Jujutsu Kaisen Crack - Tumblr Posts

nanami :

megumi :

yuji :

=͟͟͞͞ ⌧ : Ik it’s not valentines but let me be delusional 🥹

your dog did what?!

summary: they react to your dog chewing up used feminine products (feat. gojo, shoko, ino, choso, and nanami)

wc: 1.7k

cw: crack, fluff, reader has a period, kind of gross, use of pet names (sweetheart, babe, love), reader is referred to as "my girl" and wears makeup in nanami's part, swearing, gojo just being overly dramatic

a/n: if you would like to see part two with megumi, nobara, yuuji, and inumaki, or would like to see another part with haikyuu characters, look here to see how you can sponsor it!!! also this entire fic is 10000% @pandora-ophelia-blog's fault (jk ily)

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gojo satoru

“Who’s a sweet boy? Yes, you are! You are! Oooh, what’cha got there, huh? Wanna show daddy?” 

You could hear your boyfriend cooing at your dog in greeting as he stepped through the front door, and you smiled to yourself as you continued reading your book. Then:

“EEEUUUUUGGGGHHHHH WHAT THE FUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK????”

Your boyfriend came hurtling around the corner launching all six feet three inches of himself into your lap, as he pointed accusingly in the direction he came from.

“BABY. YOUR DOG!!! HE-OH MY GOD I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT!”

He gives a full body shudder and clings to you tighter, wrapping his infinity around his foot and using it to keep your dog away from the two of you.

“BEGONE YOU FOUL BEAST!” He made exaggerated gagging sounds. “GET AWAY FROM US!!”

“SATORU!!” You shouted over his panicked screeching. “STOP YELLING.”

“But babeeeee.” He nuzzled into your neck still fending your dog off with a single socked foot. “You don’t even understand what this HORRID creature did.”

“Get off me you stupid lunk.” You push him off your lap, ignoring his indignant squawking, completely over his dramatics. “What could he have possibly done that’s that bad?”

“HE. ATE. A DIRTY TAMPON.” He flops around on the floor like a fish out of water, unable to find a better means of properly expressing his disgust. Your nose scrunches up, and you look down on him with annoyance.

“I mean, yeah it’s gross. But it’s not like he hasn’t done it before? It’s just kind of a thing that some dogs do.”

“WHY ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS???”

Taking advantage of his momentary distraction, your dog leans down and licks your boyfriend's face, dangerously close to his mouth.

“AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

shoko ieri

“We’re returning the dog.” 

You look up from your phone as your girlfriend enters your bedroom, shedding her lab coat. Setting your phone down next to your pillow, you stand and give her a kiss. “Hey. Watch it. That’s our child you’re talking about.”

She huffs, leaning against you as you give her a hug. “Then I assume you haven’t seen it yet.”

“Seen what?” Wordlessly, Shoko takes you by the hand and leads you to the bathroom, opening the door and revealing the state of your bathroom. “This. It looks like shark week in here.”

You choke back a laugh at her phrasing, taking in the disaster that your bathroom currently was. Just then, your nine month old puppy trotted in wagging, excited that his entire family was home. Scooping him up, you press a kiss to the top of his furry head and present him to your girlfriend.

“Just look at him Sho. Can you really look our son in the face and tell him you’re giving him away?” You give her puppy eyes over the top of his head. “Look at how sweet he is! Who’s a good boyo, you are, ahhh I just love you so much!”

She looks at you in exasperation as you coddle and coo at the little bundle of fur, trying and failing to hide the admiration in her eyes. Finally she relents.

“I suppose since you love him so much we can keep him-”

“Yay!!” You dance around the cramped hallway holding the dog up. “You hear that? You get to stay! You know why? Because she looooves us! That’s right! She-”

“But you have to clean this up.”

“Boo.”

ino takuma

Walking out of the grocery store, you accept an incoming facetime from your boyfriend, answering with a smile and a cheerful greeting. “Hey baby, what’s up-”

“My dearest darling girlfriend.” He cuts you off, speaking as soon as you answer and not pausing to listen to what you’re saying. “The love of my life. Could you possibly please explain to me why I came home and our apartment was covered in bloody fabric?”

“What?” Concerned, you stop loading your groceries into your trunk and squint at your phone. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Show me.”

Obediently, he flips the camera, giving you a clear view of the red shreds scattered across the ground. You tell him to bring the camera a little closer, so he does and realization hits you over the head like a sledgehammer.

“Oh…um, so I don’t know how to tell you this…” You hesitate, knowing what you were about to tell him would most likely send Ino into hysterics. “But, uh, those are dirty pads that the dog chewed up…”

The other end of the phone is silent for a solid thirty seconds before he speaks again, surprisingly calm.

 “Say sike right now.”

You wince. “I can’t…”

There’s another moment of silence, and you watch as your boyfriend goes through all the stages of grief in a matter of seconds. Then he takes a deep breath and pulls himself together with a forced smile before hanging up.

“Give me a second babe, I gotta go call Nanamin and ask for some advice.”

choso kamo

You were cuddled up with your boyfriend on the couch after a long day, soaking in the warmth and simple domesticity of the moment when he spoke over the show.

“Earlier today your dog was chewing on something bloody and had made a huge mess so I cleaned it up.” You sit up, pausing your episode. “Cho baby, what?”

He shrugs. “It appeared he had gotten into the bathroom trash can, and at first I wasn’t going to bring it up because it was no big deal, but the more I think about it the more I worry.”

He furrows his brow, his bottom lip jutting out in a slight pout. “That wasn’t all…your blood, was it?” Mistaking the confusion on your face for offense, he backtracks rapidly.

“Not that that would be a problem! I was just concerned because of the quantity of blood. I know it’s not healthy for humans to lose that much blood so I got a little scared. I want to be able to help you if you’re hurt.”

“No baby, I'm not mad.” You reassure him with a soft kiss. “I’m just confused. I don’t know why there would be blood in the trash can, or why the dog would eat it. You said it was the bathroom trash can-oh.”

Suddenly you look embarrassed, fidgeting with your fingers. “Don’t worry about it Cho. It’s no big deal. I’m sorry you had to clean it up. I’ll make sure I secure the trash can better next time.”

“What is it? What’s wrong?” He senses your shift in mood and he doesn’t like it. “Are you okay? Can you at least tell me where the blood came from so I don’t have to worry?”

Haltingly, with your cheeks burning, you explain how a period works to him. Despite knowing that it’s perfectly natural, you couldn’t help but feel a little shy for no reason at all.

“So yeah.” You finish. “That’s what it is. Gross isn’t it…”

Peeking up to gauge his reaction, you notice that he’s staring at you, aghast. 

“That happens…every month?” He looks mildly horrified. “And it hurts you?”

“Well I mean yes, but everyone has to deal with it so it’s really no big deal-”

“And it’s happening to you right now? Why didn’t you tell me?” He looks so heartbroken, your chest hurts. “I just didn’t want to be a bother…”

“You’re not a bother! I want to take care of you! What did you say helped again?”

He leaps up from the couch, muttering as he paced back and forth before planting a quick kiss on the top of your head and running out of your apartment.

“I’ll be right back! I need to go buy some things!”

nanami kento

You’re in your bedroom putting the finishing touches on your makeup when you hear your apartment door open, letting you know that your boyfriend was there to pick you up for your date. 

“Give me one second!” You call out, carefully curling your eyelashes. “I’m almost ready, just doing up my makeup!”

“Erm, darling?” You hear your boyfriend call out from the other room. He sounds a little off. “I hate to disturb you, but can you come here for a second?”

Carefully applying an even coat of mascara to your curled lashes, you get up from your vanity, despite not having finished your highlighter or lip gloss. Knowing your boyfriend he wouldn’t be bothering you unless it was important. Your bare feet pad softly against your wooden floors as you leave your bedroom and enter the main area.

“Yeah, babe? What’s going…” You trail off, noticing what your dog had been up to while you were getting ready for date night. “Oh…”

Oh indeed. From where you stood in the doorway, you had a perfect view of the carnage scattered across your floor. Your dog had gotten into your bathroom trash can, and there were shredded pads galore all over your apartment. Used shredded pads.

You feel your face heat with embarrassment as you survey the crime scene. “I-I’m so sorry. She does this from time to time but normally I remember to put the trash can out of her reach. This is so embarrassing. You can just wait outside while I finish cleaning this up-”

In your humiliated frenzy you begin banging through your cabinets, pulling down your latex gloves and a trash bag preparing to clean it. “Just go wait in the car, this will only take me a few minutes-” You’re interrupted by your boyfriend taking the latex gloves and trash bag away from you.

“Hey, love. It’s okay.” Nanami leads you back towards your room, putting on a pair of gloves. “I’ll clean this up. You just relax and take your time getting ready.”

“But Ken-” You protest, looking back over your shoulder as he guides you with a warm palm pressed against the small of your back. “It’s gross and-”

“I don’t mind.” He presses a quick kiss to your lips. “Trust me. I wouldn’t offer if I did. Don’t worry about it.”

He looks you up and down, a small smile spreading across his face. “Do whatever you need to get ready. I just want my girl looking all pretty for our date, alright?”

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JJK Filipino Headcanons

I’m going to post headcanons for a meantime since posting my stories might get much longer. -v- English with Tagalog version! Also based on my school and home experiences -v-

- Toji who’s always in the cockfighting but afraid of his wife. Sometimes commanded Megumi to buy him cigarettes or one liter of coke/sprite in the middle of dinner. (Toji yung puros nasa sabungan pero takot sa asawa. Paminsan inuutusan si Megumi pabilhan ng sigarilyo o isang litro ng coke or sprite sa kalagitnaan ng hapunan.) - Gojo the rich kid who’s a savior in group projects for bringing a lot of markers but a show-off. (Si Gojo yung the rich kid na isang tagapagligtas pag may group projects sa pagdadala ng maraming marker pero pabida.) - Nanami is the quiet kid who’s always covering his face with a towel. (Si Nanami yung the quiet kid na tinatakpan ang mukha ng towel.) - Haibara is the friend of the quiet kid and just vibing what’s happening in the classroom even if it’s a fight between the president and the show-off. Especially Shoko. (Si Haibara yung kaibigan ng quiet kid na nag-vivibe lang sa anong nangyayari kahit away sa pabida tsaka president. Especially Shoko.) - Utahime is the president that’s always fighting with Gojo and always listed Gojo first in the NSP in rest period or being ordered by the adviser. (Si Utahime yung president na laging nag-aaway kay Gojo na siya ang mauuna na listahan sa NSP pag rest period or inutusan sa adviser.) - Yaga is the adviser that is already tired with his students' antics that he is always counting down up to five for minus points in grades or slamming the book down on the table or the floor angrily that he rants to his students that they don’t listen and for being stubborn, especially Gojo and Geto. (Si Yaga ay yung adviser na pagod na pagod na sa mga kalokohan ng kanyang mga estudyante na laging na lang nagbibilang ng hanggang lima na nagsasabi na minus points sa grado o kaya'y hinahampas ang libro sa mesa o sa sahig na galit na galit na sinasabi niya sa kanyang mga estudyante na hindi sila makikinig at sa pagiging matigas ang ulo, lalo na sina Gojo at Geto.) - They will only be quiet when the teacher is angry, but at some time they will return to making noise. (Tatahimik lang sila kapag galit ang guro, pero maya-maya ay babalik din sila ng ingay.) - Gojo and Geto who always escape when they are the cleaners when it's dismissal.

(Si Gojo at Geto yung kaklase mo na laging tumatakas kapag sila ang cleaners pag dismissal na.) - Gojo is always the one who gets hit by a chalk, sometimes Geto gets also involved. (Si Gojo yung laging mababatuhan ng chalk sa teacher, paminsan nadadamay rin si Geto.) - Sukuna is that one classmate who always orders you to buy what he wants and then threatens you if you refuse. Even during recess, lunch, or outside of school and will get furious when you can’t buy since the canteen’s already closed. (Si Sukuna ay yung isang kaklase mo na palagi kang inuutusan bilhin gusto niya tapos i-threaten ka kung rerefuse. Kahit recess, lunch, o sa labas ng school, magagalit kung hindi makakabili dahil sirado na yung canteen.) - Toji is that one parent who squints his eyes when using the cellphone and sometimes asks Tsumiki or Megumi what to do or if there is a problem with the cellphone. Sometimes many apps are duplicated or installed but don't used it and the brightness is too high. (Si Toji yung nag-ssquint ng mata pag gumagamit ng cellphone, paminsan magtatanong kay Tsumiki o Megumi anong gagawin o may problema sa cellphone. Paminsan rin madaming apps naka duplicate or install na hindi naman nagagamit tsaka malaki masyado ang brightness.) - Geto is the polite and intelligent classmate who helps his classmates in lessons even though he is an annoying friend because of his teasing. (Si Geto yung magalang tsaka matalino na classmate na tinutulungan ang mga classmate sa mga aralin kahit nakakainis siya na kaibigan dahil sa kanyang panunukso.) - Toji who has arthritis and pain in the waist and the back but will still eat cashews. (Si Toji na may arthritis tsaka sakit sa bewang tsaka likod pero kakain pa rin ng kasoy.)

*on the phone with choso*

You: HELLO?! CHOSO!?

Choso: don’t yell, I’m right here. What’s wrong?

You: M-my nose just started bleeding out of nowhere and it won’t stop bleeding…

Choso: …

You: hello? Choso? Are you there?

Choso: I know…

You: what?

Choso: I did that. Telepathically.

You: …you b*tch

*chillin on the couch with Inumaki*

Inumaki: *looks at you and smiles sweetly*

You: *looks at him* What? Do I have something on my face?

Inumaki: *giggles and shakes his head*

You: uhhh, what is it then?

Inumaki: *takes his phone out and proceeds to text you*

You: *bing* huh?

*opens the text message*

Text message: I love you 🫶

You: awww, toge! I love you too!

Inumaki: *blushes*

You: wait, more than Roblox?

Inumaki: *messages you something*

Text message: know your limits hoe