Healing In A Nutshell

Healing in a nutshell

Consistently trying to resolve completely contradictory feelings and convincing myself amid my confusion and misery that it's ok to feel this way.

How much easier it would all be if he was just a monster.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept about abusers/toxic relationships is that these people care(d) about you, or at least thought they did.

It’s easy to think of stereotypical ‘abusers’ as these Big Bad Monsters who have no regard for your wellbeing. It’s easy but it isn’t always true.

They may well be like that, but they might also be that one person from school who always texts to make sure you’re okay. They might be the family member that tries to cheer you up. They might be the friend you’ve had for as long as you can remember. There is no template for abuse and there is no template for abusers, everyone experiences it differently.

No matter how much these people care about you or love you, if they are abusing you it is absolutely okay to cut them out of your life. You don’t owe them anything because of how they might feel about you.

His racism was the source of so many of our fights. It led to an outburst of violence at least once. At the time I chastised myself for not keeping my mouth shut; I could let so much else go without a word. But not the nonsensical bile he spewed at the world's current favourite scapegoat

Now I feel a little proud for not backing down. I lost a lot of myself throughout all of this, but not everything.

I learned to keep house impeccably. Not only to keep you from becoming agitated, but also to keep my mind and hands occupied on simple, mind numbing yet mildly satisfying tasks.

Busy hands do not shake, and a busy mind does not dwell on that bruise on my shoulder from last night.

He unblocks me to send me snide comments and then blocks me before I can respond. He doesn’t realize that I don’t respond at all anymore.  And shortly I will be blocking him - when I gather up the nerve.

Um.

What they don't tell you about the grief stages is that they aren't a linear progression. They kind of splatter all over the place.

Today I saw a bit of rage - I got in a screaming "Fuck You" match with someone over a parking space. I think if she had come near me I would have stabbed her with the pen in my pocket.

I am certain this goes without saying, but it wasn't about the parking spot. * Insert cringing emoji here *