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Our fam arriving in Westeros in chapter 5 of A Dragonborn's Song of Ice and Fire. Arriving in style, of course.

Can you please show more about Lucia Whitewolf ?

Sure! I'll work something up sometime.

Unmute !

when u exit hyperfocus mode and ur immediately hit with every status effect ever

blah blah Bethesda bad anyway

my favorite thing about Elder Scrolls is how goddamn fuckin weird it is

like on surface it's just some dnd game but like even a cursory glance shows tis fucking insane like:

The moons is the corpse of a god

the stars are actually holes in reality when alot of primordial spirits hated that mortals were becoming a thing and fucked off

The demon lord of forbidden knowledge/resident Cthulhu stand-in might also be the beta version of the entire fucking universe made sentient when it wasn't chosen to be the used reality

there are cat ppl that take the form of furrys, lions, or regular cats, so you can have a cursing Pirate legend whose an alcoholic & wanted in 5 countries but is also a like basic tabby cat

the wood elves are so pro-nature they're cannibals and also they murder vegetarians

Vampires came from the Lord of Rape doing well ya know

Werewolves came to exist bc the lord of hunt got bored and is a furry

sex is treated like a fucking ip copyright contract on what aspect of sex is happening and what god it's under. There's been many religious wars about this

The lizard ppl are part tree

the Dwarves all fucked off somewhere and disappeared bc they were so atheist they did math to break relativity and literally no one has any idea where they went God or mortal (except maybe Cthulhu and hes not telling)

Said Cthulhu stand-in treats hiding your grandma's secret cookie recipe & hiding a spell that would end the universe and slay a god the exact same and he will murder you for either

Everyone wants to fuck the Orcs but will never admit it and they got so bent out of shape that a demon god killed the og orc god, ate him, and shat him out bc she couldn't deal with everyone complimenting them all the time so now all Orcs are cursed to be hated but they're all still sexy & so is their god

And all this isnt even the tip of the iceberg

reblog if you’re NOT tumblr famous, but you ARE tired and kinda gay

sometimes I randomly think about the time a girl posted in this girls only Facebook group I’m in telling everyone how she broke up with her boyfriend and he lied saying that he lost the spare key she gave him, only to then break into her apartment when she wasn’t home and steal the cat they’d adopted while they were together, but then he denied having done this and she didn’t really have proof that he took the cat since he wouldn’t let her come into his place and look for it. And then another girl saw this post and knew her ex-boyfriend, and she was like “girl. I used to hook up with your mans back in xxxx and I still have his number. If you want, I’ll hit him up and get him to invite me back to his place and see if your cat’s there.” And the OP was like “bet.”

So this woman hit up homie dog, asked him out for drinks, went home with him, slept with him, and then woke up in the middle of the night and TOOK THE CAT. Like she had only said that she would confirm if the cat was there but then she took it upon herself to steal this woman’s cat back. Like she full on Trojan horsed this man and then hit up homegirl like “I got the goods. Where you wanna meet.” And then the two of them posted a photo of them together with the cat to the group.

And I just think women supporting women is so beautiful.

imo the best modern au setup, which no one really does, is one where all the magic elements are still pretty much the same. like danys dragons are still dragons starks are still skinchangers theons still getting harassed by trees brans still greenseeinf etc. but now jon and sansa are having to have extensive discussions about whether it counts as breaking veg if you go wolf mode while the wolf is eating and dany’s homeowners insurance situation is an absolute nightmare and so on

What if Jon Snow didn’t join the nights watch?

summary: So Jon doesn’t join the watch and instead saves Bran and Rickon.

pairing: none

genre: rabbit hole rambles

estimated word count: 3900 words

a/n: Another old reupload, hope y’all enjoy. Remember folks, copying other people’s works is plagiarism and that’s illegal. Don’t be that kind of person. Anyways, hope you all enjoy it :)

©little-lazuli. Do not copy, repost, or translate without permission

Y’all omgs I’m back. It has been a long while since I did something like this so I’m happy I actually had the time and mindset to do this. Continuing on with Asoiaf What if, I bring you What if Jon didn’t join the nights watch?

So my point of divergence is sometime in or around chapter 19 of Book 1 of A Game Of Thrones. Jon finds the wall an unforgiving place and home of many horrible peoples from across the realm of Westeros. Feeling disgusted and abandoned, Jon makes the conscious decision to head south. His leave happens after Tyrion so no more Tyrion and Jon time. However Jon is very grateful for Tyrion’s words on the true status and well being of the wall. Ashamed of his inability and lack of drive to handle the wall, Jon decides to not go back to Winterfell (also because he’s under the impression Catelyn is still there) for the time being and instead travel the North.

He spends a day at Mole’s Town before heading south. On his journey south he saves a family of farmers from Wildlings (Osha, Stiv and Wallen). He maims Wallen and disarms Stiv. With the aid of Ghost growling, the three flee. The family he saves grants him a place to stay and supplies before he’s off again. When he reaches the Long Lake, he stargazes with Ghost. It is that night that he wargs for the first time and becomes quite unsettled at the prospect once he realizes what it was, refusing to believe it to be magic but rather just coincidental dreams.

He and Ghost fish in the Long Lake for multiple nights on their journey southward. They continue on until taking refuge from a storm at the Tumbledown Tower. The vault that exists within the tower, along with a working fire provides warmth for Jon during the nights that are growing colder. He has more conversations with Ghost, treating the direwolf as his de facto therapist that can’t talk back. Jon decides to stall his time at the tower versus risking a journey south at the moment. He decides to use the Tower as his new home. He and Ghost hunt for food in and around the nearby Wolfswood.

By this time Robb has already begun his march South. Jon remains in the Tumbledown tower for a while. He takes notice of the stars once more and the nature surrounding him. He reflects on his life and how the world works. Ghost becomes a great companion for Jon throughout this almost peaceful journey in the Northern wilderness. After a few more weeks, Jon makes the decision to head south. He knows he probably should fear Lady Catelyn’s wrath, but knows Robb would be okay with him. It takes him another week or two to finally reach the outer lands of Winterfell. When he arrives, he is welcomed by Ser Rodrik, Luwin, Bran and Rickon. At first Rodrik is angry because he thinks Jon deserted, but all is negated when Jon reveals that he didn't take his oaths.

Jon has supper with his brothers as they fill him in on the news of what’s been happening. Jon is devastated with the news of Ned’s death and Jon is almost tempted to head south to join Robb to get revenge, however, Bran pleads with Jon to stay in Winterfell with them. Jon can’t refuse them because he can’t bare to have them suffer anymore than they already have. Jon is present with Bran and Luwin when the Walders arrive in Winterfell and immediately takes a strong dislike to them. Jon tries to stand by Tyrion’s words by wearing his bastardness like honor but instead just chooses to avoid them.

Jon becomes a close confidante and voice of reason for Bran when many nobles from the North come for the Harvest Feast. Jon is there to insult the Frey’s when they insult Hodor. Jon is not present for Bran’s meeting with Lord Wyman Manderly but is there the next day when Donella Hornwood talks of her worries. Jon suggests Donella return to White Harbor with her cousin Wyman for the time being for her own protection and for her time of grief. Donella is worried Wyman will pressure her into marrying a suitor of his choosing but Bran makes it clear Wyman will do no such thing, that’s an order. Donella is pleased with Bran and Jon’s words. Jon is there to shield Bran’s eyes from a naked Osha in the Godswood who teases the two boys. The next day, Jon is busy watching over Rickon whilst Bran meets with the Umbers. Jon argues with the Frey’s again after they mock him for being a bastard. They are interrupted by Leobald Tallhart who defends Jon. Leo tells Jon to never let one’s word dictate the way he fights, a lesson Jon takes in. Later, with Cley Cerwyn’s arrival, Jon is shocked at Stannis’ revelation that Joffrey is ill born.

Jon is present during the feast, sitting to the right of Rickon. Jon at first is uncomfortable for he never sat at the high table before but Bran had forced him to do so. Jon agrees with Bran about not letting the Frey’s sit on the high table but are refuted by Luwin. Jon sits throughout the feast contemplating whether or not he should go south again. He meets Meera and Jojen Reed when they arrive and he stays to watch the many people dance at the feast for a bit before heading to bed. Some time later, news of Lady Hornwood’s murder reaches Winterfell. Winterfell learns that while Donella and Wyman marched to Hornwood before their eventual return to White Harbor, Ramsay Snow had attacked the group. Lady Hornwood was almost kidnapped but was instead mortally wounded. In retaliation, the Manderly’s and Hornwood men chased the Bolton men away and have occupied Hornwood.

Jon at first intends to head with Ser Rodrik but Rodrik refuses Jon’s pleas and instead has him stay in Winterfell to watch over the boys. Though disappointed, Jon agrees. He has a light spar with Meera Reed in the Godswood, and is in awe with her ability with her Frog Spear. Jon comments he would have won if she didn’t have her net, and she jokes that she’s happy that she did have it then. Later when Ser Rodrik returns, Jon is repulsed at “reek” , the prisoner Ser Rodrik brought back to Winterfell. Rodrik also reveals he didn’t have enough power or energy to halt the hostilities of the Manderlys and Boltons at Hornwood. At this time Bran also tries to warn Jon of the ocean coming to Winterfell. Jon tries to calm Bran’s worries but Bran remains adamant. And with the news of raiders attacking the Stony Shore, Jon remains unsettled.

A couple nights later, news of raids at Torrhen Square prompts Ser Rodrik to head west with a majority of Winterfell’s men. Jon remains behind in Winterfell and is awake one night training late in the evening when Meera passes by. The two talk of Bran and Jojen. Meera admits to Jon of Jojen’s visions and how she knows deep down something bad is to happen and very soon. This feeling comes into fruition that night when Jon and Meera are walking back into the main keep when they hear a commotion. Witnessing men butcher Alebelly. This is enough for the two to get moving, Meera gets Jojen while Jon races inside to get his brothers. He runs into Osha who he warns of the coming attackers. Osha goes to get Rickon and hides with Meera and Jojen in the Crypts. Jon, who goes to get Bran, struggles to get the boy out of the room in time and the two are soon captured. Theon is surprised to see Jon. He has Bran taken hostage while Jon is beaten by the Ironborn for not knowing where Rickon is and for resisting. Jon is then put into the dungeons.

During his time imprisoned, Jon is put into a cell next to “Reek” and the two converse. After hearing “Reek” speak of torture, flaying and the “Moose Bitch” and her “Walrus of a cousin” Messing up his plans, Jon realizes that “Reek” is actually Ramsay Snow. Ramsay promises to destroy Winterfell and the Starks. In response, Jon promises that Ramsay’s head will decorate the walls of Winterfell. Jon endures Ramsay’s verbal abuse and psychological torture for a few days and nights until Theon comes storming into the dungeons and demands to know where Bran is. Jon is genuinely clueless but he is again beaten, this time by Theon himself. Theon claims that Bran and the direwolves have gone missing along with Rickon and the Reed siblings. However Jon punches him back, so Jon again knocked down and left injured in the cell. Ramsay offers a solution for Theon which prompts Theon to free him. Later on Jon and Luwin are forced to look at the dead corpses of the two Miller boys, both men under the impression Theon killed Rickon and Bran.

Later Jon sees Osha working in the castle and believes she’s betrayed Rickon and tries to kill her but is beaten again by Ironborn. Later Theon sends “Reek” to gather reinforcements when he hears the news of Rodrik forming a force to take back Winterfell. Jon learns of this after Ramsay gloats on finally being given the opportunity to complete his dreams of ending the Starks. Asha berates Theon and leaves. Theon is too busy trying to hold on to Winterfell, Asha is busy in Deepwood Motte and Dagmer has lost at Torrhen Square and has been chased back to Stony shore. All the while Jon sits alone shivering in the cold dungeons of Winterfell. Later on, Jon and Beth Cassel are taken up in the walls of Winterfell as hostages to negate Rodrik from attacking. However Jon notices that Theon’s forces have dwindled significantly. And when he is given the chance, he pushes Theon off and screams out to Rodrik of Ramsay Snow still being alive as Reek and that he’s coming with reinforcements for Theon. Jon is soon beaten once again and almost hung by Theon before he and Beth are both thrown into a cell.

Beth tends to Jon's injuries. Jon struggles to walk but tells Beth they need to escape as soon as possible. They are interrupted by their Ironborn guard being killed and them being freed by Osha. She leads them down to the crypts where the two are reunited with the rest of the “missing peoples.” Jon tells Osha of the waiting army and that around fifteen men remain as the only Ironborn. Jon tells her that they can help Rodrik by doing some damage to the Ironborn from inside. Osha doesn’t like the idea, but Jon tells him she won’t be alone. Osha, Jon, Meera and the three direwolves emerge from the crypts at dusk when they hear the sounds of fighting outside the gates. Jon notices the gates to be closed so deduces the fighting to be amongst the Northmen forces outside. Together the group begin jumping and killing the Ironborn. Jon goes around alerting the Winterfell folk to prepare to go into hiding or to aid in the retaking of Winterfell. Meera kills a man with her Frog spear. Osha kills two men with a spear. Osha helps Jon in killing Wex Pyke and Kromm. The three direwolves work together in tearing four men to pieces. Hayhead and Barth are just some of the Winterfell men who come to Jon’s aid in retaking Winterfell.

Soon enough Theon, who has been sleeping in Eddard Stark’s room, is taken captive by Hayhead and another guard. He is thrown into a cell while Jon only walks away in disgust. Jon and Meera get to the top of the walls to see Ser Rodrik’s force defeat Ramsay Snow’s men and rout them, but at a cost. When Osha returns from the Crypts with Bran, Rickon, Jojen, Beth and Hodor, Jon aids in opening the gates to find a battered force of Stark loyalists. Ser Rodrik succumbs to his injuries with Beth crying on his side. Jon proclaims a Stark victory at a sad cost.

By this point this is the end of A Clash of Kings. And this does provide a few different outcomes to come for the future play out of the books which I will get into shortly. But with Winterfell in Stark hands, Roose is less inclined to betray the Starks because even if he killed Robb, the Stark loyalists would rally to whichever Stark remained in Winterfell. Robb still marries Jeyne Westerling, Catelyn still frees Jaime, and Sansa doesn’t become the key to the North. Anyways let’s continue.

I imagine Winterfell’s story of A Storm of Swords starting off with Jon being a part of Bran’s inner circle alongside Maester Luwin. Cley Cerwyn becomes a frequent presence and becomes a good friend of Jon and Bran. The trio remains conflicted on what to do next. The Ironborn have the Moat, Deepwood Motte and roam the Stony Shore. Ramsay Snow remains at the Dreadfort and has continued a raiding campaign against the Manderlys in the Hornwood lands. Jon suggest having the Manderlys press forward on the Dreadfort, and to have Leobald Tallhart take back the western lands of the North. But Luwin remains indecisive of which enemy should they should fight first. Jon suggests calling upon more men but Luwin explains that the North is near exhaustion. Instead, Luwin suggests having the people focus on getting the harvest and preparing for Winter.

Jon refuses to stand by and do nothing as monsters terrorize his home. Jon asks about the ravens Luwin had sent weeks ago, right after the retaking of Winterfell, and he responds that he had no response from Robb or Catelyn. Jon is frustrated cause he knows not what to do. Winterfell soon receives a raven from the Wall detailing the need for aid, for an army of Wildlings are marching south. Jon then debates with Luwin before finally convincing him to head North to aid the Night’s Watch. Bran also orders that Wyman Manderly and Leobald Tallhart move forward with their campaigns against Ramsay and the Ironborn respectively.

During his time in the crypts Bran makes the decision to follow his dreams and learn to fly. He intends to head north with the Reed siblings to find the Three Eyed Crow. He makes his intentions clear to Jon who is angered at his words and goes to Luwin with the news. Bran is then confined to his room. All the while Jon, prepares to head North. Jon is joined by Cley Cerwyn and a force of two hundred men. Jon leaves after saying his goodbyes to the boys and Luwin and is joined by Ghost. Unknowing to him Bran, Meera, Summer, Hodor and Jojen follow the army up north (for a time before heading in their own). Jon and Cley discuss the Night’s Watch and Jon reveals the harsh truths of the Wall and how it actually is. Cley wonders if two hundred will be enough, Jon says no which is why he’s going to get reinforcements along the way. After weeks of marching, resting, training and marching, Jon departs from Cley who he instructs to continue to Last Hearth to gain the favor and aid of House Umber.

Jon along with Ghost and ten men traverse the Northern mountains. There he encounters numerous clans: Liddles, Harclays, Wulls, Flints, Norreys, Burleys and Knotts. He gains the respect of the Flints and the Norrey through his devotion to protect the North from the monsters beyond the wall that would seek to bring death and despair. But much of the other clans are skeptical and unmoved by Jon’s intentions. So instead he makes the decision to prove his worth to the other clans. The Flints and Norreys agree to back Jon in his plans. So together, Jon, Ghost, his men, and almost four hundred Northern clansmen march west to the Bay of Ice. Their sights set on retaking Deepwood Motte. Jon knows the odds of taking Deepwood is scarecrow considering the Ironborn had the numbers and the chance to settle in. So Jon instead focuses first on setting the Ironborn long ships aflame. Jon along with a hundred men storm the nearby beaches from the North and begin torching the boats, killing any Ironborn in their way.

Jon then leads his men around to the south end of the castle, using the Wolfswood to hide their presence. The burning of the ships causes a huge commotion, prompting the drawbridge to be lowered and for much of the Ironborn strength to come out to inspect the situation and try to fight off any north men. Jon waits until night time, with the drawbridge still down and the Ironborn coming and going, Jon alongside side ghost and the Flints and Norreys, quickly storm the castle. The Ironborn caught off guard are surprised by the attack. The darkness of nights aids to the Northerns advantage. Quickly storming the Bailey, with his force cramped within the Bailey, Jon orders the drawbridge be lifted to prevent Ironborn reinforcements from coming back in.

The fight lasts throughout the night. Jon fights in a smithy where he throws hot ash and coals into three Ironborn men try to over power him. In another tussle, Jon kills a man by using his sword to slice the mans jaw off his face. The Bailey is eventually secured and Jon joins the charge up to the Motte. The motte is stormed and the keep soon falls. Jon soon finds the captives of Lady Sybelle Glover, her children, Lawrence Snow and the dying steward. Jon wonders where the Ironborn leader is, which Lady Glover reveals that Asha Greyjoy has left to check the ships and hadn’t returned. Jon states she won’t and declares the Motte free and reclaimed for the North. A brief funeral is held for the northerns who died in the fight and during the occupation, including the steward. Jon asks Lady Glover to head to Winterfell for her safety, for they have not the men to hold the Motte. She initially denies doing so because she deems the Wolfswood to unsafe for her retinue to March through. Without their ships to flee on, the leftover Ironborn still linger in the Wolfswood.

Instead Lady Glover and her remaining household and people travel north with Jon’s forces to stay at Breakstone Hill, an abandoned fortress used by the northern clansmen as a meeting place. There they’ll intend to stay until the motte is safe again. And so Jon, Lady Glover’s retinue and the Clansman abandon the Motte and head north. Their arrival and the news of Jon’s courage and devotion to the north is admirable enough for the other Clans to join’s Jon’s cause. Garnering around three thousand men to his name, Jon marches for the wall. The leaders of the Clans help Jon traverse the Northern mountains to where the come up to the south western edge of Queenscrown lake. Together, Jon’s host of three thousand march east for the King’s road. They are soon joined by another thirteen hundred men, Cley Cerwyn and Mors Umber. Together, the host of four thousand and three hundred men march up the Kings road.

The host reaches Castle Black which has been occupied by the wildlings, with its gate wide open, Jon realizes he is too late and soon confers with his men. The host decides to camp at Moles town. The leaders see giants, mammoths and thenns, all of which send shivers and shock into their systems. Mors and the Clansmen wish to charge the oncoming wildlings. Cley however says they should parley because they know not the numbers. Jon wishes to parley much to Mors’ dismay but agrees to the act. Jon rides forward under a white banner proclaiming his intentions and wish for a parley, while holding out bread and salt. Jon, Cley Cerwyn, Mors Umber and some clansmen meets with Mance Rayder, Tormund Giantsbane, Harma Dogshead, Varamyr, Rattleshirt and Mag the Mighty. After bread and salt have been taken by both parties, the two sides exchange verbal blows. Jon learns of the Wildlings’ intentions and that the Night’s watch isn’t all dead, the survivors have taken to hiding underground licking their wounds. Mors and the Clansmen refuse to allow the Wildlings safety South of the wall. The wildlings make it known that the others are coming. Mance points out that the free folk were content in their free life beyond the wall. Only a problem as big as the others would be enough to unite the hundreds of warring tribes and clans of free folk with a common cause to seek shelter behind the wall. But Jon makes it clear that if they were going to live within Robb’s realm then they must abide by his laws and bend the knee. Jon later asks for the lives of the remaining nights watch to be spared. The terms are set and Jon returns to his camp.

Jon’s group are conflicted, the Clansmen frustrated for they believe that the coming winter will brings demons but have a history they struggle to ignore. Mors Umbers is infuriated and refuses to entertain the idea of the wildlings. When Cley asks if he’s willing to sacrifice the survival of his house for the possibility of ignoring the fact that the others are coming south, Mors falters in his anger. Cley suggest granting them the lands of the Gift to inhabit versus allowing them into the lands of the North. But Jon points out that permission would fall into the hands of the Night’s watch. If the wildlings wanted to live in the Gift, the New Gift or inhabit the empty castles of the wall, the wildlings would need the permission of the Night’s watch. Mors agree, but makes it clear that no Wildling would be welcome on Umber lands, for the enmity between his people and the wildlings is too much. Cley sides with Jon. The clansmen are willing but are still overly cautious.

The next day, another parley is held and when Jon meets with the Wildling leaders. Two groups immediately decide to join Jon. Mag the Mighty, de facto head of the Giants and Sigorn of the Thenns, the respective leaders of their group speak the old tongue to Jon. Mance Rayder aids in the translation for the two groups. The Giants and the Thenns will not kneel, they will not bend the knee. But if following the laws of the south will allow them the protection behind the wall, then they follow them to the best of their ability. Jon accepts the partial oaths of fealty on behalf of Robb. Jon also makes it clear that if they are to live as people of the Kingdom of the North, at some point in time they will be obligated to protect the new lands they call home, from enemies, both north and south of the wall. And that one day they’ll have to come and meet the King in Winterfell. After a tense moment of thought amongst themselves, the two groups agree. The Thenns and the Giants make it clear they’ll stand by Snow. Together, the two groups begin marching south to Jon’s side— and that’s where I’m gonna end it cause I feel like I rambled and bothered y’all long enough. Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed and please don’t be afraid to send an ask or comment your thoughts.

Illia Libertades. She is close friends with Jon Whitewolf, often refer to as his sister 'in all but blood'. She is a highly skilled ice mage who is equally as skilled in healing magic.

Her mother was a member of an Imperial House called Libertades. Illia's mother left her family after her magical research was found to be too controversial and she was threatened to be disown if she did not stop.

Kodlak Whitewolf, oldest son of Jon and Serana Whitewolf. He is as powerful as his mother when it comes to magic and as skilled as his father with a blade. While he is skilled with all forms of weaponry he prefers daggers.

For his six and tenth name day his father gifts him with matching daedric daggers, enchanted with health absorption. Like his father he is gifted with both ice and fire magic. He is also highly gifted at Conjuration magic. He is also very partial to his fathers favorite staff, Wabbajack.

He will one day become the Emperor of Tamriel, and will build a dynasty that will live on for over a millennia.

At last, something they agree on!

asoiaf characters who could hack it as a starbucks barista:

— jon. runs that shit like the navy. schedules five minute scream-cry sessions for himself in the supply closet but everyone pretends not to notice bc it kinda seems like its working for him. keeps accidentally charming the regulars

— arya. only ever works closing shift bc if you put her on morning/lunch rush she yells at customers. cleans like a crazy person and leaves the place spotless. WILL put a nick in your car’s tire valve with a box opener if you make her count the till

— loras. makes GREAT coffee and can smooth things over with irate middle aged women very easily. however if ur gay avoid his location bc he cannot stop himself from being catty its in his BLOOD. also:

— dany. hits her (painstakingly decorated) dab pen in her car before work so she’s very zen. however she Is the coworker you sic on asshole customers bc she’s very good at making them feel stupid and also never caves and gives out free drinks

asoiaf characters who could NOT hack it as a starbucks barista:

— sansa. is the aforementioned caver. always turning up the heat because she’s cold even though literally everyone else is sweating like pigs. stayed on a couple months because it turns out mean customers calm down when she starts to cry #prettygirlhack but eventually quits because she hates cleaning the bathroom

— theon. uniquely bad at his job. writes his number on every other cup he hands out even to people wearing wedding bands or ACTIVELY WITH THEIR PARTNER IN THE STORE (has been beaten up like four times doing this). never ties off the garbage correctly. uses too much water when he mops and has slipped in it and twisted his ankle multiple times. is a soundcloud rapper and is always trying to get the manager to play his music in the store

— robb. nobody wants to fire him because hes genuinely a great guy but he takes eighty million years to make one drink and he’s always comping shit for his girlfriend who comes in all the time

— jojen reed. okay at the job but is always saying ominous shit to customers and is passive aggressive to whoever closed the previous night no matter how good of a job they did. quit because someone else got fired for showing up to work high and he didnt want to be next

nothing is funnier than alliser thorne to me like he had sooooo much beef with this 14 y/o emo loser as a grown ass man. jon made one (1) joke about his DOG and thorne was like ohhhhh he has to die. he really said i want that twink obliterated 🙏 no thoughts no prayers just violence. me and this eighth grader are mortal enemies. very well adjusted! good job!

lil jon things i am obsessed with/think are hilarious in the order they occurred to me at 3 am

-spends the first book telling anyone who will listen that he’s Not Afraid To Die and then a wight shoves its whole hand down his throat and he’s like wow that was actually extremely scary and never says that shit again

-always got little Things he says to himself but they’re all awful. very bad affirmation game no wonder morale is low

-“did lord eddard father you on a fish wife”

-the doubts that plague me can’t catch me if i just keep making Decisions!!! let’s hear it for Decisions!!!!

-arguably contender for top woman respecter but batting absolute zero at successfully comforting crying women. unless you consider “making her mad at you instead of upset” a success

-i’m not a wolf! i’m not a wolf!! i’m not a wolf!!! while warging like almost constantly with zero control. babe i don’t think your affirmations are working you’re experiencing non consensual smells at an alarming rate

-i wish mormont was my dad wait no i wish benjen was my dad wait no i wish qhorin was my dad wait no i wish donal noye was my dad. will someone be my dad please i just keep making decisions

-constantly having Agonies over ethical decision making while the rest of the continent hasn’t even really invented the concept of ethics yet? on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to his constant Agonies

-related: love is the death of duty but having strong ethical convictions/clear moral vision is also kind of the death of duty oops! aemon didn’t warn you about that one!

-stannis wants to davosify this kid mega bad

-“jon felt like he was fifteen again” (said when he’s literally sixteen)

-has a terrible violence in his heart but it’s kind of the least of his problems tbh. like yeah my fire and blood levels are a little elevated but i’ve got paperwork i need to take care of

-RUNNING DOWN THE TABLE AT YOU WITH A KNIFE!!!!!

-last of the giants fixation. god he’s gonna be so mad when he comes back and wun wun is dead. this one isn’t hilarious it’s deeply moving and endearing

-an eagle almost rips his eye out and he’s like well i guess i have no choice but to have sex with ygritte at least one dozen times. it’s a tough job but someone’s gotta do it

-just a crazy amount of anime main character pre-loaded swag (bastard of winterfell skin changer with an albino direwolf and a cool sword which he can really SWANG and cool facial scars etc etc) and is actively working against it. rolled super high on charisma and is trying to balance it out by being as much of a boring fuddy duddy as he possibly can. the devil works hard (at making me cool) but i work harder (at being very uncool). it is an honorable thing to be swagless by choice…….

-pretty sure he actively enjoys saying no to people. just for love of the game (the game is being disagreeable). very capricorn coded. likely brushes his teeth in the shower.

-REMEMBER WE KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP 😈

Princess Serana Whitewolf, wife to the Drangonborn, Jon Whitewolf. She is highly skilled in Conjuration and Destructions spells. She weilds the Nightengale Blade.

Jon Whitewolf.

Prince Jon Whitewolf, Heir of Tamriel, Heir and Great Thane of Skyrim, Protector of Solitude, Dragonborn and Master of the Thu’um, Harbinger of the Companions, Archmage of the College of Winterhold, Slayer of Alduin, Dragon Slayer, Vanquisher of the Altmeri Dominion, Destroyer of the Dark Brotherhood, Member of House Telavnni, and Defender of Skyrim.

Secret Titles: Guild Master of the Thieves Guild, Champion of Meridia, Champion of Nocturnal, Champion of Hircine, Champion of Azura, Champion of Sheogorath, Accidental Champion of Mehrunes Dagon, Unwilling Champion of Hermaeus Mora, and Son of Akatosh.

Unknown Titles: Trueborn son for Rhaegar and Lyanna Targaryen. Rightful King of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, Azor Ahai, and the Prince That Was Promised.

Lucia Whitewolf, adopted daughter of Jon and Serana Whitewolf. She is a natural with daggers, small swords, and bows. She also shows signs of being proficient in restoration magic and shock spells. She weilds the sword Grimsever that she received from her father. She was also given a dragon dagger and bow, both with powerful fire enchantments.

Sofie Whitewolf, daughter of Jon and Serana Whitewolf. She is studying under her adopted parents and grandmother to become a mage. She has a natural aptitude for Alteration and Conjuration magic, but excel in all areas or magic. She is a Nord, making her a natural in frost magic as well. She is also being taught to use daggers, Jon gives her the Blade of Woe her got after destroying the Dark Brotherhood. Jon also gifted her the Aetherial Crown.

New chapter is up!

mom & dad ♡

A more grown version of Kodlak Whitewolf (Targaryen). though don’t forget the purple eyes

at the end of the day i think the reason we’re all so obsessed w jon snow in the books is the inherent comedy of the Chosen One being sent to magical boarding school and just hating every minute of it. he’s not realizing his full magical girl potential he’s just exhausted. mans is TIRED. there’s a literal giant camping out in his front yard and he’s stressing over salt beef. there is an uber hot magical witch actively trying to seduce him and he’s just like ‘omg ygritte had red hair… im going to kms’. he is actively becoming a wolf. like straight up animorphing into his pet dog. and he doesn’t give a shit he’s like ‘hm that’s weird’ and then he gets distracted smelling satins’ hair again. easily the most character of all time. god.