It's Just Not Right!

It's just not right!

please stop sending wrong signals to me. it'll only make the situation worse. please stop it now while i am still thinking. i don't want to make a sudden action and regret it after. i don't want it to be over between all of us coz i am now used of having you guys around. you're all my friends and i don't want to lose one of you. so please, i am begging you to make it clear to me. stop it if you're not serious. it is not just right...

nightmares...

Wtf is wrong with me? I kept having series of bad dreams lately. Its so scary and it is usually abt me dying or talking to a soul/dead person… This is scaring the shit out of me coz i usually dont get nightmares… I only experience it when i get a fever. And now, i kept having them. Is it coz i am stressed over something? Or is it because i sleep too much and my bed, pillows and blankets are shoving me away? Or is it because it might be a warning that something bad will happen to me?? Oh God! I wish this will stop asap. I wish i have someone to talk to that i can share what i am experiencing rn. Its scaring me srsly. I tried shaking it off my thoughts but now that im abt to sleep, i cant help but wonder why i keep having these bad dreams… Please let me have a good night sleep from now on. I pray to all the fairies in charge when im sleeping to let me have a peaceful and meaningful dreams instead… I dont need another issue in my life. I’ve got a bunch already and i am sick of it. Let me have a good sleep coz thats were i can only get the chill i need to survive in this very challenging life i have rn. Please…

Paulit-ulit lang??

Gosh anu ba ang gusto mong iparating sa akin talaga?? You were there again. I was being the stupid me again. I was crying... begging for your love as usual. I was hurting. I was hugging you, asking the same question over and over again... "Why cant it be me? Why?"... I know its impossible for you to even notice me but why do you keep on coming back in my 'place'?! Why do you keep confusing me with my feelings?! We both know that it will end up just like before. And in that moment... I saw myself crying again coz just like before... you said you cant love me. You told me i cant be the one for you. I am tired. I dont want to see this happening again. I dont want to let a single tear fall just because you hurt me again. This should end now... But i dont know how... I am not ready yet. But i feel like it should happen... I'll make sure it will happen. Sooner or later i'll end up accepting it anyways... It'll hurt but i'll get used to it. I know for sure you dont even care. And its not an issue to you at all... All im asking is to know the truth from you personally. When will that time come?? Idk when exactly. But i'll try to be prepared. When am i going to have the courage to 'talk' to you again?? I hafta end this.

Bakit sa panaginip lang?

I woke up from a dream because the phone was ringing. It was awful coz i wanted to see what happens next in my dream... I tried so hard to sleep again and hoping that the dream will continue it's story... but it didn't... Here's what happen in my dream. I was sitting in a sidewalk watching a flower parade... like the one's in Pasadena. I remember i was with my high school friends and we were all wearing our school uniform. We were asked to move from our seats and up into the stadium. From there, everything seems a blur except for the scene that i am smiling brightly to Jellyeiz. People around me were so noisy and they were teasing me. I was laughing so hard until i noticed BKM. he was just a few seats down from my row. Idk why but my friend and i started talking abt Bill and i was like denying that i like him. I kept mentioning his name until i felt like someone moved next to me. I opened my eyes and saw BKM sitting next to me. I felt like my heart jumped out of my chest... It feels so real. Just like how i want it to happen in real life... I was gonna ask him something but unfortunately the phone started ringing and that is how the dream ended.... I wonder why those two suddenly appeared in my dream again... Is it my subconcious mind reminding me that i kinda missed them? Or was it just the fact that i kept seeing and hearing their names and tho i try my best to forget abt them and stop associating them with everything around me, i just can't?

does it have to be this hard?

i mean i know this is nothing compared to other people's problems but damn i am so near to quiting coz i am not sure anymore if i still want this... i always thought of myself being the great one but come to think of it, i am not. i always tend to ran away from the challenges i have to face in life. i am a coward. i always choose the easy path. scared to try some risks. scared to fail. whatta scaredy cat! and now, here i ama again. trying my best to escape. whining and whining all day. i bet these people around me are sick of it already. i bet they wanna shove some papers in my face just so i won't be able to talk and whine. sorry guys... it's just that i don't wanna be a failure. i wanna be seen by other people as a strong woman. i wanna earn some respect from them. i guess it'll end up again just like the usual. me running away from it. unless, you're willing to be by my side and lemme feel that you sincerely actually care about me and that you'll help me overcome this ruckus. ah why am i like this? always a dependent girl... can't make her own decisions. can't protect her own happiness, needs and wants... JIA YOU KC!!! JIA YOU!!!

Snape's one true love.

Yeah you can tell that i just watched the final part of the Harry Potter series. And this for me is one ofthe best movies i saw. This part of the series is what i liked the most. It was on the part where Snape’s flashback of his ‘love story’ that caught my attention the most. I wonder if that kind of love does exist?… Where can i find a selfless man like Snape in this lifetime? Do they even exist? Gawd i cant help it but feel sorry for him... but i am also very grateful to him for being such a kind man. He showed what love is. He protected the son of the only woman he loved. That for me is true love. for a man like him, who sacrificed and became selfless even though he doesnt have to. I salute Professor Snape with all my heart. How i wish there are other people like him in this world. I bet our world will have a better future if people like him exists.