Schizo Spectrum - Tumblr Posts

btw shout out to people with disorders that are stigmatized as dangerous killers who actually have homicidal thoughts and urges. people with DID, ASPD, schizospec disorders and psychosis, ect. you're not perpetuating stereotypes or ableist by existing and having your personal experience and anyone who blames you for that is an asshole. take care.

How I have forgotten that I have schizophrenia and why realistic representation of schizophrenia matters

So lately I've been feeling quite anxious about life and death and the universe, and I have some hypochondriac tendencies.

"Wow I would think I am going to die! But on the other hand I think I am going to die at least 3 times a week"

And today I thought, could I have ADHD? And I read through the criteria and I realised I do relate to them a lot, it matches. But then I thought: maybe a should actually read a little about the diagnosis I already have which are autism and schizophrenia and suddenly it all clicked!

I had sort of "undiagnosed" myself with schizophrenia because things actually got better, I am on antipsychotic medication which works for me, and the antidepressants help a lot with my mood.

But the thing is, there are 3 categories of schizophrenia symptoms:

Positive symptoms (hallucinations, paranoia, delusions, experiences that are added to the person due to schizophrenia)

Negative symptoms (depression like symptoms, experiences that are taken away from the person due to schizophrenia i.e. the feeling of joy and enjoyment due to anhedonia)

Cognitive symptoms (executive dysfunction, concentration problems, disorganised thinking etc.)

The antipsychotics make the hallucinations and delusions manageable, I am actually not at all bothered by them (remember not everyone will react to medication the same way, and medication is not for everyone but it works for me).

And the antidepressants take away the depression like negative symptoms which I struggled with A LOT.

And I kind of thought 'now I am cured!'

But I absolutely forgot about the cognitive symptoms.

I live in a place where there is understanding staff and everyone here have different issues so it's a very accepting place but I forget that society's outlook on schizophrenia still affects me, without even realising that I was affected. Society views schizophrenic people as dangerous and freaks at worst and as if schizophrenia is ONLY delusions and hallucinations at (in my experience) best. And since I couldn't resonate with either of those views it lead me to 'undiagnose' myself with schizophrenia.

THIS is why we need proper representation of schizophrenia in society, I understand now.

Stims that bother others, what is acceptable and what is not?

Lately I have experienced that when I rock back and forth or flap my hands or can't control my volume or talk about my special interests a lot people around me get quite annoyed. I do not want to hurt anyone and I value community a lot but I am unsure of whether it's ableist or not. Can rocking back and forth be a harmful stim if it annoys or stresses out the people around you? If so does anyone have an idea of how to redirect it? Does anyone have any idea of how control the volume of your voice when people around you are tired and want quiet? And I don't know how I can stop talking about my special interest.

I don't know if what I am experiencing is ableism or not, I just don't want to annoy or hurt anyone, but no matter how hard I try I still do, it's like I have to keep myself under a microscope all of the time and it's making me psychotic (I have schizophrenia and autism) it's like no matter what I do it's not right, I seem to annoy people just by existing.

Yeah there's no hot take in this post merely a question I want answered by other autistic and/or schizophrenic people. What do yall think?

Psychosis and religion: don't dismiss psychotic people's religious beliefs

Tw: mentions of christianity and atheism and religious psychosis

I encourage discussion and please add on your experience or your thoughts but remember to be kind, if I said something wrong please correct me in a civil way, I know that I don't do and say everything right, and am eager to learn.

I am religious, and I want to study theology and become a priest (I know a lot of folks have religious trauma but remember not all religious people are like the religious people who hurt you, give me a chance) and my biggest fear is that people will not want to listen to me or will dismiss my religious beliefs because I have schizophrenia, or that people will think that my beliefs are due to my psychosis or that they'll use my psychosis against me or believe me less. Most folks here seem to have trauma from christianity, I though have bad experiences with atheism (i dont know if i have the right to call it trauma). The people I grew up with would literally say that religious people were just psychotic or delusional (which was the wrong use of the word, which is using the words "psychotic" or "delusional" as derogatory terms which stigmatises actually psychotic people) and the people I grew up with would often use my psychosis against me. And also the atheists i grew up with would have what I call "atheist superiority complex" where they would express that they were superior or more intelligent than religious people simply because they were atheist (not all atheists are like that). My psychosis was used against me and my religious beliefs.

Psychotic people have a right to religion just as much as any other person, and each psychotic person just like any other person have formed their beliefs in their own way, they have their own spiritual experiences and their own (valid) reasons to believing what they believe.

And for some reason people assume that when you're psychotic and religious that your psychosis must be religious psychosis. But as an example my psychosis doesn't evolve around my religion at all. Honestly I feel most detached from God when I am psychotic, to me my psychosis is a godforsaken place. BUT even if you do have religious psychosis you still have the right to religion, even if your religious beliefs were formed by your psychosis. Because religious beliefs are formed by YOUR life experience, and YOUR spiritual experience and if you're a person who experiences psychosis, psychosis is part of your life experience.

If you are psychotic and religious your religious beliefs are valid.

Let people be annoying

I think we would come a long way as a society if we were better at handling being annoyed. And being annoying is also tied into societal norms, and it is really about changing societal norms.

Being more tolerant of annoyance would help a lot of people. Like the autistic person who's flapping their hands or doing auditory stimming, or the schizophrenic person talking to themselves or who doesn't make sense.

I think specifically it would benefit the disability rights battle a lot.

Because its the same annoyance as when I child cries on the train, or the old person who has to ask you to repeat yourself all the time.

Tolerating annoyance by being understandable of the fact that that behaviour happens for a reason is kindness.

Schizophrenia: too many connections

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist or a professional, I am simply describing my experience and how I view my schizophrenia

Tw: description of the process of psychosis

I am open to discussing this and if I say anything wrong you are welcome to correct me, remember to be kind.

I have noticed that it seems as though to me schizophrenia is that there are too many connections, and I have noticed that through looking closely at the "prodromal stage" to my psychosis, because my psychosis doesn't just usually come out of nowhere, there is a buildup and it goes like this:

Trigger: this is where a trigger to a psychotic thought comes in, it may be that someone says something along the lines of: "what if psychotic people see the actual reality" or "I am in your walls" (be so kind as to not say that to a psychotic person). To me it is that I think that people are hinting at the fact that they hate me, usually through critique of something that is an inner part of my core.

Anxiety: this is starting to worry about something that is tangential to what your psychosis usually revolves around. For me it is social anxiety, where I start worrying that I do everything wrong or miss the social cues or I say something wrong or offend someone or do something embarrassing etc. This is where you start connecting things.

Confusion: this is where the psychosis starts to kick in, this is the worsening of cognitive symptoms. You start forgetting things and you get distracted and it starts getting harder to talk and make sense in general. You start getting a whole bunch of epiphanies and aha moments, where things feel like they suddenly make sense and you might start getting quite philosophical and get good ideas and become creative. But I think the confusion is due to the fact that your reality starts swaying from the common reality and you keep thinking about this one thing that your psychosis revolves around and you're really distracted by it, the common reality is suddenly unimportant.

Paranoia: suddenly everything makes sense, you've figured it out, and you are quite sure that the connection you've made is the right one and you're going with it.

The thing is though that that connection isn't even there. I think that schizophrenic people make too many connections and have a hard time prioritising which connection makes the most sense. There is too much information but also a lack of ability to prioritise what makes sense.

Do you relate? Does this make sense? Please add your input.

A world not made for me: on masking

It is perfectly understandable that neurodivergent people mask, however they can, however much they can. It is greatly encouraged by most neurotypicals and one would think that medical professionals would be exempt from it, that they would understand and read the latest research, but no they also encourage masking. And it is horrible honestly, because masking is bad for the neurodivergent persons health, autistic masking can lead to stress, loss of self and even depression and anxiety, yet even medical professionals encourage it. I think that the need to mask stems from ableism, if we lived in a world where neurodivergent communication and expression was accepted or even cherished we wouldn't need ro harm ourselves to mask. Society would rather have people be "normal" rather than happy and thriving.

I am hyperverbal and good at abstract concepts and I don't have an intellectual disability and can articulate myself quite well but only verbally, I also am sensory seeking, I need vestibular and auditory stimulation which makes me flap my hands, rock back and forth and make noises and sing a lot and I have a quite strong need for it, and I can't mask it. I am although lucky that I can advocate for myself, but that means I have to argue against a team of 8 professionals just so I am allowed to be myself and literally not hurt myself. And I can imagine how hard it must be for nonverbal autistic people or intellectually disabled autistic people. Why must I study rhetoric and argumentation to just be allowed to express myself in the way that comes naturally to me? I find it very unfair.

And the worst part may be, that no matter how hard I argue or disagree with this approach I am not immune to the influence, the society I live in, has on me. Constantly being told that the way one exists is wrong has its toll. Because one really internalises this message. For me it led to the theme of my delusion and paranoia.

Tw: description of delusion and paranoia starts

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For me I experience that I am a glitch in the universe, that I, quite mechanically and physically, should not have existed. This is not said in a metaphorical way, and that the universe is trying to get rid of me however possible, including what my paranoia revolves around, which Is that people are trying to manipulate me into suicide by isolating me and driving me crazy.

___________________________________________

End tw

And this is how my autism and schizophrenia are connected.

I hope one day we'll live in a non ableist world, but meanwhile I will fight for my right to be myself, because I think it's worth it. Neurodivergent expression is beautiful and worth it.

On being annoying, being a burden and being disabled and how it may relate to hyper individualism in Western society

Disclaimer, these are MY thoughts, I am not a philosopher or sociologist, I simply want to share my thoughts and discuss it with other people, I welcome discussion just remember to be nice and civil about it.

I have been thinking a lot about disability, annoyance and being a burden. It seems to me like most of what people consider annoying about disabled people is that they often don't/can't follow the norms of the society they live in. I will mostly only talk about autism and schizophrenia because that's the disabilities I have experience with. As an example, neurotypical people will often be annoyed by the way an autsitic person moves, I.e. rocking, flapping, jumping etc. None of these behaviours most of the time hurt the neurotypical person, they can simply look away, yet because it is not normal (here I define normal as not following the societal norms) the neurotypical person is annoyed. The neurotypical person doesn't analyse the situation, doesn't analyse that the autistic person needs to do these things to regulate. Norms keep us from having to analyse situations, norms are a shortcut to make life for most* people less hard (except it makes life for the rest really hard) it's a sacrifice of those who do not fit the norm for the sake of those who do.

Now, about being a burden: really when one is a burden, one really just needs help from other people. I think this term, applied to people, is quite a hyper individualist term. Because people are supposed to be burdensome, we are supposed to help eachother and really it is a reflection of the fact that we do care, and that we do love. It is hard to see your loved ones or any other person suffer and need help because we empathise.

I think a lot of disabled people who need help every day, have experienced the feeling of being a burden and a lot of disabled people who don't follow the norms have a perpetual feeling of being annoying. But I think this is a reflection of living in a hyper individualist society, where we should be able to handle everything on our own.

What do you think? You're welcome to add your thoughts I am quite interested in this topic.

Sources?! Well this is not very believable but these thoughts come from reading a whole bunch of philosophy and theology (oh boy, theology is not only about learning cool ways to be Conservative?! /joke) and applying it to my everyday experiences. I can mention Judith Butler and Christian Hjorthkær.

Also I am afraid of the philosophy tag, it's very scary

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