Sh Shit - Tumblr Posts

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Tw: slight mention of sa and sh

How often do I have to say no until you accept it?? How fucking often? Because I said it so many times, stop it. No. No. Nonononono. Why do you keep going? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am just trying to exist!

Why is it so terrible hard to just exist? Why is always everyone trying to make it so much worse? I just want to relapse. I just want to cut myself open. I want to see the blood. I want to feel the pain. I just want to stop thinking.

Is it so bad? Is it so bad that I am trying to survive? To shut my brain up? Is it so bad that I am not able to stop?

Tw: mention of sh

How is it possible that I am always the second choice?

How? I made one new friend, one, on this whole fucking camp and my best friend, who has made friends with almost everyone here, is now his first choice?

I tried so hard, I got so far, I even fu king made a friend and now that he spends 2 hours with my best friend and me together, he choose him.

I know I'm not enough, but, I thought I could spend some more time with him before he left too.

Why doesn't anyone stay? Am I really this bad of a person? Am I really that unlovable? I just wanted a friend.

Now I have noone, noone, and he has everyone again. Why am I always looking everything to him?

I don't want to relapse again. I don't want to, really. I should be happy for them, but I just can't be. It's do hard not to cut.

All I can think about is the relive that comes when I see the blood pour out and the pain in my body overwriting the pain in my mind.

I just want to cut, just a tiny bit, just enough to pull myself together again. Please? Just to feel something else. Just to forget.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I need to, please help, fuck, please?

I can't do this anymore. I just want a little comfort, just something to ground me, please?

Tw: drugs, sh, suicide

I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.

It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.

I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.

Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.

I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.

I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.

Tw: mention of sh and sa

Randomly remembered that one time I met up with this guy from the internet and it was great and we talked about sa and when I got home he texted me that I am awesome but he doesn't want any contact anymore.

Which is totally fine and his choice and like yes, bro, set boundaries! But I just cried in his arms and thought he understood me and it came as a surprise.

This stocked on everything else I self harmed and had to go to the hospital at 9 pm for stitches, turns out I also cut open one of my arteries and my dad had to pick me up from the hospital at 3 am because they let me wait and cry for 5 hours before then judging me for self harming.

My dad cried that day, he never really cries. I felt very bad.

But the actual question is, why am I thinking about this right now?

Tw: sh

Sudden urge to cut myself open...

Blade beside me I'm just side eying it...

I want to feel anything else than this...

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Tw: scars

I'm feeling bad about my scars...

They are so ugly and just gross.

Not.scars overall, just mine. Just because they are on my body.

I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that my scars are a part of me and beautiful. That they don't change anything.

I want my scars to be kissed with gentle lips to be handled with care but also to not be acknowledged at all?

I want kisses all over my scars. To show love and tenderness? To make me feel whole.

Tw: sh

I want to swallow the glass splinters that I am using for art right now. I want to to feel it cut open my throat and fill it with blood.

It just looks so crunchy. So tasty. Just made to be eaten. Just a tiny piece won't hurt, right?