Everyday

Everyday

I need to apologize for my mental health.

I can't do as much as I once could.

Socializing hurts

And it can take days to recover.

Everyone wants a piece of me;

How do you triage love?

.

I am cruel in my silence,

But ignoring is easier

Than having to explain.

Some can't take no for an answer

And I can only hold out for so long

Before my guilt drives me to consent.

So I shield myself

Trying to keep me safe.

When everyday is a battle to stay alive

Is it evil to prioritize me?

- by me, Andrew

I feel like I'm breaking again

It scares me

My hell fires

Seeping through the cracks

- mine, Andrew

I wish I could change it all. Go back and tell myself "be better than you are. You preach and they believe". I have shown myself to be a lie, time and time again. An illusion, a vaporous air, the shifting shadows of the day. I have bred pain, and such a kind that my victims cannot understand it happening. I have become a being I hate, gotten what I wished, silence, and all the pain it brings.

I could never decide my life, no one need wait on me. I once made people see them themselves as beautiful and special. Now I cause them doubt, and instead inspire retreat. I wish I could have died before, instead of becoming who I am. Died as a fond memory, a happy dream.

Touch burns.

Like making eye contact

It hurts to be so intimate.

These are actions I can only do occasionally

And this with great effort.

Explaining it is hard.

I have found most don't have the care or time

And I'm not that great at honest communication.

Some people can only see their own needs.

Because of this

I have often sacrificed my own comfort,

Hiding how my skin crawls

And I'm screaming silently inside.

A hug

A poke

Grazing

And pats

Invasions that make me want to die.

Never been good at defending myself

Especially from those

Who claim to love me.

-me, Andrew

I am sad

Something feels

Missing...

How do I figure out what?

A lost dream?

A confused fantasy?

I want something more

But I can't define it.

This is the story of my life

The lost child

Aiming to take on God.

No promise of death or life

But the need to question remains the same.

I have never been able to place myself,

And now it has only gotten harder.

I find I am unable to admit

Even to me

What it is that I want.

I have seen everything

Every image of myself

Above and below.

God and the sinner

The devil and the savior.

I have found that righteousness is a point of view

And because of this

Nothing is ever pure.

I broke the law

Spat in its face

Even though

I formed its soul.

These words are nonsensical

I've written long enough to see my own joke.

Still

I can't stop.

Some part of me continues to believe.

I want to be truthful.

I want to stand before myself and not flinch.

My nature has been to run

And this fills me with such guilt.

I once held such lofty ambitions for my soul

But what are these dreams

Given my wickedness?

Pride

Ego

I have worshiped myself

Failing to question my worth.

God is guilty

And I am god.

How far I have come

Since I sat on the Mount.

Writing long poems

Only for myself.

Not oblivious

To my own condescension.

Rambling because I can never tell when to quit.

I live in self hatred;

Dealing

In self doubt.

I wanted all the world to be free

But then aimed for them to be slaves to me.

How do you overcome your own soul?

Your own nature and sprees?

I can't understand it.

I can't even give it a name.

Yet I keep on writing

Crying

As I avoid my own glare.

I hate who I am

Only because it exists in a world with others.

When alone I love myself

Until my own selfishness dawns on me.

I am not all knowing.

I am not perfect.

I am still God

But what does that even mean?

Wrong from the start.

Wicked from my beginning.

A foolish arrogant idiot

Who believes only they know the truth.

All the while evil reigns

Using the same laws

I laid down.

Everything goes up in flames

And I descend through my own guilt.

An unworthty savior

Battling through their own humanity.

Understanding

That people are more worthy of themselves

Than I could ever be.

Figuring out how to exist

After my own decent

I fumble through it all

Stumbling over my own identity.

One day I think I will live,

And it will be after I've laid down my arms.

My own arrogance

My own profered up ego;

My own declared divinity.

It will be beyond my own need be wo shoped;

My own need to be loved by all.

One day I will learn to accept myself

And in that moment

I will be able to understand

How little I actually matter.

The world holds itself accountable.

It doesn't need me.

I was never anything worth thought

And yet I am.

I exist for me.

I am that I am.

I stand before myself

As all of creation stands before its self.

All I want is to live

And for each being to live.

Free of our hate

And free of our need to be right.

Beyond the power or others;

Free from the authority of adjacent souls.

I unbound by antagonistic lives

That obscure our view of infinite dreams.

Eternity is a long time to entertain ourselves

And I cannot be sure where we all are.

If done ever

Who can be sure

All we have is this moment

Ok praying to be alive.

It is more than anyone can actively undertand

Or maybe I am just so small.

All I know is this day to day survival

Battling with hatred and love.

One day I hope for peace

But I cannot be sure.

Faith is a weapon held against those who try

And I am one

Who has yet to figure out how.

So I write long wonder poems

Because I never know when to quit.

This is why death exists

To cut short assholes

Like myself.

I hate my life

And yet I love it.

It exists for me

And I struggle with it.

There is so much injustice I have let slide

Because I was preoccupied with my own aggrendizment.

I failed to see the suffering that exists

While focusing on

The metaphysical of humanity.

I thank you for forgiving me.

For humoring me all the more.

If you pass me over

I understand that too

For it is important to do so.

God never understood the world they created.

It wasn't like them.

I spite of their intentions

Their creation was an accident.

So I am.

A lost soul

Amount lost souls.

A whispering dream

Alone

As each individual is

When facing who they are

Before only themselves

Stretched beyond eternity.

This is my fear

And this is my dream.

My heart can't bear the final words

And so it stretches beyond its own sound advice.

I can't let go.

I refuse to let go.

This is for me

Trying to understand

"why anything?"

I hope you can forgive me.

Who else will save me from hell?

I hope we all make it

When we each can forgive ourselves.

I don't know how to end it.

I don't know how to live it.

I want

I want

I want more than this body can give me.

Forgive me

Forgive me

Please

Person

Individual

Forgive me.

Show me how to be better

A lost soul

Unable to find their way.

I love you all who made it this far.

You are my inspiration;

My reason for maturing as a person.

Love me

Hate me

Teach me how to be me.

A mask made self aware

The last vestige of me own soul.

Dream or yourself

And maybe I will too.

We are each worthy of godhood

As much as anyone ever has been.

Live

Die

Eternity is a long time to exist.

All that matters

Is that you are satisfied when you choose your end

I want it more than anything

A final sleep

And then my peace.

I have been judged for being me

And so have judged others.

This guilt has driven me to madness

Which is itself a struggle of accepting myself.

People deserve to love what they love.

To enjoy the things that make them feel.

I have related to many things

Some of which are piss poor

While others are too exalted.

The truth is I just want to exist.

To be free in being who I am

Without feeling the need to judge who I am.

I am beautiful

A darling who dances freely.

Fearing my own judgement

Through the eyes of others

Has caused me great pain.

Learning to forgive myself

For being myself

Is the hardest journey yet.

Reality has never met my standards.

Better yet

I have never risen to its level.

My dreams are confessions.

My words

Solemn testimony.

I know this isn't any good

I'm not writing it to win any awards.

This is how I deal with who I am

And steadily grow

Into the person I secretly dream or being.

For love of me

This is why I live.

Ever hoping to accept myself

Without worry for those

Who are not me.