Its Going Okay

It’s going okay

Objectively I have a great life: I am comfortable, loved, and have a job I enjoy. I am getting married. I am looking forward to the future.

Honestly all that is wonderful but it becomes part of a horrible spiral in my mind sometimes. I am not well. The anxious voices in my mind are debilitating at times. It’s better than it was, but it’s still there. And remembering how lucky I am should help but sometimes it just becomes guilt.

I am learning to accept that. I am feeling awful, and it is okay for me to feel awful, or is okay for me to lie down and cry even if there is nothing objectively wrong. My head is just a bad place to be at times.

It’s scarier to screw up something you’ve done a million times before than to screw up something new. Maybe that’s why I’ve been doing better lately. When stuff gets screwed up, it’s because I’m a baby adult who barely knows what to do. Because there’s still people saying “let me help you with that.” You’re new. Let me help carry the load. It makes some things easier. It makes standing on my own a little harder because I have trouble saying no.

I’m doing okay. I cried for half an hour tonight because I felt like my head was going to split open if I didn’t. I’m not even anxious about stuff, I’m just anxious.

I’m doing okay. I’ve got reassurance and safety and security. I’ve got someone to hold me when I cry.

Maybe some day I will be better. Maybe someday I won’t walk on eggshells in my own mind, won’t be scared of the little space between my ears where things get twisted til they’re unrecognizable.

Til then I’m doing okay. And that’s okay.

There’s something about the story of Orpheus and Eurydice that’s held my soul in a vise gripe since I saw Hadestown

And I think it’s the fact that the story is of course, devastating, but it doesn’t mean anything

Not to say that it’s meaningless, but that so many other stories in mythology are used to explain natural phenomena or take down histories or tell cautionary tales about what happens when you mess with the gods

No, in this case, it’s just a tale of two people who loved each other, and would go to the ends of the earth to save one another. It wasn’t about destiny or being forced down some awful path or making terrible mistakes and being filled with regret. At its core, this is just a story about love, in it’s most human vulnerability and strength.

I mean, think about someone you love. Doesn’t even have to be a romantic partner. I know, in my absolute core, that I would go to the ends of the earth and back and around again for my partner. I’d die for my sister. I’d live for my dog.

Sure, Orpheus walks the lonely road to hell and nearly makes it back. And maybe, sometime in history, there was a man named Orpheus who loved his wife and when she was taken from him, he followed, in one way or another, never to return. It’s not vengeance. It’s not destiny. In a way, it’s not even valor or chivalry or bravery. It’s just love. At its core, it’s just love. And maybe the people left behind honored that by telling their story.

So it is a sad song, an old tale. And we sing it again and again, because we hope that if someday we have to follow our lives into hell with no hope of returning, there will be some vestige of our love left behind.

So if I am remembered for anything, thousands of years after I have gone, let it be for my love.

I was here, and I loved, and I left with love, and I didn’t get to come back, so sing my song, in my absence, with love.

Good morning to all five of my friends there were two (2) dogs on the train and also a tortoise in a pink basket wrapped in a plush blanket and it made my day that is all thank you have a nice day

Random mansion generator

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Books that changed the way my brain works:

Psalm for the Wild Built, Becky Chambers

The Anthropocene Reviewed, John Green

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

Underland, Robert Macfarlane

The Once and Future Witches, Alix E. Harrow

Beartown, Fredrik Backman

A Man Called Ove, Fredrik Backman

There’s definitely more, these are just the ones I could remember in a few minutes

More on these to come I’m sure

Ok so many people are saying things like “this will make room for better science” and like, I agree, but

There’s something really essential and human about having a place in space where we go just to see what happens

There’s something really wonderful about people going up there and getting messages from earth and sending funny videos and over time we’ve seen so many people go up and come down

And it’s one thing to send people up on a little road trip but it’s quite another to say, this will be your home, and this will be your crew, they are from all different places, and the one thing you all have in common is that you looked up and said “someday that will be me” and then you all looked down and said “that is us, and I love it, and we are all nothing and we are all essential”

So yeah the world will get better science and we’ll have a spectacular crash to watch but I hope more than anything that we keep something of the gentle wonderment that came from just, having a place in space where we could all be. Just to watch the stars and grow plants in zero g and look down at the vastness and smallness of earth and love it.

I feel like nobody on Tumblr knows that the international space station is being discontinued.

Did you know that? In less than a decade it will be gone

CNN Link from above screenshot

More detailed article by Space.com