Just Okay - Tumblr Posts

It’s going okay

Objectively I have a great life: I am comfortable, loved, and have a job I enjoy. I am getting married. I am looking forward to the future.

Honestly all that is wonderful but it becomes part of a horrible spiral in my mind sometimes. I am not well. The anxious voices in my mind are debilitating at times. It’s better than it was, but it’s still there. And remembering how lucky I am should help but sometimes it just becomes guilt.

I am learning to accept that. I am feeling awful, and it is okay for me to feel awful, or is okay for me to lie down and cry even if there is nothing objectively wrong. My head is just a bad place to be at times.

It’s scarier to screw up something you’ve done a million times before than to screw up something new. Maybe that’s why I’ve been doing better lately. When stuff gets screwed up, it’s because I’m a baby adult who barely knows what to do. Because there’s still people saying “let me help you with that.” You’re new. Let me help carry the load. It makes some things easier. It makes standing on my own a little harder because I have trouble saying no.

I’m doing okay. I cried for half an hour tonight because I felt like my head was going to split open if I didn’t. I’m not even anxious about stuff, I’m just anxious.

I’m doing okay. I’ve got reassurance and safety and security. I’ve got someone to hold me when I cry.

Maybe some day I will be better. Maybe someday I won’t walk on eggshells in my own mind, won’t be scared of the little space between my ears where things get twisted til they’re unrecognizable.

Til then I’m doing okay. And that’s okay.