Remember When You Were Picked For Teams As A Child,and There Was Always That Last Child Who Would Be

Remember when you were picked for teams as a child, and there was always that last child who would be staring at the floor knowing they were going to be last?

That child knew the pain that came from humiliation and loneliness better than they ever should have. Remember that child who spent every lunch time alone in a bathroom stall, or completely changing who they were, to feel accepted into any group they could find?

That child grew up thinking it was normal to be whispered about all day, normal to be pushed into lockers, and normal for people to never be able to love them, and accept them for the way they were.

That child spent the rest of their life trying to heal others, trying to give them love.

And all it did, was leave them empty.

That child was me, and still is. I am now the adult with a broken heart, the adult unsure of finding someone who will love them again. When you have lived your entire life being told you are not good enough, you start to believe it. When you are always that friend willing to go above and beyond for your friend’s happiness, yet they could not care less about you when you are down, you start to believe that’s normal. That child was me, that child will always be me, and I will always have a heart too big for those that don’t deserve it.

Can we talk about psych wards for a sec?

Can we talk about how they’re not padded cells and straight jackets like in the movies? That they’re not full of people screaming? That they’re not this cold gray hell? Wanna know what it’s really like?

It’s wearing PJs all day and nobody giving a fuck about what you look like. It’s encouraging your new friends to get better, that they’re life is worth living and that they’re valued. It’s making friends in a day or two. It’s realizing you’ve got more in common with people than you thought. It’s watching stupid movies when the staff decides we can have a little bit of movie time that night before lights out. Talking in group, not about the scary, soulless monsters in our heads but talking about how to conquer them. We laugh. We joke. We draw and play with playdoh. Celebrate when the cafeteria sends muffins with breakfast instead of gross hospital eggs or boring cereal. The mixed feelings when someone leaves because you’ll miss them but we all hug good bye and wish them luck because they’re okay. They’re okay now. We’ll miss them but dear god you’re so proud when you get to see someone walk out with their bag of belongings and their family. We remember what it’s like to live. Sure we meet with doctors and one on one therapists and discuss safety plans, but it’s not a scary thing. Let me tell you this, when I spent 5 days in a ward summer of 2016 I was terrified. I got there and went straight to my room once they assigned me a place, made my bed with the blankets provided, got a book from the Game Room and hid under the covers and read. I think I still was wearing my hospital issued socks. I knew nothing about my roommates, only their names from the notecards above the door. When they came in for lights out they smiled and introduced themselves and asked why I was here. They saw my shocked face because I didn’t expect anyone to ask me “what’s your story?” Just didn’t see it coming. They told me theirs so I told mine. I became friends with everyone else there. They were all so sweet. Probably not what you’d expect to hear about a bunch of suicidal, depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc. kids but hey, we’re not our fucking illnesses. We all went through hell and we all walked out again, maybe with scars and bad memories, but we came out strong.

We’re just kids. We complained about the food and made each other cheesy motivational posters for their rooms when they got discharged. We painted each other’s nails and reminded everyone of their strengths. We talked about what we’d do once we were home, the unanimous decision was to shower and finally shave our legs since there were no razors allowed on our ward, and eat some real food and go on Tumblr or Instagram or something.

We’re just kids. Honestly, we’re like you. If you find out someone spent time doing inpatient stuff because of their mental illness, don’t you dare judge them for it. Don’t think they’re crazy or psycho. That’s not what we are. What we are are kids who needed to go away for a bit and escape the world in a safe environment. Where people got it. Where they understood. Where we couldn’t hurt ourselves and got a fighting chance to recover.

Destroy the stigma around inpatient treatment. Change the mindset surrounding mental illness.

Keep fighting folks

DISRESPECTFUL AS FUCK

My friend just asked me why I’m not afraid to risked my life because I earlier I just ran across the road to get some old lady’s vase that was about to be hit by a car (which I learned later that it’s her late husband’s treasure).

So how do I explain that I’m ready to die at any time? How do I explain that I already write a letter for my friends and family? How do I explain that I’m just too afraid to end my life myself?

Some Must Watch Yoongi Performance Fancams

In no particular order (Long post warning)

1. 160315 KBS Open Concert Recording: Dope by ARIS 

WHY? Silver Haired Yoongi + Tongue Technology 

2. 151231 Gayo Daejejun: I Need U + Run by It’s Your Day

WHY? Mint Yoongi + Piano + Sleeveless Run

3. 160604 BTS Smart Campaign: Fire by It’s Your Day

WHY? That outfit + Lip bites + Eye Contact

4. 151106 Hope Concert: I Need U by It’s Your Day

WHY? Blonde Yoongi + Iconic look

5.  160723 HYYH in Beijing: Tomorrow by It’s Your Day

WHY? Sweaty blonde Dance God Yoongi

6. 160907 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics Concert: FIRE by MeToo

WHY? Cute, fluffy, extra brown haired Yoongi

7.   150920 All Force One: Cypher 2 & 3 by Real Recognize Real

WHY? Because All Force One was a blessing

8.  151229 SAF: Run by Pop! Suga

WHY? Mint haired iconic look

9.  161027 M Countdown in Jeju: Blood Sweat & Tears by M2

WHY? That look! The day the Jeju winds blessed us!

10.  Wings Tour Japan Edition 2017: First Love - TBS

WHY? Close-up First Love shots

「HANDSOME B☆Y's～ Crazy in Love Enough to Die for You～」GAME RELEASE

The game went online at nnd atsumaru today! LINK

Here I’ll write about how to get started:

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