Bang Chan Comfort - Tumblr Posts
Chan stroking your head while you cry your heart out during a really bad depressive episode
“I know… I know baby” he speaks every now and then knowing the tone of his voice is comforting to you, otherwise staying silent while you let it all out.
When you go quiet, the room is comfortingly silent. After a while, you squeeze. Just squeeze him with your face still in his chest. Squeezing him to further ground yourself, to silently let him know you’re grateful for him before you trust your voice again
But he already knows ♡
Surprise surprise I wrote this in the middle of- did you guess it- A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE🎉
It was really bad and still happening but last night was BAD and I thought of Chan🥲 so I hope y’all got a bit of comfort from it like I did imagining it
Chan stroking your head while you cry your heart out during a really bad depressive episode
“I know… I know baby” he speaks every now and then knowing the tone of his voice is comforting to you, otherwise staying silent while you let it all out.
When you go quiet, the room is comfortingly silent. After a while, you squeeze. Just squeeze him with your face still in his chest. Squeezing him to further ground yourself, to silently let him know you’re grateful for him before you trust your voice again
But he already knows ♡
I really meant to post this and this on new years but who fucking cares. enjoy.
•
“Channie, cmon on!”
Chan scrambled to grab the tweeters and the bottle as you turned down the lights and laid out the champagne flutes.
The champagne popped at 2 and you grabbed his shirt at 1 and pulled him into a kiss at ‘Happy New Year’ as the drink foamed out over his hand.
Neither of you were dressed up. He was shirtless in basketball shorts and you were in a shirt three times two big from a random city you visited.
The world outside you exploded in fireworks and cheers to the new year. You were stuck in London after a mix up with your layover while going to visit his family in Australia. The hotel room was quite what you had planned, by now his family rang in the new year about 12 hours ago.
You pulled away from him, smiling so big your cheeks would hurt. He mirrored your happiness before pouring the champagne while you blew a noise maker much louder than you meant to. He grabbed one too and blew it in your face dissolving you into a mess of giggles. Soon, you stopped paying attention to the celebration on tv at all as you kissed again between sips of champagne and dancing to the faint music of the nearest party.
Stuck anywhere with him is still heaven.
Bang Chan masterpost♡
minors dni, 18+ only ; suggestive, explicit, fluff, angst themes
Series:
Alaskan California Kings drabble series
↳you convince them to get an Alaskan king bed. They can’t get the name right but still the best decision ever.
Felix makes three poly chanlix fic
↳ 1. morning talks 2.????? 3?????
The dad next door
↳ coming soon single dad!chan x roommates!felix and reader
drabbles:
channie comfort during depressive episode
• insecure reader with comforting channie (mild nsfw)
• dad to triplets, pranked
•“please don’t regret it” (angst)
•perv!chan on facetime with bff!reader nsfw
•use me by bill withers nsfw
•private new year [new year's drabble]
•chan unknowingly insults you, felix hears things he shouldn’t
•[1:56} [chanlix] a late night visitor's tears; suggestive
bringing chan home from the studio, reassuring him
I don't have a name for these
one: chan returning home from tour (fluffy and smutty)
two: chan going from sweetie to meanie in bed (smutty)
three: chan subtle public play (light smutty)
Big Dick!Chan x Possessive!Reader
Poly:
↳ Chan and Felix
• {soft thoughts} .01 (nsfw)
• {soft thoughts} .02 (nsfw)
• {soft chanlix} (nsfw)
• chanlix 2am tears ; suggestive
Last Updated: 10/4/23 10:17pm
slightly insecure reader with comforting channie thoughts
You feel very shy with him since it’s your first time. You get a little teary eyed at the thought of removing your bra. He notices and with a kiss to your forehead pulls his oversized shirt over your head. Knowing you’ll be be comfortable when you’re not so vulnerable. Even with no panties and eventually no bra the shirt gives you some solace and confidence in your first time. Even as he looks down at you as he rolls his hips into you something about how content and pleasured you look with his t shirt on makes his heart full
Bang Chan masterpost♡
minors dni, 18+ only ; suggestive, explicit, fluff, angst themes
Series:
Alaskan California Kings drabble series
↳you convince them to get an Alaskan king bed. They can’t get the name right but still the best decision ever.
Felix makes three poly chanlix fic
↳ 1. morning talks 2.????? 3?????
The dad next door
↳ coming soon single dad!chan x roommates!felix and reader
drabbles:
• insecure reader with comforting channie (mild nsfw)
• dad to triplets, pranked
•“please don’t regret it” (angst)
•perv!chan on facetime with bff!reader nsfw
•use me by bill withers nsfw
•private new year [new year's drabble]
•chan unknowingly insults you, felix hears things he shouldn’t
•[1:56} [chanlix] a late night visitor's tears; suggestive
Poly:
↳ Chan and Felix
• {soft thoughts} .01 (nsfw)
• {soft thoughts} .02 (nsfw)
• {soft chanlix} (nsfw)
• chanlix 2am tears ; suggestive
Last Updated: 7/25/23 1:52am
At around 1 am, you arrived to Chan’s studio. He’d been working constantly, putting himself on the back burner again for work. He said he would be home earlier tonight but you knew it was not going to happen. You told yourself if he didn’t come home by midnight you would call him. If he hadn’t answered but 12:45 you were going to get him. Now here you are finally arriving home hand in hand close to 2.
He was silent the whole way home. Really since you showed up, save for the string of frantic apologies once the shock of your presence wore off. You simply said it was time to go home. Though graciously letting him finish the last thing he was doing, you were packing his other things in the background. The quiet stretched from that point on.
You stop him in the door way as he takes off his shoes.
“Hey” you say casually. “You know I love you right?”
“I love you too.” he looks scared and worried as it seemed to come out of nowhere.
“Well you don’t need to worry so much over it” you say running your thumb over the crease in his forehead to smooth out his worried creases.
His head tilts in confusion, “Hmm?” Did he say something aloud?
“You think I don’t know what’s going on in the big genius producer brain of yours? ‘You make her worry too much. Oh you fell asleep here again she’s probably mad’. That’s you in your head but in an Australian accent.”
He laughs and you smile.
“You need to take that worry and put it into worrying about yourself. I’m not going to leave just because you worked yourself to exhaustion. I’m going to bring you home and love you and take care of you until you can function properly again.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“I think the same about not deserving you but I know I love you too much to let negative thoughts ruin what we have. I just try and be a little better everyday. For me and you.”
He kisses you with a smile, feeling such adoration for you blooming in his chest. He never thinks he can love you more than he already does, then you go and make him love you even more.
“Now c’mon I was gonna ask you to eat a little something but you seemed two seconds away from a deep sleep even in your studio so let’s just get in bed. We can watch something together until we fall asleep.”
He follows you hand in hand as you lead him to your bedroom, looking at you holding his hand so gently but securely that he hopes you never let go
Maybe I shoulda saved these til chan’s birthday?🤔
Oh well. Three already posted and like four more that I don’t know if I should post now or later since the last two didn’t get seen much. Or maybe I should post them all then reblog all my Chan stuff the day of his birthday. IDK SOMEBODY HELP😭
♡ Bang Chan masterpost ♡
{𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴} .00
Investing in a california king bed was the smartest thing you've ever done.
A plethora of blankets. A mountain of pillows. Two boyfriends.
Bliss.
Daddy issues
꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎
Pairing: Chan X gn reader
Summary: A simple phone call from your father and Chan's added anger makes you mentally crumble.
Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt
Word Count: 7.3K
Trigger warning: Parental issues, (specifically daddy issues) emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse, a bit of an unhealthy romantic relationship, anger, self-hatred, blood, self-harm, mentions and attempt of suicide via razor blade, and a panic attack.
A/N: Even without the request, I feel like this has been a long time coming. Please heed the trigger warnings. Please. Shout out to all the baddies out there with parental issues. Shout out to all the Chan stans with daddy issues. You're so strong, keep going, I believe in all of you <3
Requestee, I hope this leaves you satisfied. I don't think you ever said you were struggling, but just by this, it seems you are. I hope this helps you cope with whatever struggles you either have had or currently are facing in life.
I did change a few things around to fit the story more, but most of it's the same. I think I got everything you wanted in there, besides those few minor changes. I also experimented with time jumps which is new, but I think they were needed for this one. This is a long one, so buckle up and please enjoy!! <3
_ _ _
The words are thrown around without much thought. Daddy issues this and mommy issues that. People wear them like a badge of honor. Always seeking out other people that can fill the gaps that their parents left behind. Searching for temporary band-aids to cover wounds that need stitches to heal.
Everyone wants to be perfect. Nobody wants to admit that the people who were supposed to love them the most fucked them up the worst. Nobody ever wants to admit that their nurture was ripped away before they ever got it. Cruelty swaddled them instead of sweetness. Neglect and despair instead of encouragement and understanding. Some people were doomed from the start.
At twenty-two years old, you understood that your daddy issues were a noose around your neck, they were always there. A poking twine that pressed against your windpipe and jugular. All it took was a few words and the noose tightened. It was suffocating, it was restricting, and it was paralyzing.
There was a devil and an angel on each shoulder. One was angry and smoldering. Smoke bellowed out of its ears and it was always ready to snap. The other was an angel, sweet and soft-spoken, constantly reassuring you that you had it better than most. Of course you did because, at least, you had a dad, right?
Any dysfunctional relationship could cause a rocky conscience. You swore you were doomed from the start. You’d never fall in love. Nobody would be able to care about you in the way you wanted them to. At least, it was like that until Bang Chan.
When Chan came into your life, you fell hard. You didn’t get a chance to stand before your knees were jerked out beneath you. He was strong, he was charming, he was dominating, and he was everything you wanted him to be.
Being older meant he had more wisdom and more life experience. He was soaked with the knowledge that you craved. He understood you, he got you, and heading towards his later twenties, he was hesitant when you showed up. While you turned twenty-five, he’d be thirty.
You didn’t let that stop you from wowing him. From caring about him with every fiber of your being, you would have given up everything to appease him and more. Hell, if he experienced organ failure, you’d cut yourself open without a second thought and rip it from your insides with a smile on your face. You were down bad, but your issues were still there.
You were aware of them when you seeked out his validation. When you kept asking if he was sure he still loved you. You couldn’t shake everything that your father had ingrained in you, but you were still so desperate to fill that void.
Some would say it’s weird, but you would say that you needed him to survive. You needed him. He was the air in your lungs and the familiar thump of your heart. You needed him as much as plants needed the sun. Like the Earth needed the moon and like bees needed pollen. You called it destiny whereas a few of your family members called it desperation, but they didn’t understand it. They just…didn’t get it. They had no idea what you had been through. They didn’t understand the gaping wounds that had yet to be stapled, but Chan got it instantly.
He realized it after you swayed the conversation in another direction at the mention of your family. He knew it when fathers were brought up and the hurt flashed across your eyes. He knew it when you clung to him like a koala with fear and asked for clarification on his thoughts about you.
You were damaged and he knew that. He didn’t mind because everyone had their issues and besides, at the end of the day, he still loved you as you were. He was thrilled to wrap his arms around you when you curled around him and point out everything he loves about you.
From the squish of your soft cheeks, the curve of your nose, the shade of your eyes, and the way you dress, he loved it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he gave the relationship his all; you both did. No matter how much the guys joked that he was a silver fox, he always rolled his eyes and shook off their comments. They were just joking and he knew that deep down, the guys cared about you too.
He knew a lot about you, but he didn’t realize just how much these issues bothered you. He didn’t realize that you were nearly suffocating yourself. Out of all the things he knew, he had no idea how much you silently suffered until you snapped.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
The day started a lot like any other day. You went to work and by the time you finished, you found a text message from Chan announcing that he’d be at the studio later tonight. It was one of those days where the creative juices were overflowing and he wanted to get everything worked out before he forgot.
You didn’t mind it and started to head home, but then you thought about the dimpled smile and sparkly eyes of Chan. God, you were utterly smitten. With a quick change of direction, you found yourself heading towards the JYP studio instead of your apartment.
Give or take twenty minutes and you were walking into your second home. The JYP building truly has become your home away from home. You came here a lot to support Chan and the guys. It was strange having an extra person along, but eventually, they grew used to your antics.
The guys accepted you with open arms and when you came around, they got excited. Sometimes you brought presents, like cookies. Other times, just your brief distraction sidetracked them from their ongoing issues. That temporary change of direction helped them sort out their issues quicker.
You checked in at the front desk and pulled on your guest badge. It was a new system that the company had been doing after a sasaeng had managed to gain access to the building. If you were found roaming the halls without a pass or a security badge, you were instantly booted unless you could properly explain yourself.
You tugged the lanyard over your head and practically skipped to the studio room. Upon knocking, the door opened to reveal Changbin. A grin pressed his cheeks up into points. “Hi!”
“Hey,” you returned the smile, “is Ch-”
He jerked the door open wider to reveal Chan in the background. Chan was directing whoever was in the booth. You picked up Felix’s deep voice in the background. Chan was sitting in a hoodie and a pair of navy blue basketball shorts. He bobbed his head along to the voice.
“You can come in, just try to keep it down because we’re rec-”
“You’ve got it.”
He opened the wooden door wider and you stepped inside. In the booth, headphones were over Felix’s ears. His messy blonde hair had been pushed around by the band connecting the ear covers.
His eyes focused on the lyrics as he sang. You slung your bag to the side and smiled as you saw Jeongin sitting on the opposite side of the couch. The two of you exchanged a wave and you quietly came to sit beside him on the opposite side.
Changbin snuck back into the chair beside Chan and Felix continued to sing. After a few more seconds, Felix’s voice cracked and he stopped singing. “Fuck!” He cried out.
“I don’t ever recall that being part of the song,” Jeongin mumbled.
“Yeah, what Innie said,” Changbin agreed.
Chan stopped the recording with a sigh. He pressed a button, so Felix could hear him in the booth. “Felix, is something wrong today? This is the fourth time your voice has cracked. Do you need us to change the lyrics or-”
“No! No! No! Of course, I don’t need you to change the lyrics! It’s just the pitch of the song. It’s so high and I’m really trying my best here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it or not and oh-” His eyes brightened when he saw you. “When did you get here?”
Chan shifted in his seat and blinked when he saw you behind him. You smiled softly at him. “Hi, baby.”
“What are you doing here? I told you that I’d be home late.”
“I know, but I just wanted to see you.”
“I’m busy.”
“I’m fully aware. I have no intention of stopping you from working. I’ll sit here silently without a peep. You won’t even know I’m here.”
“Yeah, right,” he mumbled beneath his breath.
Felix and Changbin both shot him a glare. Changbin’s fingers jabbed into Chan’s side. Chan was worked up and stressed because Felix wasn’t getting this part of the song. It wasn’t just Felix that had struggled, everyone was struggling.
Chan had created the instrumentals of this song and thought it’d be a home run, but he hadn’t considered how much the pitch would be a struggle for some of the guys. He was frustrated because if they couldn’t reach the right note, the song would have to be scrapped and he was distracted by other songs he wanted to work on.
Seungmin’s silky and strong vocals weren’t the same as Felix’s deeper tone. Han’s wide range of vocals wasn’t the exact same as what Minho was comfortable with. Songs could be challenging and this seemed to be the biggest challenge yet.
Luckily for you, you hadn’t heard Chan’s mumble because your phone vibrated in your hands. You swiped the screen before thinking and held the phone up to your ear. “Hello?”
When Chan rolled his eyes, Changbin slapped him in the back of the head. “What is your issue today?” He whispered. “Knock it off and stop being an asshole.”
“We’re busy and-”
“So tell them to leave and don’t be an asshole about it.”
“Easy for you to say, you don’t have a significant other always up your ass.”
“You're the world’s biggest asshole right now and unless you want to lose them, I’d drop the attitude. Just because you’re frustrated, it doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. Use your words, you’re supposed to be the oldest in the room, so act like it.”
“Oh, so you’re finally picking up the phone this time?”
Your father’s voice in your ear caused your heart to sink to your stomach. The blood in your veins turned to ice. You shut your eyes before responding. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy recently and I-”
“Busy my ass. You can text your mother, but not me? I was the one who created you and you still can’t be grateful for that. Without me, you’d be nothing.”
“I’ve been texting the family group chat and I-”
“You know damn well that I don’t give a shit about no family group chat!”
You winced and pushed yourself up. Jeongin stared at you with a raised eyebrow. When you noticed, you flashed him a smile and held up a finger to let him know that you’d only be a minute. Before anyone could say anything, you disappeared outside the room and into the empty hallway.
“What do you want?”
“Is it a crime to want to know how my child is doing?”
Your stomach twisted into thoughts as your father scoffed. A frown appeared on your face and, even though he couldn’t see you, you shook your head.
“I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to find time to talk when we’re on different time zones and-”
“Bullshit! You’re an ungrateful piece of shit! I gave you this goddamn life and you can’t even come visit! I have to find out from Google that you’re dating an idol! What have you told him? Why won’t he come visit?”
“Nothing!” Your voice squeaked in shock. “I haven’t told him anything, he’s just so busy. He’s in a band and we-”
“Then bring him down here, so your mother and I can meet him! What happened to respecting your parents? I didn’t even give you permission to date him!”
As his voice raised louder, you tugged the phone away from your ear. A lump began to form in your throat as curse words were thrown your way. You shut your eyes and waited for him to calm down. Your hands were shaking as you mumbled into the phone.
“I think I’m losing reception, I’ll call you back in a while.”
“Don’t you fucking hang up on m-”
The click ended his words before he got out the sentence. All at once, the weight of everything fell on top of you. Insult after insult wormed deeper and deeper into your brain. You wanted, you needed, to speak to Chan. You weren’t strong enough to deal with this on your own yet.
You shoved your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and pushed the door open. Felix was singing again and your fingers curled into your palms. “Chan?” Your voice came out hoarse. “Can we talk for a moment?”
The sound of your voice caused Jeongin to look up with a face full of worry. Even Changbin glanced behind his shoulder to check on you. When Felix caught Changbin’s head turning, he looked up to find you rapidly blinking back tears. His singing stopped and Chan’s fist flew into the desk.
The rattling of the desk shook your soul. It started everyone, but you the most. Suddenly, you were five years old again in the back of your father’s van. You were weak and vulnerable. Defenseless, there was nothing you could do as your father’s wrath expanded along the four locked doors.
You sucked it in and you couldn’t breathe. Your heart hammered in your chest, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing you could do. You were five and yet the anger of a thousand angry men was cast at you.
It vibrated the marrow in your bones. The strands of your heart strings curled inward. Your childlike curiosity shattered in the backseat. Stay quiet, don’t utter a word, just take the yelling. Like a deer in headlights, you were trapped.
It funneled down your throat and created a lump. Crocodile tears appeared in your eyes. You sniffled and your bottom lip shook, you were alone once more. Alone in the thunder and anguish; the swirl of one man’s anger.
A flower in the middle of a tornado. Thrown, chucked, depetaled. Ripped from the stem and crushed between the winds. At the end, you were ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Not even the thorns of your own stem could save you.
“Goddammit! Why can’t you just go home? I’m trying to work here and you’re ruining it! I don’t have time for you right now! Go home and I’ll deal with your bullshit later. This is my career we’re talking about!”
The song’s soft instrumentals faded in the background as the song ended. You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks. It stung more than you ever would have imagined. The words were a sharp sting to your cheek. The noose of daddy issues choked you again and you couldn’t breathe.
“See you later,” you mumbled as you tipped your head down and rushed towards the door. You pawed at your tears and rushed into the hall and down the corridor to head home.
“What the fuck was that for?” Changbin snapped.
“We’re working!”
“And they were crying! If you would have taken five seconds to look behind you, you would have-”
“Don’t try to guilt trip me! It’s bullshit! I probably hurt their feelings. Whatever. We have work to do. I’ll apologize later.”
While the two bickered, Jeongin stepped up and disappeared out the door to try and find you. Whatever you were struggling with, it hadn’t been good. Chan’s outburst had only made it worse and he knew that. He saw the terror in your eyes when the other person responded on the opposite end of the phone.
Felix looked from Chan’s angry face to Changbin’s scowl. When he caught Jeongin rushing out the door after you, his confusion only grew. “What’s happening?” He asked into the microphone.
Chan slammed his hand down on the button, so Felix could hear him. “Don’t worry about it. Get out of the booth, we’re going to take five.”
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
As you walked home in the whipping wind, your hair tangled around your head. It blocked your vision and the gray skies added to your warped reality. It felt like everyone and everything was against you.
That was the one fatal flaw with humans. When we enter a dark mindset, it’s the only thing we think about. The only thing we feel is the harsh and back-breaking weight of the world on our shoulders. The clouds close in and all feels lost as the rain pours down.
You walked quickly with your head down. Keeping to the sidewalks, you were nearly running. You were moving so fast that by the time Jeongin made his way outside the studio, you were already halfway down the road. He wanted to talk to you, but he didn’t want to frighten you. He kept his pace brisk, but he didn’t run.
He loved Chan for a wide variety of reasons, but he couldn’t believe he had just snapped at you like that. Of course, Chan was angry when he was mad, but this wasn’t okay. None of this was okay.
You sniffled and kept rushing as the wind cupped your ears. You were hollow on the inside. That faint flicker of light inside you had been kept going by Chan. It wasn’t the best idea to depend on one person to make you happy, but you didn’t know what else to do.
Your biggest fear has finally come true, everyone hates you. Maybe not to your face, but you can feel it. The bitter hatred that’s so vitriol, it’s rancid. A hatred that’s thicker than oil and stickier than jam.
You were looking at assumptions, not facts, but your brain was set in stone. No one would be able to save you now. You had fallen far from grace. Your issues had poisoned you from the start. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t meant for any of this life.
Perhaps, you would take a chance and try again in the next.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
When Jeongin knocked, you didn’t respond. He shoved the hair out of his face and tried again. When you didn’t respond to the softer knocks, he knocked harder. When you didn’t respond to that, he held his breath and turned the knob to your apartment.
Breaking and entering wasn’t something he would have liked to go to jail for, but could you blame him? He knew you were hurting and he couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone and sobbing.
Chan’s words to you had been far too cruel. Sure he was angry, but anyone in the right state of mind would have realized that something was terribly wrong with you. It was a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t shake.
His brain was screaming at him to leave as he silently ventured further into the apartment. One step into the hall and then another. He didn’t bother with the common courtesy of kicking off his shoes.
The place smelled like sweet citrus. It was a familiar scent that had belonged to you since he had known you. Once upon a time, Chan marveled at how much you adored citrus. If only he would have been here now.
The carpeted hall felt too silent. The living room was too empty as he stepped out into it. Bookshelves filled with books, a coffee table with the TV remote, photographs of Chan and the rest of the band on the back wall. Your friends were your everything and so was Chan.
Where were the photos of your family, he wondered. It was such a simple thought, but it flew by just as quick. Your presence was here, but yet you weren’t. Where were you at?
He softly called your name and stepped by the coffee table. The bar table in the kitchen had been left abandoned. The hum of the fridge caused his heart to strum faster. There was an eeriness that he just couldn’t shake.
Every fiber of his being was wound up. Loose floorboards creaked beneath his feet. He was sure that he had seen you enter your apartment. From a distance, he watched your figure fumble for house keys and stumble inside. Your hands brushed past your face and he was positive you were wiping away the tears that kept blurring your vision.
He called your name a little louder, but there was no response. His mouth dipped into a frown and he uttered your name again when a faint whimper caught him off guard. His spine stood erected as he waited for another sound, but it never came.
As he approached the room it came from, he was prepared for sobs. He was prepared for tears. He was prepared for the anguish that came with it, but he wasn’t expecting the bright red that began to seep beneath the bathroom door.
His heart stopped and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense. The circuit of his brain had stumbled across a trip. Something cut out and his brain whirled trying to reboot.
A scream ripped from his lungs as he rushed towards the bathroom and there you were. You didn’t stop. You didn’t even care or notice that he was there.
Full of self-hatred, you were cutting, no. You were sawing it out of you bit by bit. They don’t tell you that when you hate yourself, there is no pain in self-harm. It’s a dangerous sweet release. The stinging and burning sensation fills you with a sense of euphoric triumph. Self-mutilation feels like bliss and the cold blade in your hand feels like a friend. In some twisted way, it can be the best thing you ever feel.
There was blood everywhere. It dripped from the slices in your wrist. It saturated your clothes and it was all over the bathroom floor. Maybe you tripped and fell. Maybe you were set on killing yourself. Maybe you just snapped.
Human skin is so thin that it can easily be penetrated by a single piece of paper. So small, so little, and yet the fiery ache of pain is felt everywhere all at once. You couldn’t feel the fire in your arm. Gone into shock, your body had blocked you from feeling anything.
You weren’t even aware of Jeongin’s presence until he grabbed your arm. Your bloodshot eyes were watery as they met his concerned russet ones. “Please, stop,” he whispered.
With a snarl, you jerked your arm away from him. You started to scream and lash out. He grabbed your hand and pinned you down again.
“Get the fuck off of me!” You yelled.
“Please, please, please stop.” His voice wavered. He was terrified for you and he didn’t want to make it worse. He knew how much Chan’s yelling earlier upset you. He didn’t want to trigger you further.
“Leave me alone!” Your shrill voice cracked from desperation. “Get off! Let go!”
“No!”
You swiped the blade down with your hand, nearly cutting him in the process. Your head bucked as you tried to free yourself. He ducked his head with a yelp.
He shoved your bleeding body back onto the floor. Your free hand flew up, in an attempt to stop yourself, but it didn’t work. Your brain rattled around your skull as you were blinded by the sudden pain of it all.
Jeongin panicked as he desperately used the code word to activate the voice command on his phone. When you heard “call Bang Chan,” you lost it even more.
“Stop it!” He begged as you squirmed again. Your hands flailed and you yelled back.
Back and forth back and forth, you refused to let go of the blade. You gripped it so hard that you didn’t care that the sharpened blade cut into your opposite palm. You were fighting tooth and nail to keep a tight grip on it. You weren’t going to let go. Not even Jeongin, one of your closest friends, could save you from the demons in your head.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
In the studio, Chan was ready to slam his head into the wall himself. Changbin was non-stop lecturing him and once Felix found out, Felix was also up his ass. Nobody seemed to understand that they had a job to do.
When his phone rang, he used it as an excuse to leave the pair angrily grumbling to themselves. He stepped out the studio door, just as you had. He let out a sigh before he swiped and answered the call. “What do you want, Innie?”
A thump responded along with a yell. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I.N? What are you-”
“Put it down! Put the blade down! Stop it!”
His heart suddenly turned to ice. “I.N?” He whispered. “What is hap-” The response that you gave nearly dropped him to his knees.
“No one cares! Just let me die!”
He suddenly felt like he was about to projectile vomit. His stomach churned and twisted and the world felt a little blurry. “What is happening?” He raised his voice and began to yell at the phone. “Jeongin?”
“Alexa, speaker phone!” Jeongin cried out. “Chan, I can’t stop them! Please! I need you! I don’t know what to do! They won’t stop hurting themselves!”
The world stopped tilting on its axis. The seconds froze in time. His breath caught in the echo-chamber of his lungs. “No,” he whispered. Tears pricked in his eyes and he suddenly rushed down the hall.
“Don’t let them die! Do you hear me, Innie? Don’t let them die!”
He flew out of the JYP building like a bat out of hell. He clutched his phone, now on its own speaker phone. This path that he used to practically skip after work because he was so excited to see you. Now it could potentially be the path to your corpse.
“Fuck!” He cried out as the struggle continued on the other end of the phone.
“C-Chan?” You croaked weakly. “I don’t wanna do it anymore. I-I can’t.”
Guilt swallowed him whole. He could barely breathe as he ran. “Baby? Baby, can you hear me? It’s okay. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”
“You hate me.”
“I could never hate you. I took it out on you earlier and I’m sorry.” His head jerked as he made sure he was pursuing the correct street. His footsteps thudded on the pavement.
“Listen to me, I need you to drop the blade. Can you do that to me? Listen to Innie and drop the blade. I’m coming, okay? I’m nearly there, just listen to my voice.”
To Jeongin’s relief and Chan’s surprise, there was a soft clatter as you released the blade from your hand. You were exhausted after fighting with Jeongin and the blood was starting to become tacky against your skin.
You hated the murky feeling that it left behind. Every movement of your wounded palm oozed more blood. Jeongin panted over your body. Your arms were pinned to your sides as he straddled you.
His own body was painted in your blood. Bright red handprints smeared across his white shirt. His light pair of blue jeans seeped it up like a sponge. There were even fingerprints staining his cheek from where you had swiped your hand at him.
“I’m almost there, I’m coming to the house right now. Where are you? What room?”
“Bathroom!”
Chan burst through the door and into the bathroom. His heart dropped when he found you pinned and nearly half unconscious. Blood was all over the floor. It was smeared against the bathroom cabinets and the tub.
Jeongin never took his eyes off you. He was too afraid that you’d find the blade again and do something worse. Chan ended the call and stepped over the puddle of blood leading into the bathroom.
He softly called your name and stepped beside you. Your eyes weakly met his. He felt like he was going to burst into tears. His knees buckled and he sank down beside you. He didn’t waste time grabbing a wet rag and shifting beside Jeongin.
“Innie, I’ve got it from here, go call an ambulance.”
Jeongin hesitated, but finally nodded and stepped out of the bathroom. Before he left, he kicked off his shoes, so he didn’t trample blood into the rest of the house.
The realization of your situation sent shocks of electricity buzzing through your skull. “Fuck,” you muttered. Tears began to build up in your eyes and they trickled down your face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-”
“Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Just try to save your strength, okay?”
“I didn’t mean to,” your voice came out shrill.
“I know, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.”
The lining of your lungs seemed to thicken as you struggled to breathe in. You squeezed your eyes shut, but it felt like breathing through a straw. Your brain had expanded with every wrong thought and now you were suffering.
“Baby?” Chan whispered. He leaned forward closer to you and placed his hand over the razor blade, so you couldn’t see it. “What happened? What’s going on?”
“Can’t breathe.”
“Panic attack?”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, it’s okay.”
“M-my dad,” your voice wavered. “I can’t-”
“You don’t have to talk.”
“Not a good relationship.”
“Is that who called you earlier?” His eyebrows furrowed with worry. “I assumed, but I didn’t know for sure.” He reached down and pushed a bit of hair from your face.
“He’s not good. H-he yells a-and-” You hiccuped, “abusive.”
“Oh, honey…I didn’t know. I-I was just so frustrated earlier, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean to upset you and I-”
“I don’t feel good,” your eyes drooped further.
“Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby, listen to me!” Not caring about the blood, Chan cupped your face. “Don’t you dare give up! Stay with me!”
The last thing you heard were his desperate pleas as your eyes rolled back into your head.
∘₊✧──────✧₊∘
When you finally came back home from the hospital, Chan forbade you from going to your apartment alone. Instead, he was nice enough to open up his dorm for you to use temporarily. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was a manageable one for now.
Ever since you regained consciousness, everything had been so foggy, but you remembered bits and pieces. You remembered the wine colored blood and the fear on Jeongin’s face. You remember being unable to breathe and the desperation of Chan’s voice.
Maybe some part of you was glad that you couldn’t remember the entire thing. You weren’t sure that you wanted to remember traumatizing your boyfriend and your friend, at least, not the specific details.
Your hospital stay had ended up turning into a week-long stay. It turns out the hospitals don’t play when it comes to suicide attempts. You didn’t even try to deny it. There was a tender hurt inside of you that you had no clue how to fix.
It was a surprise when things that the mandated therapists were saying made sense. Sure, you knew things were wrong, but to hear validation from people, it made you feel a tiny bit better.
When you left, you promised to come back. There were parts of you that really did want to heal from all of this. You never wanted to put anyone through this ever again. When clarity came through at the hospital, you realized you didn’t really want to die, you just wanted the self-hatred festered inside your being to stop.
You wanted the negative energy to cease and you wanted to be loved. You wanted to be healed in ways you didn’t know how to heal. You wanted a lot of things and the therapists had promised that if you came back, they could start to help you turn things around, but you had to consciously make that decision.
You yourself had to focus on your own healing. It was hard and it was difficult. Healing is one of the hardest things a person can do for themselves, but it can be so rewarding. You don’t have to let your demons win.
“Fight back. Raise hell. Don’t let them win.” It was something another patient had said during a mandated group therapy. “I’m tired of letting the negative thoughts in my brain win. I want to live. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live.”
The more the people talked, the more you realized that you had some of what they were missing. Sure, your parents weren’t the best, but you had friends. You had a significant other. You had little things that some people craved.
For most of your time spent at the hospital, you were lost in your thoughts. You had barely uttered a few words to Chan. When Jeongin came in, you nearly collapsed into tears apologizing over and over again for scaring him.
He insisted it was fine, but you knew it wasn’t. Nothing you could do could ever take back the damage that you had given him. The nightmares, the trauma, it’d be something he might have to live with forever. Sure, it’d fade, but for now, it stuck to the back of his head like glue.
“So…” Chan’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. The two of you were standing in the dorm living room. He had sent the rest of the guys over to the other dorm, so you could settle in. “Welcome to your new temporary home.”
This place really was your home. You had been here time after time again. These walls just might have known you better than your own apartment did. You glanced around and nodded. “Thank you.”
“I cleared out my room, so you can have it.”
“We’re not sharing?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to.”
Your hands tugged at the sleeves of your long sleeve shirt. Your fingers curled into them. The damage to your arm was so bad that doctors had a hard time fixing all the damage. They had also been concerned about infection since the wounds were so deep and there were multiple of them.
You played with the hems trying to find words to say. “I’m sorry,” you finally got out, “for everything.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with things in a healthy way. I’ve been handling a lot on my own and I broke down. I snapped in the worst way possible. The doctors called it a nervous breakdown.”
“You know I’m not mad at you, right?”
“Maybe you should be.”
He shook his head, “I could never be mad at you.”
You lowered yourself to the faux leather couch behind you and slowly took in a deep breath. “I have a lot of issues and I’ve always known they were there. I just…” You shrugged, “I didn’t think something like this would happen. I’ve struggled with self-harm before, but I snapped.”
He sat across from you and shifted his body to face you. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you that day. I shouldn’t have ye-”
“You were stressed and upset, it happens sometimes.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
“The therapist says I have parental issues from my father and it has affected me in a variety of ways. In fact, she said it’s why I’m probably dating you.”
“What’s wrong with our relationship?”
“She said I need to stop leaning on you to fill the void that my dad left behind and I hate that she’s right.”
“Oh…” His face fell. “So does that mean we’re breaking up?”
“Do you want to?”
He shook his head. “I don’t, but what about you? What do you want to do?”
“I don’t wanna break up either.”
“So…”
“So I’ll attend therapy and work on my issues. I’ll attempt to stop relying on you to make me happy because it’s not healthy.”
“Yeah…”
There was an awkwardness between you. Neither knew what to say and nobody wanted to harm the other. Chan finally broke the silence. “Can I hold you?”
You shifted and crawled over towards him. He was careful of the stitches in your palm and in your opposite arm. You curled into his lap and he pulled you to his chest. Your head leaned against the familiar thump of his heartbeat. “I missed you,” you mumbled.
“I miss you too.” His lips kissed the top of your head. Your sweet scent engulfed him. He leaned his chin on your head and shut his eyes. The warmth of your body was enough to set his soul ablaze.
“My dad wasn’t a good man,” you finally mustered the courage to talk about it. “He called me at the studio and I didn’t read the caller ID. I just wanted to see you after a long day. When I left and went outside, he just started yelling and getting upset.”
“He’s verbally abusive and a hothead. Ever since I was a kid, he gets angry easily and he can’t control it. He throws things, he swings, and he’d destroy my things. I lived my life in so much fear because he’d threaten to disown me. My family never did anything about it, they just let it happen.”
Chan’s hand went to your back. He soothingly rubbed it while you spoke. “I had no idea.”
“I felt like I shouldn’t talk about it because some people don’t have fathers. I should be grateful that I even have a father and I-”
“You don’t have to be grateful to someone who frightens you and makes you hate yourself. That’s not what a father should be. I probably enhanced your fight or flight instinct when I yelled at you, I’m so sorry.”
“Every time I talk to him, I feel miserable. All of them, I’m so angry at all of them.”
“You don’t have to continue putting yourself through any of that. You don’t have to talk to the people that make you miserable. Please don’t keep putting yourself through all this distress, baby.”
“I just want to be happy.”
“And I have no doubt that you’ll get there soon, sweetheart. When you’re feeling at your worst, you don’t have to turn to self-harm. You can come find me, yeah? I’ll always be here for you. Now that I know what’s wrong, I’ll be sure to never act like I did that day. I don’t want to lose you.”
His arms tightened around your body and his lips found the top of your head again. “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’d be devastated if you weren’t here. If you ever feel like that, come find me and I’ll distract you.”
“But that’s such a burden for you to carry.”
“It’s not a burden if I love you.”
You finally picked your head up and looked at him with teary eyes. His own eyes were similar as they looked at you. Without asking, you leaned forward and your lips connected.
It was pure bliss…until it wasn’t. The front door to the dorm slammed open. The crack of it into the wall sent both of you pulling away from each other.
Hwang Hyunjin sashayed into the room with a pair of sunglasses, a towel around his neck, and a blue pool noodle over his shoulders. “Surprise, bitches!”
“Hyung, you have no manners,” Jeongin grumbled as he stepped in behind him. When his eyes found you, he beamed. “Hi!” He waved excitedly and rushed towards the two of you.
Minho stepped inside, grabbed the pool noodle from Hyunjin, and bonked him on the head with it. “You insensitive fuck! I told you they couldn’t swim due to stitches!”
“Ow!”
Minho bonked him again. “You’re lucky you’re getting a pool noodle to the head and not a fist to your pretty face.” He glanced over at you and grinned. “Sup?”
Chan sighed and kept his arms clamped around your back. “I’m so sorry about them. I didn’t have time to tell you that I invited all of them over to hang out for a game night and maybe some movies. We can order your favorite foods and w-”
“Hyung, look at all my snacks!”
“Mine too!”
Han and Felix walked inside with grocery bags full of snacks. They wasted zero time going to the coffee table and dumping them out. The pair beamed happily as they waited for your approval and you managed a soft smile.
“You two waste zero time making messes, don’t you? Hey,” Seungmin called out and he nodded towards you. “Glad you’re not dead. I can’t wait to-”
The sound of Changbin screaming your name at the top of his lungs caused your eyes to widen in shock. Thunderous footsteps sounded from the porch and rushed inside. Changbin rushed in grinning with his arms outstretched. He was getting closer and closer until a pool noodle slammed into his face.
He stumbled back dazed and Minho rolled his eyes. He handed the pool noodle back to Hyunjin and shook his head. “You are all unbelievable. You have zero manners.”
“Strike,” Seungmin mumbled beneath his breath.
You snorted which caused him to glance over and grin.
“This is okay with you, right?” Chan glanced down at you. “If it’s too much, I can ask them to go back and I-”
You shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m not sure about participating in games, because uh…” You gently shifted your bandaged arm hidden beneath your long sleeves. “Movie night and food sounds wonderful.”
“Ya-hoo!” Changbin cheered. “Let’s get this party started.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Oh, snacks!”
“Ah, ah, ah!” Minho ripped the pool noodle from Hyunjin’s hand and bonked him on the head again. A scowl filled Changbin’s face. “Let the guest pick first.”
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Hit him one more time and he’s going to lose the last brain cell he has,” Seungmin complained.
“Yeah!” Hyunjin agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Minho bonked Hyunjin over the head. He groaned and slumped into the recliner behind him. “Channie, hyung, he’s beating me up! He’s killing my brain cells too!”
“You idiot,” I.N huffed, “you don’t even have any to lose!”
“Hey!”
“So how have you been?” Felix asked as he got on his knees beside the couch. “Do you want a snack? Do you want to play Animal Crossing?”
“Or we could watch an anime?” Han offered with a cheeky smile. “Whatever you’re up for, we’re down with.”
“Exactly, whatever you want, babe.” Chan rubbed your back with some reassurance. “The guys and I got you.”
“Can I just observe you interacting with each other? There’s plenty of humor in that and I-”
“Oh, sure!” Minho beamed. He lifted up the pool noodle with a smirk. “Sit back and watch me play whack-a-mole.”
“Wait a minute!”
“Hey!”
“Don’t you dare!”
Without another word, Minho grinned as he started to take turns whacking the guys’ heads.
| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |
Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi
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Requests, taglist, and inbox rules
pffftttt im definitely not sobbing rn whaattt?-
Blood, bones, and teeth erode
꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎
Pairing: Chan X gn reader
Summary: After not being able to land a job in the field you want to pursue, it feels like it might be the end of everything and that's when your boyfriend finds you.
Genre: Comfort/hurt
Word Count: 2.5K
Trigger warning: Anxiety, depression, insecurities, implications of starvation, self-harm, and suicide.
A/N: I didn't mean to make two back-to-back Chan posts, but here we are. I had some free time and I finally wrote this request and I just think you should know that I cried a lot, so buckle your seatbelts. After this, there's another Chan request, but before that, I'm going to throw up a Minho one. Anyway, I hope you enjoy <3
_ _ _
When you’re a kid, the impossible seems possible. Full of life and optimism, the world is your oyster. When you announce you’re going to be an astronaut and fly to space, people smile and laugh. It’s one of those childish dreams that most adults understand will fade over time.
Working through the ranks, performing all the training to become an astronaut, it seems impossible in their heads. Too much work, too much time, and it turns into one of those dreams that fizzles out and turns into stardust. Blown just out of sight and out of mind, you reach in your back pocket for another dream, so you can try again.
Childhood is full of dreams like this. Race car drivers screeching around the track and leaving everyone in the dust. Professional football players that do a celebratory dance when they score the winning touchdown. Supermodels that travel the world and walk the runway. Marine biologists who live on boats and spend their time exploring and studying the life below water.
For you, your dreams didn’t really change much. You knew what you wanted to do and you had your sights on making dreams your reality. You planned on doing anything you could to reach your dreams and it never changed.
When you’re a kid, the adults leave out the grueling part of reality. Nobody wants to be responsible for crushing the innocence that comes with childhood. Not yet grown, kids don’t fully grasp the magnitude of everything they’re speaking about.
They don’t understand that becoming a good race car driver requires lots of practice races. Football players struggle with sore muscles and a body warped with bruises and aches. Supermodels obtain a certain image and no matter what, they’re supposed to carry that look, even if it means you’re unhappy, anything for the camera. As for marine biologists, a variety of science classes, no matter how boring, must be sat through.
Dreams are always possible, but it’s up to you to conquer them. They’re always evolving and changing and so are you. Another birthday, another year older, and another year full of experiences and opportunities that help you grow and learn.
You did everything you could to obtain the knowledge to grow your craft. Whether it was attending classes about it, gaining a degree in the field, or even networking and trying to find your people. You felt like you did everything right, but the answer always seemed to be no.
Every job application you jumped at, you were always turned away. When you managed to get an interview and truly thought you’d aced it, it always went the opposite of how you expected it to. The industry was hard to break into and you knew that, but you were burning with passion.
Your resume wasn’t the greatest and you wanted to improve it. By adding a portfolio along with it, you assumed that was the trick, but you had nothing to put there. No matter what you did, you couldn’t catch the eye of the management teams.
The journey started at the beginning of the year and now it had been months. You couldn’t remember how many interviews you attended. You always expected a call back, but it never happened. If you were lucky, sometimes someone was nice enough to reach out and reject you. Other times, you were left in a silent limbo. A constant wondering and waiting, but it never came to fruition.
You had a job, yeah, but it wasn’t in the industry you craved. It wasn’t the kind that lit a passion within you and made your heart quicken with excitement. You didn’t get a sense of inner fulfillment. In fact, every day you were faced with an influx of dread. As more and more time passed, it began to feel more and more pointless.
It was getting harder and harder to hide your irritation and sadness from your boyfriend. Lately, you had been turning away meals. Staying up late at night, you wanted to extend your me time. You did, but getting up in the mornings was like hell on earth now.
The bags began to become more and more prominent beneath your eyes. Once upon a time the small brown bags shifted into purple. You were emotionally and physically exhausted, but you’d never admit it.
To make it all worse, lately your thoughts had been spiraling out of control. The things you thought about and the direction your brain crept towards, you were sure Chan would lose his mind.
He loved you a lot and you appreciated it a ton. At least, you used to appreciate it. Your confidence levels had begun to droop lower and lower. Lately, even dating your boyfriend, seemed to feel pointless. He was a rich k-pop idol and you? Well, you were stuck at your miserable job. You were horrified at who you were morphing into, but you didn’t know how to stop it.
How do you stop the restless thoughts? The anxiety and worry that suffocated you every night? How did you stop running from your problems and letting them swallow you whole? Would it ever stop?
“Hey, it’s getting late. Why aren’t you in bed yet? You should be asleep, I thought you said you had work in the morning.”
You blinked, trying to focus on Chan’s words. Outside in the darkness, crickets chirped and you were left alone in the pitch black. The only thing saving you from blending in with the cloudless night was the faint porch light a few feet away.
Moths fluttered around it without a care in the world. Their fuzzy bodies lightly plunked against the glass shell covering the bulb. They were the only thing to keep you company this late at night.
“What are you doing out here?”
You shrugged at the words and let your gaze venture off into the darkness. Off in the distance, frogs croaked somewhere near a source of water. Nostalgia trickled through your veins, but it was faint. The sound reminded you of childhood, fresh cut grass, and the warmth radiating from the summer sun. Humidity snuffed out any small breeze from the air.
“I just needed a moment,” you finally uttered.
“Is this about the-”
“Please don’t say it. It’s already embarrassing not being called back by anyone. I don’t want you to say it outloud. I know, it's so much worse than expected. I don’t want to hear a pep talk from you right now. I love you so much, but maybe sometimes…” Your voice began to trail off as it softened. You sucked in a deep breath and went on. “Maybe dreams are meant to be just dreams.”
Someone jammed a needle into his heart. He physically felt his heart strings twist and then his heart popped. Slumped back into your chair, you looked utterly defeated. Your chin curled towards your chest and you were trying so hard to be strong, but he knew you were internally distraught.
“You and I both know that’s not true,” he whispered. “I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how much they’re all missing out on. However, if you don’t want to hear that right now, I’ll respect it. Whatever happens, please just don’t shut me out again.”
Again.
It was a piercing and heart-wrenching reminder that you had been down this road before. Insecurities and judgment clouded your vision. You became your own worst enemy and it spiraled out of control. No words could describe the utter hate and anguish you felt towards yourself.
You began to inflict damage to yourself. Pulling away from meals just to feel the aching pain of hunger. Forcing yourself to stay up late to finish work because you felt like you deserved it. Every little thing barrel rolled until you got to the point where you wanted to end it all.
You walked this path before and it was the exact path you were striding towards again. The missing meals, the staying up too late, and the scorching hot showers that burnt your skin. Pushing your vulnerable mentality to its limit as you scrolled through the social media posts of your favorite celebrities and idols; another fleeting reminder that they were doing so much better than you were.
It was so easy to lay down and rot. Fighting for your dreams was so difficult when they seemed so far away. Even worse, you hated to know that your boyfriend knew just how far you’d take this self-hatred and loathing. You hated that he viewed you like some glass paperweight, but it was true. You were free falling and you could shatter apart at any moment.
“Bang Chan?”
He reached out and slipped his hand into yours. Warm fingers curled around your palm and he gently squeezed your hand. “What is it?”
“It’s getting bad again.”
“Where you feel like you might-”
“Yes,” you cut him off. “It’s not even that I might. I feel like if things don’t turn around soon, I might just…” The words cut off in your throat. You hated feeling so vulnerable, but you loved him.
Maybe you said the words because you wanted to warn him that within the next few days, he might find your corpse. Your thoughts were growing darker and darker and darker. As selfish as some might see it, you just wanted it to stop. You wanted the world to go silent and you wanted inner peace.
There is no escaping when your biggest critic is your own brain. No matter what you do, your brain screams that it’s wrong. You’re trapped in a cage with your own worst enemy and there’s nothing you can do. It was so bad that the usual things weren’t helping.
You tried to watch tv, but you kept zoning out and replaying scenes from the past. The embarrassment and stress of previous conversations felt like drowning in a tsunami. You tried to read, but you couldn’t get through a page. Your brain would whisper between the words and soon you’d lose your place.
You loved music, but even your brain was stealing that away from you. You were attached to the sad and sappy stuff. It was how you felt right now, but listening to those songs made the sadness so much worse. It was like adding water to a grease fire; the flames of sadness rose higher and the smoke was suffocating.
“I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. No matter what I do, it looms overhead like a shadow. I’m scared, I’m sad, and I’m terrified. I don’t know how to get my brain to shut up.”
The tears welled up in your eyes more. Your breathing was growing more uneven as you struggled to stop the sobs from falling from your lips. “I’m trying s-so hard, but-”
“Sweetheart, it’s okay, I understand.” Chan gently tugged your arm, a gesture for you to rise to your feet. You allowed him to and when you did, he pulled you into an embrace.
He pushed your head into his chest and your ear to his heartbeat. Your eyes slipped shut and you clung onto the sound of the steady wallop. One arm wrapped around your back and the other went to the back of your head.
“Sometimes we all feel a little lost and defeated. That doesn’t make you worth any less to me. No matter what your brain says, I still love you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? For being upset and frustrated when things aren’t going your way? I understand what that’s like, honey. I’ve been there and I still find myself drifting back there sometimes.” His hand began to rub along the length of your spine.
“Life can be so hard sometimes, but you know what the most important part is?”
You didn’t respond. The lump in your throat was far too much. You were sure that you’d break down if you spoke right now. Your nostrils flared and your fingers dug into the lower fabric of his shirt.
“The most important part is that I’m right here. You’re allowed to fall apart and grieve. I’m not going anywhere and I’m here for you. You don’t have to allow yourself to drown in this alone. I know what it’s like to have your brain be against you, so listen to me.”
“You are one of the most amazing and loving people that I’ve ever met. You fight like hell to make your dreams come true when most people would have given up after a few weeks. There are people out there who are where you are and made something of themselves, even if they had to think outside the box.”
“Maybe you’re not where you want to be, but I have no issues with believing that you’ll get there. You’re stronger than most with a good head on your shoulders. You’re intelligent, talented, and you have a passion. Don’t let this be the end of your story, let it be the beginning.”
Caught off guard by his words, your eyes opened. It took you a few moments to let the words settle into your soul. You stared off into the darkness and let the words reply in your head.
“You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You don’t have to be perfect. The most important thing is that you’re trying to get where you’re going.”
“Walt Disney was fired from a job and told he lacked imagination. Thomas Edison created the lightbulb after a teacher said he was too stupid to learn anything. Stephen King had a book rejected thirty times before he found someone who would take a chance and publish it.”
“My point is that you never know what kind of life is waiting for you. If you give up now, you’ll never see what’s on the other side of the rain clouds. Sometimes rainbows are just out of reach.”
He leaned forward and rested his chin on the top of your head. Your eyes slipped shut again and his arms wrapped around you tighter. The sounds of wildlife continued on in the background.
“Thank you,” you finally managed to get out. Your voice was hoarse and you still felt like crying. It was nice to be reminded that other people had failures before their dreams came true.
“Don’t mention it, sweetheart. I think you need some love, so I’m just gonna-” He shifted and pulled you on top of him as he sat in the chair you were in. Your ear remained pressed against his chest and his arms resumed their rightful places. “I’m going to hold you for a while, okay? I think you really need that.”
You couldn’t get the words to come out, but you wanted to say you loved him. You did. You loved all of him. You loved all of him and you’d never stop loving him. Giving up meant losing this; the warmth, the words, and the wildlife. As much as you struggled with it, you were still going to fight like hell to make your dreams come true.
After all, the inner child in you deserved it.
| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |
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