Life Tip #51

Life Tip #51

with dooms week nearing every student, it becomes more and more important to recommend ways of procrastinating that make it f e e l like you’re doing something productive!

watch award-winning documentaries eith oscars that you can vaguely connect to your final essay even though the two topics are completely unrelated and you are trying to convince your teacher you’re educated through abstraction of the fifth dimension

make a plan to study!! and a plan to make your plan!! and then a plan with friends to study!! and then not actually end up studying because none of your friends replied on the groupchat

learn to cook a new recipe! even if you don’t pass your exam, at least you can eat your green bean casserole that you added extra virgin olive oil to and cry!!

find a sugar daddy! since you’re going to inevitably fail, it makes sense to set up a financial plan for the future anyway.

pack your bags and journey off on a romantic and dramatized pursuit of happiness through an obscure town with 1000 residents or less and then write a best-selling novel about it when you’re done, mocking a capitalistic and classist society!!

build a castle out of raisins, become a meme sensation, wind up on ellen, and be gifted with a lifetime supply of raisins that aid you in your quest for power

handwrite every word in your textbook onto a canvas and pass it off a surrealism to a doubtful art collector

create a youtube channel dedicated to filming dogs walking and call it stress relief

Life Tip #57

a sample list of things to do to feel a little more alive

buy brownie mix from the store. follow the directions on the back. when the brownies are almost cooked, dump an entire bag of mini marshmallows onto the top so that it forms a gooey layer. allow it to sit in the oven long enough for you to doubt whether it’ll actually be good or not. eat it. wonder why you’ve ever doubted yourself or the marshmallows.

go to the store. purchase a small packet of every single flavor of kool-aid available. pour them into a cup. mix in water. stir. create the ultimate kool-aid flavor. drink. ask yourself why you take advice from the internet. drink more. drink water to get rid of the taste. realize water now tastes like kool-aid. understand the consequences of your actions by enduring the week long torture of not having taste buds. only kool-aid.

paint a self-portrait with finger paints from the dollar store. do it on a tri-fold poster board. laugh at the shortcomings of the public education system. give yourself fangs because you’ve always wanted them. add a little party hat. you’re not sure what you’re celebrating but it feels nice to celebrate. 

take a piece of chalk and walk around the neighborhood drawing smiley faces so small that you’d have to be looking for them to find them. admire the funky little gnome in your neighbor’s yard. give them a name. walk another block and draw a dick. it’s not funny but laugh, just so you remember what your laugh sounds like. 

head out to the nearest park or field. scan for dog poop. lay down (preferably not in the dog poop). stare up at the sky. close your eyes because the sky becomes boring. imagine what color you would’ve made the sky if you could choose. open them. the sky’s still blue but it’s nice to pretend.

make a love potion. pour drinking water into a cup and realize you’re actually quite thirsty. drink the water. come to the conclusion that you should take care of yourself more often. fall in love with yourself.

Life Tip #56

a handy list for referring to a “penis” in a story using different synonyms and what the connotations are:

penis - simple, basic (but not overused). a respectable word, probably used in medical contexts or by a very beginner fanfiction author who just discovered what a smut was and is still highly uncomfortable with the idea of “bad words.” sometimes dropped in by more experienced authors who just need a break from typing out “dick” all the time.

dick (richard) - most common usage, mainly because if you write dick, you’re writing either a smut or crack fic--sometimes both (probably both). familiar enough to be glanced over without a second thought. only a 12 year-old would truly be alarmed by this word but otherwise, your audience won’t be fazed. do not suddenly change from penis to dick or else your readers will be completely caught off guard. if you’re gonna use dick, start with it. 

cock - less common than dick, but otherwise, mostly the same as dick, except this one has the potential for a lot of rooster puns. dropped a lot in dirty talk, so use this for dialogue. always strange to see this in any other context. (ex. His cock was his crown glory, a lengthy spear which he used to stifle sexual cravings.) on the other hand, do it, that reads amazingly.

groin - if you use groin, you’re either writing it from the perspective of a respectable “well to do” protagonist or your audience is a bunch of young teenagers. highly doubtful that this would be used in any sexual context. your character probably just kneed somebody in the balls.

phallus - okay first of all lmAO, cannot picture anybody using this seriously, even though this is the word you’re supposed to use seriously. like imagine somebody asking, “you wanna suck my phallus, baby? you want it?” that fucking kills me. anyways, if you want to look like a victorian age romanticist, use phallus, be my guest. this is the kind of word your parents use when you first asked how babies are made because they didn’t want to expose your ears to hearing “penis”

joystick - whoever decided to refer to their dick as a joystick is my hero. genuinely one of the funniest mental images i have ever had to associate with a penis. i mean technically speaking, i guess it is a stick(?) and if it brings you joy then good for you !! keep doing you, you funky gamer frat boy

dong, schlong - listen,,, what the fUCK. saying this just makes it sound like your penis is some kind of sentient being, or like a miniature pet you keep tucked inside your pants. “scuse me ma’am, my dong needs to pee” god what even

weenie - you are a kindergartner teacher. that’s it. there is no other permitted context in which you are allowed to describe a penis as a weenie.

willie, willy - h u h ?? this is really a thing? people really just walk around calling their dick a willy? ain’t that a name?? i’m so sorry williams who live in britain (which is like all of you), you guys must’ve been the brunt of too many jokes in secondary school

winkle - yah, so the british are fucked up and if you say this in front of me, i will never be able to take you seriously again.

member - i know that for most people, this takes on the same/similar connotations as dick and cock do, but i just ?? why does there seem to be like a kink for making your dick seem like a separate being of its own,,, why, why is that a thing

Life Tip #65

make out with your partner while in quarantine...ahaha jk...no really jk, we have to practice social distancing for public health bro

Life Tip #61

as the jolly season of Christmas music rounds us, remember to stock yourself with plenty of “bah, humbug!” energy to prepare for the peak of mariah carey’s power.

Life Tip #54

power move: point in random directions while telling stories at a part that doesn’t make sense. watch your audience swivel around in confusion but then lower your hand and continue as if nothing happened.

ex. you: So I was walking my dog— (point at tree behind person)

person: (turns around, sees tree, no dog visible, turns back around) why did you—?

you: (lower hand) and you know, my dog’s a really wild boy, so i’ve been thinking about sending him to a doggy daycare or something, get some tips on how to make him stop peeing on the carpet.