I Think You Lost All Interest In This World. You Were Disappointed And Discouraged, And Lost Interest
“I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.”
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
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More Posts from Mercurialmink
Remember
Do you remember that night we spent on the floor, playing Pokémon? We must've kissed for hours, laying on that floor together. Afterward, you rested your head on my lap and stared up at me with your soul-snatching eyes. It was the first time I ever felt safe being so close to someone. Even though we were still basically strangers...you felt like home.
That night. That's when I knew I was yours.
“It is better to be alone than to be with someone who can’t see who you are.”
— E. Lockhart
“Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone”
— Unknown
Happy Birthday
Dear big bro,
Today is your birthday. Today you would've been 30 years old, and I would've rubbed my youth in your face just to be cheeky. It's your birthday, yet it's the 5th one you haven't been alive to celebrate. Obviously, I wish you were here. I wish you had made it past 25.
If you were here today, I would watch a movie with you--any movie you would've wanted to watch. I would buy you an ice cream cake and sing happy birthday like every other year. I would even smoke a black & mild with you outside because I know how much that would've meant to you.
I would tell you how proud of you I was then--and still am now--for getting up each day and trying again even though it wasn't easy (it was excruciatingly painful). I would tell you I forgive you for the pain you caused when you were in the throes of your battle with addiction. I would tell you I love you--that I always did even when I was hurt and angry--and that I always will.
And I would also apologize for not being there for you when you needed support most. I would tell you I'm sorry that I closed myself off in my pain instead of trying to understand you.
And of course, I would thank you for being my big brother--for being such an important and beautiful part of my life.
Happy birthday, Zach.
I love you and I miss you (always).
At a certain point, I realized I couldn't try to make us work anymore. I realized I couldn't, and even more, I realized I didn't want to be the only one fighting for us any longer.
I realized I want so much more than to keep myself stuck feeling how I've felt my whole life--lonely.
So I let you go.