Outside Looking In.

Outside looking in.

A woman at work confided in me that her daughter is in an abusive relationship.  She’s telling me all of the things that I don’t want to hear myself:

 “She knows better,”  

“ I don’t get it, why won’t she listen” 

“Why would she be with someone who called her a cunt?”

She kicked her daughter out of the house in an attempt to make her ‘wake up.’  While I think this was the wrong decision, I can tell that she loves her daughter very much and is just at her wit’s end.

I know that people like me are difficult to love. I also know that loving me takes a toll on the people who do. 

I had no words of comfort or advice to ease her mind.

Let's lighten the mood a bit.

I'm sorry for that last one. It's been in my mental queue for months and needed to come out. It also provides context for things I've written and will write. I'm sorry all the same. If I neglected to tag something please let me know.

I first received a note on that post this morning when i woke up. Someone liked it, to my surprise, and it wasn't a name I recognized. So I investigated and I've been laughing incredulously at what I've found all day:

The sister.

Trigger Warning: vague reference to  sexual assault and referring to assailant by title. Slut shaming.

My ex and I resumed dating a few weeks after I was assaulted. I was eager to put what had happened to me at the back of my mind, so I dove right back in without hesitation.

We were out one night at one of our regular haunts located in the heart of nightlife hub in my city.  He stepped out at some point for a smoke and I went out with him to keep him company.

I saw an entourage of women coming down the street led by none other than Rapist’s sister. I screamed on the inside and then went dead.  I couldn’t move, like my feet were cemented in place. She was also with a woman I recognized from school.  I knew her name, but I didn’t know anything else about her. 

Well, apparently she knew a few things about me.

She stopped as they were walking by and said to my ex “You know you’re dating a slut, right?”

His response was “Oh yeah?” And he looked at me suspiciously. The girls, including Rapist’s sister, laughed at his reaction and likely how I was standing there dumbfounded.  They moved onward toward where ever they were headed.

I was stupid enough to hope that he would have said something soothing in that moment.

“A slut, hmm?  I always wondered what you were doing those nights when you didn’t answer your phone.” He threw his cigarette butt at me then walked back into the bar.  I was still cemented in place.

I did manage to talk my way out of it.  The girl who was vocal was not classically attractive, and I, embarrassingly, used that to my advantage (”She’s jealous” “She wasn’t well-liked at school” etc).  So things moved on. 

I’ll admit that this event was nearly as traumatic as the assault itself. 

Interesting things I figured out later from social media:

1. The woman who called me a slut appeared to be attracted to Rapist and must have been jealous he’d paid me attention. 2. Rapist’s sister became a social worker.  She apparently did work on sex trafficking and sexual assault.  Oh the irony. 3. There is at least one other woman that he did this to who received similar treatment by his sister.

Interesting subsequent event:

I’ve seen the woman who called me a slut recently.  She lives in my neighbourhood.  We were each walking toward one another, she with her multiple kids, me on my own.  

At one time I would have dropped my head and avoided her.  Not this time.  I looked right at her, and she was the one who avoided my gaze.

I never would, especially in front of her kids, but I could have easily gotten revenge.  I could tell that she was well aware of that. 

I wonder know exactly how she felt being the vulnerable one.

Flashbacks

But not the kind you expect.

Where one minute I'm laughing at some stupid thing on my phone and then I see his face. He's looking at me the way he does when he's made me laugh so hard I can't breathe. In that second i see all the love; it's real and I am vindicated. I forgive him for calling me a cunt yesterday. This feels like happiness, I think.

All I want is to go back there. To that moment. Instead I'm sitting here slumped over my steering wheel.

Her point:  His opinion of me is still in my head and dictating.

Me: I ruined my mother's birthday. I completely lost it on my brother, I'm the worst actually, and caused a scene in a restaurant.

Therapist: What happened?

Me: *explains how a local club does not allow women to be on their board of directors or have a vote regarding how the organization (and a shitload of their own money is spent) is run.*

Therapist: This is a reasonable thing to be angry about. How did this affect your behaviour?

Me: My brother defended the decision stating we lived in a democracy and they could do whatever they wanted. I challenged this - can a business dictate who they serve and don't serve based on skin colour or religion? How about sexual orientation? Gender-identity? Which my sister in law (who I feel particularly betrayed by) dismissed as "semantics" *EYE ROLL*

Therapist: So this got heated.

Me: Yeah. My brother said this was the same thing as businesses that run a women only. I said it wasn't at all, and he dismissed me. I lost it.

Therapist: What did you do?

Me: I yelled "YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF EVERYTHING!"

Therapist: ... so you called him stupid in a polite way?

Me: ...

Therapist: When he was saying something stupid.

Me: ...

Therapist: And this is you being "the worst"?

Me: ... well, I yelled. In public. On my mom's birthday.

Therapist: ... OK. Maybe not your most shining moment but if this is what you consider "the worst" I feel like you might be shocked by the things that happen when my family gets together...