My Friend Just Asked Me Why Im Not Afraid To Risked My Life Because I Earlier I Just Ran Across The Road

My friend just asked me why I’m not afraid to risked my life because I earlier I just ran across the road to get some old lady’s vase that was about to be hit by a car (which I learned later that it’s her late husband’s treasure).

So how do I explain that I’m ready to die at any time? How do I explain that I already write a letter for my friends and family? How do I explain that I’m just too afraid to end my life myself?

My dream

Teacher: What do you want to be in the future?

Friend: A doctor

Friend: An astronaut

Friend: To end world hunger

Me: Dead

Teacher: ....

Everyone: ....

Me: ...preferably anytime soon

Can we talk about psych wards for a sec?

Can we talk about how they’re not padded cells and straight jackets like in the movies? That they’re not full of people screaming? That they’re not this cold gray hell? Wanna know what it’s really like?

It’s wearing PJs all day and nobody giving a fuck about what you look like. It’s encouraging your new friends to get better, that they’re life is worth living and that they’re valued. It’s making friends in a day or two. It’s realizing you’ve got more in common with people than you thought. It’s watching stupid movies when the staff decides we can have a little bit of movie time that night before lights out. Talking in group, not about the scary, soulless monsters in our heads but talking about how to conquer them. We laugh. We joke. We draw and play with playdoh. Celebrate when the cafeteria sends muffins with breakfast instead of gross hospital eggs or boring cereal. The mixed feelings when someone leaves because you’ll miss them but we all hug good bye and wish them luck because they’re okay. They’re okay now. We’ll miss them but dear god you’re so proud when you get to see someone walk out with their bag of belongings and their family. We remember what it’s like to live. Sure we meet with doctors and one on one therapists and discuss safety plans, but it’s not a scary thing. Let me tell you this, when I spent 5 days in a ward summer of 2016 I was terrified. I got there and went straight to my room once they assigned me a place, made my bed with the blankets provided, got a book from the Game Room and hid under the covers and read. I think I still was wearing my hospital issued socks. I knew nothing about my roommates, only their names from the notecards above the door. When they came in for lights out they smiled and introduced themselves and asked why I was here. They saw my shocked face because I didn’t expect anyone to ask me “what’s your story?” Just didn’t see it coming. They told me theirs so I told mine. I became friends with everyone else there. They were all so sweet. Probably not what you’d expect to hear about a bunch of suicidal, depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc. kids but hey, we’re not our fucking illnesses. We all went through hell and we all walked out again, maybe with scars and bad memories, but we came out strong.

We’re just kids. We complained about the food and made each other cheesy motivational posters for their rooms when they got discharged. We painted each other’s nails and reminded everyone of their strengths. We talked about what we’d do once we were home, the unanimous decision was to shower and finally shave our legs since there were no razors allowed on our ward, and eat some real food and go on Tumblr or Instagram or something.

We’re just kids. Honestly, we’re like you. If you find out someone spent time doing inpatient stuff because of their mental illness, don’t you dare judge them for it. Don’t think they’re crazy or psycho. That’s not what we are. What we are are kids who needed to go away for a bit and escape the world in a safe environment. Where people got it. Where they understood. Where we couldn’t hurt ourselves and got a fighting chance to recover.

Destroy the stigma around inpatient treatment. Change the mindset surrounding mental illness.

Keep fighting folks

What is depression like

Depression is like an uninvited guest at a dinner party you didn’t want to be at anyways.

It is disruptive and loud and takes all of the attention away from everything else.

It pushes you around and brings up events from years ago that you would rather have forgotten about.

It is frustrating and annoying to everyone else, but all you can do is ignore it. Hope it goes away. Maybe even pretend it’s not there for a while.

But you can’t do that forever.

Depression is like a crashing wave while you’re still in the water.

You weren’t prepared for it. It came out of no where and now that’s all you can see.

Your mouth is still open and you swallow it down. You choke. You begin to drown.

It is terrifying.

Depression is like being on anesthetic but you’re still awake.

You can’t feel anything. You can’t move for hours. Days. Weeks…

It takes over your whole body and for a while you don’t really care

All you are is tired.

But you’re not allowed to sleep. You just lie awake, unable to do anything but watch in horror as everything you know and love falls apart.

Depression is like a million alarms going off at once.

It is a warning. It’s all you can hear but nobody seems to notice, they’re used to it by now.

The noise consumes you. It eats you alive. You beg for it to stop, but it never does.

Until one day you can’t fight it anymore.

You sink. Like an anchor, you sink to the bottom and you don’t make your way back up again.

You feel as if you can never recover. You feel like an empty shell of the person you used to be.

You are left more broken then ever before, the kind of broken that isn’t quite fixable.

And it’s all because of depression.

Shingeki no utattemita [ 1 2 3 4 ]

a. a. milne || insp.