Thekicking In Question Was Me Telling Him He Downgraded. Contrary To The Message Above, He Made Sure

The “kicking” in question was me telling him he downgraded. Contrary to the message above, he made sure I was aware then exactly how much I’d hurt him by hanging up on me twice and reminding me what a good man he’s been to me despite the fact that I am a horrible person.

My comment was petty, I’ll admit that. Other than that, though, I did what he loves: stroked his ego.  Keeps things peaceful, and yet, I got to wake up to this last week.

A particularly troubling symptom at this juncture

I had a nice Christmas with my mother’s side of the family. Good food and everyone was very sweet to one another.  We played cards, and laughed.  It’s was lovely. I didn’t think about him for a moment.

And now I feel awful.  I can’t really explain why. 

I expect the flashbacks, the triggers, and the horrible memories.  I expect to feel bad when it makes sense to feel bad. 

Why does the good have to be ruined too? 

Confession

A few days ago while at the mall, I stopped in at the store that sells his cologne. I pretended to browse for a gift, but really I just needed a fix.

Just barely.

I learned to keep house impeccably. Not only to keep you from becoming agitated, but also to keep my mind and hands occupied on simple, mind numbing yet mildly satisfying tasks.

Busy hands do not shake, and a busy mind does not dwell on that bruise on my shoulder from last night.

Good riddance.

2017 was the year I woke up. I will hold on to that.