I Do Not Know Who I Am

I do not know who I am

Though this is not entirely true.

I have loved my whole life

Trying to be a living sacrifice.

To put myself to death

For this is what God demanded.

But who was God when I was dead.

I still spell it with a lower case

As autocorrect translates it to my childhood norm.

I hate God.

Not for the reasons you think.

I hate God

Because I have been God

Climbed the steps

Raised the flag

Looked down on the whole of creation

And wondered.

Here I am again.

Can't help but sound arrogant.

Comes with the territory

A sin not to admit it.

This is what i have learned.

When you sit above all else alse

Nothing matters

Nothing at all

I have tried my damnedest

To be more than my body.

To be more than the best and worst of my flesh.

I have thrown myself before the throne.

Condemned myself to hell.

Offered every last parcel of my soul

And still no one above had answered me.

Only my own voice

Offering no salvation.

"hold the course

Give up to death"

Well damn heaven

Damn hell

There is only this earth

And not in the sense of non-belief.

Goddamn it

You matter!

I matter!

We all fucking deserve better!

No one has sat above

And thought we should try harder.

This life is cruel

And those who are human

Understand what it means to be sad.

Still

How many feel a need to be resilient?

To overcome

This unending dread which pushes us.

We need to overcome

Those words we tell ourselves.

The constant accolades

And condemnations of our pride.

I hate me

And yet I love me

Because I am both the cause and the result

Of this world I am born in to.

It is impossible to appoint blame

Unless you trace it back to God.

Either God was a fool

Or a calculating demon.

I can forgive the fool

But not the one who planes to cause pain.

Many recoil from accusing God.

It is in our nature

Yet we are summoned to be bold

To throw our accusations in their face.

For what sin has been so great?

What absolute wickedness have we committed

In order to deserve this world!

God is a fool

Just like us

For we are God in the future

Creating our past.

Blasphemy

Blasphemy

But I have been God. I have climbed those steps

Sat upon that throne.

Cast my soul to eternal damnation

For this is the cost of being absolute.

And it was worth it

Of I could bring just one smile.

If I could heal one broken soul

And right one crooked wrong.

I began evil

And I aspired for good.

I instigated selfishness

And yes prayed my all for kindness.

I am a fool

I am a lost cause

But I have loved

And been willing to face hell.

This is what God's love is

That they are willing to face hell

For all time

That they might see their loved ones bloom

And through eternity

Do better than ourselves.

Now I try to live a normal life.

Free of my own harsh directives.

You don't need me

And I don't need you

But we need each other

In spite of our own damn pride.

I hate you

And you hate me.

The world spins

In order to turn us against one another.

All we can do

Is understand how evil we ourselves are

And then find a way to see ourselves in the seat of evil.

There is an eye for an eye

And a bone for a bone.

A judgement for how we judge

And an answer for all the pain.

It is cruel to imagine it forever

As this annihilates forgiveness

But in forgiveness there is a path

And this path charts its way through timeslessness.

Everyone is the product of someone else,

And this itself traces itself back to God.

If God is willing to die

How much more so

In the time of eternity

We are able to let go

Those who do not deserve our forgiveness.

We will sail past those unworthy of us

And they will traverse the wake

Hoping to live beyond their evil.

It is not justice.

Justice

As prescribed by God

Leaves us all damned.

Even God cannot escape

For God set it in motion.

Why do I mention God so much?

Because God is at the root of all that we do.

Theist and atheist

Both harbor accusations.

Each of us have been tortured by the beyond.

So we look to the heavens

And no longer depend upon the almighty.

We and we alone are real

Only we can forgive ourselves.

I have become toxic.

Not entirely sure when it started

But here I am.

I don't know what to do.

Something's got to give.

Something has to be lobotomized

Family friends school or self

While work cruelly grins in the corner

Knowing it has me bound.

- me myself Andrew

I have tried to create everything

And in so doing

Lost everything.

Filled with hate

Filled with anger

I have burned most things I have hoped for.

Life is cruel

And we are its saving grace.

I look to a future beyond us all

Far beyond the last human breath.

A time in which a soul breathes

And dreams of worlds

In which all souls live.

I despise the flesh

And worship its needs.

I love the world

And hates its ways.

Humanity dances and loses sight of the dance.

I hold a dream

In which the imagination reigns free.

People are born by time

I hope this changes one day.

Without time nothing matters

And in such a state

We are made free.

If nothing matters

We can do anything.

What we settle on

In eternity

Is a surprise to those who do.

In youth we burn down the world

In age we seek a simple rest.

I have hated and I have loved.

I have wept over us all

And lavished upon my own greed.

Life has no directed meaning.

Life has no dirceted purpose.

Yet I have believed

I have lived

And I have died.

I cling to a hope

In which the individual is made free.

I see beyond this moment.

I am lost in my own fantasies.

I live a thousand lives

And die a thousand deaths.

I believe in our imagination.

I live for my own creativity.

Life means more than someone over another;

I despise when someone stands up.

Take away conscious thought.

Take away present awareness.

Remove the self within the community

And you have the life of one who sees clearly.

It cannot last

Doomed to fail

But in that moment

Clarity shines.

God upon the mount;

Messiah upon the alter;

Understanding of what is

You value all as your own momentary breath.

Then you weep tears

Over your own corpse,

And in that corpse

All living resides.

I cry because the world hates

I cry because I hate.

When I was 11

I sat down and tried to fix the world.

I didn't know what was wrong

And now I am sad

That I tried to understand good and evil.

Pain resonates throughout existence

And it breaks my heart.

Oppression demands its stay in the sun

Incapable of understanding its own nature.

Rivers of tears fill heaven's throne

And no one sits there

To comprehend it's source.

I walk up

Ignorant and prideful

Unaware of all that is

And believe it is a simple fix.

I lay down some commandments.

I see they do not work.

I amend a few things

Add a few things

See it doesn't work.

I mold and meld

Strive and claim

It all falls apart

I can't understand.

Nothing I do

Fixes the world.

The world doesn't need me

I'm part of the problem.

It all comes crashing down,

New stuff rises up.

Time flows on

Humanity is forgotten.

Life

It lives

And I lose track of it.

I see my own frailty

And start to wonder at my own demense.

I will die

And I will live

Not by cosmic judgement

But by my own condemnation.

I hate myself

And I love myself.

I cannot comprehend me.

In me is everyone,

And in everyone is me.

Only I can save my own soul

For only I can forgive me

Of the crimes against myself.

I draw to an end

What can be said

That has not been said in every generation.

Life ends.

Our works end.

All we do

Stands in account against ourselves.

Only what we hope can see us through

Can speak in defense of what we do.

How short it falls

When weighed against the rest

I weep bitter tears into the night

A rabid dog

Unaware of its own condition.

No one can save us

As we cannot forgive ourselves.

Blood and rage

Judgement against ourselves.

I linger on

Unwilling to let go.

A desperate thought

Unfinished

Unrefined.

I want more

I need more

I break down

Like a child before god.

I don't have any answers.

I don't know what to do.

All I know

Is this isn't right.

All the tears.

All the pain.

All the wishing

And praying

And hoping for better days.

I was a child once

And I had dreams.

Life hurt me

And I had done nothing wrong.

"why do you hurt me?"

I asked God above.

"what did I do to you

While in my mother's womb?"

So I fought god

And cast it down

Only to find myself

Sitting in the guilty seat.

A proper ending never comes.

A poignant closing statement

Alludes the purest of our spirits.

I am filled with rage

With which I know not what to do.

A cauldron of indecision

Desperately trying to escape.

Living breath to breath

Moment to moment

Nothing more than the soul beside me;

Nothing more

Than the countless souls before me.

Untold of lines stretch out in front

Weaving new stories

And more stories of the same.

I cannot reach them

Beyond this moment now.

I am bound

As they are bound

As you are bound before me now

Who can say

Who we will be a day from now.

Before ourselves

We have yet to find ourselves.

A lost dream.

A sullen cause.

A hope beyond all hope

A person in life.

Only we can defend our names.

Only we can defend our purpose.

Nothing can protect us

Not the stars or moon or god.

We alone can speak up at our trial

And try to understand what we have done.

For it is not a trial before our peers

As it is a judgement before ourselves

As weighed upon our many lives

Stretching across

Vast eternity.

- myself, previously known as Andrew, still trying decide who I am now and have been

Opening up is a virtual impossibility.

Even when desired

I am incapable of doing so.

The more pressing the question

The more cryptic I become.

I speak in riddles

And try to confuse.

As a serpent I twist myself infinitely

All to avoid lowering my defenses

So expertly crafted over a lifetime.

Utter isolation is my just reward,

One I have worked towards with tears in my eyes.

Self-damned

My word my everlasting law.

- me, my own, andrew-loves

I feel like I'm breaking again

It scares me

My hell fires

Seeping through the cracks

- mine, Andrew

When I was young

I thought I understood life's problems.

I wasn't very right.

In fact

It was far more serious

Than a twelve year old could have imagined.

Back then

It was as simple as having a friend

Something

I myself did not even fully realize.

As I look to the stars

I wonder about each person

And consider the life they would live

Without any consideration

For the world that is.

Free to developed from innocent child

Into innocent adult

Never having hated.

I wonder about the potential of people

Without this world.

A pessimist I might be

But for the matters of the true self

I remain an optimist.

I am better than I once was

If not as good as I was when first born.

Are any of us free.

How much or our lives are due

To the forces of our lives

Which are in turn dependent on others

Trailing backwards through time

Till there is nothing left

But for that first breath

The beginning of all creation.

Would you blame a new born child for everything?

A new life

For the cruelty that could comes from circumstances?

Humanity deserves better than reality.

You

Deserve better than humanity.

Stellar freedom.

I believe there is a dream

That each of us hold.

It is destroyed as we age

As we interact with the world

A dream that is free of expectation

Of interpretation.

A child's dream

Without conditioning

Or complication

In which that person is free to just breathe

Soaring throughout the skies

Without worry or fear.

Able to live as any animal

To play any game.

Unaware of hate

Or malice

Or need to impress a parent who themselves is broken.

Unbound by reality

And able to do anything their imagination let's them.

Adulthood destroys lives.

This is the greatest crime I can imagine.

Broken souls are them dependent upon

To mature those who come after.

How can this ever be right?

I wish for everyone

A child's life.

Every ambition an infant has

Unable to understand

The dispair of all adult lives.