Don't Let Anyone Fool You: Adults Don't Really Know What They're Doing All The Time. You Don't Magically

Don't let anyone fool you: Adults don't really know what they're doing all the time. You don't magically earn the drive or the strategy to do all your responsibilities when you turn 18, or when you get out of college - or at any point, for that matter. And if anyone looks like they have it... they don't.

As I was walking around the house, my neglected responsibilities jumped out at me all at once. Dishes in the sink. Unfolded clothes. Homework. All of them important things that I should have done days ago, but they're still lying around. Some have deadlines! And as I asked myself why I can't handle such simple tasks with any decency, I began to wonder whether I'm fit for adulthood at all. How can I be expected to survive on my own if I can't even get myself to take regular showers?

I started to despair about bigger matters like rent. Clearly I'm not cut out for these responsibilities, I told myself. Maybe I should stop trying; I'm just going to fail anyway. It was a crushing thought... I was about to break down on the spot.

But then I noticed the things I'm doing well. My room is mostly clean (other than the clothes, but even those are in a hamper in the corner). I'm well-fed. I'm still in college - I live off-campus, and I've survived this long! I have supportive friends. Heck, I just took out the trash moments before this meltdown.

Really what I was afraid of was that I can't seem to do anything, when that's not true. I can do some things, just not everything. And in the end, I concluded that the things I'm doing right outweigh the things I'm not doing. I need to learn to juggle all my responsibilities first before I master them, and that's part of what college is about.

I've seen what it looks like to not do anything, and I'm not nearly there... But if I'd given up, I sure would be. So it's okay! I'll forget to wash the dishes some days, and that's okay, as long as I'm trying at all.

me: This post is really cool. *like*

me: Haha, that's hilarious! *like*

me: I can relate to that. *like*

me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW~ *like*

[later]

friend: But yeah, I can't really draw hands that well, I have to practice up.

me: I found a great tutorial for that on Tumblr! One sec, lemme find it for ya.

me: *searches for a few keywords*

me: Can't seem to find it, let me dig through my likes...

me: *opens likes*

me: *scroll*

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me: Heh, I remember that one.

me: *scroll*

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me: Oh here it is! Check this out-- wait where did you go

I had a unique question posed to me the other day: where would I be if I hadn’t gone to gifted school?

I was homeschooled through 10th grade. Toward the end of that school year, my mom kept telling me how she couldn’t keep up with what I was learning. I was mostly teaching myself from the books at that point. Homeschooling was no longer a sustainable idea, unless I wanted to teach my mom instead of the other way around.

My dad decided it was time to put his plan into action. He’d said for years that I should go to public school for my last year or two, so this seemed like the perfect time to start. My parents called the local high school to see if I could be transferred in.

They said no. They’d never heard of my curriculum (The Well-Trained Mind, if you’re curious) and weren’t interested in approving it. My parents called multiple staff, the school board, everyone. No dice.

I would start school there in the ninth grade, they said, and test out of all my classes until I was at the level I needed to be. This testing would take a few weeks at the start of the year - which meant I’d already be behind! - and then, only then, could I continue in the 11th grade. Obviously this became a last-resort option at best.

The next option was to take the GED. It’s a high school education equivalency test USUALLY for people who didn’t pass high school, but it can be taken at any age (including early!). So I could take it and go straight to my local college. The problems with this were twofold: first, most employers don’t consider them equivalent, so I would have a hard time getting a job until I got a degree; second, my local college would not be enough of a challenge for me, but it would be the most viable option in terms of finances. Despite this, it was my favorite idea of the two.

My mom learned about the gifted school a few weeks later. I had to mull about the decision for a little while, actually. I was almost leaning toward the college, but let’s just say there was some spiritual intervention and leave it at that. I’m very glad I did go to gifted school; it was a wonderful, stressful blessing, but a blessing all the same.

But let’s say that didn’t happen. Let’s say I took the GED (because no way was I going back to ninth grade!). How much would be different?

I would be in my fourth year of college, barring any financial issues. I’d probably still be taking computer science, but not have learned nearly as much as I know now in my second year.

I would never have learned about Mari0, nor its community. I wouldn’t have made any of the bunches of mappacks or tilesets - or more importantly, friends - that I made.

Speaking of friends, my few friends would be a couple of years older than me. Right now I’m the eldest among most of my friends by at least a few months. (Except one, who’s 3 years older, but he’s new.)

Probably wouldn’t have started a blog, or if I had, it would have comprised mostly reblogs.

I wouldn’t be as efficient with the internet in general. Learning about xkcd, or Twitch, or Steam, or social media trends would have come very late, if at all... although I’d probably have an active Facebook account.

I would be quieter than I already am. I’d probably have a couple of friends, none from college. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to deal with bullying.

Would have had my first job by now. My dad always talks about how he had his first job when he was 14, so he would have pressured me into it (or I’d need it to pay college fees). Probably would have been in the food service industry, making me quite miserable as that’s not my forte.

I’d complain about all the easy, busy work and not do any of it. (Wait, I did that anyway)

Definitely wouldn’t be as tolerant of opposing ideals. I consider that one of my best qualities, and I learned it at gifted school. I’d probably argue with everyone, all the time, forever.

May have transferred to another college due to lack of interest or that possibility of bullying.

I think I like where I’m at right now much better.

I've gotten into a bad habit of not forming opinions of things anymore.

Asking the opinion of someone with a working social disorder is a recipe for disaster. If the two don't agree, it almost always becomes a spirited debate, and that requires a lot of energy. In my case, I usually end up tired and frustrated, ruining the rest of my day. Either that, or I can't formulate my arguments right (because of how-do-I-social disorder), and then I say something completely wrong, which the opposing party latches on to and beats me over the head with.

Even if we agree, the discussion doesn't stop there - no, we discuss why we agree, and the above still applies. At best I come out of it exhausted, at worst we disagree on a minor point and I have to tell the other person to stop for the sake of my sanity. Of course it never stops immediately and by this point I'm so irritated I end up yelling at the other person who clearly is just being nice about the whole thing and we just get angry and all I want to do is STOP--

...okay, deep breath... whew~

So what's the easy answer? Not having opinions, of course. Not even being able to see both sides or anything like that - just not having an opinion whatsoever. And it seems that I've gotten so sick of debate that my brain has chosen this route.

At first glance this seems like it might actually be a good idea... except for the part where my opinions of things are crucial to my understanding of them. If I like something, it has added to my life in some way - I've laughed at it, or learned something new, or grown from it. I like it because of these things. Even things I dislike at least show me what not to do in the future.

When I don't decide whether I like something or not, my brain doesn't register that any of these things have happened. It had no impact; it's become a worthless consumable. I might as well have never done the thing in the first place.

I suppose I should kick this habit early so I can continue to have opinions. Maybe somewhere along the way, I can learn to articulate them better. If I get good enough, I could do blogpost-like exposition on the fly! Maybe. It'll take a while.

...did I just discuss my opinion of opinions?

25 Facts

Here, have a Twitter trend. Most of the people doing this on Twitter are using TwitLonger, but that's what this blog is for to me so I don't care.

The first game I played was either Kirby Super Star or Mario Kart 64; they were at roughly the same time, so I don't know which it was!

I was homeschooled through 10th grade, went to gifted school for my junior and senior years, and I'm now in my second year of college studying Computer Science.

Even though I live off campus, I don't drive - I rely entirely on the good will of my roommate and other friends. I have a permit but not a full license, because driving makes me super tense!

I was mostly alone while I was homeschooled, so I struggle with social interactions. Some social "rules" like genderization and professional dress simply don't make sense to me, and I'll often question them when I first encounter them.

I grew up in a moderate Christian household, but I don't force my beliefs on others. In fact, I try to keep my friends diverse, discuss opinions, and question things - it's part of how I was raised.

The first game console I owned was a Dreamcast my parents bought me one Christmas. I remember nearly being in tears at the end of its life cycle, when my parents had me trade it in for a Gamecube. I don't question that decision now, it's one of my favorite consoles!

A hurricane that hit around the time of Katrina left me with paranoia and panic attacks for a few years. The panic attacks recurred while I was at gifted school, but I've mostly recovered now.

I have yet to hold a job for the first time. I'm currently waiting on one job that I applied for while I look for other options.

I love designing things, but I can't draw worth a flying fladoodle! Most of everything I've made is some sort of technical design or based off another person's work.

I think I've finished Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door about twenty bajillionty times, plus or minus a bajillion...ty.

If I don't know someone very well or if my shyness kicks into hyperdrive, I'll often try to make the person laugh. It turns out I speak less the more I know someone - because I'm spending more time listening.

The last point only applies if I'm in an active conversation with someone. If I don't know someone I may never speak a word to them at all, even if I want to get to know them. Then I spend time listening to them from a distance, lurking around and learning about them... it's quite creepy how much I might know about someone before I've even spoken to them, or I guess before they've spoken to me.

Despite my introversion, I adore my family and friends. They mean the world to me, and I would do almost anything for them.

As a kid I never really got the chance to play anything F-Zero or Mega Man, so I'm retroactively going back and playing them now. I really wish I'd been able to play them back then!

I'm a quick thinker, so I tend to prefer games like Puzzle League or Puyo Pop over Fire Emblem or Shining Force. It wasn't that way originally; back in gifted school I was the last person out of the test room, now I'm almost always the first.

I have a profound fear of failure that has colored everything from my interactions with people to my motivation in starting big projects. (Like maybe doing Let's Plays?)

I didn't have internet access until 2010. Even then, I wasn't very active anywhere until I left for gifted school.

Anytime I bring up how proud I am of my sixty Tumblr followers or the few comments I got on a mappack, my younger brother brings up his thousands of Instagram followers. That's where he posts pictures of the food he made or something (he loves cooking and hopes to start his own restaurant).

Speaking of my family, my mother has an English degree and my father is a hospice chaplain with a Master's in divinity. My brother is actually my cousin; we adopted him when he was nine.

Until I was around twelve or thirteen, I would frequently get headaches that would progressively get worse throughout the day until I threw up. Family, friends, and doctors were all equally baffled. Some of the theories we had were allergies (milk and/or tomatoes), motion sickness, and eye problems; although we took precautions for each, none of them worked. Eventually the problem just went away by itself.

I wore reading glasses for about two years to combat the headaches, even though my eye doctor said they weren't very corrective. Apparently I have slight astigmatism, but otherwise my eyesight is "as sharp as a hawk's."

I was afraid of being in a romantic relationship until I learned about my asexuality around when I turned 18. Since then I've only been in one relationship, but I'm much more comfortable with the idea.

I've had plenty of things I want to get into, like drawing, music, photography, Let's Plays, etc. but I haven't taken the time to really try yet. I need to get myself on that.

I carry a satchel with me that contains every portable thing that I use daily. My main computer, pencils/pens, cords and chargers, games, a pillow... I almost carry my whole life with me at any given time. I'm ready for anything! Except I can't carry consoles with me so it's not quite the complete package.

I'm still writing this at midnight and I have a class to get to at eight in the morning, I should probably sleep...

My roommate and I had an interesting conversation a while ago that I’ve been ruminating over. We were discussing how our brains handle stress, and I said something that threw him off guard - that I can act independently of how I’m thinking. That didn’t make sense to him; he said that he can’t do that, but he can stop the thought in question and not let it push him. I’ve been fascinated by the discussion ever since, and I think I’ve finally fleshed out my explanation enough to describe what’s going on.

It explains a lot of things.

What’s at play here is where the conscious rift between input and actions lies. Let’s say someone throws a rock at you. Why not throw the rock back? Because that’s mean, and we should be above that or something - whatever, it’s just an example. But there’s two ways of preventing it that vary from person to person:

Getting irritated and maybe wanting to throw the rock back, but choosing not to.

Choosing not to get irritated at all, and thus not wanting to throw the rock back.

The person in the first example may not be able to control their emotion, while the person in the second example may not be able to control the action following their emotion. I am the first, and my roommate is the second. It’s almost like two different kinds of consciousness.

For me, emotion and thought are undercurrents for my actions. They lead me in a particular direction if I’m not thinking about it, but I don’t have to follow it. However, I can’t control the emotion itself. It does whatever it wants to. This can be particularly bad when it is really strong, because it becomes difficult to swim against the current (to continue the analogy).

For my roommate, the emotion or thought inevitably shows in whatever actions follow. But he can choose not to feel it at all, thus preventing the action. Like with me, he can be overwhelmed by strong emotion, but it’s more like holding up the roof when it caves in.

This may seem trivial. It leads to the same end, so what’s the difference? Well, whenever I’m told to just not be stressed or to stop telling myself something, I can’t do that and it annoys the heck out of me. But it’s not meant to be mocking, that’s how the other person does it. It’s a distinct disconnect between two very different styles of handling the situation.

I may have simplified this quite a bit; there’s a huge difference between thoughts and emotions (for one), and there’s probably more ways of handling it in general that I don’t yet know of. Nevertheless, it’s very interesting to think about. It gives me a lot more respect for the different ways people think and feel.

I can’t imagine that the number of people who can do both of these is very high, but I bet they have supreme self-control and self-awareness.