Wow Look What I Found.

wow look what I found.

it's not going.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot recently, like how to go about it realistically. and... the hurting in my chest is so real. so real. I keep telling myself that my tentative 2020 resolution is to..................... yeah. is to end it for real. in my head for the whole of December I had been making a list of things that need to be done before- sort of all the things to get in order before I go.

like washing all my laundry and putting it away neatly, making sure the cats have clean water and litter box, straighting the room and making the bed. I keep promising myself that these things have to be in order before I go- for the people I'm leaving behind. but those house keeping items are never all done at once, probably because I'm putting off death.

the real problem is that the list also includes things I can get done. and I've finally started. I went out and bought a flash drive and moved all the files from the family computer on to it. deleted everything from that PC. I actually did it. I only have a few things left to do on this fucking list. sort through all my old notebooks. throw out all my seasonal clothing. delete all the misc accounts I have spread around the web. remove any of my belongings just sort of floating around the house.

but the thing is, I've started to do these permanent things. deleting files and throwing out belongings are permanent. what will I do when I finish? I've been promising to kill myself when it's all done. what do I do when that time comes?

no one else knows this. a single person knows I have suicidal thoughts, but I laughed about it and explained it was completely mental. that I would never actually be able to do it. they probably didn't even realize what I mean when I expressed that feeling. but I mean, they've never been depressed so...

I don't know.

I guess I might just fullfil a new years resolution for once in my life.

it'll sure be ironic if it's the last one.

you wouldn't believe it! but if you stall long enough you won't get anything done.

👌 can't wait for class.

I am completely and utterly unhappy.

to: all my relationships

I'm the problem, sorry for sucking

sincerely, that friend you secretly dislike and hate being around

I'm such a garbage person.