Fic Under Cut

Fic under cut

It’s Love That I Fear.

Lloyd couldn’t stop himself from sobbing in his pillow at… He looked up at the clock, tears falling down his face, at 2:37 am.

God, Lloyd was really pathetic.

He whimpers and shoved his head back into his pillow. Trying to silence his sobs in the middle of the night, thinking back to earlier…

——————————————————

Lloyd had decided to take a break from training with the others, still a bit exhausted from the trip to the never realm. So he thought it would be nice to just take the rest of the day off and hang out with his childhood friend.

Him and Brad were on the balcony together, talking about there life’s recently and just having a good time.

But suddenly when Brad laughed at a stupid joke Lloyd had made… a feeling exploded in his chest… It was warm, soft and…. terrifying.

The last time The Green Ninja had felt that feeling was with the Jade Princess, Harumi, the girl who stole his head and shattered it. She betrayed him in that oni cave and brought his fa- Garmadon, back and nearly had his friends killed… His true Family, even not by blood… but Lloyd getting off track, Harumi ruined his life… that’s it. But… It hurt Lloyd. He couldn’t trust people the same.

There was another fear pooling in his gut too… This thought seems so stupid and pathetic but he can’t help be feel fear that he realized he feel for his childhood best friend, who’s also a boy…. Lloyd couldn’t help but feel a sharp stinging realization that he was gay… well, Bisexual. He feels scared. People speak so lowly and disgusted of queer people… He’s one. *He’s one.* He feels stupid for feeling scared of that. All his siblings are queer, people understand him out there. But he can’t help but feel alone, isolated.

Lloyd hadn’t realized he was panicking till he heard Brad worriedly say his name “Lloyd…?” Lloyd snaps out of it and looks at Brad. He could feel his face heating up looking at the elder of the pair.

He had his hand on Lloyds shoulder and his eye brows were pinched together. “Are ok Lloyd? You were starting to hyperventilate there…”

Lloyd just laughed it off and shook his head “I’m completely fine” His hands were shaking and he was sweating. He knew that this was the sighs of a soon to be panic attack.

The scary warm feeling in his chest was still there and he felt like throwing up. He couldn’t stop thinking of Harumi… He was afraid that this feeling for Brad was going to lead him to pain, like how Harumi did.

Lloyd looked at his phone and tried to put on a sorry expression, but really he was nervous and scared. He quickly started to walk into Brads apartment, collecting his things and quickly saying before he bolts out of Brads door “I should really get going! Bye!” And with that Lloyd slammed Brads door, quickly running down the stairs and to his bike that he used to get here.

Brad just stood in his apartment, his eyes wide and mouth hung open. He was shock by Lloyds sudden need to get out and leave… “O-oh… Bye…?” He said quietly to himself after Lloyd had left. He started to feel worried for Lloyd.

Lloyd could feel tears pricking his eyes and his breathing quickening. He was trying to be as fast as possible and get to the monastery before he broke down over something so… stupid ——————————————————

When Lloyd had gotten home, to the monastery, he opened the gates and then quickly closed them with shaking hands.

He could feel his breathing hitching and picking up in pace and the tears trying to fall from his eyes. He was panicking over a stupid crush! How stupid is he?! He doesn’t deserve to be the green ninja if this is how panicked he is after realizing he has feelings he didn’t even want!

Most people don’t panic like this. Most people aren’t like a time bomb waiting to explode either though.

Lloyds thoughts were running wild as he quickly ran through the monastery halls and to his bed room. Right as he was about to close his bed room door he heard a worried sounding

“Lloyd?”

Lloyd sighed and grimaced at hearing Kai’s voice, not wanting to put up with Kai teasing him about Brad or being overbearing with who Lloyd hangs out with.

The Blondie didn’t turn around when he, without mean to, harshly snapped “Leave me alone” And then slammed the door behind him. Leaving a worried Kai on the other side.

Kai could tell that his little brother was upset about something, so he gently knocked on Lloyds door. “Is everything ok, kid?” The worry was present in his tone, Kai can always tell when something is up with Lloyd. So right now, all the alarm in his brain were going off telling him that Lloyd was on the brim on a panic attack or breakdown… But why? Wasn’t he with Brad? Kai gets mad himself now, he swears if Brad did something to hurt Lloyd…

“I’m fine, Kai. Just leave me alone.”

Lloyd had tried to make his voice not sound wet or like he was a second away from crying his head out.

Kai sigh from the other side, he knew his little brother. He knew when something was up, but he also knew when the kid needed some alone time.

So, Kai decided not to push it with Lloyd.

He walked away from Lloyd’s door, but before he did he soft said “Just know i’m here if you need anything, green bean.” As Kai walked away he tried to hear if Lloyd responded but he didn’t. With one last sigh Kai walked away.

Lloyd waited for a bit before he figured the coast was clear and just broke down sobbing. He shoved his head in his pillow, trying to muffle his sobbing.

——————————————————

And that’s how Lloyd got to where he is now. Sobbing in his room in the middle of the night. He hadn’t gone out for dinner or anything, he was just being a big baby.

After a bit Lloyds sobbing finally died down, so he was left feeling drained and exhausted. From just everything, the crying, the whole day.

The fact that he might have feelings for Brad is terrifying. Because what if Brad turns out like Harumi and becomes a insane revenge thirsty maniac? No. Brad would never, not even Darkly's could make Brad evil, he’s too kind. But still, even with that thought Lloyd still has the fear that. rad is not going to be who he says he is and everyone Lloyd cares about and Lloyd is going to end up hurt.

Also though what if Brads not gay? What if Lloyd comes out to Brad and then Brad thinks he disgusting and they stop being friends? What if everyone thinks Lloyd is gross…? It’s not normal to be bisexual, or whatever Lloyd is. He’s never thought about being gay before. There’s nothing wrong with it, and all his siblings are queer. But he suddenly just feels so alone. Like no one could understand him.

He sighs, the breath shaky and uneven. Lloyd doesn’t want to have to deal with this right now.

He just tries his best to sleep at this point, there’s nothing else he can really do.

I can’t draw….

but you know what I can do?

.

.

.

.

.

.

WRITE FANFICS AHAHHAHAHAH 

i procrastinate so badly omg- i have like 13 fanfic ideas(all lloyd centric lol) but i haven’t started like any of them- :’)

should I do a poll to see which one I should start on 🤔

Lloyd Garmadon head canons!!

i was thinking of more head canons all day at school bc of asher- lol

-His favorite color is red(bc of Kai lol)

-when he was younger he liked punk/metal music but as he grew older he grew out of it and now likes more indie/soft type of songs

-Darklys never taught him how to read, write, do math, or just basic knowledge

-But what he did learn at darklys was how to pick a lock, pitpoket, and a few other villianish things

-Nya was the first one in the team that lloyd became friends with

-Kai was the last one he became freinds with, and that wasn't until the volcano

-He has a green thumb and can revive any plant from the dead, ANY.

-During the merge he learned how to cook and bake

-Knows how to play the drums and guitar, but he doesn't do it often because it's so loud

-Him and Brad secretly dated for a few months before telling the others

-Ik the FSM said he wouldn't remember, but he does sometimes wonder what would of happened if he went with the FSM at the end of season 10

-He has a love hate relationship with physical touch, he only wants it from people who he trusts or knows personally

-Loves taking walks out in nature, always goes with Zane though

-He doesn't like to be alone, unless he's in a mood. But even then he doesn't entirely wanna be alone but he doesn't wanna be with others either and have to socialize

-He likes it when Brad gives him pet names(or just other ppl- but like Brad gives him more sweet ones)

-He dies over praises, they give him too much life

-Kai teases him about Brad and he gets insanely red(even more so before they got together)

idk if I should make a post for angsty ones... you what? i should :3

also lol I finally figured out how to color texts-

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH <333

in honor of pride month im going to say my ninjago pride hc’s :D 

also please stay safe y’all <3

Ima go oldest ninja to youngest ninja :P (hc age, also speaking of hc, please remember that these are all headcanons. i’m only saying i think that these fit the characters. i’m not saying you have to agree, this is just what i think.)

Zane - Agender, Polyamorous, pan, + i think he’d maybe use neos (he/they/ze)

Cole - Gay, polyamorous, cis (he/him)

Kai - Demi boy, omniromantic, asexual, polyamorous (he/they)

Jay - Bigender, bisexual, asexual (he/she)

Nya - Lesbian, demi girl (they/she)

Lloyd - Genderfluid, aroace, biromantic (She/They/He)

ps pixal bc i love/p her sm <33

Pixal - Agender, lesbian (she/her)

Lloyd is the type of person who still sleeps with someone after a nightmare even if he’s like 30 years old

The burning Fate

Post Seabound/season 15

Warning - Attempted suicide, cursing, past overdosing/drowning (attempt), self harm, implied eating disorder, self gaslighting

Heads up -

 - i hc lloyd as Genderfluid, in this their pronouns will be they/them

- Lloyd and brad are dating (brad is two years older then lloyd- so it’s not illegal or smth and like also lloyd is 17)  also Brad is this kid who was in like season 1 and he went to darklys with Lloyd :)

- i hc Lloyd and autistic, i kinda hint to it in one part (also im not autistic- but i have autistic friends, and if i do smth wrong ever, pls tell me)

- also im not saying if you have any mental disorder or smth your stupid- just ppl think that, when your rlly not-

 - also i have no idea how to comfort- and idk how to write i either- so yea-

Lloyd has been up on top of this building for about an hour. An hour numbly looking down below into the busy street as the darkness surrounds them. Some lights flash into their faces from time to time. But it doesn’t matter to Lloyd, this will be their last few minutes.

Ever since Nya left Lloyd's life has gone back to hell. First of all, Kai and Jay will always be yelling at each other, no matter how loud Lloyd made the music, they could still hear their older brothers yelling at each other. Most of the time it'd just get to the point where it was too much for Lloyd and they just couldn’t hold it anymore and cry, they couldn’t help but get overwhelmed by it all. It’s all their fault though. It’s their fault. They're a horrible leader. Nobody wants a stupid, disabled kid to be their savior.

After nya left the ninja, Lloyd also started to relapse… just like after the sons of garmadon and harumi. They locked themself in their room all the time, never coming out. Not eating, and they would get the extra razor that they have to… hurt themself. They have the scars all over them, not just their wrists. Their thighs, shoulders. Just really anywhere that they can hide it. Where they can hide how hard everything really was for them. They had to  hide, they couldn’t be seen as weak. They’re the green ninja, they’re the one who has to protect everyone.

This isn’t the first time they tried to kill themself.. Lloyd thought as they looked over the edge of the tall building. A month after Nya left them to merge with the ocean, they tried to drown themselves, but Kai tried to find them and stopped them before it was too late. They were forced to stay in the mental hospital for a few weeks, it wasn’t because the ninja thought that they were psycho or anything. Just they tried to kill themselves. When they got to be sent back home, they snuck out one night. No word or anything. And just ran away. So they’ve been living with Brad, Gene, and Sally for about 7 months.

The other time Lloyd tried to end it all was after they moved in with brad. They got a lot of pills and just chugged them all down, it worked. But Sally found them passed out on the floor, and called the ambulance before Lloyd actually died. After they were sent home, Brad kept a close eye on his lover.

Lloyds honestly is kinda embarrassed and disappointed in themselves for failing twice to kill themselves. Well… is it them..? because really, they could’ve done it, but then people keep finding them. They should really try to do it when no one is around or anything. But hey… no one is around right now… just five more simple steps.. and all the pain will be over, they’ll no longer feel the stinging sensation in their arms or thighs after this. Because they’ll be gone. Just like everyone always wanted. For the blonde brat , that was Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon, to be dead.

Funny thing is right now they're not even fully blonde. They dyed their pink with red tips. It makes them think of valentines though, not going to lie. But does it matter? no. Nothing matters. Everything is all useless. All that matters is that in a few seconds, they’ll be free. Free from being the green ninja, free from being the leader and the reason your team fell apart. Free from destiny. Maybe that’s why they’re still alive. Because destiny needs a puppet to pick sticks at, to try to entertain itself. Fuck destiny, man. Fuck it.

Lloyd lets their mind wander as they take one step closer to the edge, one step closer to death.

They think about when they went to The Wailing Alsps, with Clancee. This snake pirate, who was very familiar and lloyd feels like they’ve seen before. And it wasn’t just because of when the whole thing with chen was going on.. some other time… A time Lloyd can’t put their finger on. But anyways When Lloyd and Clancee went to the wailing alsps and almost died, they thought of kai. How Kai was always there for them, and was like the brother and father Lloyd never had. Lloyd is the one who’s leaving, just like last time. But… this is what Kai wanted… The night Lloyd ran away they and Kai got into a fight… Not Jay and kai. But Lloyd and Kai.  It was in the heat of the moment when Kai yelled that he wished he never saved Lloyd from that volcano. Which right after Kai realized what he said to lloyd. But it was too late. The damage was done.

Four more steps…

Three more steps…

Fuck it all. Lloyd thought.  Fuck. Destiny can go find some other blonde bitch to do its bidding.  In Lloyd's last few seconds they just felt rage. The closer they got to the edge the more they got angry.

The last few years their anger has gotten worse. But it gives Lloyd something to think about. It lets Lloyd actually feel something. Sometimes it’s like they're not angry at all, but the next they’re fuming. Like right now.

Like how right now just the thought of Garmadon makes them want to go smash their “fathers” face into a fucking wall. Or Harumi. Definitely Harumi. She messes everything up and then just goes and dies just like that. At least she’s out of their life. even if they can never stop thinking about her… Or the version of Harumi in The Prime Empire game Lloyd and the other ninjas were trapped in.

Lloyd took a deep breath in through the noise and out the mouth.

Taking another step closer.

Two more steps…

One more step…

Lloyd looks all the way down. Heh… So this is it.. The end of the line. Maybe i’ll get to see my real father.

Just as Lloyd took the last step they swore they heard the door slam open to the top of the building… and some yelling..? But all Lloyd could feel now was the air in their face, the wind messing with their hair. And… It stopped…? did they fall that fast to the ground..?

No…no… No! why.. NononoNO!

They feel a hand gripping tightly on the wrist. A familiar voice yelling for them to stay. A sound that is almost like someone sobbing..?

Lloyd hazily looks up to the person who’s stopping them. Only to see Brad, His eyes red and bloodshot, Tears running down his face as he finally manages to pull Lloyd up. Brad falls to the ground and wraps his arms around his partner. Sobbing and hugging them tightly. Lloyd gets some anger inside of them because Brad stopped them. But they can’t help but just stare blankly as Brad sobs that he almost lost lloyd.

“I-I…”

Lloyd tries to get anything out to brad. But they can’t. They just feel numb again, as Brad holds them.

After a few moments Brad gets it under control and wipes at his eyes. He then stands up and tightly holds Lloyd's hand, it doesn’t hurt. But it doesn’t matter. Brad waits for lloyd to stand up before they say

“I… I love you… I’m sorry.. I’m sorry Lloyd.”

Brad doesn’t seem to know what to say at this moment. I mean… What can you say after you find your partner almost killing themselves…? ‘Why?’ ‘What about me?’ ‘Don’t leave?’ ‘People are going to miss you’ ‘I will miss you’ No… None of it seems right… Brad just stays quiet and looks down at Lloyd, love in his eyes.

He hugs Lloyd again tightly and then lets go. Tightly holding Lloyd's hand.

The door to the top was still open from when Brad came running up here to get to Lloyd before it was too late.

Brad closed the door and walked down the stairs with lloyd.

Lloyd just blocked everything out and thought… They were almost free.. Free from it all. But they couldn’t have it. They can’t die apparently. Damn. Destiny really doesn't want Lloyd to die.

Fuck.