Autistic Masking - Tumblr Posts

i feel especially feel this in college i feel like a loser

I’m stuck masking forever and don’t know how to get out of this situation

I’ve been masking for so long that my parents think that’s how I naturally act. This means that if I attempt to relax and be myself for even one second, they think I’m being annoying, attention seeking, or lazy.

I want to stim whenever I want. I want to wear headphones in public when it’s too loud for me. No, I don’t care if it makes me “look disabled” because I AM disabled.

I need help with things, but I don’t get help. Daily tasks like getting dressed, making lunch, and even brushing my teeth are hard for me because of severe executive dysfunction. My mom says that stuff happens to everyone. But I’m pretty sure she’s never been in pain because she’s hungry but doesn’t have enough spoons to be able to eat.

I don’t know how I ended up masking this much, but I hate it. I’ve finally learned how to stop, but I’m not allowed to.

In terms of high school posting, i feel so disconnected from posts about stories with makeup and friendships and parties and cliques and stereotypical goofy drama because I never had a gaggle of friends to gossip to about that shit. But I'm also too disconnected from posts about hardass rebelling, emo problems, loud music and "shut up mom, I'm brooding!". Getting into fights and getting arrested and running away from home and purposely being a loner.

I can relate to the posts about being bullied, but that's it. And sometimes, not even then because it's about someone being too geeky and nerdy and smart. Or talking about being weird but "omg he likes anime" weird, or good old "pretending to be a cat" weird, not "there isn't even a stereotypical label to describe them" weird.

I was emo and a geek and had a cat phase but nobody cared about that, they cared about treating me like shit because I was weird weird, and lacked social skills and was confused on how to human, which turned out to be because of autism mixed with undiagnosed mental health problems.

I never see any relatable 'tism/ND posting about being the weird kid,

Who has maybe two equally weird/labeled by the school as "developmentally disabled" friends (probably should have been a sign for me that I was different since neurodivergent people tend to gravitate toward other neurodivergent people),

That gets taken advantage of by the "normal" "cool" people,

That isn't really aware of social cues, social standards, or social cliques- basically anything that has societal rules

Who doesn't get into real crushes or relationship stuff that isn't exploitation (or ND dating where nothing happens except awkward hangouts),

Who doesn't really get anything ever and moves through school on autopilot, trying to figure stuff on our own bc we don't want to look incapable and ask for help but then we end up super behind and everyone labels you as lazy and "dumb",

Who tries to do things that might get attention bc we don't understand how to interact, but usually ends up with negative responses,

That then holes up inside with our personal hyperfixations in the hope we stop being noticed, but now we're known as the idiot weirdo so we have "no choice" but to be picked on bc we made it known we aren't normal,

And our anguish is seen as dramatic or not serious enough because we're too "stupid" to be depressed, so we're seen as even more of a joke than emos, even by emos,

And aren't officially diagnosed with the 'tism or any other neurodivergency (mostly because "people with autism are smart and you're failing your classes and dont understand anything ever" stereotype) for anybody to be fake nice and pity this "stupidity " of ours, via specific school and social worker orders.

So if you were or are one of those kids, this one is for you. Shout out to all my neurodivergent friends who feel like they can't relate to any posts about crazy high school stories, because yall masked or interacted the wrong way and it made people bully or abandon you , while you sat wondering what the hell you did so wrong. And because you don't or didn't do the stigmatized versions of being weird, something "must" be actually wrong with you because you're even more hated than if you put "cat girl", "anime guy", and "emo bitch" all together.

(Esp to afabs, since doctors were and are still very insistent to not diagnose us with autism and we're usually the ones that get no sympathy as a result because we're just psycho weird girlies to everyone else)

*BTW not knocking or competing with anybody that has the stereotypical tropes of being bullied, this is just a shout out to people who NEVER get noticed*

I am so much more social when I'm not masking but I'm also such an over sharer. like this dude I met today doesn't need to know about my mental problems TT

going to work after a weekend completely unmasked at anthrocon is difficult. like, what do you mean I have to have dull conversations with eye contact and no fidgeting??

no :)

i will mask so people think i’m “normal” so i don’t get bullied, therefore making my life a living hell. but hey, at least i won’t get called retarded!

dear autistics: please use your accommodations

A world not made for me: on masking

It is perfectly understandable that neurodivergent people mask, however they can, however much they can. It is greatly encouraged by most neurotypicals and one would think that medical professionals would be exempt from it, that they would understand and read the latest research, but no they also encourage masking. And it is horrible honestly, because masking is bad for the neurodivergent persons health, autistic masking can lead to stress, loss of self and even depression and anxiety, yet even medical professionals encourage it. I think that the need to mask stems from ableism, if we lived in a world where neurodivergent communication and expression was accepted or even cherished we wouldn't need ro harm ourselves to mask. Society would rather have people be "normal" rather than happy and thriving.

I am hyperverbal and good at abstract concepts and I don't have an intellectual disability and can articulate myself quite well but only verbally, I also am sensory seeking, I need vestibular and auditory stimulation which makes me flap my hands, rock back and forth and make noises and sing a lot and I have a quite strong need for it, and I can't mask it. I am although lucky that I can advocate for myself, but that means I have to argue against a team of 8 professionals just so I am allowed to be myself and literally not hurt myself. And I can imagine how hard it must be for nonverbal autistic people or intellectually disabled autistic people. Why must I study rhetoric and argumentation to just be allowed to express myself in the way that comes naturally to me? I find it very unfair.

And the worst part may be, that no matter how hard I argue or disagree with this approach I am not immune to the influence, the society I live in, has on me. Constantly being told that the way one exists is wrong has its toll. Because one really internalises this message. For me it led to the theme of my delusion and paranoia.

Tw: description of delusion and paranoia starts

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For me I experience that I am a glitch in the universe, that I, quite mechanically and physically, should not have existed. This is not said in a metaphorical way, and that the universe is trying to get rid of me however possible, including what my paranoia revolves around, which Is that people are trying to manipulate me into suicide by isolating me and driving me crazy.

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End tw

And this is how my autism and schizophrenia are connected.

I hope one day we'll live in a non ableist world, but meanwhile I will fight for my right to be myself, because I think it's worth it. Neurodivergent expression is beautiful and worth it.