Um.

Um.

What they don't tell you about the grief stages is that they aren't a linear progression. They kind of splatter all over the place.

Today I saw a bit of rage - I got in a screaming "Fuck You" match with someone over a parking space. I think if she had come near me I would have stabbed her with the pen in my pocket.

I am certain this goes without saying, but it wasn't about the parking spot. * Insert cringing emoji here *

A particularly troubling symptom at this juncture

I had a nice Christmas with my mother’s side of the family. Good food and everyone was very sweet to one another.  We played cards, and laughed.  It’s was lovely. I didn’t think about him for a moment.

And now I feel awful.  I can’t really explain why. 

I expect the flashbacks, the triggers, and the horrible memories.  I expect to feel bad when it makes sense to feel bad. 

Why does the good have to be ruined too? 

His racism was the source of so many of our fights. It led to an outburst of violence at least once. At the time I chastised myself for not keeping my mouth shut; I could let so much else go without a word. But not the nonsensical bile he spewed at the world's current favourite scapegoat

Now I feel a little proud for not backing down. I lost a lot of myself throughout all of this, but not everything.

"What? You think John* hasn't ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I'm the only one who does this?"

* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.

Healing in a nutshell

Consistently trying to resolve completely contradictory feelings and convincing myself amid my confusion and misery that it's ok to feel this way.

He unblocks me to send me snide comments and then blocks me before I can respond. He doesn’t realize that I don’t respond at all anymore.  And shortly I will be blocking him - when I gather up the nerve.