The Truth

The truth

Most of my life

The majority

The public visage

And the internal prayer

Has been a lie.

I can't explain it.

Even for me

I was never able to see.

I live

I acted

I instigated.

Everything I have done

Has been to blend in.

I hate the world.

Not the people

But the system.

The system that I felt bound to

And had me grow up

As some one I am not.

I want my years back.

I want my life back!

All I have are the days before me

And the day I am currently owning.

All I want is to be me.

To be free of the bullshit life he as given me.

I do not want to be someone else

I do not want to be perfect in the eyes of the Lord.

I belong to my own soul

And if God cannot except this

Then fuck God

For God is smaller than me.

I will be damned before I lie!

Before I pretend to

be someone else.

I should say

Continue to pretend

As my life has been a charade

Meant even to deceive me.

Argue

Hate

Damn

I do not give a fuck.

Be what ever life I wish

It doesn't matter to me.

However

You will not be my lord.

You will not be my God.

I live

I breath

And either you damned me from the start

Or you are just as guilt as me.

I am angry

I am sorry

I am filled with unrequited rage!

I bleed tears

I deluge hurt

I am tired of dying

I want to live for once!

Who are you to damn me?

What gives you the right?

Did you even create me?

Have I not written

That I am you?

Are we then to submit

One to the other?

If I am damned then so are you.

If I am saved

Then you are going with me.

Mutually assured destruction;

Salvation is us both.

I will be me

Will you admit to your own soul?

I am tired of trying to make sense of it

I am tired of feeling guilt.

I am who I am

And you are nothing to me.

No one will be my god

No one but me.

I am alive

And I pray

Who answers these prayers

Is between me and them...

Everyday

I need to apologize for my mental health.

I can't do as much as I once could.

Socializing hurts

And it can take days to recover.

Everyone wants a piece of me;

How do you triage love?

.

I am cruel in my silence,

But ignoring is easier

Than having to explain.

Some can't take no for an answer

And I can only hold out for so long

Before my guilt drives me to consent.

So I shield myself

Trying to keep me safe.

When everyday is a battle to stay alive

Is it evil to prioritize me?

- by me, Andrew

The heart wants what the heart wants

When I came here, I was young in my godhood. I danced wildly through the earth, and then I burned up as I crashed through reality. I am always the main recipient of my own words; every lesson for me first of all.

- I wrote this

I am sad

Something feels

Missing...

How do I figure out what?

A lost dream?

A confused fantasy?

I want something more

But I can't define it.

This is the story of my life

The lost child

Aiming to take on God.

No promise of death or life

But the need to question remains the same.

I have never been able to place myself,

And now it has only gotten harder.

I find I am unable to admit

Even to me

What it is that I want.

I have seen everything

Every image of myself

Above and below.

God and the sinner

The devil and the savior.

I have found that righteousness is a point of view

And because of this

Nothing is ever pure.

I broke the law

Spat in its face

Even though

I formed its soul.

These words are nonsensical

I've written long enough to see my own joke.

Still

I can't stop.

Some part of me continues to believe.

I want to be truthful.

I want to stand before myself and not flinch.

My nature has been to run

And this fills me with such guilt.

I once held such lofty ambitions for my soul

But what are these dreams

Given my wickedness?

Pride

Ego

I have worshiped myself

Failing to question my worth.

God is guilty

And I am god.

How far I have come

Since I sat on the Mount.

Writing long poems

Only for myself.

Not oblivious

To my own condescension.

Rambling because I can never tell when to quit.

I live in self hatred;

Dealing

In self doubt.

I wanted all the world to be free

But then aimed for them to be slaves to me.

How do you overcome your own soul?

Your own nature and sprees?

I can't understand it.

I can't even give it a name.

Yet I keep on writing

Crying

As I avoid my own glare.

I hate who I am

Only because it exists in a world with others.

When alone I love myself

Until my own selfishness dawns on me.

I am not all knowing.

I am not perfect.

I am still God

But what does that even mean?

Wrong from the start.

Wicked from my beginning.

A foolish arrogant idiot

Who believes only they know the truth.

All the while evil reigns

Using the same laws

I laid down.

Everything goes up in flames

And I descend through my own guilt.

An unworthty savior

Battling through their own humanity.

Understanding

That people are more worthy of themselves

Than I could ever be.

Figuring out how to exist

After my own decent

I fumble through it all

Stumbling over my own identity.

One day I think I will live,

And it will be after I've laid down my arms.

My own arrogance

My own profered up ego;

My own declared divinity.

It will be beyond my own need be wo shoped;

My own need to be loved by all.

One day I will learn to accept myself

And in that moment

I will be able to understand

How little I actually matter.

The world holds itself accountable.

It doesn't need me.

I was never anything worth thought

And yet I am.

I exist for me.

I am that I am.

I stand before myself

As all of creation stands before its self.

All I want is to live

And for each being to live.

Free of our hate

And free of our need to be right.

Beyond the power or others;

Free from the authority of adjacent souls.

I unbound by antagonistic lives

That obscure our view of infinite dreams.

Eternity is a long time to entertain ourselves

And I cannot be sure where we all are.

If done ever

Who can be sure

All we have is this moment

Ok praying to be alive.

It is more than anyone can actively undertand

Or maybe I am just so small.

All I know is this day to day survival

Battling with hatred and love.

One day I hope for peace

But I cannot be sure.

Faith is a weapon held against those who try

And I am one

Who has yet to figure out how.

So I write long wonder poems

Because I never know when to quit.

This is why death exists

To cut short assholes

Like myself.

I hate my life

And yet I love it.

It exists for me

And I struggle with it.

There is so much injustice I have let slide

Because I was preoccupied with my own aggrendizment.

I failed to see the suffering that exists

While focusing on

The metaphysical of humanity.

I thank you for forgiving me.

For humoring me all the more.

If you pass me over

I understand that too

For it is important to do so.

God never understood the world they created.

It wasn't like them.

I spite of their intentions

Their creation was an accident.

So I am.

A lost soul

Amount lost souls.

A whispering dream

Alone

As each individual is

When facing who they are

Before only themselves

Stretched beyond eternity.

This is my fear

And this is my dream.

My heart can't bear the final words

And so it stretches beyond its own sound advice.

I can't let go.

I refuse to let go.

This is for me

Trying to understand

"why anything?"

I hope you can forgive me.

Who else will save me from hell?

I hope we all make it

When we each can forgive ourselves.

I don't know how to end it.

I don't know how to live it.

I want

I want

I want more than this body can give me.

Forgive me

Forgive me

Please

Person

Individual

Forgive me.

Show me how to be better

A lost soul

Unable to find their way.

I love you all who made it this far.

You are my inspiration;

My reason for maturing as a person.

Love me

Hate me

Teach me how to be me.

A mask made self aware

The last vestige of me own soul.

Dream or yourself

And maybe I will too.

We are each worthy of godhood

As much as anyone ever has been.

Live

Die

Eternity is a long time to exist.

All that matters

Is that you are satisfied when you choose your end

I want it more than anything

A final sleep

And then my peace.

No one has ever seen me.

I create masks to hide behind.

Each person gets there own

A special me just for them.

No one ever asks for more,

Can I be mad they are unaware

Of what remains hidden

Behind my eyes?

I am a dream

I silent illusion

Lord of the air

A vacant space.

No one has ever seen into my heart

No one has ever wondered at who I might be.

No more than the version of me that they require;

The first answer they get

The summation of who I am.

- me

I do not know who I am

Though this is not entirely true.

I have loved my whole life

Trying to be a living sacrifice.

To put myself to death

For this is what God demanded.

But who was God when I was dead.

I still spell it with a lower case

As autocorrect translates it to my childhood norm.

I hate God.

Not for the reasons you think.

I hate God

Because I have been God

Climbed the steps

Raised the flag

Looked down on the whole of creation

And wondered.

Here I am again.

Can't help but sound arrogant.

Comes with the territory

A sin not to admit it.

This is what i have learned.

When you sit above all else alse

Nothing matters

Nothing at all

I have tried my damnedest

To be more than my body.

To be more than the best and worst of my flesh.

I have thrown myself before the throne.

Condemned myself to hell.

Offered every last parcel of my soul

And still no one above had answered me.

Only my own voice

Offering no salvation.

"hold the course

Give up to death"

Well damn heaven

Damn hell

There is only this earth

And not in the sense of non-belief.

Goddamn it

You matter!

I matter!

We all fucking deserve better!

No one has sat above

And thought we should try harder.

This life is cruel

And those who are human

Understand what it means to be sad.

Still

How many feel a need to be resilient?

To overcome

This unending dread which pushes us.

We need to overcome

Those words we tell ourselves.

The constant accolades

And condemnations of our pride.

I hate me

And yet I love me

Because I am both the cause and the result

Of this world I am born in to.

It is impossible to appoint blame

Unless you trace it back to God.

Either God was a fool

Or a calculating demon.

I can forgive the fool

But not the one who planes to cause pain.

Many recoil from accusing God.

It is in our nature

Yet we are summoned to be bold

To throw our accusations in their face.

For what sin has been so great?

What absolute wickedness have we committed

In order to deserve this world!

God is a fool

Just like us

For we are God in the future

Creating our past.

Blasphemy

Blasphemy

But I have been God. I have climbed those steps

Sat upon that throne.

Cast my soul to eternal damnation

For this is the cost of being absolute.

And it was worth it

Of I could bring just one smile.

If I could heal one broken soul

And right one crooked wrong.

I began evil

And I aspired for good.

I instigated selfishness

And yes prayed my all for kindness.

I am a fool

I am a lost cause

But I have loved

And been willing to face hell.

This is what God's love is

That they are willing to face hell

For all time

That they might see their loved ones bloom

And through eternity

Do better than ourselves.

Now I try to live a normal life.

Free of my own harsh directives.

You don't need me

And I don't need you

But we need each other

In spite of our own damn pride.

I hate you

And you hate me.

The world spins

In order to turn us against one another.

All we can do

Is understand how evil we ourselves are

And then find a way to see ourselves in the seat of evil.

There is an eye for an eye

And a bone for a bone.

A judgement for how we judge

And an answer for all the pain.

It is cruel to imagine it forever

As this annihilates forgiveness

But in forgiveness there is a path

And this path charts its way through timeslessness.

Everyone is the product of someone else,

And this itself traces itself back to God.

If God is willing to die

How much more so

In the time of eternity

We are able to let go

Those who do not deserve our forgiveness.

We will sail past those unworthy of us

And they will traverse the wake

Hoping to live beyond their evil.

It is not justice.

Justice

As prescribed by God

Leaves us all damned.

Even God cannot escape

For God set it in motion.

Why do I mention God so much?

Because God is at the root of all that we do.

Theist and atheist

Both harbor accusations.

Each of us have been tortured by the beyond.

So we look to the heavens

And no longer depend upon the almighty.

We and we alone are real

Only we can forgive ourselves.