Don't follow the advice here unless you're looking for creative ways to die.
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Lifetipsy - Life Tips(y) - Tumblr Blog
Life Tip #48
entertainment doesn’t save lives but it does save hearts. get out there and show the universe what your creative minds and fervor are made of.
r.i.p. stan lee, the man who carved the pathway for inspiration, hope, and imagination. thank you for making our favorite comic book heroes and for making the heroes of the next generation.
we are human, as well as super.
may the universe treat you well.
Life Tip #47
it’s the official one year anniversary of the truculentlife blog and i’m about to share some of the best advice i can offer!
1. if you’re gonna cheat, you better do it off of someone good. like god, if you’re a dumbass who can’t pass, what makes you think jackson, the sk8ter boy with long hair and no textbook is gonna be any help? you better sit your ass next to phillip who uses six different color highlighters in his notes and reads psych books for fun when testing or else you’re both book stupid and street stupid!
2. throw your phone in a ditch!! actually don’t, but when you have an entire day full of chores, pUT THAT PHONE SOMEWHERE YOU’LL BE TOO LAZY TO GET TO!! i literally just put it on the very top of my closet where i can’t reach it at all without getting a stool from another room which is so?? much ?? work?? as much as i love this site, that bitch is a distraction and i become a million times more productive without it!! imagine,,, getting rid of your distractions to get shit done? amazing.
3. if you wrap yourself up in three million blankets, you might be able to pretend it’s the heat of the warmth and love of the universe, though i suppose that’s really hard to imagine. universe, why are you so mean.
4. use hAPPY PLAYLISTS TO GET YOURSELF HYPED IN THE MORNING!! if you aren’t blasting “eye of the tiger” and that one really peppy song from trolls at five a.m. are you even living correctly??
5. cover your entire mirror in sticky notes talking about how amazing you are!! that’s right bitch, you’re fUCKING FANTASTIC! and those flaws? welp, can’t see them because you covered the entire damn mirror in sticky notes, too bad
Life Tip #46
assert your dominance by slamming your bare face into a fresh pile of snow with no context or explanation. if i saw somebody do that from outta nowhere, i wouldn’t know what the hell was going on but damn does that radiate bde
Life Tip #45
always teased for being short? start calling tall people names like “squirt” and “short-stack” ! not only will it catch them off guard, they’ll probably try to defend themselves only to be shot down again! let them feel the revenge of the under 5′2s !!
“wait, i’m above average, you can’t call me that”
“whatever you say, pipsqueak”
Life Tip #44
want halloween to stay all year long? decorate your house by dumping buckets of orange and black glitter on it bc that stuff isn’t coming off :’) ever
Life Tip #43
with halloween growing closer and closer, it’s time to pull out the list of amazing fun-filled family-friendly classic halloween movies! choose from titles such as:
1. the nightmare before christmas - the heartwarming story of a guy who stepped out of his comfort zone and ruined everything! truly inspiring!
2. mickey mouse’s house of villains - classic disney villains learn that if at first you don’t succeed, try again! and fail again!
3. it’s the great pumpkin, charlie brown - heartbreaking! a kid reserves a seat for a giant pumpkin and he fails to show up. you hate to see this kind of thing.
4. hocus pocus - trying to impress your crush goes terribly wrong. a big fucking mood.
Life Tip #42
a comprehensive list of people that everybody should fear!
people who bite into popsicles immediately after they take them out of the freezer
people who eat soft grapes without hesitation
people who drink orange juice immediately after brushing their teeth
anyone who willingly wakes up at five in the morning in A GOOD MOOD
people who reach straight into an oven without an oven mitt and don’t even flinch when the tray makes contact with their bARE ASS SKIN
anyone who can put their hair up in a perfect ponytail in 20 seconds or less without using a mirror bc they are witches. all of them.
literally anybody who wears a strapless bra bc those are brave ppl who are not afraid to fuck !! you !! up !!
anybody who can draw a straight line without a ruler
anybody who can draw perfect circles with one go bc they are the evolved version of the straight line and probably have an iq of 500 and a burning desire to destroy the world
people who have more than five phone numbers memorized in this day and age, like honestly i don’t even remember if i ate breakfast today what the fuckkkk
people who let you scroll through their camera roll without standing over your shoulder and panicking, they have either nothing to hide or nothing to fear and idk which one’s worse
anybody with the courage to read 50 shades of grey in public, level of apathy is 1000000
people who jump immediately into a pool without dipping their toes in first
arrogant first chair violinists who do the “tch tch” thing all the time and are probably plotting the entire orchestra’s demise
anybody who has ever worked in retail and survived bc they have already been in the seventh level of hell and told it “thank you for shopping with us today!”
people who wing recipes, like are you sure you’re not a horcrux of gordon ramsey’s soul
incredibly successful couponers. could probably buy their way into heaven with a 50% off all their sins coupon that expires in a day.
croc wearers. sock and sandal wearers. people who wear socks and crocs. no explanation needed
anybody who eats a kit-kat without breaking it in half
google phone users. they are far beyond what our tiny human brains could ever comprehend
teachers who can recognize every single one of their students’ handwriting. could probably forge their way into steve job’s bank account and he’s dead
Life Tip #41
let the kids know you ain’t fucking around when you get back to school by dramatically announcing your arrival and once you have their attention, immediately popping in seven and a half sticks of winter mint gum, chewing it for two seconds, and then drinking an entire glass of ice cold water bc you’re the coldest bitch in town
Life Tip #40
an actual life tip!! kiddos if you guys have abusive or restrictive parents and own an iphone that you like to use at night, pls keep yourselves safe by changing to black wallpapers so that the light of your screen is darker and won't get you caught as easily! also, instead of dimming your phone beyond what you can do normally using zoom bc that wastes a lot of battery, put your phone on the normal dimmest setting and turn your phone to graycale by going to settings -> general -> accessibility -> grayscale
this makes your phone black and white so bright colors won't hurt your eyes or give you away! pls stay safe out there kiddos
Life Tip #39
never have to worry about figuring out a costume for Halloween again, by dressing in a ghost costume every day of the year, so on Halloween, you can become the greatest costume ever: you!
unless you already are a ghost, in that case, sorry boo
Life Tip #37
always stock up on soap you can store in your bags so that way, if somebody particularly repulsive stands to close to you or tries to talk to you, you can just dump it on them!
pros: they now smell nice, have to find water to wash it off and get away from you, it’s not inconveniencing enough to be charged with assault, and it’s relatively cheap.
cons: ??
Life Tip #36
don’t waste your time trying to create weird concoctions to get old stains out of your carpet when you can just replace the entire floor! seriously, why would you bother spending $5 on dish soap and water when you can spend $5000 to get rid of it? brilliant. fucking brilliant.
Life Tip #35
struggling to unscramble all your problems and get yourself sorted out? well fear no more, because it’s the 21st century and there are multiple websites where you can enter in your problems and it’ll rearrange them for you! ex. procrastinate becomes aristocrate so all i have to do to solve that problem is find a rich person who really likes boxes. i’m a fucking genius :))
Life Tip #34
always pay over the amount required for your purchase so when they give you your change back, you can delude yourself into thinking that they’re handing you free money and be happy :))))
Life Tip #33
learn to wear high heels because not only will you be able to boost your height, but it makes amazing clack clack noises when you walk on solid floors and cute squishy noises when you step on the feet of your enemies!!
Life Tip #32
hand out pot so you can weed out the weak
Life Tip #31
does your teacher want you to turn in notecards on top of everything else you have to do? get back at them by fucking bLINDING THEM WITH THE BRIGHTEST NEON SHIT YOU GOT! YOU WANNA SEE MY DEFINITION OF AGRIBUSINESS? IT’S ON A TRAFFIC CONE, HOPE YOU ENJOY HELL
Life Tip #30
trying to confront somebody about something they’ve done? walk up to them and unwrap a frozen popsicle. bite into it immediately for the ultimate intimidation factor!!
Life Tip #29
with Valentine’s Day nearing towards us, it’s time to start saving up to buy yourself an entire box of temporary tattoos because you’re never too old to fall into the scams of corporate marketing!! and since when did you ever have to stop receiving cute gifts anyway, put that entire box of Hello Kitty glitter tattoos on your arm, you gorgeous fucker
Life Tip #28
don’t forget to remind your FBI agent that they need to take care of themselves! make sure they know to get up and move around occasionally while watching your internet history, get some feeling into those legs! it’s not good to be on the computer all the time Brenda, don’t forget to stay hydrated!
Life Tip #27
grab a highlighter and draw some of that neon shit on your hand bc you need a reminder that you’re part of the important things too!! gotta highlight the things you don’t want to forget!! :D
Life Tip #26
is someone creepy asking for directions! give it to them! the directions to the nearest ditch. so they can fucking die in it.
Life Tip #25
stay on top of your work by constantly sitting on it. allow your papers to grovel in fear underneath you. show them who is their overlord.