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LMAO HELP I'M WHEEZING RN AND I HAVE TO KEEP QUIET CAUSE I'M IN A RESTAURANT WITH MY FAMILY

this is why you should NOT hit on Kalim Al-Asim

My piece for the ‘who does the prefect like?’ writing collab by @dulcesiabits ! Sorry this is so late, I hope you enjoy it!

note: they/them pronouns used for reader

“They’re onto us, Kalim.”

Kalim blinked. “What do you mean, (Y/N)?”

“The first years,” you hissed, looking left and right. “They suspect that I’m dating someone.”

All the doors and windows of the Ramshackle Dorm were safely locked, and you had drawn the curtains for good measure. You would have switched off the lights too, if there were any (Crowley had forgotten to pay the electricity bills again). The only thing lighting the room you and Kalim were three of the Ramshackle ghosts.

They were your close allies, which you were grateful for. You would need allies in the times to come…

“…how is that a problem?” Kalim frowned with confusion. “It’s not a big deal if people found out we were dating.”

“…” Your eyes began to brim with tears, and you reached over to your boyfriend and tenderly cupped his cheeks with your hands. “Oh, Kalim…sweetheart, angel, love of my life…if people found out we were dating…it would be a complete travesty!”

“Travesty, travesty, travesty!” echoed the ghosts in perfect synchronisation.

“R-really?” Kalim’s eyes shone with fear.

“Yes!”

“…ah…!” Kalim shivered a little as well. “I don’t know why you would think that, but if you say so…do you have a plan?”

“Kalim…” Your face darkened, and you sat back up on the couch. “We need…to become…pals.”

“…but we’re already pals!” chirped Kalim. “You’re my favourite pal!”

“No, Kalim.” You shook your head sadly. “We need to become simply pals. Nothing more. We can only do pal stuff with each other. No kissing. No holding hands. No buying me gifts. No calling each other ‘sugar-bear,’ ‘sweetie-pie,’ or anything of the sort.”

Kalim’s eyes widened, and he began tearing up. “Not even hugging…?”

“Especially not hugging.”

“…what…what if I slip up?” Terror dawned on Kalim’s face. “What if I accidently hug you in public? Then everyone would find out…!”

“If you slip up and accidently show me affection in any way, you need to jump exactly six feet away from me as quick as possible and say, ‘But not like, in a weird way!’ That should cover it up.”

“I hope I don’t give us away…”

“Of course, you won’t! I wouldn’t have told you my plan if you would!” You gave Kalim a loving, adoring smile. “I trust you, Kalim.”

You suddenly turned away from him. “I’m afraid you must leave now, Grim will be arriving…leave, my dear, lest our secret love be revealed to the world!”

“I’m leaving, I’m leaving!”

And Kalim ran out of Ramshackle, trying to be discreet as possible.

By which one means: not discreet at all.

…

“The prefect hasn’t been answering my calls,” grumbled Ace. “They’re probably off kissing Kalim again.”

“Really?” Deuce frowned with confusion. “The prefect isn’t dating anyone, though.”

“Deuce.” Ace grabbed Deuce by the shoulders. “I want you to think. Who told you that the prefect was single?”

“The prefect told me.”

“And why would they say that they’re single?”

“Because they are single?”

“Dummy.” Ace bonked Deuce on the head, and Deuce yelps. “What was that for?!”

“I was trying to get that brain of yours working! Kalim constantly comments hearts under (Y/N)’s photos on Magicam, how can the not be dating?!”

“Maybe because they’re friendship hearts!”

“They have matching heart necklaces with each other’s names on them!”

“Maybe those are friendship necklaces!”

“Deuce, we saw them making out in the corridor.”

“…maybe…they were…making out…platonically?”

Ace facepalmed. “Platonically?! Are you kidding me, Juice?”

“Don’t call me that!”

Jack, who was sitting in the corner of the room silently, finally speaks up. “There are a lot of different sexualities out there, Ace. Platonic make-outs are probably a thing, you know.”

“See, Ace?!” Deuce smiled triumphantly. “I was right!”

“However,” Jack interrupted Deuce’s victory celebration, “I know enough about the prefect that I can be sure that them and Kalim are probably dating.”

“Nah, they’re definitely dating,” called out Epel. “I heard (Y/N) call Kalim ‘wifey’ the other day.”

“What?!” exclaimed Ace and Deuce in unison.

“Yeah. They’ve even got rings. With diamonds and everything, but they’re kinda subtle, so you have to really be paying attention.” Epel looked deep in thought. “Gotta say, if those are real, they hafta be worth a lotta money…”

“No way you’re telling the truth,” scorned Ace. “Even the prefect can’t be that cringe.”

“Are you callin’ me a liar?!”

“You both, calm down,” said Jack. “We need to stop pondering over the prefect’s love life; it isn’t any of our business.”

“That’s the whole point, Jack,” responded Ace, rolling his eyes. “There’s a reason trashy tabloids sell, you know. It’s no fun if it is your business.”

“Still, it doesn’t feel right…”

“Well, if you wanna leave, the door’s right there.” Ace gestured to said door, and smirked. “But be honest, Jack: you’re here because you’re curious, aren’t you? You might try to act all ‘holier than thou’ but deep down you’re dying to know if the prefect is really dating Kalim.”

“…” Jack frowned, but he didn’t move from his seat at the round table.

“Sebek, you haven’t said anything,” noted Deuce, looking at the green-haired, stoic boy. “What do you think?”

“Well, at first, I was admittedly shocked by those two’s behaviour. Handholding? Before marriage? That’s how unplanned pregnancies happen!”

In the background, Ace choked on his own laughter.

“But,” continued Sebek, “When I heard the prefect refer to Kalim as ‘wifey’, it became clear to me that they were, in fact, married or at least engaged, in which case their public displays of affection, while still distasteful, were not the immoral acts of promiscuity I had initially thought them to be.”

“But…they’re not married…?” Deuce treaded carefully, he knew this would set off an explosion.

“What.” A great big frown marred Sebek’s features, and he shouted, “THEN THEY MUST BE SEPERATED AT ONCE! LEST THEY BECOME CORRUPTING INFLUENCE ON THE YOUNG MASTER, NAY, A CORRUPTING INFLUENCE ON OUR ENTIRE GENERATION!”

“Tell me you have no bitches without telling me you have no bitches,” snickered Ace under his breath.

Jack slammed his hand on the table. “We need to stop this madness. We’ve become too unhealthily obsessed with this matter.”

“I wouldn’t say obsessed…” murmured Epel.

“Epel, you made an evidence board,” said Jack pointedly. “With red wool.”

“Okay, maybe we’re kinda obsessed…”

“Anways, we need to bring an end to this once and for all. Either, we find out the truth of the prefect’s relationship, or we drop the entire investigation.”

Murmurs of agreement sounded in the room.

“…But…” Deuce raised his hand. “How are we going to find out if they really are dating or not?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan,” Ace reassured him. “It’s fool-proof, so it should even work on the prefect.”

“And what is the plan?” asked Jack.

Ace smirked.

“Ace, what is the plan?”

Ace’s smirk became wider.

…

“Are you lost, babygorl?” said Jack stiffly, before leaning on the wall in front of Kalim.

Honestly, he should have known better than to have gone with this plan. The only reason he was even here was because Ace was holding his cacti hostage (that little shit). And now, he was here. Trying to seduce the prefect’s man.

Why him?

“Oh, you’re Jack, aren’t you? Honey bea– the prefect mentioned you!” Kalim smiled. “I’m not lost! But thanks, though.”

“Um…” Jack coughed. “You’re welcome.”

The tiny receiver in his ear crackled to life. “What the hell, Jack?!” Ace shouted, his voice tinny in the small speaker. In the corner of his eye, Jack could spot Deuce, Ace and Epel buried in a nearby bush, watching Jack with a hawk’s eye. Sebek wasn’t there, because the moment Ace had explained the plan, he had passed out at the thought of ‘intimate talk’ before marriage. 

“That wasn’t smooth. At all,” said Epel. “Try a different one.”

Jack swallowed. “Anyways…” This is so embarrassing, this is so embarrassing– “Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?”

“Oh, I do really like dates!” Kalim’s eyes sparkled. “Why, you got any?”

“…”

“What the heck was that delivery, Jack,” Ace groaned. “You need to be more sultry! More seductive!”

What the hell did Ace know about being sultry and seductive? Didn’t he ghost his only girlfriend?

Jack decided to keep it simple. “Do you…do you want to go out with me?”

“…we are outside, though?” Kalim frowned.

“He’s so…stupid!” Deuce shout-whispered. “A lost case!”

“You’re the one to talk,” replied Ace. Oh, he couldn’t just keep his mouth shut, could he?

“Why, you–!”

“Deuce, stop choking Ace­– WHAT WAS THAT FOR, GODDAMIT?!”

A few more shouts, a crash, and the line went dead.

But hey, Jack guessed this meant he could leave now.

“…I have somewhere to be. Goodbye.”

“Oh, goodbye, Jac–”

“Jack.”

Jack felt a dark, looming, angry presence behind him, one which made him want to start running, but Jack was a proud person, and he didn’t run away, so he turned around, and sorely regretted it.

Because it was you.

With a face that screamed ‘bloody murder’.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” chirped Kalim from behind Jack. “Jack was just asking me if we could go out! Want to join us?”

“Prefect,” began Jack desperately, “I promise you that this isn’t my fault, they were holding my cacti hostage–”

“HOW DARE YOU HIT ON MY WIFE?” you roared, with the force of a thousand suns.

Pride be damned. Jack started running.

…

Grim blinked, as he witnessed you chasing Jack with a murderous look, then turned his gaze to Epel, Ace and Deuce fist fighting in a bush. “What’s happening?”

“Beats me!” said Ortho cheerfully. “Wanna go to my dorm to play some video games?”

“Sure, sounds fun!”