Choi San Imagines - Tumblr Posts

This was so well written and I loved it low-key want to cry lol

Reassuring Words and Mellow Touches | Choi San

💐 IMPORTANT: Re-upload from my deleted account (hongjoongspoetry).

💐 Summary: Being a mother wasn’t an item on your bucket list, never has and probably never will be. You were more than content with living a childless life and it wasn't an occurring issue before, until you brought your boyfriend on a trip to your parents’ where his love for kids unveiled right in your face. You were adamant on your choice, but scared what the future held for you and your boyfriend.

💐 Pairing(s): idol!San x f!reader

💐 Genres/Tropes: tooth rotting fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, a lil suggestive

💐 Warnings/Tags: no use of (Y/N), mentions of pregnancies, arguments, explicit language, expectations that come with being a woman, reader doesn't want babies, pushy family, emotional invalidation, listed pregnancy side effects, san with kids

💐 Wordcount: 12.2K

💐 Author's note: Here's a lil treat inspired by my fear of pregnancies. I am not a mother and I'm not trying to offend anyone who is. I haven't experienced motherhood so I wouldn't understand the complicit feelings that come with it, this is more my observation of it I guess.

Edited 22 January, 2024!

AO3 masterlist Click on me!

This is all fiction and not meant to represent San in any way or form.

Babies weren’t foreign to you even at the age of five.

You knew what they were; you had been one, your parents and siblings too, heck every living thing had been a baby at one point in their life. From the carrots growing in your grandma’s garden to the old ducks swimming in the pond down the street. 

Babies were cute. A bit annoying, but nonetheless cute. Probably the reason why your parents decided to have so many children or was it the nostalgia of holding an infant when their kids grew up to be living ticking time bombs. 

It wasn’t anything weird or something you paid attention to. It was quite simple too; people had children because they fell in love or to keep the relationship floating.

Children were simple beings. What they hear they shall question. Seeing your teacher highly pregnant, rubbing her stomach and wearing a gleeful expression, talking about birth and pregnancies and everything else coming with that had you taking in the information like a sponge absorbing water. 

“Mom, did you give birth to me?” 

“Of course, honey, I am your mom aren’t I?” You remember her gently wiping your cheek, a warm smile adorning her face.

You hummed in agreement, throwing a cut piece of steak in your mouth somewhat satisfied with her answer. Your eyes filtered between Hana and Jun, watching them push at each other’s shoulders clearly bickering over something so pointless your dad couldn’t bother stopping them. Not that it was possible, they were brought into this world together and separating them would only bring more chaos.

“Did you give birth to Hana-unnie and Jun-oppa too?”

“Yah! What do you think, airhead?!” Jun snarkily replied and got a light whack of the head by your sister.

“Sweetie, don’t hit your brother.” 

Hana rolled her eyes. “Even if he deserves it?” 

“Even if he deserves it,” your father concluded and urged them to eat. 

Another piece of meat was flung in your mouth as you stared at the family portrait behind the twins, focusing on your other siblings who moved out a long time ago and already started their own families. Your mother saw the bemused tingle covering your features.

“Go on and eat your food.”

A small pout adorned your lips, “How do you give birth?”

Your parents were more than prepared for the wonders of your mind, any question fired at them had already been answered years ago with your older siblings. That’s what they thought at least and it explained why the dinner table went pin silent as the question was flung out in the open.

The seasons changed like your father changed channels. Spring fluttered into summer quicker than expected. Budded flowers opened, the various colored roses adorning your grandma’s fence beautifully. The breeze welcomed you with open arms, proudly announcing the start of summer break. The transition between summer and autumn was slow. The rich green leaves took their time changing shades – red, orange and eventually an ugly brown that reminded you of wet mornings and cold coffees – before the howling wind swirled them away, stripping the trees of its beauty. 

As the years passed your My Little Pony boots were replaced with wedge heels and your favorite color wasn’t pink, but black – even though Jun argued black wasn’t a color – and before you knew it Hana moved out with her boyfriend, now husband, of six years. A small but evident baby bump peeking behind her knitted sweater.

You were seventeen at that time, the twins twenty-two and your remaining siblings already thirty-something. 

Her baby girl wasn’t the first grandchild of your family tree and she certainly wasn’t going to be the last either, because four years later she welcomed another child into the world just a couple of months before your brother’s wife. That made a grand total of seven grandkids, three girls and four boys.

You were very grateful to your mom for giving birth to you last and grateful for the free birth control your siblings provided you with. Despite their children having moments of incarnating the devil, they weren’t the issue to your disdain of want for a baby. 

Some said it was the lack of a boyfriend and others pointed out you being too focused on your academic studies – that your decision to start university was too hasty – depriving you of your youth, as if a newborn wouldn’t.

You saw what motherhood did to your sisters and in-laws, and it wasn’t anything you’d like for yourself. Not even after meeting your boyfriend, who you were madly in love with and he was completely head over heels for you, did your perception change. 

Babies were cute to look at, but growing one inside of you? No thanks. 

You glanced at San through the bathroom mirror, white shaving cream around his face.

“Don’t you have filming with the Return of Superman today?” 

“Yep, have to make sure the beard doesn’t scratch the kids.”

You laughed again, “Beard? I haven’t seen you with a stub in how many months now, let alone a beard.”

Your eyes met in the reflection, one of his brows raised and lips puckered as if contemplating something. He then let go of the razor and gently took hold of your waist and neck, pressing his sticky cheek against yours. You yelled out and tried to push him away, but he barely moved.

“What did you say about my beard?”

“You have a beautiful beard! So pretty and well-kept!”

San smiled brightly, dimples popping and eyes creasing as he planted a wet kiss on your forehead. 

“Thank you baby!”

The white cream was washed off with extreme care, as he was afraid of wetting your clothes and hair. 

“There you go.” He threw on a gray hoodie, black hair slightly disheveled but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with you running your hand through it. 

“I’d say thanks, but you’re at fault.”

He rested his hands on your hips, thumbs sneaking underneath the white fabric of your blouse to caress the soft skin beneath. “You’re lucky I love you.” 

Your twentieth lap around the world was filled with many experiences and emotions. You finally moved out of the countryside to the big city and found an apartment in the middle of Seoul. As much as you loved the feeling of freedom and independence you also despised it. Not having anyone waiting on you by the door, no home cooked meals or clean clothes neatly made on your bed reminded you of what you left behind. 

Although it was hard to adapt at first you managed and with the help of a friend you quickly adjusted to the busy city life. As someone wise once said; after rain came sunshine, and your sunshine was San. The boy your friend introduced you to when you still had little to no knowledge of Korean pop groups besides the older generations and singing ring-ding-dong no repeat.

At the time he was just San, a funny and caring friend you could be yourself with, occasionally going out to secluded shops for coffee and pastries. You never questioned the scenery and request of privacy, always giving people the benefit of the doubt, until a girl stopped you on your way to a morning class with the demand you tell her who you were and what connection you had to her Sannie. 

With a trembling voice you answered her truthfully, debunking any conclusions she already made up in her mind.

You didn’t go to school that day or home for that matter either, scared to be followed and questioned again by a potential lover or side-piece so you did the next best thing; stopped by a 7-eleven and spent your morning there before taking the first train to your sister’s unannounced, spilling everything like an overflowing bucket.

As the mature woman she was, she spurred you on to ask San. Saying you deserved answers to your questions and to potentially clear up any misunderstandings – if there were any of that is. 

The moment you told him about the girl, he came forward with who he was, something he admitted he should’ve done immediately, but didn’t for two reasons: a) you allowed him to be himself with no walls and b) he was worried the truth would scare you away. Heck, you were already chased just by being near him and you didn’t even know anything. To your luck, the girl wasn’t his girlfriend or a crazy ex, but a fan and San was an idol.

A few weeks after his confession your friendship progressed and blossomed into a beautiful relationship. You could proudly call him yours in the privacy of your apartment and he could wrap his arm around you – face masks and caps on of course – scaring the prying eyes of other men. He filled your solitude with the comfort and love you missed so dearly.

“Honey, have you seen my gray hoodie? I can’t find it in your wardrobe.” San stood before your closet, torso exposed and an expensive towel you can’t remember the brand of wrapped around his hips.

You were in the kitchen brewing coffee for the both of you. A plain yet pretty dress stuck tightly to your form, “Mmm, I think it’s in the basket with all the other clean clothes.”

The taps of his bare feet filled your apartment accompanied by a gasp seconds later.

“Did you find it?”

Large arms slinked around your waist and pulled you into San’s chest, he nuzzled his nose against the bare spot on your neck before peppering it with tender pecks, “Thank you, honey.”

“Always, baby. Here’s your coffee.”

You gingerly handed him the cup, but San had other plans. Ever-so-gently he titled your head sideways as his lips met yours. It was soft and made your stomach swoop as if going down a steep roller coaster. 

San had that effect on you no matter what he did. 

“You have to…get dressed or…we’ll be late,” you said between kisses. 

His chest vibrated against your back as he hummed in delight, “This is worth getting in trouble for.”

“I’m sure it is, but I don’t think Wooyoung will appreciate that.”

“I don’t care.” 

A laugh bubbled out as you rewarded him with one last kiss to the cheek. Eventually you both parted ways. San went first, wearing an obligatory cap and mask while meeting up with his manager further down the street and you followed shortly after, taking the commute to your workplace. 

“So,” you started after placing the pot on the table between your plates, immediately filling San’s, “my parents invited us to theirs next week.”

He nodded, “I think I can make it, but I’ll have to double-check with the guys and managers.”

It was the first date night in weeks where both of you were free from work and had enough energy to meet up. You originally invited all the boys, but San was keen on keeping you to himself, claiming he wanted some alone time. If it were up to him he’d see you everyday even for just five minutes, arguing that the short time could give him the motivation to work harder. In return you reminded him the journey from his dorm to your place was a thirty minute long drive without traffic, the energy he’d get would evaporate in seconds.

“It’s okay if you can’t make it, Sannie. I know you guys have a lot to do, especially with the release of your new album.”

“Mmm, don’t worry about that. We’ll see first, but I’m telling you now. I want to go.” He reached for your hand across the small table and you returned the sentiment with a squeeze before beckoning him to eat.

You took notice of his upturned lips and crescent moon eyes. It wasn’t an unusual sight, San was always in a good mood and when he wasn’t he still mustered up a smile warm enough to brighten your day.

“What are you smiling about?” You teased, carrying a grin of your own.

“You should have seen the kids the other day, they were so cute.”

“Oh, it completely slipped my mind to ask. How was it?”

“It was fun and they were so, so cute. All of them really.”

“I can imagine, Sannie.”

“I don’t want to say too much, you still have to wait for the episode, but ohhh! I can’t stop smiling.”

You chuckled and enjoyed seeing your boyfriend suffer a hard case of baby fever. San loved kids, put that man near a kid and anyone in one mile radius would see it. That was how you found out. 

You were babysitting your niece one random Thursday night, your brother claiming ‘you owed him’ for something you did in your childhood days that was long forgotten. San asked if you were free that same night, but you sadly turned him down, briefly explaining the situation and voilá. The date was moved from a five star restaurant to your living room with blankets and ice cream and a toddler with bigger love for Bluey than her aunt.

San’s love for kids wasn’t something he expressed with you, but rather something you saw through gentle touches and light coos, a few stolen pecks here and there.

It wasn’t an issue to you. In all honesty, it was attractive because how many men did you know who actually showed interest in their children? How many dads knew their kids’ birth dates or their favorite ice cream flavor?

And yeah, you felt the same. Your nieces and nephews were cute, especially when they wore matching clothes for Chuseok and Christmas. Don’t even get you started on their birthday costumes.

But it wasn’t enough to make you want one. 

It wasn’t worth the nine month long journey of fatigue, mood swings, nausea, stretch marks and not to mention the painful process of giving birth and what came after; potentially loss of teeth, tearing the perineum, hair loss… the list is truly endless.

Not wanting kids wasn’t a problem until you stumbled into San who carried a love big enough for the whole population of South Korea. 

“I can’t wait till we have kids,” San admitted as you stuffed your mouth with a spoonful of rice.

The clock hanging above the kitchen entrance didn’t freeze but you sure did. The words would make anyone squeal and melt at once, however they washed over you like a big cold wave in the atlantic ocean and sent your food into the wrong pipe. San jumped up from his seat and patted your back while opening a can of coke with his other hand. 

“Drink this.” He pushed the beverage in your hands and waited to make sure you were alright. The coughing didn’t stop but at least you could breathe. “Better?”

You sent him a nod, not trusting your voice to keep its cool. San didn’t question the lack of response to his blunt statement nor why you nearly choked to death. The night ended with you two hastily filling the dish machine and cuddling together on the couch with you laying on top of him. A boring movie played on the big TV while you basked in each other’s embrace. 

Halfway through the movie you cleared your throat, not being able to shake the conversation from earlier, “You want kids?”

“Not right now, but someday,” San said, one hand under his head and the other rubbing your back. He then glanced down at you. “Don’t you?”

You turned so your chin rested on his chest, noses almost touching and his peppermint breath fanning your face.  The simple two letter word was stuck in your throat, and like the coward you were you swallowed them down with guilt. You shot him a quick smile and even manually crinkled your eyes to make it more believable.

Twenty minutes later and San was out like a light, the hectic schedules and plenty of sleepless nights getting to him in the end. Sleep didn’t come as easy to you. Mind too occupied with thinking, thinking and more thinking. Tears blurred your eyes and you didn't know if they were from the stuffy room or the guilt bubbling in your abdomen. 

The incident was pushed under the rug in your living room, neither bringing it up again nor the topic of a future family, mainly because you were both drowning in work and adult responsibilities. The days passed in a flash and when Friday came around San was parked outside the building early in the morning, welcoming you with a preheated seat and a cup of steaming hot coffee. 

“The twins and their kids are the only ones who could come. Mimi-unnie’s little ones caught the flu and Jin couldn’t get away from work.”

Coming from a rather small family and then moving in with seven men he considered brothers was quite the change for young San, so hearing that neither Mimi or Jin, and their respective families, could make it made him deflate.

“That’s unfortunate. We haven’t seen them in a long time.”

“Yeah, but at the same time I can already feel the headache coming from having seven kids running around all day.”

“That’s how Hongjoong must feel all the time.”

The image of seven twenty-something-year olds running around as toddlers and an exhausted Hongjoong not far behind them popped up in your head and brought out a laugh. Then last week’s phone call with your mother interrupted the vision and you got serious again. 

“Did you bring spare clothes? Mom said they were warning of a rainstorm.” 

“Yep. It’s in the trunk with your things.”

Your hands rested on your lap and San, feeling the need to touch you, gently intertwined your fingers with his and placed a kiss to the back of your hand. He occasionally withdrew when changing gears before resuming his hold. The ride was long and by the time you arrived you were exhausted despite not doing anything but passing San snacks every once in a while. 

Squeals of joy and multiple little feet padding against the hardwood floor had your lips curling upwards as you opened the door. You crouched down and were greeted with two kids catapulting in your embrace.

“Hello little chicks,” you said and planted a kiss on the crown of their heads.

“Did you miss us?” Borah asked, her small hands tightening around your neck leaving barely any room for her little brother. 

Before you could reassure her the door opened behind you and in came San, thus stealing the lovely cuddle session right from beneath your nose.

“Uncle San!”

He lifted both children in his arms and beamed at their giggles and kicking legs. You craned your head up, eyes trailing up to San’s closed ones, and your heart swelled with love. He looked like he belonged right there surrounded by tiny humans with toothless smiles and snotty noses.  

A tug at your sleeve had your head whipping forwards, “Kai,” you cooed at the youngest of the batch earning a blurb of happy noises.

The hallway proceeded to be crowded by the rest of the house. Hugs and kisses were exchanged with your family and out of the corner of your eyes you could see San exchanging a firm handshake with your father.

“You’re right in time for dinner!” Your mother gleefully exclaimed and ushered you inside, the little ones slinking around her legs like overly fed kittens mooching for more food.

The first hour was spent catching up and talking about everything you’ve missed out on in each other’s lives. Your father initiated small talk with San, asking him about the drive there and if he had a lot of work even wondering how the rest of Ateez were doing. To your relief your parents treated him as their third son and your siblings weren’t opposed to the idea of another brother.

You sat in between Jun and Jisoo – his wife – giving her all of your attention. Apparently she was in the middle of her second trimester, something you just found out. You sent Jun a quick glare and a whack to the back of his head, and as he was about to fight back he slumped back in his seat all thanks to the stern eyes of his wife.

“Here let me help you, mom.” 

San ventured into the open kitchen and took the plates from your mother’s hands. She tried stopping him but it was to no avail, once a gentleman, always a gentleman. So she did the next best thing. 

“Are you not embarrassed Jun? Sitting on your rear while the guests prepare the table!”

“I’m a guest too?!” He cried and Jisoo stifled a laugh behind her palm, the other hand rubbing her swollen belly.

“Yah, guest my ass. It’s your house as much as it’s mine so get over here before I rip your ear off.”

San stood by the table and waited for another chance to interfere, or as Jun liked to call it ‘buttering up to the in-laws’. You creeped up behind San and leaned your cheek against his bicep.

“You good?” He wrapped his arm around your waist and pressed a lingering kiss to the side of your head. If someone knew what it meant to be separated from family then it was San, having not seen his own parents in how many years now?

“I’m perfect,” you replied and discreetly created some space between you as the rest of the family entered the kitchen. 

Unlike San, you weren’t very keen on showing public affection especially as you guys never did it due to him being a literal celebrity. You had no problem showering him with love behind closed doors, but it was different with so many people around and in front of your parents nonetheless. That was just forbidden, almost illegal in your books. 

As if they hadn’t done the deed at least four times–

“Well go on, why are you standing there like sheep waiting for Lassie.”

Everyone swammered the table per your mother’s request. You, San and Borah sat on one side of the table with your mother and father on each end, and Jun, Jisoo and Hana across from you.

“How is work, sweetie?”

You faced your mother as she filled your plate with food and you practically tore the spatula from her hands.

“It’s good. There’s a lot now that people are on vacation, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“You’ve always been a hard worker,” she grumbled. “And how are you otherwise?” 

Your brows furrowed, “I’m great too. What do you mean?” 

She stared you dead in the eyes, making sure you were looking at her too, and flickered her gaze down to your stomach and back up again three times.

“I am healthy.”

The bite you tried to hide slipped out and she couldn’t help but scoff. 

“Of course you’re healthy. I don’t give birth to sick babies.”

You don’t know when your mother turned so…sour. When her gentle touches turned to pinches and words of endearment became sneers of displeasure. Over one summer she had changed drastically and called every two to three weeks, asking the same questions, hoping for different answers.

“At least someone here is eating for two.”

The sentence struck you right in the heart and it bothered you how easily she got under your skin. As if prioritizing yourself brought shame on your whole family tree, it wasn’t like she didn’t have a soccer team of grandkids already.

Your sister-in-law smiled timidly and you couldn’t help but feel sorry for her being put in the spotlight just because of your mother’s pettiness.

“Oh, that reminds me, San-ah! We watched your Return of Superman episode,” Hana said excitedly. 

“Who do you like more, uncle San, me or Jaeyul?”

“Mmm, that is a hard question, Borah. How about this, I’ll tell you if you promise to keep it a secret?”

The five year old immediately nodded and San – keeping his promise – gently whispered in her ear, “You.” 

A gasp slinked out of her lips and she threw her hands over her mouth, the two exchanged a look and San made a zipping motion over his lips, a gesture Borah copied. 

“Wah, you’re so good with kids San-ah,” Jun complimented.

“I was just about to say that! We couldn’t stop smiling, it was so endearing. All of you, really,” your sister added and pushed her thick glasses up against her nose. 

San straightened at the praise. A dust of red covered his face accompanied with a bright smile. 

“I just love kids.” 

“Then it’s about time you get some, don’t keep us waiting any longer.”

Your body tensed and your grip on the spoon tightened. Your mother talked about the matter as if babies were truly delivered by storks and not an almost year long process. You kept your gaze on your plate, not daring to meet anyone’s stares, not when you could feel San’s bore into the side of your face. You two had yet to talk about the future and it wasn’t something you were ready for, especially not after his random burst of baby fever. 

San cleared his throat, “Well I’d rather first put a ring on your daughter’s finger, if that’s alright with her.”

Oh, how you loved this man. 

You didn’t need things to be official to know how you felt about San. A scribble of paper and a ring on your finger wouldn’t make your love more real, but you knew if San asked the big question you’d say yes in a heartbeat.

Heat ran through you, from the center of your heart to the tips of your toes, and it was hard to suppress the smile fighting its way on your face. The twins ‘oh-ed’ loudly, Jun even made the table into a makeshift drum as Borah and Jisoo jumped on the teasing wagon. Your father smiled at the scene before him. It was about time you got married, he thought but kept it to himself. Your mother on the other hand wasn’t all too pleased. As much as she wanted you to marry before conceiving, she didn’t want to wait any longer than necessary and with how your life was going, a marriage wasn’t an event in any of her five future calendars.

“Are we supposed to call you Mrs. Choi now?” 

A hard smack resounded in the house with a groan.

The dinner ended with no more personal questions about your and San’s relationship as all the attention was diverted to Jun and Jisoo’s unborn baby. Now you were all gathered in the living room, except for Jisoo who long passed out in Jun’s childhood bedroom. 

“Auntie.” Borah grabbed at your elbow, her legs stretched over your thighs as she sat in San’s lap with her head resting against his chest. 

“Yes, flower?”

Her eyes were droopy and she barely stayed awake despite the loud conversation of the adults. You inched closer to her to easily decipher her slurring words.

“I wanna sleep with you and uncle San.”

“Mmm, you want to cuddle with us?” She nodded tiredly. “Lemme ask uncle San first, okay flower?”

You caressed her hair and she smacked her lips before readjusting herself in San’s arms. Despite balancing between sleep and consciousness she was determined to know his answer. 

It didn’t take much more than a gentle ‘Sannie’ for you to catch his attention, “Borah wants to sleep in our bed. Is that alright with you?” 

He glanced down at the usually sugar rushed child and chuckled at her passed out form. “Of course. Here, I’ll tuck her in.”

While he went upstairs, easily navigating through the house from the previous visits, you stepped foot in the kitchen. The dishes from the dinner had just been pushed aside by your mother as she was dead set on everyone spending more time together, not allowing anyone entry in the kitchen unless it was to get more food. 

Although she was challenging your patience for the past five hours, you still loved her dearly so washing the dishes was the least you could do without blatantly saying it.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” 

Speak of the devil and they shall appear.

“Nothing, making your life easier.”

“Oh, please. My life hasn’t been any easier since you moved out. Constantly worrying about you.”

“Really, mom? There’s nothing to worry about plus it’s not like I’m alone. I have San.” You rinsed a plate and stacked it on the rack to your left.

“I know…That’s what I’m afraid of.”

A glass nearly slipped out of your hands. Your confused eyes met her worried ones and you bit the inside of your cheek, not really understanding what she was getting at.

“Why…I’m sorry, what are you exactly…afraid of?” 

The anxiety grew like weeds in your mind at her gentle whisper of your name. Did she not like San? But that was impossible; she practically referred to him as her favorite son-in-law. 

“Don’t you think it’s time you two get serious?”

“Okay!” You dropped the sponge in the sink and placed your soapy hands on your hips. “You really need to stop talking in riddles or my head is going to explode from anxiety.”

“There you go again with that anxiety. It’s not real!”

“Nope! Don’t try to change the subject. Say what you really mean or just stop talking, mom I swear it’s the only chance I’m giving you to be outright honest with me.”

A beat of silence passed and then another. Just as you thought she was backing down, the second most outrageous thing of the day came out of her mouth.

“Get married to San before he leaves you for someone else.”

You scoffed, “Unbelievable. You’re unbelievable.”

The rag hanging off your shoulder was snatched as you used it to dry your hands, but the anger proved that to be difficult so you bolted up to your room, not bothering with bidding anyone a good night’s sleep. You just needed to get away from the tension downstairs and, believe it or not, you craved San’s comfort.

Anger clouded your vision and all rational thoughts were pushed aside as you threw the door open, scaring San and nearly arousing little Borah. As much as you wanted to slam it shut, you couldn’t. Instead you did the childish-angry thing where you swing the door with all your might and stop it just as it was about to close and create an atomic-like explosion. 

San rose from his comfortable position on the pink fluffy carpet that teenage-you chose, eyes wide in alarm and arms reaching for you. 

He had changed out of the black hoodie and gray suit pants and into something more comfortable; a satin black pajamas you gifted him for Valentine’s day with a pair of semi-rimless glasses perched on his nose. Something about the look made him so domestic your anger nearly disappeared into thin air. 

“Woah, woah. What’s wrong?” 

You hid your face in your hands and San wasted no time taking you in his arms, bringing your body close to him. The motion had you sighing deeply as you exhaustively sunk into his embrace. San didn’t push for an answer and for that you were grateful. He rubbed your back and kissed your temple, nose and cheek.

“It’s my mom,” you eventually whispered.

“You wanna talk about it?” 

You didn’t move at first, weighing your options. Sharing the harsh words of your mom would lead to a conversation you weren’t ready to take. So you shrugged and clasped your hands around his torso. 

“Yes and no.”

“Okay, come here.” 

He gave you another kiss before moving you so your back was against his chest and shuffled over to the bed. He sat down by Borah’s feet, careful not to wake her, and pulled you between his legs dangling over the edge of the queen sized bed. His hands found home on your stomach immediately easing you off your anger. 

“We’ll do whatever you feel like. We can talk about it if you want or I can just listen to you, but if you don’t want to we won’t. We can find something else to do. It’s up to you, honey.”

You took his hands in yours and examined his each and every finger. A wave of nervousness washed over you and a distraction was needed to untangle your tied tongue. 

“She just said some…mean things I guess.”

“About you?”

You nodded silently. “About us.”

San hummed and you honestly expected a stronger reaction, but you should’ve known better. 

He was rational and never really lashed out, at least not that you knew of. You’d never seen him angry enough to act on it.

“She didn’t mean anything ill thought, but you were the starting point of it.”

“Look at me?”

As you faced him his eyes immediately found yours and in them were swirls of pure affection and sincerity.

“I love you.”

The skin on your cheeks burned hot and your lips curled into an embarrassed smile. The confession sent a magic tingle through your body.

“Where is this coming from?”

“I love you,” he said again, not satisfied with your response.

“I love you too, Sannie.”

“Good. Don’t worry ‘bout what your mom says. I love you and nothing will change that.”

Reassuring words and mellow touches. 

“Nothing?”

Not even your fear of childbirth? 

Or the idea that the two of you never may have children?

“Nothing, my love.”

And if he noticed the turn your smile took – going from happy to sad – he didn’t mention it. Because despite everything you couldn’t stop the gnawing thoughts of dread and what if’s from filling your mind.

“Did you watch the episode?”

“What episode?”

“The one of Seonghwa-hyung, Woo and I with the kids.”

Right, that one.

At first you didn’t purposely push it back on your agenda but the more you remembered his wish of starting a family the more chores you suddenly had to do and oh, that pile of paperwork could certainly not wait until after the weekend and when you actually had the time to watch it your phone would ping with a billion messages, every single one coming from San who insisted he craved to hear your voice and see your ‘absolutely angelic face’ – his words. 

So no. You hadn’t seen it.

“Ah, really?” He laughed at the speed you shook your head. “Well, let’s watch it together.”

“Now?”

“Mmm. Unless you don’t wanna?”

“Oh– Uhm, no! Go ahead, I’ll just change into something comfortable.”

Why he brought his laptop for a two day journey, you had no idea but apparently it worked in his favor because there you were laying on the side closest to the wall with Borah snuggled between you guys while the laptop was perched on San’s stomach, the episode playing in full swing.

Every interaction with the twins or Jaeyul made your guts twist and clench. You had to admit it was cute; so cute that your dinner almost went back up the same way it came from. You felt so bad and the worst of it all was the guilt that followed, the guilt of knowing you weren’t doing anything wrong yet you’d still be treated as if you were. 

And it was such a shitty situation, because how come that the man who’d single-handedly light up each and every star for you, also was the one to summon the clouds obscuring the night sky?

You didn’t notice San’s lingering eyes or the way his fingers itched to hold yours or the three word long question resting on his tongue. Not that he was being obvious about it. Whenever you looked at him he’d flash you that derpy smile of his and a reassuring blink that lasted a second too long. 

It may have been unclear to you, but nothing passed your radar of a brother. He did have the maturity of a boy going through early stages of puberty, but you had to give it to him, he was observant. Too observant for his own good.

“What’s going on with you and lover boy?”

Thanks to Jun’s stupidity you both were honored with dish-duties. What you didn’t know was that it was all a part of his masterplan. 

“What?”

“I don’t know I’m the one asking you.”

You glared at him and he wordlessly took the clean tray from you.

“I’m just saying, we dudes, we see when something’s wrong.”

“So something’s wrong with San?”

“Not with San.” He put the tray in place and threw the rag over his shoulder, painfully dragging out the conversation, “With you.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me?” 

“Mm-mm, there is. You’re all tense and silent, and anytime someone mentions a baby you do this thing where you disapp– Yeah, just like that!” He snapped his fingers and pointed at your face void of emotion.

“I’m just not feeling it today.”

A gasp left his mouth and he looked around almost alarmed. “Don’t tell me you’re…pregnant?” He whispered the last word as if it was a crime that could sentence you to life in prison.

Out of sheer surprise and terror you smacked the side of his head. 

“Are you out of your mind?!” You hissed back.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“It is a no!” 

“Okay, don’t hit me again!” As you raised your arm he simultaneously threw his hands up to shield himself from your wrath. 

A third party watched the banter from the living room, his feet tucked under his thighs in a pretzel motion and tongue poking at his cheek. The three years you spent together, from the platonic start to the blossoming romance, granted you more knowledge of each other than anyone else. 

San noticed your change in behavior at the dinner table last night, after the talk with your mother and as you cozied up to him in bed. At first he brushed it off as jitters for not being home for so long and the overwhelming emotions of finally meeting everyone again, but the more he thought of it the more he realized it wasn’t like you. And he promised himself to ask you about it, he just needed to find the perfect moment when you weren’t being swammered by everyone else which proved to be nearly impossible. If you weren’t hounded by your mother or bothered by your siblings, then you were stuck with the little ones and their sticky fingers.

“San-ah.”

Hana brought him out of his thoughts.

“Do you ever see yourself having kids?”

The question threw him off guard because wasn’t it obvious? What more could he want than to start a family with the love of his life?

“Of course, but it’s not something we’ve gotten around yet. We’re not rushing anywhere either!” 

Hana nodded and took a long sip of her chamomile tea. There was something so uneasy with her watchful eyes and the slight purse of her lips that had San thinking a little too much to his liking.   

Was he missing something? 

And he really shouldn’t have asked, prod at her interest and start something he wasn’t sure he was ready for but being the curious cat he was, San couldn't help himself.

“If you don’t mind, why are you asking?”

“Mmm…you see, she’s not the brightest when it comes to children.”

That sentence sounded like an unstrung guitar being played with a dull rock underwater. If San remembered correctly, you shone the brightest around your nieces and nephews. There was never a dull moment with them, always bringing you to tears from laughing too much. He saw you with them; you were gentle, thoughtful and careful, and he was certain it had nothing to do with you sharing the same blood. 

San must have looked confused because Hana spluttered out an explanation, her hands waving around at the speed of light. 

“I’m just saying that because I know how you’re with kids. Anyone can see you love them and I know it wouldn’t be fair to you.” 

“What wouldn’t be fair?”

“Not having kids,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

San wanted to ask more questions yet he decided to hold his tongue. He wouldn’t be able to see the complete puzzle anyways and he knew the missing piece could only be received from one person – you.

“It’s a mutual concern of ours and we are just looking out for you.” She gave him a few pats of comfort, for what he had yet to find out, “God knows my husband would be devastated if I didn’t want kids.”

San listened silently, the frown on his face deepening with each word.

Did your sister not want kids? 

He followed her line of vision leading straight to you and then it hit him.

You didn’t want kids. 

The images of San holding a toddler that was the spitting image of him; a head too big for its body, chubby cheeks and faint brows, haunted you every night. Some dreams were more vivid than others, but they were never the same. The most recent one was of the three of you taking a walk in the park. The little girl sat on San’s shoulders wearing a purple hat with cat ears while you trailed behind them, a matching bag around your shoulder and a camera in your hands. As San turned around you caught a glimpse of their bright smiles and identical dimples. The girl saw you and stretched her arms out, a giddy ‘mom!’ tumbling out of her mouth.

That’s when you woke up in a puddle of sweat. You could barely catch your own breath as you jumped out of bed, nearly toppling to the floor in the process. 

A cloud of guilt and shame loomed over you for various reasons. Mainly for dreaming of a future you could not see for yourself. It got to the point where you stayed up all night just to avoid the dreams. You picked up more shifts at the office, working late nights and early mornings, and it was a success until you cleared your whole schedule. Then came the idea of starting a new hobby; crocheting but your patience ran out rather quickly, who knew learning a double crochet would be so difficult? 

Your guilty conscience affected your relationship with San too. Dates were painfully awkward as if you were a high school couple going on your first outing together, stealing shy glances and looking away as soon as your eyes met. 

Then it was the skinship, whenever you accidentally touched fingers or feet collided underneath the dinner table, you’d withdraw so quickly as if burned by the scorch of a hundred suns. It was almost foreign to cuddle up on the couch too, San’s hands on your lower back and your cheek against his chest. At first you didn’t think he noticed the change in your behavior, but as you laid on top of him you could feel his heart rapidly beat in your ear and hands ghost over your skin, a trail of goosebumps following his faint touch.

Neither dared to speak up about the thick tension, assuming it would all go away in due time but the closer you got to the date of Ateez leaving for their tour in Latin America, the less likely it was to subdue. 

Little did you know San wasn’t feeling any better himself. Hana’s words played in his head on a loop, creating new presumptions of what she meant. She wasn’t that straightforward with her message and San could’ve either pieced together the wrong information or been completely spot on. He’d never know if he never asked, which proved to be harder than expected.

The few times your schedules aligned you were interrupted by San’s phone – Seonghwa and Mingi checking if he was dining at yours or with them – and if it weren’t that then it was something else. The days he made sure nothing could interrupt he’d chicken out last minute and smoothly avert the attention to anything remotely more interesting.

“Did you see Mingi’s new hair color?”

“I made Jongho promise to teach you how to break an apple in half!”

“Yeosang wants to buy a puppy!”

The confidence San possessed on stage in front of thousands was plummeting to the ground. Hard and fast. It honestly baffled him how much control one person could hold over him. Not that he complained, who was supposed to make his knees weak and brain all mushy besides you?

Knees weak and mushy brain was exactly how he felt as you opened the door, revealing yourself. You wore a black and white striped sweater with a black skirt stopping midthigh. The top was slightly big so you tucked it in your skirt. A small dark bag hung over your shoulder matching your leather boots. Simple yet elegant jewelry adorned your fingers and ears. You topped it off with black see-through stockings and black coat. 

“Is this too much for a night out?”

You were stunning. 

“It’s perfect, babe.” 

He handed you a beautiful bouquet of pink and red roses mixed with fillers, the brown paper gave them an old school look. You suppressed a squeal of joy and took the flowers from him, planning to put them in a vase, but not before planting a quick and shy kiss to the apple of his cheek. Your lipstick smeared on his skin almost camouflaging with the redness crawling up his neck, attacking his ears and cheeks, luckily for him you bolted to the kitchen, embarrassed at your own gesture.

You truly were like a pair of high schoolers, but for once you didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.  Perhaps it was your consciousness pushing the thoughts away for the night as it was your last date before San left overseas. 

“Ready to go?”

San was breathtaking.

It was no surprise that your boyfriend was a work of art, but there was something different about him tonight. Dark slacks accented his hard thighs a black turtleneck covered his bulging arms and slim waist with a gray coat hung snuggly over his frame reaching his calves. You always said his natural hair color suited him the best and it was true, especially when it was slicked back with a few strands falling over his exposed forehead.

You gulped harshly, “Yup.” 

You placed your hand in his and smiled as his fingers thread through yours like the roots of a tree becoming one with the earth. Giddy smiles hid behind your masks but the sparkle in your eyes was brighter than the night sky and its million stars.

San stuffed your woven hands in the pocket of his large coat for the short walk to his manager’s car and then his hand found its long lost place on your thigh during the drive to your favorite restaurant. 

You were addicted to his reassuring words and mellow touches.

San held his breath and was fully prepared to feel your body still at the skinship or for you to slowly pull away, but when you did the complete opposite – tightening your hold on his hand – he exhaled in relief. 

The restaurant was made for celebrities to have somewhere to go and enjoy their time without noisy people and overbearing fans. They even had a no phone policy to maximize the safety and privacy of everyone inside, that way the possibility of scandals coming out were zero to none. It wasn’t everyday you went on expensive dates for obvious reasons, mainly because of San’s schedule but also because you felt bad for him paying every time. It was no secret San earned more money than you, being a literal idol, but you still made it work somehow.  

For the first time in a while you felt good beside him. The unsettling dreams and thoughts of the future were as if non-existent and you didn’t want it any other way, at least for the night. Halfway through your second glass of wine San started blabbering about the tour. You wouldn’t say he was drunk, but rather relaxed. 

“So where are you going first?”

He thought for a minute, “Mexico, Brazil, Chile and then Colombia.”

“Isn’t it your first time performing there? That must be exciting!”

“Mhm, I can’t wait to see our Latin American Atinys. I know some of them have been with us since predebut. Honestly I’d travel around the world just to meet them all.”

“That’d be the dream wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, “It’d be even better if you were there with me.”

His small pout and glistening eyes made you laugh, “Because that’d be such a good idea. I can bet all my life savings it would end up in a disaster one way or another.”

“What? Why?”

You placed your utensils down, “San, honey. I don’t think you realize how popular you are, like all of twitter wants to fuck you.” 

San stopped mid chewing, his eyes wide and brows raised to the roof. The loading wheel appeared above him and he smiled embarrassingly as your words finally registered, his teeth white but the tips of his ears burned red. 

“Yah, don’t say that.” He suddenly looked away as if he wasn’t showered with compliments on a daily basis.

“Well it’s Atinys’ words, not mine.” 

“You jealous?”

The cheekiness didn’t go unnoticed by you so in an equally teasing tone, you replied, “I can’t be jealous of something I actually get to do.”

And if there was anything better than a tipsy San then it was a flustered one.

“You shy, baby?”

He shook his head with a little ‘no’ that barely reached your ears.

The rest of the date was perfect – much to your surprise – and not once did the guilt ridden thoughts infiltrate your mind, not even when you passed a happy couple pushing a stroller on your way home or when you saw, what must have been, the biggest smile of the night on San’s handsome face. For a split second you thought everything would work out in the end. You’d overcome this obstacle just like you did with the move to Seoul or with the test you nailed after months of pulling all-nighters. But only for a split second because as the clock struck midnight your night took an unexpected turn with it.

“You need a place to stay for the night?” It came out more suggestive than you intended, however you didn’t mind.

“I don’t know, did you plan to sleep tonight?”

Your pointer finger rested against your chin as you pretended to think.

“If that’s the case then you won’t be getting any sleep tonight.”

A pair of very familiar hands grabbed your hips sending an electric feeling through your body despite the skirt separating your skin from touching. Your bodies fit like two pieces of a missing puzzle. 

“I wasn’t planning on it,” you replied and threw your head back against the crook of his neck. 

“Good.”

You were a feather in San’s hand and he treated you with care. Never too rough or foul, always considerate and kind but not opposed to it if you asked. He spun you around and stared at you with a million stars in his eyes, completely and utterly lost in the beautiful galaxy that is you. 

San cupped your cheek and traced your bottom lip with his thumb. His touch stopped at the corner of your mouth, his eyes widened as you lightly bit down on his finger. Your warm tongue against his cold skin. Your parted lips pulled into a smirk and it spurred San to push his thumb deeper in your mouth, now laying completely flat against the wet muscle. The innocent yet sultry bat of your eyes drove him crazy.

Reassuring words and mellow touches. 

He wanted you. He wanted to lick and nip at your skin, paint it full of violet and crimson clover. Make your writhe and turn in his hold until breathless pleas filled your apartment. He craved you beneath him, bare and vulnerable while he worshiped your body with praises and sinful words. He wanted to make love to you.

Yet he couldn’t. 

Not when you were both haunted by your thoughts.

He slipped his thumb from your mouth taking the sexual atmosphere with it.

“Love?” 

His eyes snapped to yours and he knew then and there that the art of love wouldn’t solve any of your worries, because at the end of the night he’d still travel halfway across the world with the nagging thoughts packed between his briefs and socks.

“Is everything alright?” You gently latched onto his wrist, thumb stroking the back of his hand.

“I love you,” San suddenly confessed.

A crease formed between your brows, lips glued together and eyes almost glossy. You were taken back at the sweet words but even more so at the way he was looking at you – almost sad. 

“Where is this coming from?”

“I love you,” he repeated. 

The scene wasn’t a sense of deja-vu, that much you knew, but rather a memory from a few weeks ago. A memory that was much sweeter and domestic than now. The response San expected to hear didn’t come as quickly as he hoped and through his tipsy vision he recognized a moment of hesitation. 

“Honey?”

“I love you too, San.” 

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” He suddenly asked.

The loving touches and flirty banter went down the drain and you were left with a silence so loud and overwhelming you couldn’t think properly. 

“What?”

“I said, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean something’s got you distracted.”

“There’s nothing going on,” you insisted stubbornly.

“Absolutely nothing?”

“San…everything's fine.”

“Except it isn't! I know you enough to see the changes. You barely sleep and this is the first time in days where I’ve seen you with a real smile.”

It broke his heart to see you slink from his embrace. Arms crossing over your chest and head turning sideway.

“Honey, please talk to me.” He sounded desperate. 

“And I am. There’s nothing wrong.” 

He raked his hand through his hair. The deep sigh whirling around your apartment. 

“Don’t lie. Not to me.”

You stayed silent yet again. 

“I’m here for you, always will be.”

“I can’t,” you whispered into the august breeze.

“What?”

“I can’t tell you,” you repeated a little louder.

“Why?”

“Because you’ll hate me!” It stung San into silence. “You’ll hate me and never want to speak to me again.”

He hungered for your touch, hands itching to reach for yours and as he took a step forward you took one back.

“You can’t keep it bottled up forever, love.” 

“I can try.”

Tears formed in your eyes and your voice cracked. You tried blinking them away but they raced down your cheeks against your will.

“C’mere.”

That was all it took for you to fling yourself at him. Your hands gripped the back of his shirt, nails digging into the expensive material. One hand cradled the back of your head and the other supported your back, rubbing gentle circles against your knitted sweater. San leaned down and pressed a long kiss to your crown, lingering and breathing in the sweet scent of you.

“I can’t breathe without you by my side so if you think I’ll ever hate you, you’re wrong. My love, you could break my heart a thousand times over and I’d still find reason to love you.”

Hot tears soaked into his shirt and you wanted to disagree but the tremble of your lips told you to be quiet so you shook your head violently instead.

You stood there for a long time, in each other’s arms with soft kisses and soothing touches. The emotions swirling around the apartment were too big for your shoulders and the rational part of you knew that you wouldn’t be able to carry them with you much longer.

“I don’t want children.”

It was interesting how a four worded sentence could either be the demise or rise of a relationship. What path your and San’s would take was yet to be determined, but God did you hope it was the latter. 

The argument broke out three days ago and while you've gone months without seeing each other, these 72 hours were by far the most excruciating period of your relationship. You didn’t ever think there’d be a person you’d miss this much. To see and hold, kiss and laugh with.

The first day was spent bathing in your own tears and snot. You were forced out of work by your co-workers as they didn’t buy your lie of ‘everything being alright’. It wasn’t like you could tell them your idol boyfriend of three years ran head first out of your apartment after an argument, absolutely not because you literally told him to give you space. So from nine am to nine pm you were cooped up in your bed, crying, scrolling through your socials, crying some more until you eventually fell asleep. 

The second day wasn’t anything better, except for the three tubs of ice cream you inhaled. They were kept in the back of your freezer for emergencies such as these. With a quick pat on the back for eating something you pushed the containers aside and continued your self wallowing, dressed in one of your (San’s) hoodies that smelled of caramelized sugar. Your phone blew up with calls from your family. Everyone concerned about you suddenly going MIA, but not enough to pay you a visit which you were both thankful and bitter about.

The third following morning came around and you decided that it was time to get your shit together. You still had a job to return to and bills to pay. It was all going well too, you cleaned the apartment and got rid of all the empty ice cream tubs, made a home cooked meal for the first time in three days, you even changed your bedsheets and did the laundry. The last thing on your list was a well deserved full-body shower.

The frantic ring of your doorbell fell on deaf ears as water pattered on your bare body and the tiled floor. Your fingers worked through your hair, rubbing almost painfully at your scalp as shampoo water went down the drain. 

It was first after you cut the stream and stepped out of the shower that you realized someone was at the door. With a roll of your eyes, you leisurely squeezed the excess water out of your hair and wrapped a towel around yourself. The chime of the bell didn’t stop and you were on the brink of insanity.

There were only two people with keys to your place; San and your mom. 

Your parents had no reason for coming all the way to Seoul in the middle of the day and San…even though your relationship wasn’t in the best shape you knew he’d never turn up unannounced, whether he told you by call or text didn’t matter as long as he reached out. He said it was a way of respecting your privacy and as much as you didn’t care for that, it was heartwarming. 

6:30 PM glared the digital clock on the console table in the hallway. 

All you wanted was one normal day. A morning without spilling coffee on your clean clothes, an afternoon without stubbing your toe on the desk in your office and a night without someone trying to sell you cookies or whatnot. It’d also be so much easier to crawl beneath your sheets and cry yourself to sleep without a maniac creating the newest billboard hit outside your apartment, but hey each to their own.

As much as you wanted to swing the door open and bark out profanities at the nuisance, you knew better and opted with looking through the peeping hole. Never did you expect a soaked San to stand there, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet while desperately abusing the doorbell.

San didn’t have time to react, neither at the door being opened nor for you appearing with only a towel. You took hold of his hand and dragged him inside to which he shut the door behind him and somehow managed to take off his shoes. You threw him a spare towel and disappeared in your room. San stood there like a kicked dog, ears flat against his head and tail certainly not wagging. A few seconds later you returned dressed in one of San’s many t-shirts and your pajama shorts, carrying a change of clothes.  

You wordlessly gave them to him and escaped to your room again. San took that as his queue to get dressed. 

The run to your apartment gave him barely any time to collect his thoughts, too busy with providing his burning lungs with air and keeping an eye out for cars and potential followers. So now that he stood, not in front of your door, but in your living room he was completely shitting his pants. 

The cold and distant facade you managed to pull off in front of him crumbled the second you crossed the threshold of your room. You really strained all seventeen of your muscles not to cry and you could argue it was your best accomplishment yet as not a single tear kissed your cheeks.

“Hey.”

You looked up from your spot on the bed. Staring at your partner who stopped by the door. Your throat was dry and itchy, brain indiciseive of what to say and do. He wasn’t supposed to be here, that much you knew. Their agency had this weird rule of not allowing their idols out a day prior to their tour and it didn’t sit right with you knowing he went against their words, for you nonetheless. 

“San, what are you doing here?”

Unsteady sleeping schedules, caffeine filled drinks and insomnia were the standard for idols. Anyone claiming otherwise was either lying straight through their teeth or had a great planning method something San could really use these days. 

San was no stranger to succumbing to sleep at the early hours of the morning or not sleeping at all. The extra time was usually put into practice or perfecting his secret project, and sometimes something simple as laying in bed staring up at the ceiling.

But now it was hard to do any of that with you taking over his every thought. He found himself wondering about things that weren’t supposed to infiltrate his mind for the next five years. 

Get married. Move in. Adopt a cat. Have kids.

A short list of things that were crossing the line between adolescence and adulthood. 

The image of you and San doing that together spread a radiant smile across his face and his roommates, clueless as ever, couldn’t stop their own mouths from curving upwards. There was truly no other person he could think of doing any of that with and his heart was heavy as he realized he may never complete the list.

It took three calls from Seonghwa for San to acknowledge the older man sitting on the edge of his bed beside the open and empty suitcase. 

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Seonghwa leaned back on his arms keeping him from completely falling on the bed and stared at San’s computer screen, nonchalantly watching as he played one of his many games. The elder had come straight out of his own room from finishing a youtube live – a youtube live San crashed for a good fifteen minutes before abruptly leaving – and although Atiny probably didn’t notice the change of behavior in the younger Ateez member, Seonghwa did. 

San sighed as the last character of his team died and the word ‘defeat’ flashed in large capital letters took over the majority of the screen. 

“San-ah.”

Said man placed his expensive headset on the desk and twirled in his chair, and Seonghwa had a feeling the glum look on his features wasn’t from losing the game. 

“I’m not saying you aren’t. I’m just checking if there’s something bothering you. Something I can help you with?” 

The prolonged silence did nothing to soothe Seonghwa’s worries. He closely watched the hesitation slowly crack through San’s facade – bottom lip caught between his teeth, picking at his nails and eyes glazed over, darting literally everywhere except at Seonghwa.

Cautiously, he asked if it had something to do with you and his suspicion was confirmed when their eyes met. 

“It’s…complicated.”

“How so?”

“Because I thought of a thing and it turns out I was right.”

Seonghwa tried asking as few questions as possible to not overwhelm San, but the conversation wasn’t giving him much to work with.

“And what were you thinking about?”

San ran his hands through his black hair and looked as if he was racking his brains, he then violently rubbed at his eyes too. It was one thing to think about the whole situation and another to say it out loud, possibly speaking it into existence. 

“You don’t have to te–”

“Starting a family.” 

The trip to your hometown really did a number on him, Seonghwa thought. 

Cheeks red and palms sweaty, San cleared his throat. A little embarrassed at the confession and for cutting Seonghwa off so abruptly.

“I was thinking of what it’d be like to start a family with her.”

“Starting a what with who?”

Mingi stood in the doorway with parted lips and eyebrows raised to the roof, wet tufts of blonde and black hair peeked from underneath the towel on his head.

“It was just a thought.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with it,” Seonghwa assured.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter.” 

“How come?” Mingi pressed, now leaning against the door.

“Because she doesn’t want a family…or well, at least not kids.”

Seonghwa and Mingi exchanged glances. All of Ateez knew of San’s adoration for kids. Heck, Seonghwa had front row seats to it and all. He remembered thinking how skilled San was with the twins and even with the energized boy. 

But none of it mattered now. If what San said was true – which he had no doubts about – then your choice went above everyone else’s, including San’s. 

“And how do you feel about that?”

San looked at the eldest. “There’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, sure I love kids I do, but I love her more.”

“Then I don’t see what the issue is,” Mingi chimed in. 

“It’s still a bitter situation Mingi, and Sannie has the right to feel…upset. Have you talked to her?” 

San groaned and buried his face in the palms of his hands, thinking back how it all escalated so quickly. The split second he tried processing everything, you’d already decided it was time for him to leave and pushed him out, crying how you needed to be alone. Too stunned to properly react, San did as told.

“I walked out…”

Dread filled their guts as Mingi and Seonghwa patiently waited for the remainder of the story. They hoped San wouldn’t say what they were thinking.

“She confided in me at first and then pushed me away, screaming at me to go and I…listened. ”

“Well that changes the trajectory of things don’t you think?” Mingi said after the minute long silence and Seonghwa shot him a pointed look.

“San, we are not leaving for the tour until you talk to her,” Seonghwa declared. 

The elder had no lover of his own, but he had seen enough movies to know how these situations ended. Spoiler alert: a painful break up for both parties.

San shrugged, “I’m sure Hongjoong would like that.”

“And you don’t think your girlfriend would? Listen here. We’re supposed to leave for the airport at seven am, I’ll give you the night if you make amends.”

Seonghwa stopped before San, a wide smile on his gorgeous face. “Besides, a family doesn’t become a family when a child is brought into it. If you think about it, the three of us and the rest of the guys are like a family, right?”

“We are a family,” Mingi corrected.

“Exactly. So who’s to say you two aren’t one too?” 

“I’m here to do what I should’ve done days ago.”

It was hard to look him in the eye. The sincerity in them had your heart in knots, tugging and tightening with your every breath. 

“Can I come in?”

San had his arms by his side and hands balled into fists to keep them from trembling. There was no doubt in his mind that you’d be in his arms by the end of the night, but it didn’t stop his pulse from skyrocketing.

“You’re already here.” 

A faint, appreciative smile crossed his features as he gingerly took the seat beside you. There was no real malice to your words and he was thankful because honestly speaking he wouldn’t know what to make of it if you still needed ‘time’. San straightened and breathed out a sigh as if letting go of all his nerves.

“I want to start by saying; I’m sorry.”

You snapped your head towards him, confused as to why he was the one apologizing. You were the issue at hand here. You were the one depriving him of something he wished for, you pushed him away. Not the other way around. 

“I’m really sorry for pressuring you–”

“San, no–” You shook your head, tears already threatening to make their dramatic entrance.

“Just listen to me, please.” 

And his desperate plea was their queue to waltz in much to your dismay. 

San lifted your chin so he could see your face and frowned at the tears. “I'm sorry if I ever made you feel obliged to push your feelings aside for me. That has never been my intention and it never will be.”

He cupped your face gently in both hands and wiped away your remaining tears with his thumbs. It pained him to know the tears were inflicted by his doing.

“I love you.”

“San,” you whimpered, barely able to get the word out. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Just breathe for me. I’m not leaving.”

That was your breaking point. You heaved for air as more tears blurred your vision. A heavy weight lifted off your shoulders as you found solace in his words and San felt his own heart break at your wails. Feeling embarrassed you abruptly stood up and put a hand over your mouth to stop the broken cries. Staying true to his words, San hugged you from behind and pressed you into his embrace. Chin resting against your shoulder as his arms went around your waist. You stood like that until your tears ran dry and cries turned into hiccups.

San whispered words of encouragement in your ear, lips grazing the skin with each pronunciation. Your feet moved with his as he maneuvered you to bed and under the covers. A meteor could hit the earth and he wouldn't leave your side. You laid there in silence with your back to his chest. His arm under your neck and the other curled around your waist, keeping you flushed against his front. Your occasional sniffles filled the gaps letting San know you were awake.

“My love,” he started and you shifted as a reply of acknowledgement, “remember that night at your parents’ house? When your mother said something to upset you and you stormed up to your room?”

You nodded while playing with his fingers spread across your abdomen.

“Do you remember what I told you?” 

“That you loved me and nothing would change that.”

He kissed the back of your head. “I still stand by that. I love you. Not what you can or can’t give me. I love you when you cry and I love you when you laugh. I love you through your anger and grief. I love your kindness and selflessness.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, please. You should only apologize when you’ve done something wrong.”

“But I led you on. San, we want different things. You want a child–” your voice cracked and you drew in a sharp breath, “–and that’s not something I’m sure I can give you, ever.” 

“That’s not true.” He sat up and leaned over your body, “I wanna cuddle you to sleep and wake you with breakfast in bed. I want us to buy furniture and assemble it together only to give up halfway through. I want us to bake a ridiculous cake that ends up in a flour fight. I want all of that with you!”

San planted a soft kiss against the back of your hand.

“Children or not, it won’t change the fact that I love you and I’ll continue to say it until all the trees are cut down, until the ocean dries out and all the stars go out. I love you. Always have and always will.”

His caring words drew a smile from you and the harsh knot around your heart slowly came undone. His affectionate eyes searched yours and he’d wait an eternity for your answer, but you didn’t need more time to know what you wanted. Your hands caressed the sides of his neck and with a quick pull of his neck, your lips clashed in a passionate kiss.

Reassuring words and mellow touches. 

© HONGJOONGSPOETRY 2023 - All rights reserved. Copying, editing, reposting or translating my work is not allowed.

MORE

pairing; choi san x reader

warning; one sided crush, friends, angst, fluff.

word count; 464

summary; a sudden feeling arises

The weather was bright today. Your friend San just texted you to meet up and get yourselves some food and cool drinks, perfect for the weather.

It was a new restaurant that opened in your area, surprisingly there was barely any people around. Probably because of the timing being so early. But you don't mind, you enjoy spending time with lesser people around and what's more important is you have your friend, San.

As you both indulged in your meals, you had a nice catch up of things going on in your lives. Once you're both done, you stay seated in the outside dining area whilst San sits opposite you.

"Y/N can you take a couple of pictures for me?"

"Ofcourse"

So there you was turning your phone on and clicking on to camera. San initially closed his eyes for this picture incoming. For the very first time, you felt something in your heart. The way his black silky hair was shining through. The sunlight was hitting directly on to his soft skin, making his face illuminate. Your eyes rendered towards his cold drink he was sipping on from earlier, lips forming a small pout. He looked so cute. Shit. How does he look so gentle and peaceful doing that pose. That's how he looks when he sleeps, so adorable.

Click.

Your watching closely at the camera, eyes unable to look elsewhere. You don't even realise that San opened his eyes which caused you to feel your heart drop. Shit. You hope he didn't notice you with your longing gaze.

But you felt relieved because San spoke out and said he's ready for his next pose. You quickly cleared your throat and waited for the next pose.

This time San looked directly at the camera. Almost like he's watching you. Fuck. His gaze was fixated, not even a blink from his eyes. This made your chest heave up slightly. Your suddenly breathless. You've never felt like this before. It used to be so easy for you to watch him, but here you are struggling to even take a picture. Haha.

Come on just take the picture damn

Fingers were shaking as you clicked, eyes blinking at a speed. Why do you suddenly feel shy infront of your friend. Oh wait, its because he just made your heart flutter. With his innocent look and cutely formed pout, who wouldn't fall for that? Who wouldn't want more?

But you know this can't happen. You're both only friends. That's it. You smile in hurt as the realisation sinks in, you can't really have these thoughts of him. Not when he'd never be with you.

More. I wish i could have more of you San.

copyright ©2023 softie00

groups i've written for so far :

⊹ enhypen ⊹ ateez ⊹ stray kids ⊹ tomorrow x together ⊹ &team

completed works :

♪ song series ♪ (oneshots based on/inspired by songs) :

#1 : first time - choi san, ateez | fluff, friends to lovers

#2 : summer love - lee felix, stray kids | fluff, angst, pining

fake texts :

∘ beomgyu (txt) - random boyfriend texts | fluff/crack & angst/comfort

∘ euijoo (&team) - random boyfriend texts | fluff & angst/comfort

scenarios :

✧ haunted house with enhypen

ongoing works :

maeumi & me - smau | yang jungwon, enhypen | fluff, humour, pet parents au, pining, a dash of angst

upcoming works :

no matter what - mini smau | choi yeonjun, tomorrow x together | fluff, angst, comfort

♪ song series ♪ :

⋆ i loved you (day6)

⋆ half a heart (one direction)

other groups you can expect me to write for :

⊹ seventeen ⊹ day6 ⊹ boynextdoor ⊹ zerobaseone ⊹ nct dream

© please do not steal or repost!

divider credits : @cafekitsune @enchanthings

♪ song series ♪

hi! this is the first instalment in a series of oneshots i will be writing based on/inspired by a certain song. i recommend listening to the song once (even if you've already heard it) before you read it <3

#1 first time (song | song with lyrics)

pairing : choi san x gender neutral reader, ex bf!jung wooyoung x reader

genre : songfic, angst, fluff, comfort, friends to lovers

warnings : none

w.c. : 1.1k

disclaimer : this is purely a work of fiction made for entertainment purposes only!

masterlist

→ #2

Jung Wooyoung had been your first love. You two had dated for only about five months before things turned sour, but the impact those few months had on you was long-lasting. Of course, you had been in love with him long before you actually got together. And it didn't help that you were the only one who seemed to find it so hard to move on while he appeared perfectly happy.

It happened back when you were both in high school, so naturally you were both a bit immature and made mistakes. But the difference was that at the end of the day, you were always willing to learn from them and do better, because you loved him and really wanted it to work. He, on the other hand, never cared enough to try, and it made you feel like you weren't worth the effort.

It didn't seem to faze him at all when you finally ended things, which left you wondering if he ever even loved you in the first place. Because if he cared even half as much as you did, it shouldn't have been so easy for him to walk away, right? Then you would think back to the start of your relationship - the good times you had, the sweet things he did for you - and you would start questioning where it went wrong. Surely, he didn't just wake up one day and fall out of love? Something must have triggered it. You had been so sure you were destined to be together; you fit like two puzzle pieces. How exactly did you mess up? Then you would have to remind yourself that the onus wasn't just on you; it takes two to make any relationship work. You would remind yourself of all the things that had been wrong with the relationship, that you were better off without him. But love tends to blind you to those faults, doesn't it? And when a jarring alarm plunged you back into reality, it hurt all over again. But you couldn't help it, he had been your dream for so long that you had forgotten how to let go.

* * *

Choi San is your best friend. You shared a class on the first day of college where he made some snide comment about the racist professor, and you found it so funny that the sip of water you had just taken came spewing out of your nose. Needless to say, you two had been inseparable since then. Almost a whole year into your friendship, he confessed he had developed feelings for you. He knew that you didn't feel the same, and assured you he didn't expect anything of you. He just wanted to be honest about what he felt. You braced yourself for the end of your friendship - but surprisingly, it persevered. And so things went back to normal. Well, almost - you stopped talking to him about your lingering feelings for Wooyoung.

* * *

You don't know when exactly those feelings faded.

Graduation is in a few months and you can hardly believe it. You're at the park near your university where you've spent countless afternoons. A dozen more afternoons to go and you won't be able to do this anymore. You look over at San lying on the grass next to you, his eyes closed, his mouth turned upwards in a content smile. The sun on his cheeks. The soft breeze ruffling his hair. You find yourself smiling, too.

You don't know when these new feelings started making themselves known, either. Or what set them off, for that matter.

Maybe it was that time you called him in the middle of the night when the power was out. You hadn't expected him to answer even if he was somehow awake, because you had just had an argument that day and hadn't talked since. You didn't argue often but when you did, you both needed a bit of space for a day or two to sulk, before eventually talking it out and making up. So it hadn't even been a whole day since the fight, and if it weren't for the dark, and the thunderstorm roaring outside, and the nightmare you had just woken up crying from, you wouldn't even have called him but you did. Because he was the only person that came to mind. And he answered, like he always did. And that was the first time he sang to you. His voice felt like being kissed on the forehead as you drifted off to sleep.

Or maybe it was the time you showed him your plushie collection and he got so excited you couldn't handle how cute he was.

Or the time you got so worried when he missed class one day and he wouldn't answer any of your calls or texts and it turned out it was because he had to take a wounded kitten to the vet.

Or the time you cooked him his favourite meal for his birthday and he wouldn't stop boasting about it to everyone.

“What are you staring at?” the sound of his voice pulls you back to the present, and you realise your eyes have been glued to his face for who knows how long.

He arches an eyebrow at you, his soft smile stretching out into a teasing grin, and you could swear you feel butterflies in your stomach. Butterflies that you thought had long died, back in highschool.

“Nothing,”

He shakes his head, resuming his sun bath. You resume admiring his features.

This wasn't pity or gratitude, you were sure. You didn't know what this was yet but you knew it wasn't that. And you knew that whatever this was, it felt as warm and golden as the sunlight on your faces.

You lay down next to him, scooting a little closer than you usually would. If he notices this, he doesn't say anything. You try to think of the last time you thought about Wooyoung and find that surprisingly, you can't remember. And nor does it bother you. He is no longer the face that frequents your dreams, or the name that makes your heart do summersaults.

Your fingers softly graze San's. He doesn't respond at first, and you think he's fallen asleep. Then they twitch, just a little - hesitant, confused. Your fingertips caress the side of his hand every so lightly, and you link your little finger with his. There's a brief pause. Then he takes your hand in his, and you give it a tight squeeze. He squeezes back. All this, while the rest of your bodies lay motionless and your hearts race like the wings of a hummingbird. All this, while your eyes are closed and your giddy smiles light up your faces like the sun.

A passerby might not have noticed this little interaction. Even if they did, they wouldn't think much of it - just two friends fiddling around, or maybe a couple enjoying their date. But only the two of you would know the gravity of this moment. Only the two of you feel the silent shift in your relationship, of new dreams taking shape. A small step in the eyes of everyone else, a giant leap for the both of you.

Love Thy Husband

Kingpin's Son!Choi San x Chubby arranged wife! Reader

I:Love Thy Husband- II: Bring Me Home

3 month later …In the heart of Namhae-eup..

Average as any other day, from the time you open your eyes and step out your room, your husband is missing, drowning you in eerily silent yet you feel relieved not having to be under his watchful eye. Bathtime it is then…Where does he go this early ? It’s 7:00am.

You fell into deep thought as the steam filled the bathroom and the running water acted as soft background ambience. Did he eat before he left?… Why do I care if he’s eaten it’s not like he gives a hot damn about me….the only time I get to leave is for “outings”. I’m arm candy, luckily, my veil isn’t great when it comes to eye contact and keeping conversation.

Your “wedding” came to mind~

The abrupt chime of the wedding bells sealed your doom. It was time to go. The heartbreaking realization felt like a jab in your chest, weakening you to your knees. In that moment, the hot tears streaming down your cheeks were impossible to hold back.

Your sorrowful whimpering brought your mother to your side, whispering words of encouragement and warmth. Yet, her comforting words only deepened your sadness within.

Your husband's mother even came over peacefully, expressing remorse and apologizing for her husband's actions. She knew she wasn't your ally right now, but she assured you, "San is a good boy. He wouldn't lay a hand on a woman if he knows what's good for him."

The sudden, warm grip beneath your arm startled you into stillness. "Are you alright?" His deep voice sent shivers racing up your spine. "We need to go." His voice started to irritate you, you know its not his fault he’s just following his monster of a father’s orders but you can’t help blaming him in some way out of bitterness since he appears to be content in his father’s choice.

“ Yn? I can carry you-“ San’s sweet offer was met with violence as you swing your gloved hand almost whacking him if not to his quick reflexing, his eyes shift from his large hand caging your tiny one back to your “face.”

San's brow furrows, his expression a mix of concern and self-reproach. This wasn’t his fault—he’s in the same boat as you, and yet he’s been nothing but a perfect gentleman since the moment you met just hours ago. And now, you dare to raise your hand towards him, or at least try to.

A flicker of amusement dances in his eyes—cute. With a delicate pinch, he catches the edge of your veil, playfully flicking it over your face. The harsh pink of your teary eyes and the soft curve of your nose tug at his heartstrings, though his expression remains stoic.

You gasp, clutching his arms as he effortlessly pulls you to your feet once more. "We have to go now, I’m sorry to rush you, sweetheart." His words come out in gentle, hesitant beats, each pause a reminder that English isn’t his first language. You wonder, fleetingly, what was.

Before you can respond, San steals a glance at his watch, then swiftly scoops you into his strong arms, cradling you against his chest as if you weighed nothing at all.

You crossed your eyes, annoyed by the warmth in your cheeks where your memory began to fade. He’s strong..I will give him that..

…

The bubbles melt away your worries expect for one. I mean it’s not really a problem if I think he’s cute. He is my “ hubby”….after all and I’m not even sure of what I saw . The small creaking in the floorboards was drowned by your soft music and humming. Meanwhile on the another side of the walls, San grunts as his back hits the top of the stairs,

Exhausted, your husband collapsed on the stairs, struggling to catch his breath. "Damn it, I really need to piss!" he groaned, throwing his head back in frustration, only to smack it against the step above.

"Ack! That hurt!" San hissed, rubbing the back of his head as irritation bubbled to the surface. Every little thing around him seemed to get under his skin, as if the entire world was conspiring to push him over the edge. "Why is everything so damn aggravating?" he muttered, the annoyance palpable in his voice.

In a surge of pure, unbridled fury, San slammed his fists into the wall, leaving a couple of gaping holes behind. The force of his anger also tore a large chunk of the railing from its mount, sending it crashing to the floor.

He stood there for a moment, seething, as his father's words echoed in his mind like a relentless drumbeat—orders and expectations suffocating him like a noose. Nothing will ever be good enough for him.

San's tie was the final straw, its constriction around his neck driving him to the edge. With a frustrated growl, he yanked the fabric down, as if tearing it away could somehow relieve the tension coiled inside him.

"When that girl bears you a son, you'll understand, my boy," his father had said, his voice dripping with a sincerity that only fueled San's anger. The words, meant to console, did nothing but fan the flames of his rage.

The unsettling sensation of being watched prickled at San, prompting him to glance over his shoulder. His eyes locked onto his wife, who was timidly peeking around the corner. The sight of his bare chest, revealed in his frustration, brought a flush to her cheeks as she took in his stunning yet indecent display.

In the blink of an eye, she vanished, the bathroom door slamming shut behind her with a force that echoed through the hall. Poor San stood there, his hand dropping awkwardly after she blatantly ignored his small, hesitant wave.

Rude, perhaps, or maybe she was frightened—of what, he couldn't fathom. His gaze drifted to the wall, and suddenly, his breath hitched. The sight before him was shocking: the rail piece he had been holding now lay on the floor, a victim of his accidental brute strength. "Oh," he muttered, his eyes wide with realization, "Oops."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the bathroom door, you felt trapped. His broad frame was blocking your only exit, and he was standing so close to the stairs that you knew there was no easy escape. Your room was upstairs, and you silently cursed yourself for choosing to use this bathroom instead of the one safely tucked away in your own space.

Taking a deep breath to steady your nerves, you finally summoned the courage to swing the door open. But as it creaked on its hinges, there stood San, closer than you anticipated, his presence filling the doorway.

San, his expression softened with concern, the tension between you palpable yet oddly comforting. His presence was overwhelming, but not in a suffocating way. It was as though the air around him carried a warmth that you hadn't noticed before, a gentle calm that contrasted sharply with the turmoil in your chest.

"I'm sorry if I startled you," San's voice was deep and soothing, a hint of apology lingering in his tone. He stepped back slightly, giving you the space you so desperately craved yet somehow didn't want anymore. His gaze never left yours, filled with an unexpected tenderness that made your heart flutter.

You exhaled, your shoulders relaxing slightly as you took in his sincere expression. "It's okay," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. "I just… wasn't expecting anyone."

A kitty.He looks like a cat. It feels like it’s been years since you’ve seen his face, his sharp eyes and glare give off a harsh aura despite his words and soft tone. Was it on purpose? You found it difficult to keep eye contact without getting flushed from his eyes but looking down at his exposed chest was a whole other problem. His whole handsome face is the problem, honestly.

"You're even cuter without your heels," he muttered, a sly grin playing on his lips as he took in how your smaller frame matched up to his. His eyes, though mischievous, stayed fixed on your face, a feigned act of respect, even as he relished how the flimsy white cloth clung to your plush curves, teasing him mercilessly. " I have to use the bathroom." He nods behind you.

You moved, swiftly out the way gripping your towel, allowing him to waltz into the bathroom.

He knows you like the difference between you and his bathtub, but this is the first time he's walked straight into the refreshing cloud you left behind. The sweet scent matched your soft body as you brushed past him, turning to close the door, but you were already long gone upstairs.

You gripped your towel tightly as you slid down the door, your knees weak beneath you. The embarrassment of being caught in such a state burned in your cheeks.He's even more handsome now than he was three months ago. It looks like he's been working out... I can see the definition of his muscles beneath his shirt.

The small scene replays in your mind, of him towering over you, yet you notice how he steps back, careful not to startle you. He's got this undeniable sass about him.. You notice his large hands resting on his hips and realize that his dress shoes have a slight heel, which clicks softly against the wooden floor.

Your heart skipped a beat hearing San's door close. You decided you definitely needed more fresh air, leading you down the road you're on now.

While you were enjoying yourself, you didn’t notice that you had triggered the house security alarm. Luckily, your husband was so sleepy that it went unnoticed for a full hour.

To make matters worse it wasn't your husband who discovered the alarm but his elders deciding on a surprise visit.

"San. San! Yah! Choi SAN!"

Talk about a rude awaking, Hongjoong Hyung sat in a lounging chair in the corner of the room, his left foot was extended before he crossed his legs. A strong jolt shook the bed, awaking up your tired hubby.

San groaned before looking at his elder who was simply unimpressed. "Hyung?.." He stretched his remaining remnants of his drowsiness. " What are you doing here?" He hung his head low as he spoke from tiredness? Or respect?

Seonghwa’s voice crashed like a thunderclap, delivering the news the elders had long dreaded, since they were notified about the house alarm that screamed through the home. "She’s gone." His deep voice words tore through the now thick, pregnant silence between Hongjoong and San. San’s chest tightened; enduring one scolding was enough.

Yet, only a fool would believe that Hongjoong's shadow was far behind.

"She's gone?!" San shot up from his bed, fully dressed despite his rumpled state, his eyes wide with disbelief. 'Are you serious?!' In an instant, he was out the door, leaping over furniture in his desperate rush to the front. The elders' voices called after him-

"He forgot his shoes," Seonghwa muttered, as he and Hongjoong stood outside, watching San disappear from sight, completely clueless about where he was headed.

Hongjoong clicked his teeth before stating." He forgot his common sense too. He's just running in a direction. Ah shi-" He then quickly raised his phone to his ear. " Yunho. We need a inner search party keep it under wraps from Choi senior. Clear?"

A firm 'Yes, Sir' ended the conversation as the line went dead immediately after.

…

To be continued..

Cupid's Arrow - Choi San

Synopsis: You refused to spend another Valentine's Day alone. You have tried online dating, having friends set you up on spontaneous dates, and even made efforts to flirt in public. This year, you were settling for something a bit different - speed-dating.

Pairing: non-idol!Choi San x fem. reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, trying to find love in a major city

Warning: mentions alcohol consumption, slight vulgar language, suggestive sexual activity

Word Count: 3.8k

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

"This is.. West 4th-Washington Square. Please stand clear of the opening doors."

Your heart was racing, your body practically trembling as you stared forward. Was this actually going to happen?

Ding

Quickly but carefully, you pushed yourself out of the opening of the subway. You didn't want to get trampled by the crowds of people trying to get in. You've learned better to just move as quickly as possible if you want to make it to your destination on time.

You also learned how easily frustrated people get when they are behind someone who either doesn't know where they are going or is just walking slowly.

Last year, you took the leap of faith and moved to New York City. Like many others, you dreamed of moving to this extravagant place to make a name for yourself. You daydreamed of walking the busy streets and having a cute tiny apartment with a skyline view. You sacrificed that latter wish for an in-unit washer and dryer - a real jackpot find!

While you certainly have made friends in the city, you often find yourself frustrated with the dating department. You have been on several first dates, a few that turned into second and third dates. One or two turned into potential relationships.

Yet, it would quickly fizzle out.

At first, you thought that it was something with you. You tried changing how you approach first dates, how you dress for them - anything that you thought you could be doing wrong was thought over meticulously.

"The problem isn't you," your roommate vowed. Your racing mind was settled by the NYC Dating Queen herself. She has been through the wringer with guys throughout the whole city. "You're in your 20s in New York City," she laughed. "Most guys are thinking with their dick first then their brain. Ever notice how many guys are reaching back out, begging for another chance?"

You slowly nodded your head. "Yeah, which is so annoying because by the time they think straight, I've already moved on."

Maybe you were a bit old-fashioned when it came to love. No, you weren't in the market to settle down quite yet. You wanted to meet someone and take things slow, go on dates, and be exclusive before making that big of a commitment. Getting the conversation out of the dating apps was the first milestone you wanted to achieve.

"Good! Don't give them any type of satisfaction. All of these guys are dates from Tinder?" "Yep," you announced, making sure to pop the 'p' before taking a sip out of your wine glass. "So you're also getting the mix of tourist guys who are just horny and wanting to fuck while visiting the city."

You groaned at the realization, your head leaning back against the arm of the couch. How was she always right about this kind of stuff?

"You deserve to meet your prince charming in another way. Clearly, dating apps are not cutting it." "And going up to a guy at the bar scares me," you confessed before fixing your posture.

The two of you were sitting on the couch. It was a snowy night in the city which caused many of your evening plans to get canceled. The two of you were nestled on the couch, watching a movement on HBO Max with a chilled bottle of red wine. Your other roommate managed to escape the apartment to go on a date tonight. Lucky bitch.

"You know how our lovely roommate is out on a date?"

You nodded again as you looked over, an eyebrow raised. Wherew as this going?

"She only got together with him once she deleted the dating apps and tried something different." And the look on your other roommate's face told you she had something planned for you.

That was how you find your way navigating through the busy streets of Manhattan. You had no idea that speed-dating was so popular, or that it could be successful. Your roommate's current relationship gave you hope that meeting someone this authentically could be the solution to your problems.

Tonight, speed-dating was taking place at a bar in Greenwich Village. You've honestly been trying to come grab brunch here as you were drawn to the aesthetics shown off on social media.

It did bring a smile to your face to see the white-painted door surrounded by vines. Three brick steps led up to the front door. It was like a little escape room all the steel and concrete of the city.

Even though you were ecstatic to be going to this new place, it didn't help your nerves. You were the type of person who loved getting to know someone for sure, but something was intimidating about going on multiple "first dates." You had to put on a good impression for more than an hour.

“Hi, you also hear for the speed dating?” A voice called out from beside you.

You looked over to see the most gorgeous man. He was tall, dressed in a black button up which peaked from the grey winter coat he was wearing. His hair was sleeked back with a few strands framing his forehead. He also wore this soft smile which made your knees weak. He was definitely going to be hot commodity tonight.

You nodded slightly, offering also a gentle smile. “How could you tell?” “Let’s just say I’m hoping to get to know you better tonight,” he said, winking.

It took everything in you not to let your jaw drop. You never met someone who spoke so coolly. He was the total package.

“Come on, let’s get you out of the cold. You’re practically shivering.”

Maybe it was from the chilly evening hair. Or maybe it was your nerves overriding your system. Either way, you were not going to disclose the truth. Not when this gentleman had his hand placed on your lower back to help you inside.

“Already trying to win me over?” You asked teasingly. “How could you tell?” He asked, matching your tone from earlier.

The two of you shared soft laughter as you crossed the threshold into the cocktail bar. There were tables lined up with white linen, a candle in the middle, and a short bouquet of flowers. Frank Sinatra was playing overheard, both screaming New York and romance. The mystery man stood slightly behind you, his hand leaving your back which you already missed.

“Hi! Sorry, we are closed for a private event,” the hostess said. “Oh no, sorry! We are both here for the speed-dating event,” you explained.

The hostess blush lightly from her mistake before nodding her head. “My apologizes, I assumed you two were already a couple since you walked in together. Can I get your name, please?”

You couldn’t help but feel your heart flutter at the insinuation. Sure, you guys happened to cross paths with the handsome stranger. Possibilities were endless though!

“Y/f/n y/l/name” “Great! All checked in. Here is your number ticket that indicates your table. And here is two drink tickets for the evening.”

You nodded, saying a quick “thank you.” You took the tickets before putting your phone in your purse. It bought you enough time to overhear the stranger behind you and gain some pieces of his identity.

“And your name, sir?” “Choi San.”

You smiled to yourself once you got his name. Choi San.

Not wanting to linger anymore, you began making your way to the long row of tables. Each table had a heart laminated and taped to the table. They were numbered 1-16. Glancing down at your ticket, you saw you were placed at number 7, your own lucky number.

More people were beginning to file into the establishment. However, you were trying your best not to scope out too much. You wanted to go into this open-minded, wanting to take in the experience while remaining open to the potential of finding a new connection. It didn’t help that your mind was already infiltrated with a man named Choi San.

“Looks like I’ll have to wait a little bit to get to know you, pretty girl,” San said.

He winked at you as he passed by your table, heading towards Table 8. Looks like you’ll be ending your night on a high note if he would be your last encounter of the night. You watched him for a moment. He sat on the opposite side of you, giving an indicator that the men will either be transitioning or the females will.

Feeling your eyes on him, he looked over at you too quickly for your liking. It didn’t give you enough of a chance to glance away. Your cheeks were also a key indicator what you had been up to, which weren’t really concealed despite the dimmed lighting. He chuckled lightly underneath his breath before he got to work at shrugging off his jacket.

You couldn’t pull your eyes away when his jacket off did in fact confirm the black button up he was wearing. What kept your attention was the way his fingers got to work unbuttoning the top 2, revealing his golden chest underneath. You wanted to be respectful, but you couldn’t help but slightly gawk at the man adjacent from you.

“Keep your eyes on me, angel. I’ll be coming for you.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Welcome ladies and gentleman to our fifth annual Cupid's Speeding Dating! Here is how it's going to go. Men are going to move to the left, switching the seat to chat with a new woman. You will have five minutes to make your best first impression."

Your eyes shifted over towards San, seeing that he would be moving further away from you at first. However, that just means you get to be the last person he talks to tonight.

"You know, there are a lot of things I can do in 5 minutes." You were interrupted by your internal thoughts by the man across from you. Your nose scrunched up as you understand quickly what he was suggesting.

"Please do not exchange numbers or socials until the next of the event. We want to make sure you are investing more into your conversations."

The guy across from you smirked again, winking. Ugh! Does this guy really think he has a chance?

You leaned back into the seat, wanting to create distance from you and your first date of the evening. You weren't much of a person to fixate on appearances. I mean, the guy was quite attractive. Yet, the moment he opened his mouth, all possible attraction flew out the door. It honestly just made you yearn more for San.

Noticing movement out of his peripheral, San glanced over. He flashed you a smile before going to pay attention to his current date. Sure, he knew he was most excited to talk to you, but he also didn't want to be rude. He just couldn't help but glance over to make sure you were okay.

"You can begin!" The host said excitedly.

Soon, the cocktail bar was filled with chatter. You decided to take a sip of water to ease your nerves, but also try to come up with a conversation to have with this guy. You were forced to be sat at the same time for the next five minutes anyways.

"So, what's your favorite position?"

This might possibly be the longest five minutes of your life.

Luckily, the guy talked more about himself which helped time run out. He was leaning across the table, as if he was trying to look down the top of your dress which caused you to only lean back into the wooden back of the chair. You also were silently thankful when the waitress brought over your first drink of the evening.

Beep beep beep. Beep beep beep.

"Okay, gentleman, please move one to your left."

The guy across from you let out a groan before pushing himself up. "I'll catch you after tonight," the guy said, winking. "Maybe we can go home together. Or slip into the bathroom for a little fun." You didn't even catch his name nor did you want to.

"It was nice chatting with you," San said next to you. "Good luck this evening!" There is an example of a gentleman.

As he got up to head to the next table, he smiled once more at the girl he was first chatting to. He also took a moment to glance at you, smiling a bit brighter. You felt as if you were going to melt in your seat. You just had to wait 14 more rounds before you got to be alone with San.

The second quickly blended itself until the 10th round. Sure, you loved chatting with the guys, and you could see yourself potentially going on a real first date with one or two. However, the whole time, you kept glancing over at San.

It would cause a twitch in your heart when he laughed at another girl's joke. The further he separated from you, the less you noticed his eyes finding yours. The reality that he could be more interested in someone else was beginning to set in. He could very much land at your table, being the last date of the night, and be exhausted. He could already have his heart set on another which caused you to sigh softly.

"I see you have eyes for someone already."

Looking up, you were greeted by a wide smile. The gentleman in front of you took a seat in front of you, running his hands through his hair to push back his hair. He was wearing an all-black outfit - dress pants that had a white, thin strip running up the side; a black v-neck that showed the silver chain around his neck, and a slightly oversized black sport coat.

"Sorry," you laughed lightly, blushing a bit. You didn't want to give off the wrong impression, especially when this gentleman seemed kind.

"No need to be sorry. Should introduced myself since it sees that you're gawking at my best friend," he said proudly. "My name is Wooyoung, and you are?"

You raised an eyebrow, feeling a bit intrigued. "Y/n." You took a sip out of your cocktail before setting it down on the counter. "You are friends with San?" "Oh, I see you two are on a first-name basis now. When is the wedding?"

Your cheeks got hotter as you took another sip out of your drink, which caused the young man to laugh. "Don't worry, I've seen him checking you out as well." "Stop, you're just saying that," you laughed. "We only met literally 30 minutes ago. There is no way that he is checking me out and I haven't noticed."

Leaning back into his chair, a smug grin curled onto his lips. He had one hand on the table, and the other resting on the back of the chair.

"You have no reason to trust me since I'm a complete stranger. However, I know my best friend. And I can tell you right now that if you look to my right side, you would be able to see San. And I bet he's fuming that his best friend is chatting up the girl he's been eyeing all evening."

You raised an eyebrow at this man's analysis. He looked at you challengingly, egging you on to look over to his right.

Unable to resist, you looked over. Your eyes widened as you noticed San was glancing from his date over to your table. His fists were clenched slightly while he did his best to maintain his composure in front of the woman he was chatting to. Yet, it was as if steam was about to shoot out of his ears.

"See?" Wooyoung said triumphantly. "You've got San wrapped around your pretty little finger, y/n."

Seeing San make eye contact with you, his eyes widened before he quickly looked away. You couldn't help but smile a bit brighter, your confidence starting to rise again. Maybe Wooyoung was right after all.

Beep beep beep. Beep beep beep.

"I'll definitely be seeing you around, y/n. Have a good rest of your evening," Wooyoung announced. He pushed himself up from his seat, about to move to the next table.

One thing you learned about Wooyoung in your short encounter was that he was filled with evil schemes and plots. For example, calling out how you and San kept looking at each other as if nobody could notice. You learned that while San was his best friend, he also liked getting a rise out of him.

Before you could say anything back to him, Wooyoung moved closer to you. He leaned down to press a firm kiss to your cheek, one everyone at the speed-dating event could see. Your eyes widened at his action. What was he thinking?!

People seemed to notice which caused cheers from the guys in attendance while the other women gasped. "Please keep it moving, Romeo," the event host announced. "You'll have enough time to show affection later."

"You'll thank me later," he whispered to you before moving to the seat at the next table.

You felt a bit guilty for not remembering the four guys. They seemed very friendly, having personalities that made it easy to talk to. You guys couldn't describe what on Earth was even said, not when your mind was counting down until you finally got to talk to San.

"You're a great listener, y/n. Too early to ask for your number?" "The host said no exchanging until after."

You looked over to see San standing up straight. You didn't think he did so maliciously, but it was obvious he was annoyed by the guy still sitting down. The guy you just talked to glanced over at you before putting his hands up in surrender and getting up.

Just as quick as the guy stood up, San slid into the seat. He moved the chair in so he could lean slightly over the table. "Do you like knowing your a hot commodity, angel?" He asked softly, a drastic change from how he just spoke.

"I have no idea what you are referring to," you said innocently.

San's hand moved to rest close to yours, his fingertips ghosting over your own. It sent electric shocks throughout your body just be being in close proximity.

"So you don't want to admit that my best friend had you giggling? You couldn't have thought that Wooyoung was seriously that funny. He gets all his best jokes from me!"

You could see San was getting a bit worked up. His chest was puffed up, wanting to present himself as a better option against whoever stood in his way, even if it was his best friend. Little did San know he had no true competition when you've had your eyes on him all evening.

"Actually, I found it adorable how jealous you get. Wooyoung merely pointed out this fact," you said, smirking.

You noticed then San's shoulders slump over a bit. His cheeks were flushed as he stared at you for a moment before looking towards the end of the row where Wooyoung was. Wooyoung, who was watching you two this whole time and offered a wave over to you two.

Sensing that San was getting a bit flustered, you moved your hand to rest on his. This caused his attention to move back to you, a smile curling onto his lips. He glanced down at your hands, eyes flickering to yours. You were not sure what he was looking for, but it became clear once he slipped his fingers in between yours.

And he looks for consent before doing anything? What a jackpot.

"I'll have to admit though. I was also getting jealous. I didn't like seeing you laugh with other girls when it should've been me," you confessed. Sure, you were just as embarrassed owning up to your faults, but you also hoped an ounce of your truth made San feel better.

It seemed to do the trick as his body relaxed. His thumb gently caresses the side of your index finger. You noticed his eyes were not leaving yours whatsoever, unlike before when his eyes would wonder around.

"Well, darlin', we don't need to wait anymore. You've got me all to yourself."

You and San spent the next hour or so chatting. You talked about your childhood, how you both ended up in New York City, and all your favorite things. Every time you talked, San looked at you as if you were made out of gems. He just adored listening to you, finally being sat at the same table with you.

San has always wanted to come to the United States. At first, it was to practice his English. However, he quickly realized that he wanted to learn more about people. He was currently researching graduate programs to study Sociology.

So not only is he kind and physically attractive, but he also was outgoing and intelligent. He was just checking every one of your boxes!

But he also was falling hard for you. He was impressed with how you took a leap into moving to New York City by himself. He was lucky to have Wooyoung whoo made the whole transition easier, so he couldn't imagine taking on the city solo. He admired your courage.

He also wouldn't vocalize it quite yet but he almost felt as if you two were destined to be in the same city.

The two of you didn't even notice that the other participants had left. The guys you had talked to tried staying around to grab your number, fuming at how San seemed to have snatched all your attention. Being the great friend Wooyoung is, he ushered them out so you and San could be uninterrupted.

It was as if Wooyoung was your own Cupid, doing everything in his power to make sure the love connection worked.

"I'm sorry, love birds, but we need to close up for the night."

San and you looked around, not realizing that all the tables had been cleaned and cleared after the event. The room was silent except for the noise of movement in the kitchen.

Looking back at you, he bit his lip. The clogs were stirring in his mind as if he was trying to figure out what to do next. Of course, you two would leave the cocktail bar, but then what? He looked as if he was afraid to say goodbye, and so were you.

"Why don't we walk around the Village? I'm sure we could find a late-night diner that isn't too crowded." "That sounds perfect."

San helped you out of the table before lifting yup your winter coat. He held it out for you, assisting you in slipping your arms through the sleeves. You turned slightly to press a kiss to his cheek, which made San light up like a little kid on Christmas day.

He quickly slipped on his own jacket before going to rest his hand back on your lower back. He nodded his head, both apologizing for overstaying but thanking the host for putting together the event.

She smiled understandingly as she witnessed San escort you back outside. His free hand pushes the front door open for you.

Maybe love did exist in New York City after all.

so sorry for being MIA this week haha there’s a lot changing in my personal life so I’m just trying to navigate through it all. I’m also going to try to get some pieces published and continue to work on a few requests tonight & tomorrow 🤞🏻

* WORK IN PROGRESS *

Virgin!Yunho request

Part 2 of Eye Contact w

Boyfriend!San because I need some feel good fluff after this bad week haha

Song Series One-shot: Choi San — Into You

Genre: SMUT (MDNI / 18+), fluff, idol au, fwb to lovers au

Pairing: ateez San x idol!reader (fem)

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings/content: heavy making out, dry humping, breast play, oral sex (f receiving) / cunnilingus, clit play, fingering, hand job, cum eating (f), vaginal penetration, protected sex (pill), multiple orgasms, aftercare, pet names (sweetheart, baby, good girl, pretty girl), praising, sorry if I missed anything!

Disclaimer: Please note that my Song Series One-shots are purely based on how I personally interpret the lyrics of the songs I chose for this series. It is not based on the music video (if it has one).

Song Inspiration: Into You by Ariana Grande

You watched the stage lights dim, casting a soft glow over the bustling, cheering crowd, various colored lightsticks twinkling like little stars. Your group stepped into the backstage area, and a familiar rush of adrenaline coursed through you while a staff member helped you take your in-ear monitors off.

Tonight’s performance at a major music festival had been electric, your voice carrying through the venue like a siren’s call. Your group had been practicing very hard for this festival, and your body was begging for some well-deserved rest and some food.

But now, amidst the crowd of technicians, staff, and fellow artists backstage, you searched for one person: Choi San.

“Good job out there, Y/N,” your group's leader said and pats you on the shoulder. You offered her a quick smile in return, but your eyes continued scanning the area. She smirked at you and left you alone, knowing exactly who you were searching for.

Then you spot him, leaning against the far wall, his gaze already fixed on you. San’s dark eyes glittered with an intensity that sent a shiver down your spine. He straightened up, pushing away from the wall. He strides towards you, his eyes scanning you from head to toe, mentally thanking your stylists for putting you in such a great outfit that really highlighted your beautiful features and hugged your body.

“Y/N,” he greets, his voice a low rumble. You bowed to him as he was your senior in this industry, knowing that there are people around that could be observing the two of you very closely. “You were incredible out there," he complimented.

San looked visibly exhausted as Ateez had performed right before your group did. He wanted to lie down and close his eyes, but he would never miss the uncommon opportunity to watch you perform on stage. Despite the tiredness, he still looked like he was going for a magazine photoshoot.

You laughed lightly, though the sound is tinged with nervous excitement from seeing him after weeks. “Thanks, San. You weren’t so bad yourself." Your eyes couldn't help but scan his muscular arms, marveling at how built he was. He seemed to have gained more muscle from the last time you saw him weeks ago.

He smirked, a teasing glint in his eye. “Just not bad, huh?”

“You know what I mean,” you replied, rolling your eyes playfully. “What’s up?”

San’s expression turns serious, his gaze piercing. He looked at his surroundings before shifting his gaze back to you. “Can we talk somewhere private?”

Your heart skips a beat. “Sure, follow me, I know a place.”

It hadn’t always been this way—the two of you lost in each other’s orbit. In fact, the first time you met San was far from the intense, passionate moment you now shared. It was at an after-party of an awards show a year ago, a glitzy affair full of laughter, music, and mingling with fellow idols.

You were standing by the bar, nursing a drink and chatting with some fellow idol friends when you felt a presence beside you. Turning, you found San leaning casually against the counter of a bar, a mischievous smile on his lips.

When the bartender approached him, he gently cleared his throat. "One chocolate martini with extra chocolate liqueur, please," he ordered, and you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow, utterly fascinated by his choice of cocktail.

“Y/N, right?” he asked when he noticed he caught your attention, his voice smooth.

You nodded, intrigued. “And you’re San. Your group's been killing it lately.”

He chuckled, a low, warm sound, and you noticed his cute dimples. “Thanks, that's kind of you to say," he said, "I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I’m a fan of your work.”

You felt a flush of pleasure at his words, and your heart was beating rapidly. “Thank you, and I'm a big fan of your work too," you said, taking a sip of your drink. "So, what brings you here?”

“Just looking to unwind a bit,” he replied, his gaze locking onto yours with an intensity that made your heart skip a beat. “Maybe meet some interesting people.”

The night had flowed effortlessly from there. You found yourselves in deep conversation, talking about everything from music to dreams and fears. There was an undeniable chemistry, a pull that neither of you could ignore.

It was no surprise when, later that night, you ended up in a quiet, secluded corner of the party's venue, lips locked in a fervent kiss. The taste of him, the chocolate you could taste on his lips, the feel of his hands on your skin—it was intoxicating.

That night had been the first of many. Whenever your groups crossed paths, you found yourselves drawn to each other, sneaking away for stolen moments of passion and connection. Each encounter only deepened the bond between you two, making it harder to deny the feelings that had grown.

Presently, you led him to a secluded corner of the venue, away from prying eyes and eager ears, no cameras in sight; this was a place you found when you had a mental breakdown during an awards show and needed a place to cry.

The muffled sounds of the ongoing concert created a bubble of intimacy around you two. San steps closer, his presence overwhelming.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper.

You swallow hard, your pulse quickening. “Yeah?”

He nods, his eyes never leaving yours while he stepped even closer to you. “I can barely breathe when you’re around, Y/N. It’s like you’ve got this hold on me, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Your breath catches in your throat. “San...” He was so close, and you realized that he indeed got bigger since the last time you saw him. The new haircut and dyed navy blue hair made his features look sharper. Half his abs were covered by the black leather crop top he was wearing, and his pants seemed to be hanging a little lower than what you saw on the screen when he was performing before. You wanted to get even closer to him; you wanted to cross the line.

San’s voice broke through your little reverie. “Remember the first time we met?”

You smiled, nodding. “At that party. You were so confident.”

He laughed softly. “I was nervous as hell. But there was something about you, Y/N. I couldn’t stay away.”

“And now we’re here,” you murmured, your hand reaching out to his face, fingers tracing the line of his jaw.

“Yeah,” he whispered, his breath warm against your skin. “And I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

The temperature in the area seemed to rise, the air thick with anticipation. You knew that this was a turning point, a moment that would define whatever came next. And you were ready, ready to take that leap with San.

He takes your hand, his touch sending a jolt of electricity through you. “I don’t want to play games anymore. I need to know if this is real, if we’re real.”

You squeeze his hand, feeling the warmth of his skin against yours. “It feels real to me, San. But it’s dangerous, you know that. With everyone watching us…” One mistake and a scandal could ruin both your careers.

San steps even closer, placing a finger under your chin to tilt your head back, his lips just inches from yours. “A little danger never scared me, Y/N. What scares me is not knowing what we could be.”

Your heart races as his words sink in. The air between you crackles with unspoken desire. “So, what do we do?”

His eyes darken with determination. “We take a chance. No more waiting, no more hiding.”

You nod, your decision made. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

San’s lips curve into a slow, confident smile. “Then come here.”

When you finally pull away at the interruption of the crowd's cheering when another group finished performing, both of you are breathless. San’s forehead rests against yours, his eyes closed in bliss. "Come over tomorrow?" he mumbled.

He pulls you into his arms, the world fading away as your lips meet in a kiss that’s been weeks in the making. The passion between you is undeniable, a fire that’s been waiting to ignite. You lose yourself in the moment, the taste of him, the feel of his body against yours. This was dangerous. This was scandalous.

And oddly, that's how you wanted it.

You didn't catch what he said. "Huh?"

Checking your appearance in your bathroom mirror one last time, you shoved your wallet, keys, and your phone into your bag. You switched your bedroom lights off before you tip-toed to your apartment door.

He moved to place a kiss below your ear. "Come over tomorrow night... my apartment," he whispered. "I'll pick you up."

"Going somewhere, honey?" you heard a familiar voice behind you, and you gasped in shock. "God! Maya, you scared me," you said to your fellow band mate and noticed she seemed to be going somewhere as well. "Where are you going?"

She giggled, "With you, of course." You raised an eyebrow. "I wanted to see Seonghwa, so he's coming with San to get us," she elaborates and you smirk at her. "Anyway, lets go, Y/N, they're here."

The two of you put your face masks and hats on before making your way downstairs to the parking lot.

"So you and Seonghwa... since when?" you ask and she blushes.

"Right before their Europe tour," you says and your eyes widened.

"That's like, what, five months now?"

She nodded. "We're keeping it secret. You and San are the only ones that know now."

The familiar black car came into view and you and Maya quickly got into the backseat. You greet both the boys and notice how Seonghwa's eyes sparkled when he saw Maya. You were genuinely surprised they managed to keep this a secret.

San began driving, and thankfully there was barely any traffic on the road, so you reached earlier than expected. The security system in this apartment complex was incredible, so you felt at ease.

The four of you made small conversation in the elevator when you reached, and as soon as you entered San's apartment, he was pulling you away to his room.

"There's cake in the fridge, Y/N," Seonghwa called out behind you. You yell out a quick thanks before San shut his bedroom door and pinned you against the door. He took your mask and hat off, tossing it aside on the little table by the door, his own mask following.

San placed his arms on the door on either side of you, trapping you in between his arms. "Hi," he says, dimples showing, causing butterflies to flutter in your stomach. God, you're so into him.

You chuckle, wrapping your arms around his neck. "You're so cute, Sannie," you say, pecking his lips. He giggles in response, returning a peck on your lips.

"What do you wanna do?" he asks, dragging you further in his room and making you sit down on his bed. San's room wasn't unfamiliar to you, having been here at least ten times already. You always loved how clean and tidy his room was, and how it was laced with his scent.

"Hmm, anything you want," you reply.

"How about a movie? Sounds good?" You nodded and San moved to get under the sheets, pulling you into his arms, putting the blanket over you both. He reached for the TV remote on his bedside table with one arm, while the other was still around you. You watched his arms flex, and you thanked god that he was wearing a tank top right now.

While he scrolled through the list of movies, you were stroking his arm, marveling at the bigger muscles. His bicep looked so juicy, you couldn't help the thought of wanting to bite it.

And your impulsive thoughts won.

Realizing what you did, you slowly turned to look at San who had an eyebrow raised at your actions. Before you could explain yourself, he moved to hover on top of you, capturing your lips with his own, kissing you hard. You arch your legs and pull him closer to you by his back so that he was now in between your legs, his chest pressed against yours. You moan softly when you felt his boner rub against your clothed clit.

The temperature seemed to be rising the more you kissed, and San pulled away to catch his breath— except, his way of catching his breath was trailing kisses from your lips to your neck.

"Look what you started," he whispered against your neck, placing open mouthed kisses, being very careful to not leave marks on your skin despite how desperately he wanted to.

He pulled away to look at you. "I was waiting for you to make the first move before I did," you say, your tongue poking out slightly to wet your lips, catching San's attention.

You moved your hands down the sides of his body, stopping at the waistband of his sweatpants. You slip a finger inside to hook it under the band of his underwear, pulling it away from his skin and then letting it go so that it slapped against his skin.

"Y/N," he starts, but you push him by the shoulder so his back was against the bed, and you straddle his lap. Your fingers grasp the ends of your t-shirt before you lift it up and over your head, tossing it to the floor. Your chest was covered by a lacey bra, and San could see the color of your nipples through it. You leaned down to kiss him, hungrier and hotter. His hands explored the exposed skin of your back while you slowly grinded on his hard cock, earning a low moan from him.

San sucked in a breath at your bold actions. He wanted you. He wanted you so bad. He's held himself back so much. The two of you still haven't crossed the line, keeping it strictly to making out.

And you wanted to change that. You wanted him just as much as he wanted you.

San's hand hovered over the hook of your bra, and he pulled away from the kiss to look at you. "Can I?" he asks and you instantly nod, letting him unhook your bra and toss it aside.

"God, you're so pretty," he says, leaning forward to place a kiss in the valley of your chest, and goosebumps erupted on your skin.

San trailed open mouthed kisses to your nipple, taking it in his mouth, tongue darting out to flick the bud, while one of his hands cupped your other boob, massaging it gently.

"San..." you moaned, hands moving to play with his hair while he repeated his actions on your other boob.

You rolled your hips back and forth on his hard cock and he pulled away to look at you with hooded eyes. "Y/N... baby, you're driving me crazy," he mumbles, his hands moving to the waistband of your sweatpants. "Tell me what you want, sweetheart."

"San, I want you," you moan when his hands at your waist press you down on him. "Fuck, I just... I need you right now, San. I want you to fuck me, fill me up with your cock." You wanted a little less conversation and a little more of him touching your body.

San flipped you onto your back and hovered over your body. "Are you sure, baby?" he asks and you hum in response. "Use your words, sweetheart."

"Yes, Sannie, please..." you beg and that was all it took for San to take your sweatpants off along with your panties, shedding his own clothes right after.

And god was naked San truly a marvelous sight. Your hands glided up his arms to his shoulders, before dipping down to his chest and then his hard abs. You maintained eye contact when your hand wrapped around his hard length, slowly pumping his cock.

Only for him to swiftly lay in between your legs, taking your clit in his mouth, his fingers still maintaining the same pumping pace. "What a pretty pussy," he compliments, sucking on your clit, "And it's all mine."

San sucked in a breath while his own hand moved to cup your pussy, his finger swiping along your slit to collect the wetness there, rubbing it on your clit for some lubrication. He leaned down to capture your lips with kiss while his finger moved on your clit in circular motions, your toes curling in the process.

After working on your clit, he finally slipped a finger inside your dripping hole, and you moaned at the stretch. He pumped his fingers to match the pace you kept while pumping his cock, and a second finger joined the first. The stretch made your hips buck up while you moaned, and you were starting to lose your senses. Your walls were practically sucking his fingers, and San pulled away from kissing you.

"San, fuck, please don't stop!" you moaned loudly, your thighs squeezed his head while he lapped at your clit, his wet tongue pressing harder on you. He hummed, the vibration giving you an extra push towards your building orgasm. You were so close to coming, and he seemed to notice that. His hand and tongue worked faster on you, and seconds later, you were releasing all over his fingers. He lapped at your throbbing clit once more before pulling his fingers out, sucking them clean, eyes closing at your sweet taste.

"Are you ready for me, sweetheart?" He asks, lining himself up with your wet entrance.

"W-wait San, let me..." you reached for his cock to return the favor, but he stopped you.

"No, baby, that's okay," he says softly with a smile. "I'll cum too quickly otherwise, and I'd rather cum in you. Is that okay, pretty girl?"

"Yes, Sannie..." He pumps his cock one more time before sliding his tip into your warm hole, sucking in a breath through his teeth.

"Fuck, Y/N, I'm not even fully in and you're already so fucking tight," he moans, slowing pushing himself fully in, finally crossing the line.

His cock stretched you out so well, and your eyes closed shut, your body feeling like it was on fire. You were clenching around his length, and San swore he was going to bust right then and there. He leaned down to kiss you softly. "I'm going to start moving, okay?" he whispered against your lips. Once you hum in approval, San goes back to kissing you while rolling his hips, pushing in and out of you in a steady, slow pace, wanting to take his time to familiarize the way you felt around his cock.

But you were growing slightly impatient. You pulled away from kissing him. "Sannie, baby, please... faster please..." you moan, and he chuckles in response. "Please, Sannie."

"So impatient," he murmurs and he goes even slower to tease you, making you whine.

And then he pushes hard into you, knocking the air out of your lungs before thrusting into you faster like you asked.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you cried out, clawing at the sheets beneath you. San's hands gripped the black headboard of his bed, his arm muscles tightly flexing. "God, it- it feels so good, fuck."

You feel the coil of pleasure get tighter in your stomach, and you could tell San was close too. "You're taking my cock so well, fuck, Y/N, you're so pretty," he says, and wets his thumb in his mouth before reaching down to rub your clit, all while maintaining his pace, and you felt your pussy spasm.

"Are you close baby?" he grunts, "You gonna cum all over this dick? Hmm?"

You tried to respond to him, but your words were all jumbled and incoherent. San rubbed faster on your clit, and the coil in your stomach finally snapped. Your orgasm hits you in waves, your body shaking beneath him.

"Such a good girl for me," he cooed, chasing his own high. "Hold on, sweetheart, I'm a-almost... almost there," San says, thrusting even faster before he groans, his cock pulsing, indicating that he came, his cum painting your walls white. He thrusts two more times to milk himself dry, before collapsing onto you, being careful to not put all his weight on you.

You stroke his back and he kisses your collarbone before pulling out and lying down beside you. The room was filled with the sound of both you breathing heavily, heartbeats moving at a rapid pace.

San got off the bed to get some wet wipes before he wiped your dripping pussy, and you whined when the tissue touched your sensitive clit.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" San asks, a hint of concern in his voice.

"Hmm, sensitive," you mumble. "Can't feel my legs." He chuckles and leans down to kiss your head before disposing the wipes in his bathroom.

You got off the bed to head to the bathroom to pee and clean up a little more. While you were washing your hands, San wrapped his arms around you, turning you around to face him when you were done drying your hands on the hand towel. He gently pressed you against the sink, leaning in to kiss you oh so gently.

"I love you," you say against his lips. "I want to be with you, San."

"I love you too," he says, his heart swelling with happiness to finally hear the words he's been longing to hear. "I know you're scared, Y/N, and honestly I am too. This is dangerous and scandalous in our lives... but I love you a lot," he reaches out to cup your cheek, stroking your skin with the pad of his thumb. "We're humans before we're idols. We deserve to fall in love too. There's nothing I want more than to be your boyfriend, Y/N."

Tears well up in your eyes and you nod at his words. "I'd like that," you whisper, pulling him into a tight hug. San held you for a bit, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

"How about we shower, and then I'll make you some ramen?" he suggests, and you instantly agree, not wanting to waste any precious time you have with him.

San smiles widely, his cute dimples popping out while he kisses you all over your face, and you've never felt happier before.

God, you were so into him. 

Ateez San… | incoming smutty thoughts | MDNI

No but hear me out…

Choi San has you in all fours. your cheek on the mattress. his cock deliciously sliding in and out of you— shit he is good. his hands on your hips, fingers digging into your flesh, bruising them… san’s moans are heavenly. soft but urgent. “fuck, baby, fuck… fuck… fuck… yeah, fuck… I’m gonna cum—fuck” but his pleasure cries drive you to the edge and you are cumming with him. hard. and you just know that your favourite thing is to let him use you as he pleases.

If you wanna drop a request please do so I feel like writing a couple of drabbles today and tomorrow :3

If you wanna drop a request please do so I feel like writing a couple of drabbles today and tomorrow :3

very well san + enemies to lovers coming soon 😍🔥

If you wanna drop a request please do so I feel like writing a couple of drabbles today and tomorrow :3

I should’ve queued some stuff before my trip …but I am doing waaaay more stuffed than I planned.

Imma post some San content tomorrow. He is fucking with mg brain, so I promise 🥺🫣😩

idolboyfriend!san x fem!reader

the stress of the week had built up and finally overwhelmed you.

on monday, you had forgotten to set your alarm and overslept, resulting in you having to rush to work without eating. on tuesday, your least favourite colleague was absent and guess who was picked to do their work? yes, you.

on wednesday, your period had started, leaving you with excruciating cramps which made you irritable all day. it was now thursday, and on the way back home from work, you had tripped on a crack in the pavement, bruising your knees and giving you the embarrassment of falling over in public.

now, you were curled up in bed, still in your work clothes, sobbing. your tears ran down your cheeks, leaving trails of ruined makeup. wallowing in your emotions, you almost didn't hear the door open.

almost.

of course, it was thursday. the day your boyfriend san comes home early from practice. he called out, quickly bounding to the bedroom when he heard your reply.

his grin dropped from his face as he took in the desolate sight of his girlfriend. rushing to you, he wraps you in his arms, lifting you onto his lap.

"baby! what's happened?"

a fresh wave of cries overcomes you as you manage to hiccup your problems to him. he holds you tight, stroking your hair and murmuring reassurances to you.

after you've calmed down, san grips your hand and leads you into the bathroom. sitting you down on the toilet lid, he proceeds to run a bath, putting in a bath bomb and some oils, the aromas floating into the room. next, he puts some makeup remover onto some cotton pads and takes off the dried makeup on your face, gently swiping it across your eyes and over your cheeks. after that, he tugs off your clothes, leaving you in your underwear so you can deal with that yourself.

he leaves the bathroom, letting you settle into the hot bathwater. he returns, holding a pair of his sweatpants and a hoodie of his. placing them on the toilet lid, he bends over you, pressing a kiss to your head.

when you've finished in the bathroom, you step out, wearing san's big clothes, his scent surrounding you. as you enter the bedroom, you're met with the sight of your freshly showered boyfriend, dressed in only sweatpants, sitting in bed. he has a small pile of snacks next to him and on the screen opposite, you can see the opening titles of a movie you've been planning to watch together.

a smile paints his face as he sees you, his arms opening automatically. you grin as you practically jump onto him, snuggling closer to his warm skin. his arms rest around your shoulders, rubbing them occasionally. he grabs a snack from his side, opening the packet and placing it between you. he then reaches for the remote control, playing the movie.

later, the snacks have finished, and the movie has ended. you've fallen asleep against san, taking comfort in his embrace. he smiles down at you, admiring your beauty. pressing a kiss to your cheek, he whispers,

"goodnight, my star.

gn!reader x boyfriend!san

non-idol au; fluff, little angst?

summary: with winter starting soon, it means more cold and gloomy days but what better way to spend it than snuggling with your warm and comforting boyfriend?

author's note; I'm so sorry for how late this is. I hope it reaches you.

It's the end of another week at the campus, with long lectures, little sleep and lots of coffee. You couldn't wait to get back to your dorm. Not just to see your cat or to have a moment of rest on your comfy cream coloured couch but something more. Your boyfriend San.

Walking out from the fairly warm building into the icy winter evening, you tried to think of millions of things to distract yourself from your shivering body and remembered it was movie night.

Since you started dating your boyfriend of two years, you had made it a tradition to have movie dates every Friday, regardless of whatever projects either of you had due the following week with exceptions for exam season. It was a way to bond and destress. Something you both needed to do every once in a while.

"Sannie, I'm home!" you shout from the kitchen. You hear a door open from your shared bedroom and footsteps fast approaching. "Hi baby, how was today?" he asked, not forgetting to place a small peck on your lips. "Tiring as always but lucky for me I have an amazing boyfriend to come home to." you smiled pulling him in for a lazy hug. He smelled good, he felt good, rather warm which was a large contrast to your cold figure.

"Baby, you're shivering," he pulls back from a hug to search your body in concern. "and your fingers are all puffy and frozen." he takes your hands into his to warm them up. "Wait here, I'll be right back." He hurries back to your room and after a few beats of silence, you hear water running. You can't help but smile at how caring he is and how lucky you are to be able to call him yours. Your daydream is interrupted by San calling you from the other room. "Y/N! It's ready." You scurried in a hurry to feel the warmth of a bubble bath to melt the little icicles you were sure had started to form at the tip of your toes.

"Get in quick, I'll go make the popcorn in the meantime." he smiled his million-dollar smile that made your heartbeat rapidly every single time, giving you a quick kiss before leaving the room. "San," you called out to him, stopping him dead in his tracks. "Thank you for this and just, everything." you exhale. "You're welcome my love." he says blowing you an air kiss before closing the door behind him.

The bath helped melt away everything from your stress to the frost that had formed at your fingertips. Making your way to the lounge in a warm sweater with its matching sweatpants, or as San liked to call it, "uniform" (because of how often your wore sweatpants and sweaters) you smell the popcorn. You swear the aroma must have made you float your way to the kitchen because of how fast you headed towards it. "Ah, you're back just in time. The popcorn and movie are ready, go get under the blankets." before you can even protest, he sends you out like a mom does to her child,

"Alright, popcorn is served." You clap your hands in excitement and hurry to grab the remote and press play. Just as the entering credits play, you give San a peck one last peck on the cheek. "I love you." you whisper, he turns his head to return your display of affection.

"I love you more."