Life Tip #66

Life Tip #66

if one of your friends starts dating a jolene, simply end the friendship right then and there. dolly parton doesn’t deserve this disrespect. 

Life Tip #53

not tumblr famous? don’t worry. all those popular posts with urls that everyone know have users that are deactivated.

why?

don’t worry. you don’t need to know.

combine them and try eating a tree

Life Tip #49

wHAT UP FOOLS, I’M HERE TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH BETTER YOUR LIFE IS GONNA BE IF YOU THROW YOUR UGLY SENSE OF HUMILIATION OUT THE WINDOW!! sHAME?? tHAT BITCH IS CANCELLED!! y’all are gonna have to step outside and sLAM your face into a fistful of grass!! buy yourself some roses!! bake three trays of brownies so you can give them out like a baking god!! eAT A WHOLE RAW TOMATO! CLIMB A FUCKING TREE! PAINT AN UGLY SELF-PORTRAIT IN WATERCOLOR AND HANG IT INSIDE YOUR BATHROOM!! THROW A KARAOKE PARTY WITHOUT AN OCCASION!!

THERE !! IS !! NO !! SHAME !! IN !! BEING !! HAPPY !!

Life Tip #56

a handy list for referring to a “penis” in a story using different synonyms and what the connotations are:

penis - simple, basic (but not overused). a respectable word, probably used in medical contexts or by a very beginner fanfiction author who just discovered what a smut was and is still highly uncomfortable with the idea of “bad words.” sometimes dropped in by more experienced authors who just need a break from typing out “dick” all the time.

dick (richard) - most common usage, mainly because if you write dick, you’re writing either a smut or crack fic--sometimes both (probably both). familiar enough to be glanced over without a second thought. only a 12 year-old would truly be alarmed by this word but otherwise, your audience won’t be fazed. do not suddenly change from penis to dick or else your readers will be completely caught off guard. if you’re gonna use dick, start with it. 

cock - less common than dick, but otherwise, mostly the same as dick, except this one has the potential for a lot of rooster puns. dropped a lot in dirty talk, so use this for dialogue. always strange to see this in any other context. (ex. His cock was his crown glory, a lengthy spear which he used to stifle sexual cravings.) on the other hand, do it, that reads amazingly.

groin - if you use groin, you’re either writing it from the perspective of a respectable “well to do” protagonist or your audience is a bunch of young teenagers. highly doubtful that this would be used in any sexual context. your character probably just kneed somebody in the balls.

phallus - okay first of all lmAO, cannot picture anybody using this seriously, even though this is the word you’re supposed to use seriously. like imagine somebody asking, “you wanna suck my phallus, baby? you want it?” that fucking kills me. anyways, if you want to look like a victorian age romanticist, use phallus, be my guest. this is the kind of word your parents use when you first asked how babies are made because they didn’t want to expose your ears to hearing “penis”

joystick - whoever decided to refer to their dick as a joystick is my hero. genuinely one of the funniest mental images i have ever had to associate with a penis. i mean technically speaking, i guess it is a stick(?) and if it brings you joy then good for you !! keep doing you, you funky gamer frat boy

dong, schlong - listen,,, what the fUCK. saying this just makes it sound like your penis is some kind of sentient being, or like a miniature pet you keep tucked inside your pants. “scuse me ma’am, my dong needs to pee” god what even

weenie - you are a kindergartner teacher. that’s it. there is no other permitted context in which you are allowed to describe a penis as a weenie.

willie, willy - h u h ?? this is really a thing? people really just walk around calling their dick a willy? ain’t that a name?? i’m so sorry williams who live in britain (which is like all of you), you guys must’ve been the brunt of too many jokes in secondary school

winkle - yah, so the british are fucked up and if you say this in front of me, i will never be able to take you seriously again.

member - i know that for most people, this takes on the same/similar connotations as dick and cock do, but i just ?? why does there seem to be like a kink for making your dick seem like a separate being of its own,,, why, why is that a thing

Life Tip #58

Some good things to remember that you might forget:

No one is guaranteed a second chance but people can change. You as a person are perfectly capable of evolving and adapting. You will always have the option to become better.

Don’t microwave marshmallows for longer than twenty seconds. It’s tempting but don’t.

It’s okay to have wanted something and not get it. You don’t need to use hindsight bias in every situation. (ex. Getting a bad grade on the test and being like “oh, I didn’t even really try anyway.”) You don’t have to make every shot you take.

If you have bad food in the house, you will eat the bad food. Eliminate the temptation entirely by having a set grocery list when you go to the store and try crossing out processed foods to the best of your ability! Your body is gorgeous and I want you to take care of it.

Don’t fucking touch the horsehair on string instrument bows !! Don’t do that !! 

Please please please do not eat the crunchy fall leaves, they are not good for munchies.

Telling somebody about your problems does not make you demanding. You are a human being and your emotions are valid. 

People don’t have to like you. You don’t exist for anybody else, no matter how many times somebody will try to reinforce that idea. 

The parsley comes out of the bottle faster than you expect. Be ready. Do not allow it to dominate.

It’s hard to say “I love you” but it’s good to practice. Tell yourself “I love you” a lot more often than you think you should. Chances are, it’s never going to be too much.

Life Tip #50

instead of thinking it as writing a thesis for your essay, think of it more as spill the tea-sis in order truly blow them away! what’s the ultimate hooker in your gossip article babe?? that’s how you’ll get them