It's Such A Weird Feeling To Give My Mother All The Love And Compassion That I Would Have Wanted As A

It's such a weird feeling to give my mother all the love and compassion that I would have wanted as a child.

I tell her that it's not her fault and that she is doing her best and that it's more than enough.

I give her forhead kisses when sending her to sleep and remind her not to overwork herself.

It's... it's nice seeing her get the love she deserves but it also makes me want to cry, because why couldn't she have given the same to me?

Why am I crying again? Ahhhhhh! All I would need right now is a hug and and a shoulder to cry on.

Why? What the fuck?

Tw: sh

Someone tell me how to survive without destroying myself?

I seem to only live through the pain I inflict on myself.

Tw: tiny mention of sh

I am feeling good, but... well... I want to relapse so bad.

It's a paradox, every time I'm feeling better I do something to make it worse...

Tw: mention of sh

I wish I could curl up and sleep forever. I really need some rest. I just want a break from all of this.

I want to cry in his arms and be held until I fall asleep. I want to wake up, my head buried in the crook of his neck and feel safe.

Or I could relapse, that is like a really satisfying feeling. Just slicing through skin and seeing the beautiful blood that seeps out of my fresh wounds.

God it's hard to stay sober😭

When I'm talking to my older sisters or parents the funiest things always come up.

We were talking about me starting university soon and if I shouldn't just start working instead and I was like but I always wanted to be a psychologist and my sister was like, no, you wanted to drive a car and be a dad.

And that's true, I can remember, but I am afab. I am a trans man and as I child I was like, okay, I wanna be a dad and it's so funny how long it took me to figure out that I am trans.