Crumpled Up On The Floor Of The Shower

Crumpled up on the floor of the shower

Hope the neighbors aren't home

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Like the photographs hung up

Of tangled up bodies

On my old kitchen floor

The faces come flooding in

Soak up the reasons why

We're not that close anymore

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

AND I JUST

BLACK OUT

IT'S WHAT I DO

TO SURVIVE

LIFE'S GOT TWO

YELLOW LINES

AND I FELL ASLEEP

DRIVING

Your heart screams the words

Your mouth finds their shape

"I'm not gonna die here"

The glass cuts your feet

As you walk away

The picture gets clearer

It's a house up in flames

And you built your own cage

Just so no one could hurt you

If there's nothing to lose

There's nothing to gain

That's just something you learn through.

Thanks 🖤

A little reminder that the "scary" neurodivergents belong in the community too. The ones with intrusive thoughts. The ones who seem self-centered.

The people with ocd, bpd, npd. Stuff like that. They belong here too.

I headcanon that Nikolai Gogol suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has an uncanny obsession with freeing himself from his emotions and essentially separating himself from humanity. It makes sense to me that this obsession would come from a place of feeling his emotions far too strongly for far too long; controlled entirely by overwhelming fear and sadness and mania and panic. Nikolai seeks to strip himself of humanity in desperate hopes that he'll be able to FINALLY get off his rollercoaster and feel remotely stable for the first time in his life... and I think it's quite possible that he, being so different, never felt human to begin with. (I don't kin Nikolai to a concerning degree, you do 😂)

Isn't it funny how the whole concept of the punk rock movement was to escape stereotypes and labels and to promote the inclusivity of all people and the lovely things that make them different?

Yet, in the process... they labeled themselves, afflicted themselves with one of the most crippling stereotypes and became one of the most non inclusive and gatekeeping groups of all time. Most punk rockers spend more time debating what the definition of "punk" is, and kicking those out of the scene who don't fit their own personal definition, than they do actually chasing their own ideals.

And it's sad. I love the punk rock movement in concept... but the reality is very different.

In my studies and observations, I feel that punk was never about fighting for one specific thing. Punk was about radical individuality and accepting yourself the way you are. It was about fighting the system. It was about bonding together over music and fashion and culture so tightly that they could never break us apart. Yes, punk is a political movement, but it's not just about ONE political belief. It wasn't about what you believed but rather HOW you believed it.

The Ramones and the Sex Pistols were both right wing bands. The Clash was left wing. There's videos of punks from the eighties, the OGs, talking about being conservative and fighting for right wing politics. And in actuality, the whole idea was built on Anarchy anyway, not this dividing, ostracizing, black and white mindset that modern day American politics uses to turn us against each other and make us weak.

Are you fighting for what you believe in? Are you out there being bold and raising hell and never compromising or selling out? Fighting for the greater good of humanity, whatever that is to you? That's punk rock to me. Unfortunately, the new generation of punk rockers doesn't see things that way. Which is alright with me, I suppose. The title isn't worth enough to me to argue with my brothers and sisters over it. I'm just here to rock out and throw up the finger at the Man.

I never wanted the labels anyway.

In summary, punk's not dead. Just confused.

I've developed Somniphobia gradually within the past year or so, but it's gotten horribly bad recently. I get sleep paralysis occasionally and night terrors most nights- I have BPD and dream about my worst triggers and life experiences consistently.

Any other Borderline or Somniphobic people have tips? I'm getting pretty exhausted asking people to stay with me and sobbing uncontrollably when they have to leave.