' ,

𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘆, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘁

Fyodor sees himself as hollow. The only thing that should fullfill him is faith, God, future visions. And yet, his mind, his flesh desires more than this.

Still, Fyodor doesn't see himself as an individual, but rather an instrument for Heaven's will.

Dostoevsky barely has any personal preferences and hides them well. The only consistent drive he is open about is a desire to be around beauty: classical music, delectable food, gorgeous people.

As if being around perfect and good-looking stuff can clench Fyodor's self-disgust.

Every time Dostoevsky is lavished with nice things, he feels like a rat, crawling into a royal palace. He doesn't deserve any of that. Not after everything that happened.

And yet, his little heart can't help but tremble every time someone gifts him an earthly pleasure: good wine, sweet tea, a peaceful atmosphere; people tending to him, surrounding him with all the comfort he needs. Fyodor can get addicted to it easily. But it never lasts.

There is a part deep inside of him that never relaxes, never gives into safety. Maybe, it's the part that ultimately broken or the one that belongs to God. It's restless and unstoppable.

Every time it wakes up, Fyodor's compulsion to save destroy the world takes over. Something triggers Dostoevsky, reminds him of his ability and he is back on his feet, searching for a way to fix everything.

Fyodor can never enjoy a good life for long enough. Every time he does, his drive drags him back into sewers,

where memories of peace

can only haunt him.

𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Nikolai had put so much effort into creating his monstrous façade. All the jesting, laughing, toying with the pain of others. He tried so hard to look like a “monstrous person with nothing inside”. But in the end he didn't want to be remembered as such.

Gogol still wanted to let the world know that he wasn't a monster. During his makeshift penance to Atsushi he tried to humanize himself by telling about the guilt and remorse he felt. Nikolai even confessed to the Agency that he admired the justice they fought for. He said: the light they emitted drawn him in.

Nikolai couldn't allow himself to be viewed as just another criminal. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to make people care.

For that, Gogol gauged out his soul and presented it to the audience.

He wanted to be seen, even at the very last moment.

Do you know that I love to draw?

I do. And this is how my art looks like. But I haven't been able to create it for a while because of a terrible toothache. My teeth hurt so much I want to pull them out.

This GIF is replaying in my head over and over again. Can you do this to me too, Bill?

Right now, it feels like bees are trapped inside my teeth 🐝 When my dentist opened the first one, she saw a dark puddle of a decayed filth. Turned out I needed a root channel. And I've got 3 more to go. My teeth are literally rotting. And it hurts.

Please, help me get a root channel for 3 of my teeth.

I need $700 in total, but I'll be grateful for any amount of your good will:

https://boosty.to/sssarrrra

(I've posted more of my drawings here.

You can take a pick if you wish 👀)

The whole story so far:

It took so long to diagnose because my cavities are covered by the old fillings. From the outside they look fine, but once fillings are removed, you can see an aching dark caves.

Three dentists couldn't see a problem, despite my complaints. One of them even called me a “whinny baby” for feeling pain. But I live in a 3rd world country, so any kind of good health care services are super rare.

When I finally found a decent dentist turned out that I needed three root channels. She already started doing one, so for now, I have a temporary filling. And I'm still in a lot of pain.

If you're interested, I can send you any proof I can gather, including receipts and a document from a dentist.

I kinda wish Tooth Fairy could appear and take my teeth and all the pain away 🦷🦷🦷

I wish I could just turn it off.

The nerve pain in the pulp is the worst one I've ever felt.

I need $700 for 3 root channels.

So if you can, please check out this link for my donation page:

boosty.to

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𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

TW: suicide

What if, Gogol's suicidal plan allowed him to “live” longer? With the end in sight, he didn't have to die right now. Even if existing was unbearable, he didn't have to end it right then and there. When guilt was eating him from the inside, he could still bear it for a while to get a better finale.

Was Nikolai being suicidal eased his consciousness a bit too? The fact that he was going to die via a brutal, painful death made it easier for him to hurt other people and live day by day.

Nikolai's suicidal ideation was a temporary antidote to his self-hatred. Gogol ate his favorite piroshki, joked around with Fyodor, went to work… All while having a thought : “It's ok to do those things, to enjoy life, even if I'm a horrible person who deserves to die. But I'm gonna die soon, so it's alright to laugh now and pretend to have fun. It's ok to act as if I can function normally and fit into the society like everyone”.

I wounder, if Fyodor has the same coping mechanism. A promise to die once he finishes his plan, makes doing evil… less unbearable? Does it make easier for him to live with himself?

Nikolai's favourite medicine

Gogol: It hurts, it hurts so much! Ahaha!

Sigma: What the... What's so funny?

Gogol: My brain converts pain into laughter. It's the best medicine and it's free.

Sigma: You've been stabbed! Repeatedly.

Gogol: Hahahaha...

Sigma: I'm calling the ambulance. Now.

Gogol: I know another good medicine. Show me your beautiful smile...

Sigma: Stop flirting with me, you're dying!

𝐃𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 😈 (𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕)

Pros: + You can finally make Fedya wear your clothes! Even your hat 🎩 You always wanted to see him in it. But he refused to swipe outfits. Well, no more.

+ Your body is gonna carry Dos-kun inside, as if you're giving him a giant hug 🤗🫂 Your flesh will become a candy wrapper for the sweetest, most demonic entity.

+ You'll never fear being separated from your friend ever again. That awful feeling in your chest – it will go away 💔

+ You won't have to rack your brain over ways to get Dos-kun's attention 👀 No more sleepless nights spent coming up with charades to catch his gaze. Now Fedya will have to “see” you every day. You'll become his new shell. So, little demon will be stuck with you forever.

+ Fedya might even smile, while taking over your body 😈 And you can even manage to smile back, before your face will be pilled away

Cons: — You'll never experience any of this from your own perspective (and you wish you could so, so badly)