This Hurt.

This hurt.

Trigger warning: Breakfast

Speaking of cutting it off...

The man I was referring to in my second to last post was insufferable in general.  However the last part was particularly triggering with the “cutting it off” thing

One time, he went into the bathroom with two knives after threatening to cut his penis off.  

You see, in the correspondence he read between me and the men I cheated with, I "got back” at him by saying rude things about him.  I was angry, hurt, feeling helpless, and I got some juvenile satisfaction out of trashing his “manhood”.  I said he was small and that he didn’t satisfy me.  In reality, he was quite average and he didn’t satisfy me, but that had nothing to do with his hardware.

I felt I was the cause of all this distress (and he, of course, reinforced this later).  He’d also threatened to kill himself.  What I didn’t seem to qualify is that he’d also threatened to maim and kill me that day.

Even knowing he could turn those knives on me, and that I would be in close quarters with someone who was in the mindset of cutting off a part of his body, I ran into that room screaming.  I think I slipped and fell on the way in, but I managed to get in before he could block me out.

I talked him into handing the knives over to me, but only after being berated for screaming (didn’t I know the neighbours might hear?), and threatened to be gutted a few times -  verbally and with violent, threatening gestures.

Remembering this has made my whole body shudder and quake.  I wonder at my luck, sometimes; how on earth did I survive this man?

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You have a beautiful soul!

I think we are trained to see the worst in ourselves, so I can only hope that is true.  Thank you for being so generous and taking the time to message me.  Some days are worse than others and today was difficult.  Seeing your message made it a little brighter. Kindness never ceases to overwhelm me :)   Keep being wonderful.

stop giving men so many allowances. if he’s cheating on his girlfriend w you and promising time after time that he’ll end it one day, he doesn’t respect you. if he likes you and another girl but can’t decide who he wants and he’s stringing you both along, he doesn’t value you. if you’re giving him orgasms day after day and he doesn’t attempt to return even half the favor, he’s wasting your time. it’s such a red flag when you talk to your friends about someone and have to explain their behavior w excuses. sometimes things really are as simple as they seem. if from the outside it looks like he doesn’t care, then he doesn’t care

It has been 32 weeks no contact today.

Hey look, I did a thing.... NTAMW…

Never trust a man who insists on punishing you for your crimes, real or imagined, with sex acts.