Trauma Tw - Tumblr Posts

any advice for being therian with dissociation/depersonalization?

so i realized very recently that i'm otherkin and therian through an IRL friend, and it's my understanding that many therians have "phantom limbs". i think it's really cool and i really want to identify more with it and my animal identity but i'm really worried it'll make my dissociation worse. i have PTSD and i already struggle with perceiving my body as non-human (in a bad way), and i also happen to have non-wing related psychosomatic pain ^^'

i know it's different for everyone, but personally i do want to identify at least partially as human someday for my health. i'm just hoping to get some advice on how to go about therianthropy in a healthy way, so my DMs are open! this community seems really awesome and accepting and i really hope to participate :3

"Ugh! That arrogant, self-righteous, douchebag! With that over-inflated superiority complex! Nothing's changed with him! Coming down here acting like he can tell ME how I should feel! His hypocritical attitude, saying that I should be OVER IT!?" he wheezes it out in disbelief, rubbing his head, teeth and jaw clenching tightly.

And the overflow strikes; the dam bursts, tears stinging the corners of his eyes.

"THEY'RE the ones who got rid of me! Brutally cast me out in the WORST way imaginable! I... I... I couldn't even have imagined it myself back then! I had no idea anything could be so so... savage and cruel! But I was on the receiving end of that new term being delivered! Punishment — they called it! And he wants to act like I should just be over it?!" His anxiety and adrenaline are already spiking, he can feel his heart rate along with it, he tries to remember to breathe as the knot in his throat twists and pains him.

C!Dream being treated kindly feels wrong to me. The idea of C!Dream getting a redemption arc feels wrong to me.

It feels wrong to me, and I think some other people feel similarly, and I think I can kinda put into words why?

I think the thing that’s the biggest factor in why possible redemption/sympathy for C!Dream feels Wrong to some people rn has to do with Exile.

To me, I can’t really sympathize with C!Dream, even with his abuse and the prison situation rn, because I still resent him for Exile.

And with every situation as it is rn, I feel like he’s gotten away with it.

Because I think there’s a question that’s important: Who knows the extent of what happened?

•Tommy obviously, as it was done to him

•Dream, because he did the abuse

•Arguably Wilbur, because he has Ghostbur’s memories(?) and Ghostbur witnessed much of Exile, not the entire time as he was sent away but enough to witness abuse

•Possibly Sam, because I believe he mentioned Dream telling him what he did to Tommy to the Eggpire, and seemed disturbed and protective over Tommy, but we don’t technically know what he was told

•Ranboo, along with Techno and maybe Tubbo? know more than most, or have seen some about how it’s affected him. (Ranboo wrote letters with Tommy and saw Tommy’s concerning words, Techno worked with Tommy after his exile and witnessed his behavior and fear of Dream, along with Dream threatening to burn his disc if he didn’t come with him.

Other a few, people don’t really know what happened. Not really anyone other than Tommy himself knows exactly how fucked up it was. Nobody else, besides the victim and abuser, knows the extent of what happened. (Ghostbur didn’t witness everything so neither did Wilbur; Sam, through Dream’s words and getting his knowledge, still wouldn’t know how Tommy felt or acted in personal moments Dream wasn’t there to witness)

Okay. Another important question, worded twice bc I talk too much: What are the consequences of those people knowing? What’s happened because of it?

Well, in terms of people holding Dream accountable specifically for Exile?

Nothing, really. Dream’s essentially gotten away with it.

His actions did lead him to prison, which is definitely a punishment and accountability for his manipulation and crimes throughout the course of the server and all that jazz, but that wasn’t for Exile; that was really rather for the whole Finale situation and everything else. I don’t think that’s Exile accountability because it wasn’t intended to be so. Sam knows about exile because Dream told him, but I don’t think he knew then. He only learned after Dream was in the cell. It didn’t play a factor in locking him away.

Sam defended Tommy from the Eggpire, showing an understanding that he’d been through a lot, and he treated Tommy with kindness during the Hotel era. This can be seen, at least partly because Sam has had a positive relationship with Tommy before, in response to Sam knowing about Exile from Dream. But this reaction only affects Tommy rather than involving or directly referencing Dream.

And what happened with Sam later on? Well, because of his role as the Warden and his attachment to the rules, he ended up locking Tommy in the prison with Dream. So from a character who arguably Knows about the abuse, that’s not an action that holds Dream accountable, and as of now it looks like that’s not really going to happen.

Techno, a character who has Seen A Bit (“come with me or I’ll burn you disc” in front of his eyes, saw Tommy’s behavior after exile, hid Tommy from Dream, who was looking for him) doesn’t Know Enough to have a full understanding and Doesn’t Know what actually happened and ended up teaming up with Dream. He didn’t seem to care when told Tommy was beaten to death by Dream.

Wilbur technically held Dream accountable, in a way, for a moment, though not to his face—he told Tommy that he would have killed Dream for how he treated him. That was a moment where a character other than Tommy said, essentially, That Was Fucked Up. But he then changes his mind and tells Tommy he agrees.*

*I feel like I explicitly remember Wilbur saying he agreed with Exile in a certain point at a stream but I rewatched a bit and didn’t see it when I was expecting to. I still need to rewatch it all but I may be wrong on this wording?? Nonetheless he expresses Dream is right and that he’s in prison because he dared to be a challenge.

So from the non-Tommy people that know Dream hasn’t recieved backlash for Exile, to his face or about him or otherwise.

In general, this is understandable because Tommy has barely processed the extent of the trauma and abuse himself (I don’t think he’s even used the word abuse yet? I think he’s called it manipulation and has used trauma) and not many people know. And as I went through before, the people who do know don’t Know Everything or they still haven’t really done anything to acknowledge Dream as the abuser.

But recently, with the prison plotline and the torture plotline where Dream is suffering, and where he might possibly be broken out and given a healing arc or even redemption, that’s pretty uncomfortable to me.

That creates sympathy for him and puts him in a vilnerable siruation.

That’s fine and natural to sympathize with someone in a situation like him; I kind of feel guilty I don’t. It’s fine for characters to sympathize and it’s fine for viewers, etc.

But it’s uncomfortable, to me, because it’s not Dream in his entirety that’s being treated nicely. It’s a version of Dream who hasn’t done all he did in exile because people don’t know what he did. Their perception of him is without that act of cruelty and in my opinion, torture. The audience knows; characters don’t.

Fine, if the characters learn what happened, they can still break him out, they can still help him recover mentally, if that’s what they want to do. But if they don’t have that knowledge, to the audience watching and knowing what they don’t, it brings about a sense of injustice.

It’s like the fandom is at the risk of moving on from Exile because in the story, it’s really brought up by nothing but Tommy’s trauma responses?

I lied. As I get further I’m getting more aware I’m actually terrible at this putting this all into words. While knowing abuse is abuse and both Dream and Tommy should have help for their trauma:

It just feels cruel for an abuser not to be properly known as an abuser and receive sympathy or empathy from characters who’ve treated the abuse victim without sympathy or empathy, even if they didn’t know.

I worded so much of this badly lmaooo my bad

TLDR: I think it’s off-putting to see Dream being given sympathy as an abuse victim when we haven’t seen him really acknowledged as an abuser.

i’m gonna be .. opening my heart for the first time in public, about personal stuff -- since it’s new years, and i want to write that chapter of my life, to let 2020 take all it’s ugliness and keep it there -- never repeat again ! so i’m going to. i need to. the first step is self consciousness, the second is opening the cage - and i need to work on it, and i wish to get better! so this is part of my life story, and i think i’m okay writing this as there only 2 people following this blog that know me outside of it, and the rest are strangers.

i was bullied during my childhood. i was bullying continuously for more than 12 years straight, since kindergarden to high school. i was talked bad about, used, spat at, bullied by entire school, had my hair pulled, harassed and even beat up -- the moments i remember the most were of verbal abuse. this made me develop social anxiety at age of 10 and think of going to better place from then on - and i lost my self consciousness. i’d see the world as pure evil, with me being the only victim, id always stare at the ground.. during the last year of high school, i regained my self consciousness by mistake, i took a life-changing step that led me to fighting against my mental disability without even my awareness, and i thank everyday for that -- i dont know where i would be today without it. the regain of my self consciousness made me be able to stage my confidence and raise my chest up, to the point that people could never tell theres something wrong beneath it -- and i made friends at military, work.. and today, even in my academy.

this year i started studying in an academy for the first time, and made good cheerful  impression. everyone seem to find liking to me and even come to my dms just to talk or know what they missed during class. -- its the first ever school experience since those years of bullying, the very first time id spend a school year without getting bullied, and everyone being so loving .... and those memories come back, and they repeat again and again. before this year, i’d have a panic attack once in few months, and those were more triggered by completely different things.. but today, i think of the bullying, and although these guys give me so much happiness - i think of it, i get panic attacks every day now for 3 months, every hour -- my body is so weak from its fight or flight responses, i end up needing to sleep several times a day to keep going. -- and all i want today is to be normal, to be able to comminucate with society like a normal person, to be able to keep connections with people even here without suddenly deleting my chat or social platforms, because i get uncontrollable imageries of the worst cases if i wont cut connections once in a while.

this year made me learn more about myself. when i thought my self consciousness given me finally full control of these events of past, that was never the case, and i am seeing it now by my body’s reaction. i kept wondering how come i got over so many bad aspects that were involved with my anxiety: such as, being able to go to the store alone, walking near people my age on the same side of the road, looking up, being able to answer my phone (my biggest achievement!), but barely any improvement of me talking in chat platforms such as discord. i learned that i have pstd that i wasnt aware of, and it highly resolves around my ability to use chat platforms, as 3 major events happened through it that affected my life. it will be more work done to finally recover from that too than simply decreasing the anxiety.

so for this year, i wish to get better. i wish to be able to seek professional help so i could communicate normally with the people i love very much. for this year i wish to hang out in there, to survive, and to reach peace with my heart. for this year, i want to grow stronger, and become a part of everyone. this year, i hope to give my past the greatest battle yet.

happy new 2021 year, and i hope you all would hang in there too, if we just would like -- we can do about anything. i love you all a lots. ❤️

parents will traumatize you then complain about being inconvenienced by your trauma 🤔

*inhales*

I just realized...

If Owo had a blog or something then..she would post trauma art and things like that and holy heck she’s gonna be those actuallytraumatized people huh?

I ain't too good at expressing stuff unless it's with my body.

Fuck.

Blitz understood that. He understood that far, far too well. The words hit like blows.

When Angel knelt so as not to loom over him, it had quieted him. He went still, watching him, on the verge of breaking--but only on the verge. Blitz didn't know what it was about this guy that made him so easy to open up to--maybe a sense of shared suffering? That they had enough in common, they could understand? Because Angel sure as fuck seemed to immediately get it, to get everything Blitz said, even the shit he only halfway explained.

The imp stepped in closer, trusting him.

He hated this. Hated crying in front of anyone. As far as imps went, Blitz was peak masculinity and beauty rolled into one; he wasn't the type who was supposed to cry. He shouldn't be broken. He shouldn't be so deeply fucking flawed. But he was, and he hated it, and was ashamed of it, ashamed of so much--

Only, when Angel looked at him like he understood? The shame didn't cut quite as deeply.

"Yeah," Blitz agreed, nodding. He swallowed hard and wiped quickly at his eyes, trying to put on a bright smile. "Yeah, you can fucking kiss me."

It was probably safer for both of them if they communicated through the physical, if they danced around the truth. Because while Angel cared about what happened to him, Blitz didn't. If he died, he died. He'd be away from all of this. He'd be free. He wouldn't be trapped anymore, he wouldn't have to think or feel, he could just be free, and so he was willing, absolutely willing, to risk death if he could help his friend. If Valentino needed an ass-beating, if that would get him to lighten up on Angel? It was worth risking everything for--because really, what was there to lose?

I would risk everything to help you, Blitz thought, golden eyes burning fiercely as he studied this friend he had never expected, never looked for. You're worth it. And if in the end we were both free? Even if that meant I couldn't see you anymore? That would be worth it, too.

Someday, one of them was going to be happy. He clenched his fists, determining that. Someday. And it was going to be Angel. Whatever it took, Blitz was going to find a way to help him.

"Yeah, but the fuckin' difference is yeh' could die, Blitz!" His voice strained, not wanting to interrupt the other, but that was it, wasn't it? If Blitzo were to die, then Angel didn't know what would happen. He didn't know what happened if hellborns, or imps, or goetia, or anyone else that wasn't a sinner were to actively die in Hell. He could double die, sure, and he would cease to exist. Or as far as they knew. But he could be killed, and still regenerate. With few exceptions.

He wanted to go off about this, but he was floored by what the imp was saying to him. He had known a lot about Blitzo since they had first met, but there were still things neither of them had shared with the other. While Angel had yet to explain that Valentino literally beat the ever-loving shit out of him, Blitzo had not mentioned this very important piece of his life. Leaving Angel absolutely stunned, mismatched hues wide.

"Please don't march in and beat the shit out of Val." He mumbled, going down to his knees in front of the other. He knew there was the whole don't talk to short people this way blah blah bullshit, but he wanted to be on Blitz' level for this. He wanted to meet him eye to eye, and tell him he understood. Sitting his butt back on folded legs, he opened his mouth, ready to say that he got it, that he was there for him, that he wasn't going -

"Can ah' kiss yeh'?" Well damn, that....that wasn't in the plan. He hadn't had much of a plan to begin with, but that had blurted out far too easily, blushing slightly and glancing away. "Ah' mean, ah' get if yeh' don't wanna, but all of that....ah' get it. Ah' understand it. Ah' empathize with it. Ah' ain't too good at expressin' stuff unless it's wit' mah' body, but right now ah' just....ah' really wanna just cup yeh' face and kiss yeh'...."

"What in Hell would possess you to neuter yourself?"

Putting this one under a cut and adding a trigger warning for SA & trauma:

"My father sold me like, multiple fucking times when I was a child. And a teenager. And maybe you don't know about the whole birds and the bees thing, but let me tell you, when you're not a willing fucking participant and years later someone tells you oh yeah, remember that one time? Yeah I had a kid. What do you mean what happened to him, I dumped his ass in the Pit. Kind of inspires you to just never--

"I don't--

"I don't want to father any more children. Even the fucking thought of it..." Blitz frowned and shook his head, looking out the window for a long, long time before he finally looked back at Parak. "What happened to me wasn't a one and done thing where it just traumatizes you one fucking time and then you get to forget it. That shit? Never is. For any of us. But when there's a fucking kid involved? It hurts. Every time you think about it. It just... fuck. I don't--

"My kid is almost twenty-two. He's fourteen years younger than me. And every time I think about it, I remember all the shit I didn't want. The fucking hands. The smug look on my dad's fucking face when I'd come home." Blitz looked the same as ever--tense and relaxed at once, angry and careless--but his hands were in tight fists where he had them tucked in against his chest, and his breathing was a little shallower, tighter. Controlled--too controlled. Controlled, because if he didn't keep himself together, he'd fall the fuck apart whenever this shit came up, and Blitz was tired of that. He was so tired of a monster from the past still being able to affect him now. It was bullshit. It always had been and it always would be--

But it being bullshit didn't erase the scars or ease the worst part of it all, the part he could never bring himself to vocalize to anyone: the shame. The deep, choking sense of shame, as if it was somehow his fault, as if it always had been. Logic couldn't ease that shame away. Knowing it wasn't his fault couldn't make it feel any less embarrassing, any less humiliating. So, his face burned, his stomach felt tight, and his heart felt like it was stuttering, but he just kept his gaze fixed out the window.

[context for curious readers who didn't pick it up in his headcanon posts, but Blitz had a vasectomy a long, long time ago, and has no plans to ever reverse it. it's not something he is open to negotiating on, and i as a roleplayer will not be playing any "accidents" happening. Blitz still uses condoms, every time.]

It's okay, I'll be here for you to use until you get bored ☺️

Might just fucking end it (or try to, again). I don't have anyone to stay alive for anymore and they clearly didn't need me to begin with. I'm such an idiot to think I could ever be wanted, I'm completely alone again, there's nothing for me here