Consideringempty - Gloomy Vegetarian - Tumblr Blog
I've been thinking about suicide a lot recently, like how to go about it realistically. and... the hurting in my chest is so real. so real. I keep telling myself that my tentative 2020 resolution is to..................... yeah. is to end it for real. in my head for the whole of December I had been making a list of things that need to be done before- sort of all the things to get in order before I go.
like washing all my laundry and putting it away neatly, making sure the cats have clean water and litter box, straighting the room and making the bed. I keep promising myself that these things have to be in order before I go- for the people I'm leaving behind. but those house keeping items are never all done at once, probably because I'm putting off death.
the real problem is that the list also includes things I can get done. and I've finally started. I went out and bought a flash drive and moved all the files from the family computer on to it. deleted everything from that PC. I actually did it. I only have a few things left to do on this fucking list. sort through all my old notebooks. throw out all my seasonal clothing. delete all the misc accounts I have spread around the web. remove any of my belongings just sort of floating around the house.
but the thing is, I've started to do these permanent things. deleting files and throwing out belongings are permanent. what will I do when I finish? I've been promising to kill myself when it's all done. what do I do when that time comes?
no one else knows this. a single person knows I have suicidal thoughts, but I laughed about it and explained it was completely mental. that I would never actually be able to do it. they probably didn't even realize what I mean when I expressed that feeling. but I mean, they've never been depressed so...
I don't know.
I guess I might just fullfil a new years resolution for once in my life.
it'll sure be ironic if it's the last one.
nothing lasts and people don't stay.
how is it possible to hate myself this much?
I'm so desperately unhappy and nothing helps.
I am completely and utterly unhappy.
no, I don't always eat broccoli.
barbeque tofu and rice but there's an egg so it's not vegan
🍚
427 calories
28 protein
47 carbs
wow look what I found.
it's not going.
thursday's dinner
more pasta legumes broccoli 👌
.
782 calories
36 protein
111 carbs
ah to be in love.
it sucks.
-vegetarian dinner-
eggs, tofu, broccoli, vegan kimchi
+
sprouted wheat english muffin, butter
🔥
823 calories
62 protein
34 carbs
I went.
I was useless.
and I left again.
I'm sorry for being sad.
I really wish I could go back and do things better.
I'm unhappy in every facet of my life.
what would the world do without me?
keep on moving right along.
mcfreakn no thank you
to: all my relationships
I'm the problem, sorry for sucking
sincerely, that friend you secretly dislike and hate being around
my emotions aren't in the least bit valid.
I'm such a garbage person.
you wouldn't believe it! but if you stall long enough you won't get anything done.
👌 can't wait for class.
I'm feeling down and just need someone to cheer me up.
you ever have a really sucky day where nothing goes right and you don't get anything done and you can't stop being sad? those really suck.