Tw: Mention Of Sh And Sa

Tw: mention of sh and sa

Randomly remembered that one time I met up with this guy from the internet and it was great and we talked about sa and when I got home he texted me that I am awesome but he doesn't want any contact anymore.

Which is totally fine and his choice and like yes, bro, set boundaries! But I just cried in his arms and thought he understood me and it came as a surprise.

This stocked on everything else I self harmed and had to go to the hospital at 9 pm for stitches, turns out I also cut open one of my arteries and my dad had to pick me up from the hospital at 3 am because they let me wait and cry for 5 hours before then judging me for self harming.

My dad cried that day, he never really cries. I felt very bad.

But the actual question is, why am I thinking about this right now?

What the fuck? Why am I like this? Honestly? Why do I always feel terrible right after I feel okay. Every time I think things are getting better, they get so much worse.

Give me some peace God dammit, fuck this!

It's such a weird feeling to give my mother all the love and compassion that I would have wanted as a child.

I tell her that it's not her fault and that she is doing her best and that it's more than enough.

I give her forhead kisses when sending her to sleep and remind her not to overwork herself.

It's... it's nice seeing her get the love she deserves but it also makes me want to cry, because why couldn't she have given the same to me?

Tw: suicide

Fuck this. I love my friends so much, I really do and I want to help them but I am also just a human??

I talked out so many of my friends. So many of them are alive right now because I could put my own stuff aside for a few hours.

The last 5 days, I stayed up nearly every night all night because one of my friends just won't stop trying to kill himself.

Either do it or go into the fucking ward again??

Just stop it please??

Stop ignoring the advice you asked for? What the fuck? I've been triggered so many times in the past few days because I constantly hear

Oh yeah, I took 8 pills today and feel dizzy as fuck.

Oh yeah, I took pills and drank so much alcohol.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna jump off a bridge now.

Oh yeah, I'll cut open my veins and bleed out.

Okay, fuck this. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORW.

I am sorry, I'm just trying to survive myself.

Tw: mention of sh relapse

Fuckkkkkk

I relapsed. Ahhhhh, why??? Why the fuck am I so weak? Fuck this. I hate this. Why can't I change???

What the actual fuck?

And I still want more. More. Moremoremoremore.

Please?

I want someone to love me. I want someone who likes spending time with me and thinks of me and texts me and maybe calls me sometimes.

I want to feel loved and valued and wanted. I want cute thrifting dates, pottery painting and aquarium visits.

I want silly little cuddle sessions before one of us has to leave. I want to stay a little longer because you want me to.

I don't think I deserve it, but it would be so nice to just feel good about myself at one point...