It's Just Not Right!

It's just not right!

please stop sending wrong signals to me. it'll only make the situation worse. please stop it now while i am still thinking. i don't want to make a sudden action and regret it after. i don't want it to be over between all of us coz i am now used of having you guys around. you're all my friends and i don't want to lose one of you. so please, i am begging you to make it clear to me. stop it if you're not serious. it is not just right...

Yes, i admit i am SELFISH.

I always think of what is best for me. I only care about issues i am involved with. I want everyone's attention on me! I want my family and friends to always notice me. I am SELFISH. Is that enough? Do you want to know why i am like this? Why i am so SELFISH? Well then why don't you start showing that you really actually love and cares for me... Why don't you try telling me i am important to you... Why don't you say you're proud of me... Why don't you stop expecting me to be the perfect?? Should i stop being SELFISH? Let me ask you something... When will you start recognizing my little sacrifices? When will you be honest to me? When will you tell me i am enough for you and you don't expect me to be the best? When am I going to gain self confidence? Or how am i going to believe in myself when i don't even feel my importance because of you... Am i asking for too much? Am i not allowed to be like this? Should i blame it all to myself? I don't think so. Why? Cause you made me be like this. Yes, i hafta blame it you too. I need you to know what i really feel. You will never know the real me unless you start understanding my feelings... I just want you to acknowledge me, to love me, to tell me you are proud of me... And to be honest with you, until now i still don't feel it. You still don't understand me. You still don't know the real me... Now, tell me again why i should stop being SELFISH...

don't give up.

ottoke??? my sleeping heart was awakened by the drama i was watching awhile ago... i didn't even realized i haven't felt the feeling of being in love again for almost 3 years until i saw the scene where the girl said she doesn't like the boy anymore and then she said it'll take awhile but she will try to forget her feelings for this boy... i was like this girl before. i was very impulsive. i act and talk before i think and would always end up crying or hurting. i did a lot of 'stupid' decisions when it comes to the boys i liked before. i cried bucket of tears because of my unrequited one-sided-love i had before. somehow i dont regret it. maybe coz the feeling that he was just around me before made me smile like an idiot the whole day. i felt like it was the best thing ever until he rejected me (directly or not). i know those boys never liked me back. It was just me having an illusion that he'll soon fall for me as long as i show him how much i care for him and how much i wanted to tell the whole school that i like him. i guess those weren't enough coz he never appreciated my efforts. i was humiliated numerous times by my schoolmates. i was laughed at because i always tried to show in front of everyone how much i like this boy. it hurt me a lot but i guess i deserve it too for being immature and selfish. however, there was this scene in the drama where the boy said to the girl that she should not give up on her feelings for him. that made me think about what would have happened if one of the boys i liked before said this to me too? well is it even possible? truth is all i know it was never an option to them. i was just a nobody and they are so unlucky coz i was the girl who fall for them and not the popular ones. thus, it breaks my heart too until now that i put them into shame once in their school life. i still feel sorry for them. and though i am selfish, i still hope they will forgive me someday... and if i am lucky enough, i wish they'll tell me the reason why they didn't like me back then... so... there was this line from the drama that the boy said, 'about you liking me... don't give up'... it then rang a bell to me. what if... what if i told the boy i like that i am finally letting go of him, will he say the same thing too? coz until now i am doing my best to forget and move on with my lide since most of those boys are havig the time of their life right now... wothout me in the picture. the drama made me wish i can travel back in time and do all those mushy things again but in a more mature way. i wonder if the boy will finally notice me and return my unrequited love... oh why is it so hard to explain this feeling? why do i only experiencr heartaches? when am i going to fall in love with the right guy? i can't wait to find my true love. i won't lose hope and give up without trying my best. i will treasure this person who will show me the meaning of true love as soon as i found him. i promise.

my ASL teacher asked us to write names, letters, shapes & numbers on a piece of paper. She then told us to sign them and let our partner read it. Hahaha i was laughing when my partner's face looked so confused after i signed Onew's name... She was like is there a person named "Onew"??

nightmares...

Wtf is wrong with me? I kept having series of bad dreams lately. Its so scary and it is usually abt me dying or talking to a soul/dead person… This is scaring the shit out of me coz i usually dont get nightmares… I only experience it when i get a fever. And now, i kept having them. Is it coz i am stressed over something? Or is it because i sleep too much and my bed, pillows and blankets are shoving me away? Or is it because it might be a warning that something bad will happen to me?? Oh God! I wish this will stop asap. I wish i have someone to talk to that i can share what i am experiencing rn. Its scaring me srsly. I tried shaking it off my thoughts but now that im abt to sleep, i cant help but wonder why i keep having these bad dreams… Please let me have a good night sleep from now on. I pray to all the fairies in charge when im sleeping to let me have a peaceful and meaningful dreams instead… I dont need another issue in my life. I’ve got a bunch already and i am sick of it. Let me have a good sleep coz thats were i can only get the chill i need to survive in this very challenging life i have rn. Please…

Snape's one true love.

Yeah you can tell that i just watched the final part of the Harry Potter series. And this for me is one ofthe best movies i saw. This part of the series is what i liked the most. It was on the part where Snape’s flashback of his ‘love story’ that caught my attention the most. I wonder if that kind of love does exist?… Where can i find a selfless man like Snape in this lifetime? Do they even exist? Gawd i cant help it but feel sorry for him... but i am also very grateful to him for being such a kind man. He showed what love is. He protected the son of the only woman he loved. That for me is true love. for a man like him, who sacrificed and became selfless even though he doesnt have to. I salute Professor Snape with all my heart. How i wish there are other people like him in this world. I bet our world will have a better future if people like him exists.