me, but romance is different. It feels unrealistic and unattainable to me. Those feelings make me feel way to out of control to be appealing.

So I accidentally backed into someone in a parking lot (a parked car not a person). I didn’t do any damage as far as I am concerned so I left because… well there was no damage. Also, the were parked very close behind me and were not there when I had initially parked. I am just imaging how that is gonna flash before my eyes at the pearly gates, but I am honestly not very concerned. Also, there is this dude in my shrooms class, Jake, who has been talking to me and DM-ing me on instagram and liking my stories and I am just letting it happen. I don’t even have a reaction at this point. I also wonder if I seem really mean on campus because I have a very serious resting face and I have the habit of accidentally glaring at people. If you come up to me I am nice, but I probably come across so mean. I think it’s just a mentality thing because I don’t really care how I come across to people I don’t know. It is not my responsibility to control how people think of me. I would prefer if people didn’t come up to talk to me anyways.

I would like to start a sociology class hate club. In what universe is an assessment of 40 questions a quiz? Call it an exam or test because then I will take it seriously and not tank my 4.0 on a class that has nothing to do with my major. I am done with your hypotheticals and trick questions

Sociology

More like kiss my ass loser

Maintain GPA!

That is my haiku to destress. Sociology taught by an old white man has nothing on me. Especially since he comes to class late sometimes. Not my problem.

Why I could never date a frat boy? Because they are too busy having homoerotic relationships with the other frat members.

I think my favorite discovery thus far in 2024 is that the only person forcing me to be an extrovert is myself and I have no obligation to be so. Also, I am not heartless, I just have an emotional family.

I also often wonder why people don’t approach me, even when I feel like they may be interested. Am I unapproachable? Or is it just because I am good at deflecting things when I feel too involved. Like how people get nervous with intense eye contact, I get nervous with intentional behavior?

I feel incredibly heartless, but not in a way that hurts me, only those who are more sensitive and well meaning than I am.

Hiiiii I am just a girl who needs to express how she feels through written words and visuals because that is all I know how to do. Not all of what I share is chronological <3 Enjoy

I like:

~ Pinterest

~ Listening to music 25/8

~ Reading

~ Writing

~ Being alone

~ Nature

~ Various different handsome actors

pc: pinterest

(pc: pinterest)

I respect Jane Eyre but I could never be her. Maybe that’s what I am afraid of. I would hate to build an entire life of self sufficiency and then give all of that opportunity over an unfair romance. I am so scared of being treated unfairly. That would not happen if I never exposed my vulnerability. Men don’t get it and they are so predictable. They don’t understand what it’s like living in their heads 95% of the time. They don’t think everything through like I do, and when I explain myself they don’t understand and it makes me feel crazy. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. But, if I say something then I am seen as sensitive, so I never say anything because that is weakness. Even if the most well meaning man were to read anything I write, they would never understand it. They have never predicted the outcome like a girl or picked apart every angle of a situation in under ten minutes and come up with a resolution that would have taken a man weeks. Sometimes it’s hard living in my head, but what do I do about it. I don’t know how to communicate how I feel, I avoid things (people), I will cause, work through, and solve a billion problems in my head. No one gets it. Maybe some, but I feel really weird and solitary abut this kind of thing. I would never tell anyone this. “I have a lot on my mind” is the understatement of a lifetime. If anyone could ever actually be with me, they need to understand me and what I mean when I tell them things. It is hard to explain everything that goes on in my head, so they just need to be ok with what I am able to give them. That sounds impossible.