I Dont Know Why Im Writing This, I Guess Im Just Completely Lost And Hopeless Right Now, Or Maybe Im

I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just completely lost and hopeless right now, or maybe I’m hoping this could be my last word, my suicide note, or I’m actually hoping for someone to read this and save me from myself, I don’t know, but I feel like I need to apologize, for everything, to everyone…

Mom, dad, I’m so sorry for disappointing you over and over, for not being able to make you proud and happy, for being a terrible daughter, even with all your love an support for me, I still managed to fail every time, the last thing I want is to see your disappointed face, I just want you to be proud of me, I want you to be happy, I’m scared, what am I supposed to do if you’re gone without me making you proud, I love you two very much and I’m scared you’ll leave me before seeing me actually happy and succeed, and if someday you see me broken, I promise that it’s not because of you, you two are the world to me,you two are the one who actually make me come this far in life, because you supported me, you pick me up when I was down, you dedicated most of your time working to pay for me…

My little brother and sister, sorry for being a horrible and mean sister, to me you two are my light, and no matter what I will love you two forever, we used to always be together, playing, fighting, eating, studying, we even sleep together every night, and I expected us to always be like that, I’ve never thought that we’ll slowly drift apart like this, now I’m just an embarrassment for you two, it hurts seeing how you’ve grown more distant from me, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve said and done but please don’t ever forget the time when we laugh together, when we’re hugging each other tightly after we watched a scary movie, when we fight and dad scolds us, I want you two to be someone who can make mom and dad proud, unlike me, and I want to see you two find your goal in life and make your dream come true, I know it will be tough, but I promise I’ll do my best to help you, even if I’m struggling myself, you both are my first priority…

Friends, besties, I’m sorry if I ever ignored you, or not replying your texts, or acting childish and dorky, I just didn’t want you to see how broken I actually am, I’m afraid that you would see me as I see myself, weird and fucked up, you have your own problem, so why would I burden you more with mine, you being there beside me and talk to me is enough, I don’t care if you’re true or fake, whats important is you actually talk to me like I’m there, like I’m actually something that deserved to say hello to, you’re all precious to me, and I’m so sorry if I make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry if you ever see me as stupid bitchy hypocrite, I swear I didn’t mean to be like that, but all those days we spent together at school, all those times you teased me, all those memories of us bickering, arguing, teasing, I will treasure it always…

Teachers, if you ever see me not paying attention in class, or daydreaming and such, i’m truly sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant, I never meant to disrespect you, you’ve spent your life teaching me and I’m grateful, without your guidance, I wouldn’t be here now, you’ve spent your life sharing your knowledge with me, and here I am can’t seem to remember anything, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to thank you for every lesson you’ve taught me, I always knew I’m not the best student, I’m not even sure you would remember me once I graduate, but to me you’re irreplaceable and I’m sorry for everything…

To everyone I actually know in real life, I’m so sorry for not showing any of you the real me, I’m sorry I choose to bottled up everything and never said a thing, I’m  sorry I choose to ramble here compared to any of you, my world is broken, and I don’t want make yours fall down with mine, I don’t want to feel like an attention-seeker, so I choose to keep silent, I’m afraid that if I actually told anyone, they would’ve changed, and then left…

I spent so much time comforting people when inside I’m dying, I always wear long sleeves even in summer because I’m insecure of my body and scars, I’ve helped someone recovered from depression and until now, she doesn’t know that I have depression too, funny right, to be honest I hate it when people said that depression is stupid, anxiety is stupid, eating disorder is stupid, and “just get over it”, you wanna know what’s stupid? Society is stupid, who do you think made us insecure about ourselves and made us think that we better be dead? Society, I’ve spent so many years hearing all those things, and honestly I don’t think I can deal with them anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore so I just smile, that’s it, I just smile, I covered all my insecurities with my smile, I hide my self hate behind my laugh, I locked up all my depressive and suicidal thoughts and replaced it with a bubbly and childlike attitude, I’ve always tried my hardest to help others because I know how it feels to have nobody to help you, I’m befriending every living person I know because I know what it’s like to feel alone

Look at me writing all of this stupid things, it’s not like anyone would ever read this, but to anyone who actually spend their time reading this let me tell you, the world is a beautiful place, there’s so much things to look forward to, even when things get rough it’ll get better, you don’t have to push yourself to be someone you’re not, block away all the things society had told you, you’re you, and that won’t change, you matter, you’re important to someone, even if you don’t realize it, you’re enough, you’ve made mistakes and failures, it’s okay, it’s human, you’re beautiful just the way you are, you’re more than those numbers on the scales, more than what you see when you look at the mirror, more than what society know, and in case you haven’t know, you’re perfect, so find something you genuinely like to do, and hold on to it, as stupid as it sounds, I ’m actually here because of music and anime/manga, call me weird but it actually did it, I made this far because i found so much lesson in the things I love to do, and when the time comes, you’ll know what you’re meant to be, you exist for a reason, go find that reason

When I die, I don't think I will go to heaven after all I've done, but I don't want to go to hell either, I just want to disappear once and for all eternity

I’m sick of being tired I’m sick of being sad I’m sick of being fat I’m sick of being ugly I’m sick of being stressed I’m sick of being hated I’m sick of being lonely I’m sick of being worthless I’m sick of being useless I’m sick of being hopeless I’m sick of being unwanted I’m sick of being not good enough I’m sick of being a disappointment I’m sick of being forgotten I’m sick of being anxious I’m sick of being depressed I’m sick of being suicidal I’m sick of being alive I’m sick of being me I’m lost and nobody can save me from myself now

I’m so sorry

Please don't get your hopes high, I always end up disappointing everyone

Me