Remember

Remember

Do you remember that night we spent on the floor, playing Pokémon? We must've kissed for hours, laying on that floor together. Afterward, you rested your head on my lap and stared up at me with your soul-snatching eyes. It was the first time I ever felt safe being so close to someone. Even though we were still basically strangers...you felt like home.

That night. That's when I knew I was yours.

They say I dodged a bullet, but why can't I believe it?

Happy Birthday

Dear big bro,

Today is your birthday. Today you would've been 30 years old, and I would've rubbed my youth in your face just to be cheeky. It's your birthday, yet it's the 5th one you haven't been alive to celebrate. Obviously, I wish you were here. I wish you had made it past 25.

If you were here today, I would watch a movie with you--any movie you would've wanted to watch. I would buy you an ice cream cake and sing happy birthday like every other year. I would even smoke a black & mild with you outside because I know how much that would've meant to you.

I would tell you how proud of you I was then--and still am now--for getting up each day and trying again even though it wasn't easy (it was excruciatingly painful). I would tell you I forgive you for the pain you caused when you were in the throes of your battle with addiction. I would tell you I love you--that I always did even when I was hurt and angry--and that I always will.

And I would also apologize for not being there for you when you needed support most. I would tell you I'm sorry that I closed myself off in my pain instead of trying to understand you.

And of course, I would thank you for being my big brother--for being such an important and beautiful part of my life.

Happy birthday, Zach.

I love you and I miss you (always).

Can we just

Pretend we never met

And start all over?

How dare I let myself believe that anyone could ever actually love me.

Daddy Issues

Oops

It happened again.

The words that left your mouth

Transformed you into my father

And left me an obstinate

Shameful human mistake

Who would rather die than look you in the eyes again.