Inheritance

Inheritance

My eldest brother has a substance abuse problem. A few years ago my parents had to bail him out of a huge financial hole he dug for himself and his wife.

My dad was furious. FURIOUS. Contemplating-going-to-the-lawyer-to-change-the-will kind of furious.

I am not a fan of my brother, but I talked my dad down anyway. Dad was angry, and that's a terrible time to make big financial decisions. 

When I informed him that Dad was considering taking my brother out of the will and I had talked him out of it, he was so angry with me. "You just fucked yourself. You fucked us!"

He wasn't a fan of my brother either, but he just thought he was a bit of a dope. He didn't really know/register my dislike for him or the reasons for it. So he just wanted me to sell my brother up the creek so I'd get a part of his inheritance. And by "I" we know I mean "we" which we know means "he."

He makes me so sick.

I had homemade cherry ice cream today in a waffle cone. He can shove it.

In October, he told me that he hoped I never let myself slip into the notion that I deserved to treat myself.

You have a beautiful soul!

I think we are trained to see the worst in ourselves, so I can only hope that is true.  Thank you for being so generous and taking the time to message me.  Some days are worse than others and today was difficult.  Seeing your message made it a little brighter. Kindness never ceases to overwhelm me :)   Keep being wonderful.

I have received far too many positive, sweet messages recently and I am compelled to remind you all that I am far from blameless. 

Full disclosure.

I cheated. Yes, I’m one of those horrible people.

And not just once. It was systematic. It spanned years, and with multiple people. I was trying to heal myself, give myself a moment of reprieve, find that light heartedness that makes life manageable.

What it actually did was cause further destruction to my self worth. And I handed him a weapon and an excuse that he used to torture me further for another two years.

My actions are inexcusable. I have no one to blame for them but myself. I have been wrought at the idea that I have inflicted pain. It is done and cannot be undone. I can only be better moving forward.

This hurt.

Trigger warning: Breakfast

It kinda hit in an instant.

When you finally start getting angry about what happened to you